An Admission.

Dear Readers,

I don't trust people who use Jif Peanut Butter. They are deceitful savages and should be treated as such.

Sincerely,

Grant Miller, Esq.

Congratulations!

Grant Miller Media congratulates the team from Utah or wherever for winning that World Cup of America thingie recently.

The 2009 Drysdale Awards.

Grant Miller Media is accepting nominations for the 2009 Drysdale Awards for Blogs.

Nominees will be announced Nov. 30 and winners will be selected and feted at a lavish gala ceremony planned for late December in Chicago. All are welcome.

Categories for nomination are:

• Blogger of the Year.
• Least Influential Political Blog.
• Blogger that Spreads the Most Rumors About Other Bloggers.
• Blog with the Worst Spelling and Grammar.
• Blog with the Most Spam Comments.
• Blog with the Most Posts about Jon or Kate Gosselin.
• Blog with the Most Stolen Material.
• Blog with the Most Kitties.
• Blog with the Most Baby Pictures.
• Most Overt Use of Search Engine Optimization.
• Most Obvious Posts Where a Blogger is Clearly Being Paid to Endorse a Product or Service.
• Most Overt Plugging of a Blogger's Twitter or Facebook Page.
• Ugliest Blog.
• Longest Post.
• Least Updated Blog.
• Worst Commenter.
• Blog with the Most Swearing.
• Dullest Blog.
• The McGone Honorary Memorial Award for Lifetime Achievement in the Field of Not Blogging.

Nominations will be accepted via comments on this post or by e-mailing here. Please type "NOMINATIONS" in the subject line for all e-mail submissions. Details for the lavish ceremony gala will be announced shortly.

Welcome Gitmo Detainees!

The Justice Department recently proposed moving 100 alleged terrorists from Guantánamo Bay to a vacant prison in Northwest Illinois when the controversial detention facility closes in 2010.

As a lifelong Illinoisian, I'd like to welcome these alleged terrorists and jihadists to my home state. I hope your stay is pleasant - though not too pleasant - and provides you with memories to share with your family for years to come - in the event you see them again.

Here's a list of my favorite spots in Illinois - the places you absolutely "must see" before you're executed or martyred.

1. Galena. Just an hour north of the federal prison you'll call home for the rest of your life is this historic town of 3,500. Galena sees nearly a million visitors each year and is the former home of President Grant and author Herman Melville. It's a great place to go antiquing, play golf or go skiing. The quaint downtown is dotted with enough candy shops to make any Jihadi forget the Great Satan for awhile.
2. Springfield. Illinois' state capital is rife with boarded up buildings, dilapidated monuments and abandoned factories. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't visit this historic town in the off chance you're found not guilty. Be sure to see the new Lincoln library to see why he suspended habeas corpuse during the Civil War!
3. Starved Rock. Do you like hunger strikes? Then Starved Rock State Park is for you! Come and see where a band of Illiniwek Native Americans starved after getting trapped by hostile members of the Potawatomi and Ottawa tribes, that is if you're ever allowed to leave your eight foot cell.
4. Wrigley Field. If you thought waterboarding was bad, just try watching the Cubs for a couple innings - that's torture. You'll be singing like a bird in no time.
5. East St. Louis. Longing for home? Visit this southern Illinois city across the Mississippi from St. Louis and soak in some of the local atmosphere. East St. Louis's bombed out architecture, decimated downtown and spotty electricity will make you think you're back in Kabul.

And be sure to say "Hi" to your prison neighbors - they're probably former governors.

Reasons Why Oprah is Leaving.

• To spend more time with Gayle King.
• To go rogue.
• Just gotta chillax.
• Career wasn't going anywhere.
• Because Twitter is the future of entertainment.
• To spend more time with her money.
• Stedman finally getting off his lazy ass and finding a job.
• Because she can, girlfriend!
• Had fallen too far behind with her book club.
• Wants to star in movies about hunky, teenage vampires with sass and attitude.
• Appointed to Obama cabinet as Secretary of Trendy Spirituality.

Brian Stepanek Named Grant Miller Media's "Dexiest Man Alive."

Dex commercial spokesman Brian Stepanek was named Grant Miller Media's "Dexiest Man Alive" on Wednesday.

Stepanek, whom Grant Miller Media described as "the Dex guy" also won the award in 2008 and 2007 against limited competition.

"People don't generally rate Dexiness. But if they do, they probably think of that guy from the Dex commercials. Or the guy from 'Whose Line Is It Anyway" because they kind of look alike and it's easy to confuse them," Grant Miller Media said in a statement.

"At least it's not that damn Dell dude."

Sarah Palin TV Appearances This Week.

The following are Sarah Palin's scheduled television appearances this week:

• "Oprah."
• "Good Morning America."
• "World News."
• "Hannity."
• "20/20"
• "Sports Center."
• "Deal or No Deal."
• "Smallville."
• "Saturday Night Football."
• "Cold Case."
• "Gossip Girl."
• "The Mentalist."
• "Your Baby Can Read."
• "WWE Smackdown."
• "M*A*S*H."
• "Meerkat Manor."
• "BET's Top 25."
• "Coming Out Stories."
• "Cinemax: After Dark."
• "Niños Ricos, Pobres Padres."
• "Sábado Gigante."
• "Little Bear."
• "Yo Gabba Gabba!"
• "Is Colon Detox Hype?"
• "Bosley: Hair Loss Answers."
• "Svengoolie."
• "Yo! MTV Raps."

"2012" Review.

If you've ever dreamed of seeing John Cusak burned alive in a cataclysmic, end-of-days catastrophe, this is your movie.

Mr. Cusack is typically cast as a sensitive boyfriend, a mild-mannered teacher or a wise-cracking co-worker. These roles showcase his understated and sublime talents but leave audiences wanting something different - like to see him severed at the waist by the Empire State Building spire as it crumbles to the ground.

That's what makes "2012" so refreshing - finally a movie where John Cusack gets what he so richly deserves - an explosive, terrifying and torturous end, albeit cinematically.

This is not to say "2012" is perfect. There are several things missing from it, namely:

• John Cusack being strangled by a fire-breathing flying python.
• John Cusack watching as each member of his family falls from atop Mt. Everest into a fiery pit of hellfire before he is finally ripped apart by possessed, mutant Sherpas infected with otherworldly diseases.
• John Cusack being dropped from Air Force one over the Grand Canyon into a Colorado River filled with blood.

Like many movie goers, I often fantasize about watching John Cusack's demise.

I can imagine the pained and terrified expression as he realizes everything he holds dear is caving in around him. I can hear his blood curdling screams tear his larynx until he is no more, on film that is. I can practically envision him entering a building only to watch that building explode with him inside. These dreams are so real I can nearly feel it.

That's why "2012" is so perfect. It's like someone entered my dreams of watching horrible, cataclysmic events destroy John Cusack and brought them to life. Well, celluloid life, at least. It would be unkind to wish that upon John Cusack the man.

Although seeing it in film is pretty sweet.

Obama Urges China to Take Global Role on Climate.

In his first visit to China, President Obama today pressed China to take a greater role improving the environment and eliminating pollution. Here are transcripts of Obama's speech before President Hu Jintao as translated by Grant Miller Media.

"Good afternoon. It is my deep and sincere honor to be in the presence of such a dear and benevolent leader, President Hu Jintao. It also is the deep and sincere honor of my family to meet such an eternally prosperous, distinguished and supreme leader.

"It also is the greatest honor of my ancestors and my ancestors' ancestors for me to be in the presence of the truth and light that is your highest magnificence, President Hu.

"It is with this deep, true, absolute and unquestioned reverence that I stand before you today, Dear Sacred Leader. Without your unparalleled excellency the world would cease to exist.

"As President of the United States, I am wholly and completely unworthy to be within your presence. Your country, in its boundless and infinite generosity, holds more U.S. Treasury securities than any other nation, great or small. We are eternally indebted to your great nation and are forever thankful.

"Additionally, if you could clean up the environment, stop human rights abuse and censoring the Internet, that'd be good. Not that you - in your infinite and tremendous wisdom - have to do any of these things.

"So we're cool?"

Surprising Revelations in Sarah Palin's Memoir, "Going Rogue."

• In high school, Palin was voted "Most Likely to Exploit Her Family."
• Experimented with "going rogue" with her college roommate.
• Her pets all have people names, kids all have pet names.
• Modeled for Lens Crafters before entering politics.
• Once caught Todd Palin "goin' rogue" if you know what I mean.
• The memoir contains more apostrophes than any other book in the history of the printed word.
• Owns every episode of "Will & Grace" on DVD and Blu-ray.
• Nicknamed husband "Todd the Impaler"
• After a long day of hunting moose from a helicopter, Palin enjoys curling up with a glass of wine and some "Gilmore Girls."
• On a dare, once ate her weight in Funyuns.
• As John McCain's running mate, Palin was required to remove his bib prior to speeches.
• In France, the book is titled "Going Rogué."
• Already working on a follow-up titled "Gone Rogue."

Warren Beatty on Fantasy Football.

Hey, it's War...

What do you think of football? The ole pigskin? The gridiron? America's game?

Yeah that's great and I'd love to hear you tell me about it but I'll tell you what right now. I don't care for football. Oh I watch it, sure. But I don't care for it. I don't need it. I don't have to have it like some people. You know?

That's why I don't get fantasizing about football. You hear these guys "Oh I gotta get my fantasy football rosters in" blah blah blah.

Do you get that? Do you? Not me.

I mean, I mean if I'm gonna fantasize about anything it's not gonna be about a bunch a pituitary cases trying to tackle each other. You know? I mean come on.

You wanna talk about fantasies? You wanna talk about fantasies? Hell, I've lived all my fantasies. Here's a fantasy - getting stranded in Tahoe during a dental hygienist convention. That's a fantasy. Happened to me back in '82. Good Lord the stories I could tell you about Tahoe.

Mercy.

So what's your fantasy? I mean, come on. It's late on a Friday. There's nobody around except for old War. You can tell me. And don't get all embarrassed - trust me there's nothing you could say that I haven't already thought of. Hell, there's nothing you can say I haven't already tried. That Julie Christie - wow. You hear?

You know, I hear this all the time about regular people fantasizing about movie stars - like we're some rare species or something. Hey, I'm a celebrity - a big celebrity - and I'm here to tell you right now I'm just like any other guy. I got the same needs. The same wants. The same desires. You know?

Hey, Annette's out for the weekend and I'm gonna grab some dinner. You doing anything for din din? Wanna continue this little tete-a-tete over a Chianti at the Garden? Come on - I got nothing to do. It's totally innocent. I can even tell you about Tahoe over some endless bread sticks....

Warren Beatty is an award winning actor, director and producer. He is a frequent contributor to Grant Miller Media.