Accolades.

Grant Miller Media recently was named the 14th best personal blog of all time according to blogged.com - trailing blogosphere titans "Pond Perspective," "Skeet's Stuff" and someone named "Wil Wheaton" but slightly ahead of virtual unknowns "Roger Ebert" and "Rosie O'Donnell."

This was no popularity contest - blogs were judged by a stringent editorial board on a 10-point scale for update frequency, relevant content, design and writing style. Grant Miller Media scored a 9.1, Will Wheaton got 9.8. My close, personal and dear friend, Markos Moulitsas, scored a 9.5 among political blogs.

Blogged.com executive Amy Liu said Grant Miller Media's ranking is "quite an achievement."

Not to nitpick, but there are a few blogs tied with a 9.1 score, so technically, I'm among the top 10 best personal blogs of all time.

Not that I would scrutinize it that closely, because I've never sought critical accolades. That would be so lame to make a really big deal out of what some critic thought. It's not like when I started a blog I sought to become a critical hit or a critic's darling or anything. I never wanted that kind of notoriety.

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I'm not like that. I could care less they ranked me 14 - 10th technically - out of 12,129 personal blogs. That's 12,129 - a lot of other blogs. I'm even ahead of Roger Ebert - he's got a Pulitzer!

But I mean, who cares? Not me. No way.

My Speech to the Graduates.

I'm giving eight commencement speeches over the next three weeks and it's difficult to find a new angle on what's essentially the same address each time.

That's why I created this template that lets me exchange and interject phrases to personalize every speech. If you're in the same situation, use this template to make speech writing easier and your audience more attentive:

"Members of the faculty, family, friends and graduates welcome to ________. It's an _______ to be speaking before you ________.

What a _________ crowd. I can see some of the graduates are still ________ from the night before. Don't worry. I'll keep this ___________.

From where you are sitting, the future looks _______________. You're young, educated, _______-looking and filled with ______________. Nothing can stop you.

Well, I'm here to tell you, not so fast.

When you leave here today, you will find yourself in ______________ to your eyeballs. For many of you, it will be _________ until your ____________ is finally paid off.

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Sadly, some of you won't even _________ that long. Instead, the ______ will become such a great burden that you will take your own ___________, transferring the insurmountable ________ to your children and your children's children rather than admit your _______.

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Some will awkwardly cling to these years as the ________ of your life. How ________ is it to see a 30-year old man hit-on college __________ nearly half his __________, pretending his best days are ____________? How ________ is it when alumni cruise the local college bars, ________________ with every ______________ in sight?

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Others of you will grow ________, turning into a hollow __________ of a person. You'll be _________ with kids, a mortgage and a dead-end __________. You'll drive to your crappy ______________ each morning in your tiny ________ car and wonder "Where did I go __________."

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I'll tell you where you went __________. College. That's right, I'm here to tell you your soon to be alma mater, _______________, is a worthless _________hole. Everyone knows this.

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Why do you think all the smart kids from your high school went to ____________ instead of here? Because they were the smart kids. Not you. Them. They were smart enough to avoid ___________ like the ___________.

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The degree you will soon hold in your ___________ is barely worth the ___________ it's printed on. That's right - all ________ is lost, resistance is __________. Life is filled with misery and _________ and it's all over much too ________.

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Give ________ now.

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Oh and don't forget to wear _________."

A Recipe for the Best Ranch Dressing Ever!

Ingredients:

Water, corn syrup, whey (from milk), natural flavors, modified corn starch, distilled vinegar, onion juice, garlic juice, salt, cellulose gel, soybean oil, phosphoric acid, monosodium glutamate, xanthan gum, spices, garlic powder, onion powder, propylene glycol, alginate, coloring, sodium benzdate, sorbic acid, calcium disodium, cellulose gum, lemon juice concentrate, tocopheryl acetate, disodium guanylate, disodium inosinate.

What you'll need:

• A factory capable of producing and bottling your dressing.
• At least five 200 gallon, stainless steal vats for production.
• At least 2,000 sterile glass bottles per batch.
• About 75 low wage and undocumented workers.
• Political connections to overstep safety and sanitation regulations.

Preparation:

• Buy the factory.
• Purchase the required supplies, ingredients and chemicals.
• Hire low wage employees and a handful of managers and trained chemists.
• Pay off any local, state or federal officials.
• Enjoy!

An Open Letter to My Kentucky Relatives.

Dear Granny Willifred, Gramps, Jethro, Jethro Jr., Jethro II, Little Jethro, Jethro IV, Jim Bob, Bobby Jimmy, Jimmy Bobby, Baby Bobby Jimmy, Benjy Compson, Saul, Joe Bob and his wife Jo Bob, Elvis, Col. Miller, Cletus, Louleen, Larleen, Lula Belle and Rufus the bloodhound,

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw!

Now that's out of the way, I wanted to remind you today is the Kentucky Votin' Day! Stop what you're doin' and walk to them there polling place.

Now don't get excited - you mustn't put on your Sunday clothes or even wear shoes. Jus' walk over, sign your name (Tell Granny she can draw a big "X" instead of writin' her name) and vote. It's very important, ya hear? No excuses Jethro Jr. - not even banjo practice. Not even washboard rehersal. And tell Jimmy Bobby to put down the moonshine long enough cast his ballot.

In case she asks, tell Granny she don't need to put in her dentures to vote.

Be sure to tell Bobby Jimmy to come in from hunting opossum and head on over to that there learnin' house for a Votin' Day. And let Lulabelle have a break from pickling pigs feet and baking johnny cakes.

Now, I know Col. Miller will vote. Probably more than once. That's just how he is. Sits behind his desk down at the sheriff's office, dabbing his brow, chewing his cigar as a rickety ceiling fan looms above. He'll have a good laugh knowin' that a lady and a black man are running for president. I can hear him laughin' 'bout it now. That's just how he is. Hell, he might even let that drunk Old Man McGillcuty out of jail for the day just so he can vote. That's just how he is.

You can tell Benjy Compson to vote. But I dunno if his doctors will let him. He migh' not even know how to vote. He sure loves that dog of his, Rufus the bloodhound.

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Okay. Now git out an' vote, ya hear?

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Sincerely,

Grant Miller, Esq.

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P.S. Could someone read this letter to Granny Willifred, Gramps and Jethro II?

"Bright Shiny Morning" By James Frey.

James Frey - the man known for fabricating his memoir "A Million Little Pieces" - has a new novel, "Bright Shiny Morning." Grant Miller Media got an advance copy and is republishing a portion of it below. I think you'll be as impressed as I was:

"Call me Ishmael.

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way -- in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.

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"In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that I've been turning over in my mind ever since. 'The rich are different than you and me,' he said. I responded saying 'Yes. They have more money.'

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"When he was nearly thirteen my brother Jem got his arm badly broken at the elbow. If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you'll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don't feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth.

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"Once upon a time and a very good time it was there was a moocow coming down along the road and this moocow that was coming down along the road met a nicens little boy named baby tuckoo...His father told him that story: his father looked at him through a glass: he had a hairy face.

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"Jesus wept.

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"In spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart. I simply can't build up my hopes on a foundation consisting of confusion, misery and death.

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"In the early morning on the lake sitting in the stern of the boat with his father rowing; he felt quite sure that he would never die.

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"They realised they were no longer little girls, they were little women."

Has This Ever Happened To You?

You're watching a porno and you stop and think, "Jeez, that's weird. That guy kind of looks like my dad."

Clearly, it couldn't be. Your dad was an upright, respectable suburban dad. He was an attorney. He owned a Chrysler. He wore glasses. And although you never saw him nude - not that you remember at least - you're pretty sure he was average sized.

So you forget about it.

But you keep rewinding to that scene. Looks like him. Definitely. But not him. No way. No how.

Yeah. He would never do that. Maybe he drank. Maybe he swore. But get nude in front of a camera? No way.

You turn off the video and take it out of the DVD player when it hits you. "No, that's not my dad - duh! - that's just that one video of my mom wearing strap on."

McCain's Press Conference.

Sen. John McCain spoke with reporters on Sunday on a range of issues. Grant Miller Media obtained the transcripts from McCain's campaign Web site. Here's a look at the discussion:

McCain: I want to thank you all for coming here. You really didn't have to, but it was very nice.

Question: How will you mend fences with the GOP's conservative base while making inroads among independents and Reagan Democrats?

McCain: What's that? I'm sorry. I missed what you said. Could you repeat that again?

Question: How will you mend fences with the GOP's conservative base?

McCain: I still can't hear him. Can you hear him? You're gonna have to speak up.

Question: HOW WILL YOU MEND FENCES WITH THE CONSERVATIVE BASE?

McCain: Yes. (Nods his head and smiles.) Yes. Thank you. How about someone else.

Question: Dr. James Dobson said he will not support your campaign, but will you continue to court the backing of Christian conservatives?

McCain: (Reaches into his breast pocket and pulls out a wrapped hard candy.) Would you like one? I have a few more in my pocket.

Question: You've said in the past this administration has made mistakes in Iraq, but you would continue many of the same policies. What mistakes would your administration address there?

McCain: Well look who it is - Helen Thomas. I remember you when you, young lady, were just a little pup reporter. Now look at you. Well, well, well.

Question: President Bush just returned from Saudi Arabia where he unsuccessfully lobbied leaders to increase oil supply. How would you handle the Saudis?

McCain: Well, in my day we used whale blubber for oil and we liked it. Did you know that when I was growing up I had to walk six miles to school? I had to leave the house at 4 a.m. everyday. When I got home, I did my 'rithmetic by candlelight. I say let those Saudis have each other. They deserve it. Now if you'll excuse me, the Cardinals are playing on the tele-vision.

Random Songs on My iPod.

Click the links to download.

1. "Was I in Your Dreams?" Wilco.
2. "Metal Machine Music, Part IV" Lou Reed.
3. "Leaves Me Cold" Lush.
4. "I Dig You" Boss Hog.
5. "Seeing Red" Minor Threat.
6. "Paranoid" Black Sabbath.
7. "Garden" The Groundhogs.
8. "These Things Take Time" The Smiths.
9. "Way Behind Me" The Primitives.
10. "The Wind Cries Mary" Jimi Hendrix.
11. "Elegy for the All Dead Rock Stars" Thurston Moore.
12. "Can't Give Up" Sebadoh.
13. "Blam!" Swell Maps.
14. "Pilgrimage" R.E.M.
15. "Feel" Big Star.

The Most and Least Common Search Words Used to Find Grant Miller Media.

The Most Common:

1. samantha brown nude
2. gay hollywood
3. who's gay in hollywood
4. erin andrews nude
5. samantha brown
6. milton berle penis
7. grant miller
8. giada nude
9. grant miller media
10. hillary andrews

The Least Common:

1. genie in a lamp grants king three wishes porn
2. hannah montana eating cereal
3. "thunder beads" "maid of honor" use
4. apology letter template for a bad attitude
5. French for "I have a baguette in my pants"
6. robert downey junior burger king bathroom
7. paddling college girls
8. full chest and boobs hairy
9. why do girls sniff other girls assholes?
10. anal or ass or ass or pussy pic gape or gaping

Six Unspectacular Quirks.

The Casual Slack invited me to this meme in 2002. It's taken me awhile to get to it:

1. I love vacuuming carpet. But what I love more is the look of freshly vacuumed carpet. Obviously, the lines must be perfectly symmetrical. To get the lines perfect without any revealing footprints in the freshly vacuumed carpet, I usually vacuum forward and lift the vacuum back to repeat as needed. Most people - amateurs - will simply roll the vacuum back, ruining the straight lines. Once finished, I admire the freshly vacuumed carpet for a few seconds.
2. I hate when light switches in a room point in different directions. They should be either all up or all down. This poses a problem in my basement where the switch atop the stairs controls the same light as another at the bottom. This dichotomy explains why our house is for sale.
3. My favorite household chores in no particular order are: Changing the lint trap on the washer, emptying the lint trap on the dryer, cleaning the coffee maker, emptying the vacuum cleaner, changing the air filter on the furnace and wiping down the ionic breeze thing. I hate cleaning the litter box, placing salt blocks in the water softner and cleaning the gunk at the bottom of the sink.
4. You know how iPods usually show the album cover for a song when it plays? I hate - hate - when a song plays without the album cover. I can spend hours online hunting obscure album covers. To date, there is only one album on my iPod that lacks album art - the Festering Rinyanons "Flantlander Recluse." I could scan it, but our scanner is broke and I'm too lazy to get another.
5. I am the greatest parallel parker the world will ever know. I can make any tight parking space feel spacious and luxurious. I never need anyone to step out and wave whether I have room. And I always land inches from the curb. Never on the curb and never too far. Perfect every time. On one of our first dates, Krista and I drove to the Sears Tower and parked on the street outside. On the sidewalk, she mentioned how I never looked where I was parking and maintained our conversation and still parked perfectly. I said "I know." I am to parallel parking what Michelangelo was to the Italian Renaissance.
6. I had a college roommate named Tim Quirk. He was a nice guy and to this day I still have his Pavement "Wowee Zowee" CD. I believe he also has my Elvis Costello "This Year's Model" disc. I've not spoken to Tim in several years, but if he reads this and wants his album back, I will gladly mail it to him. He can keep the Elvis Costello disc since I've replaced it. And although Tim is listed here because of his last name make no mistake, he is highly spectacular.

Do you have six unspectaular quirks? If so, list them on your site. Now!

The Question on Everyone's Mind.

The world's most obese man is vying for a new record - the person who's lost the most weight.

Manuel Uribe of Mexico weighed more than 1,200 pounds in 2006. He's since trimmed down to a sexy 717 pounds. Although he cannot lift his enormous legs or get out of bed, Uribe hopes to leave the house next month to celebrate his 43rd birthday.

Uribe last left home in March but was forced back when the truck pulling his bed hit an overpass. Uribe, who lives in northern Mexico, often visited Dallas' Big N' Tall store for clothes but the store stopped carrying pants his size. Tailor made pants also quickly became too small. Uribe has no job and lives with his mother.

And to answer the question on everyone's mind - yes ladies, Uribe is single.

A Confession.

You may have read recently that Barbara Walters had a lengthy affair with former Sen. Edward Brooke in the 1970s. It's been in all the headlines and Walters discussed it in detail with Oprah Winfrey recently.

Walters' new autobiography is filled with several similarly salacious anecdotes, including one that's been overlooked by most reviewers - she also had a lengthy affair with me.

I never intended to divulge the secrets of our affair, but Walters' candor gave me the courage to come forward. You see, America was a very different place when the sparks of lust began between Bar and I.

It was late 2007 and early 2008 and many Americans frowned upon intergenerational relationships, particularly those based on physical and animal attraction like ours.

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It's not like today where it's common to see grandmothers hooking up with men in their 30s or 20s. America's come a long way since then.

If we'd come forward our families would have been crushed, careers ruined and her grandkids would have been upset.

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Some of you may not believe me or think I'm exaggerating - but the truth is I know every curve, every pore, every liver spot on Bar's body. And I don't regret a second of it.

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I'm one of the few lucky, lucky men who knows how sexy Bar looks out of her clothes and soft focus. How else would I know Bar's favorite position is something she calls "The 20/20?"

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Leave no doubt, Barbara Walters is one of my 10 most fascinating lovers.

Least Popular Tattoo Phrases.

• "Fug Life."
• "西贡报鸡豆腐" (Kung Pao Chicken with Bean Curd).
• "Only God and My Parole Officer Can Judge Me."
• "I Suffer From Chronic Lower Back Pain."
• "Ned Beatty 4Eva"
• "God Grant Me The Serenity To Not Regret This Tattoo Once I Sober Up"
• "How's My Walking? Call 1-800-Talk-2-Me and let me know."
• "I 'Heart' Uday."
• "American By Birth, Southern Because My Parents Were Cousins."

Coming to a Theater Near You.

Ironic Man (2008)

Overview

Director: Wes Anderson

Writer: Diablo Cody

Release Date: The future

Genere: Idiosyncratic Situational Edutainment

Tagline: Isn't it ironic ... don't you think?

Plot Outline: Chad "The Big D" Deboyne (Jason Schwartzman) is a down-and-out, part-time blogger/bassist/percussionist/rapper/record store clerk/vinyl junkie/DJ/Big Star expert/cybergoth slacker. Working at Revolver Records, he secretly learns his boss (Bill Murray) plans to sell the store to a development corporation for Orange Julius. Chad shares his knowledge with his co-worker girlfriend (Ellen Page). Together, the couple begin blogging about the store's imminent demise. In a nod to post-post modern deconstructionism, the couple form a Facebook group to save the store. Along the way, Deboyne finds an extremely rare and highly sought Velvet Underground single on eBay. He buys it for pennies knowing the record's real value could pay for the store. The couple continue their discreet mission to save the store from development, enlisting friends from her raw vegan cooking class and his weekend cricket team. Eventually Page's character is fired and she begins a new job at a lesbian PoMo coffee shop called The Bean. Just before the store is sold, DeBoyne sells the prized Velvet Underground single to a record collector - Julius Freed III. Freed (Owen Wilson) is the heir to the Orange Julius fortune. After buying the record store, DeBoyne promises to stock only records from independent labels and local band demos.

MPAA: Rated R for language, adult situations and a Nico soundtrack.

Running Time: 120 minutes just like the MTV show, but not really.

Sound Mix: Lo-fi, edgy.

How to Tell You Downloaded a Fake Media File.

Nearly 500,000 people may have downloaded a phony music or video file that's actually a spyware-infested Trojan Horse. The outbreak is one of the biggest in years and occurred within the last week.

Here are some things to check if you download a suspicious file:

• Is the file of a pornographic nature? If so it's probably some of that sick stuff you're into, you disgusting pervert.
• If you downloaded songs by Daughtry that sound like crap - don't be alarmed. That's how they actually sound.
• Any files involving goat pornography probably belong to someone else. Because you would never do that. You don't even know how those files got on the computer. It's not like you surf the net all day Googling Goat+Hot+Love+Tang.
• Only download music from trusted sites based in Liberia.
• Always remember - it's impossible to download anything from your landline phone.
• If you suspect you downloaded a Trojan Horse, keep an eye out for Odysseus - he's a bad ass.