My Mom's Honey-Buttermilk Cornbread Recipe!!

Thanksgiving is almost here and that got me thinking of my mom's old recipes. She always began baking and cooking a week before Thanksgiving, filling our house with delicious holiday aromas. This recipe is a favorite and growing up she always invited me into the kitchen to help. I did it so often, I committed it to memory. So here now is my mom's famous Honey-Buttermilk Cornbread recipe just as she explained it to me every Thanksgiving. I hope your family likes it as much as I did:

• 1 1/2 cups of flour.
• 1 1/4 cups of corn meal
• 2 1/2 teaspoons of baking soda.
• 1 1/2 teaspoons of baking powder.
• 1 teaspoon of salt.
• 3 large eggs.
• 1 cup of buttermilk.
• 1/4 cup of melted butter.
• 1/4 cup of honey.
• 2 failed marriages.
• 2 ungrateful little kids.

Heat oven to 425 degrees. Carefully grease a 9-inch square baking pan with butter. I said butter. Don't you have any butter? No. Margarine is not the same thing. The recipe calls for butter. So get out the butter.

Okay, now grease it carefully. I said carefully, Grant. Aren't you listening? Okay. Get all the corners. Here, just let me do it.

Okay. Now we're going to combine - will you stop watching TV? I need your help. Now are you going to help or not? Okay. Now combine the flour, the corn meal, the baking soda, baking powder and salt in a large mixing bowl. Does this look like a mixing bowl to you? Maybe a mixing bowl for midgets, but not us. Get out my large mixing bowl will you? It's under the microwave where it's always been.

Listen - turn off the TV right now, mister. You said you'd help so come on. Turn. It. Off. Now. Mister.

Get out another bowl and whisk the eggs with the buttermilk, butter and honey. Are you doing that? Here, let me see. No. No this is all wrong. Here get out my spatula. Let me get this out before you ruin it. Okay now mix those things together. And don't just mix one area. You have to do the whole thing otherwise it's chunky. And no one likes chunky corn bread. If they complain I'll just tell them you made it.

Now lets combine our bowls. Oh, could you get that? Mrs. Boehm said she'd be calling. Is it Mrs. Boehm? It's not? Okay. Then tell Brian you'll call him back. No. You cannot have the car tonight, I have to drop off the appraisal at the bank and need to go the library to make copies. Why can't Brian drive? It's always you driving. Does he at least offer to pay for gas?

Okay. See. I mixed the two bowls while you were talking to your boyfriend and I poured them into the pan. Here, open the oven and set the timer for 20 to 25 minutes.

While the corn bread bakes, pour one glass of Lancers and sit at the table, quietly weeping. Let simmer for 20 years or until your son decides to publicly poke fun at the whole episode in a loving yet brutally honest way.

Do Babies Have Accents?

A report in the journal Current Biology asserts babies learn language nuances while in the womb, giving their cries distinctive accents once born. Researchers listened to thousands of babies from several countries and found those in France sound distinctly different from those in Germany, Spain and elsewhere. Here's a look at their findings:

• In Germany, babies say "Güe güe gaga."
• In France, babies say "A hoh hoh hoh!!"
• In Spain, babies say "¡Goõ goo gagá!"
• In Sweden, babies say "Gøø gøø gåå."
• In China, babies say "咕咕加加"
• In Japan, babies say "夢."
• In Boston, babies say "Jeter sucks."
• In the United Kingdom, babies say "Pip pip cherrio wah wah and all that."

Reggae Cover Bands I Would Like to Form.

• Reggae Against the Machine.
• Echo and the Bunny Wailers.
• Einstürzende Marley.
• The Minutemon.
• The Talking Dreads.
• The Dubles.
• Siouxsie & the Maytals.

Congratulations!

Grant Miller Media extends its sincerest congratulations to all the latent homosexuals that voted against same-sex marriage in Maine on Tuesday! You're here. You're not queer! No! Not at all!

Top of the Charts: Snyder's of Hanover Pretzels.

This week's most popular selections of Snyder's of Hanover pretzels at Grant Miller Media headquarters are compiled between 8 a.m. Monday and 10 p.m. Friday from a variety of sources and merchants. Numbers in parentheses denotes a pretzel's rank last week.

1. Snaps (1).
2. Mini Pretzels (2).
3. Rods (5).
4. Thins (3).
5. Sticks (4).
6. Dipping Sticks (7).
7. Homestyle Pretzels (6).

Data for the Grant Miller Media Top of the Charts Snyder's of Hanover Pretzels - which includes all varieties sold at the St. Charles (Illinois) Jewel-Osco - are compiled by Nielsen Soundsnack. The chart includes not only pretzels bought and consumed but those left over. Grant Miller Media Top of the Charts: Snyder's of Hanover Pretzels is audited semi-annually by the firm of Deloitte Touche and Tohmatsu. A copy of the most recent audit is available at most public libraries, institutions of higher learning, houses of worship or by filing a formal request. For more information or to file a formal request, please send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to FCIC P.O. Box 100, Pueblo Colorado, 81009.

3 Election Day Contests Devoid of Any Meaning or Significance.

Today's off-year election lacks the high stakes of the 2008 presidential race, but that won't stop John King, Wolf Blitzer and Jeff Greenfield from circle jerking around their electoral maps. Here's a look three races that have little or no meaning today:

New York's 23rd Congressional District.

Who's running: Conservative Doug Hoffman and Democrat Bill Owens.

Who's not running: Republican Dede Scozzafava dropped out Saturday after several prominent national Republicans backed Hoffman.

What's the story? The 23rd is New York's northernmost congressional district and covers the Adirondack Mountains and the Thousand Island's region. Over the years, the district has been gerrymandered to exclude Democrats and now is a predominantly Republican stronghold. The seat is vacant following the appointment of John McHugh to Secretary of the Army.

Why it's meaningless: The district has been gerrymandered to oblivion - it once included Manhattan and the Bronx but is now just a couple scenic camp sites and old-timey covered bridges. Its biggest industry is Little Tree air fresheners and its most notable former residents are Blue Oyster Cult and the lead singer of Anthrax.

What Could Possibly be Significant: The 23rd is America's first defense against Canada and Vermont.

Virginia Governor

Who's running: Democrat Creigh Deeds and Republican Bob McDonnell.

What's the story: Pundits say the race is a test for President Obama, the first Democrat to win the state since President Kennedy. Incumbent Democrat Tim Kaine is ineligible due to term limits.

Why it's meaningless: Virginians never know who they're electing governor - it's the only state that prohibits consecutive terms and schedules races in off-years. That means voters aren't interested and won't vote, typically benefitting candidates with more money. Additionally, Virginia is the only state where governors are called "your Excellency" instead of "your honor."

What could possibly be significant: Three former governors went on to become president.

New Jersey Governor.

Who's running: Republican Christopher Christie and incumbent Democrat Jon Corzine.

What's the story: There isn't one.

Why it's meaningless: Possibly because it's New Jersey. Possibly.

What could possibly be significant: Voters surprise the nation and wisely elect Clarence Clemons.

Tips for Getting a Loan to Expand Your Star Wars Collection Room.

Finding money to remodel or expand your Star Wars collection room is difficult for many homeowners. The easiest sources of capital are friends, family and your own savings. But banks and lenders should not be overlooked. Here are some tips to consider when applying for a home loan to expand your Star Wars collection room:

• Dress in a professional manner. This is a business transaction, so treat it as such. Avoid Darth Vader masks or Wookie wigs and go with Luke's formal Alliance uniform from the medal ceremony at the end of "New Hope."
• Offer collateral. The easiest way to show lenders you're serious is to offer something of value in the event you default. Consider offering your Dr. Who collection as collateral to secure the loan and put the bank at ease.
• Don't be pushy. Sure, Obi-Wan could talk his way out of some tight situations but unless you're a Jedi Padawan leave the talking to your loan application and answer any questions politely.
• Be patient. Always remember the Death Star wasn't built in a day and while your plans are likely smaller, they're no less important. Consider getting personal referrals to assist in the process. Most miniature gaming shop owners, D.M.s or local Jedi Order directors are eager to help.
• Save, save save. There are always two costs associated with remodeling - money and space. Take time to rearrange your collections and decide what you really need. Scaling back on your "Babylon 5" collection may provide the necessary space and money to make your Meditation Chamber a reality.
• Consider your risk. Nothing is sadder than seeing an original Luke Skywalker Double Telescoping AFA 85 melt before your very eyes. Get your collection insured for its full value before construction begins in the event of fire, flooding or your Tauntaun accidentally misplaces it.

Cocoa Krispies "Immunity" Claim Challeneged.

Kellog's claim that Cocoa Krispies strengthens immunity is under fire from nutritionists who say it's misleading. Here are some of the diseases Cocoa Krispies is believed to fight:

• Bran Cancer.
• Cocoancer.
• Choco Pox.
• Chocolera.
• The Common Cold Cereal.
• Hepatitis YUM!
• Cap'N Crunching of the Spine.
• Snap, Crackle, Stroke.
• Quaker Oat's Man Disease.
• Leprechaunsy.

An Open Letter to the Driver of the Car in Front of Me.

Dear Driver of the Car in Front of Me,

The light is green.

Sincerely,

Grant Miller, Esq.

Am I Right Folks???

Oh brother. All this talk about healthcare reform is making me sick!!!

I mean, come on. You know with all the money we're gonna be spending, would it kill them to get some new magazines in my doctor's office? Am I right folks???

Hey - didja know those fat cats in Congress gots the best medical and insurance coverage possible? Yeah, it's true. But hey - whaddya expect from a bunch of sickos???

You know those scientists found one of those mega-star explosions out in space the other day. They say it's the most distant object ever seen. I guess they've never seen my ex-wife!!! Yeah, she's proof there's no intelligent life in outer space!!!

What the hell is going on in West Virginia, folks??? Not a whole lot - I can tell you that from a hundred miles away!!!!

So why don't people in West Virginia get any sleep? Hey, here's a thought, maybe you West Virginians should lay off the crystal meth for a bit!! Jeez, do I have to tell you everything?

But hey, if they really want to get some sleep they should listen to my ex-wife talk about her gout for 10 minutes!!! God, it'll put anybody to sleep!!!

I can't believe these guys in Florida! How about that guy that stole a ferret by shoving it in his pants?? Can you believe this? I mean, I've heard of having a lion in your pocket, but this is something else!!! I guess he was stealing the ferret to feed his snake!!!

I hear the cops wanna hire the ferret. I guess he really knows how to take a bite out of crime!!!

Jesus!!!

Stash Bednarik is an associate editor at Grant Miller Media and a lifelong nudist and resident of Whiting, Indiana. His column, "Am I Right, Folks???" appears on Fridays.

Mathematical and Scientific Factoids.

• An infinite number of monkeys randomly typing at an infinite number of typewriters could eventually reproduce the complete works of William Shakespeare. But a few monkeys would secretly think it was Christopher Marlowe, not Shakespeare.
• An infinite number of monkeys randomly typing at an infinite number of typewriters could eventually reproduce the complete works of William Shakespeare but they wouldn't because monkeys do not plagiarize.
• Greek mathematician Pythagoras never saw a dime from the Pythagorean theorem. He also invented the Pythagorean chip clip.
• No two identical objects can occupy the same space at the same time because mathematicians are homophobes.
• Two objects dropped from the same height will always fall at the same rate. The only exception to this is David Caruso's career.
• There are never more than six degrees of separation between anyone on Earth except for Ernest P. Rosler, 38, of 1597 Sprindale Court, North Aurora, Illinois, because he's a total loser.
• An infinite number of monkeys typing at an infinite number of typewriters would be endlessly hilarious.
• A twin who rockets into space will return home to find he has aged less than his identical twin. He also will find $600 missing from his house.
• For all his accomplishments, Albert Einstein received a lifetime 10 percent off card from Einstein Bros. Bagels.
• Einstein stumbled upon his theory of relativity while deciphering the BCS system.
• Einstein continued to compose, conduct and perform even after becoming completely deaf after cutting off his ear.
• An infinite number of monkeys typing at an infinite number of typewriters would smell awful.
• Isaac Newton coined the word "Whatevs."
• Julius Richard Petri invented the Petri dish. He also invented the Petri salad tongs.