John Glenn
A. Half Of U.S. Businesses Are Home Based.
B. Kazakh Journalist Denied Access To White House Briefing. 
C. War-Torn Middle East Seeks Solace In Religion.
FAKE! (via The Onion).
Post your guess in the comments. Answer revealed Monday.
Situation: 
Each week, Grant Miller will answer your Fantasy Football questions in this space. You can e-mail your questions by clicking here. Be sure to put Attn: Dear Mr. Fantasy in the subject field. Please include your full name, hometown and state. Be aware, due to the large volume of submissions received, Grant Miller cannot guarantee personal responses or answers to all questions.
Dear Mr. Miller,
I have managed to stick my head up my own ass. Could you please offer advice on how I can extricate my brain from my bowel? I realize this is not fantasy football related, but I am stuck.
Andres M.
Edinville, FL
GM: I get this question a lot every season - it's more common than you may think. Many fantasy football owners are merely curious about their own ass. Others do it for laughs. But it's no joking matter if your head is caught there. My advice is to eat a sensible diet and avoid spicy foods because that may only lead to irritation. Talk to your family doctor about ways to extricate your head such as exercise, relaxation training or meditation. Your doctor may suggest you speak to a counselor about things that are bothering you.
The top news story on Yahoo this afternoon was about the Mars Rover.
After 21 months, it reached the rim of a giant crater. It then stood there and took a few totally boring pictures - like a moron tourist at the Grand Canyon.
Did you know Mars rovers have been around since the 1970s? Did you know rocks from Mars land on Earth all the time? Did you know the tallest mountain in the Milky Way is on Mars? No.
Did you know Mars is boring? Yes!
Unless you're one of those guys that totally gets into rocks and sand. Or one of those guys that totally gets into outer space. Otherwise, it's boring as shit. There's nothing to do except take pictures of rocks. There's no place to go and there are no aliens. If Mars was a city it would be Omaha.
If NASA intends to hold my interest for future space exploration, things must change:
On second thought, maybe I've been spending too much time at shadowy underworld sado-masochistic biker bar not far from here.
Situation:
This is the 503rd post at The Official Site Of Grant Miller. That one post the other day was post 500!
Dear Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Terrell Owens,
I read the news today with great saddness. I never knew you felt this way. You could have come to me.
Two years ago, I traded a first-round fantasy football draft pick to my sister for you! A first rounder! Can you believe it? I had high hopes for you and Donovan McNabb.
But your statitics last year in Philadelphia were disappointing. You had a few good games before being suspended and traded to Dallas. First you upset Donovan McNabb, but more importantly you disappointed me.
This summer, I declined to protect you as a franchise player and let you slip into the free agent draft. I could have re-drafted you with an early pick, but didn't want the headache. You never even made it to my draft cheat sheet. But I never meant to hurt you.
After hearing the news, I can't help feeling mildly responsible. If there is anything I can do, please let me know. Until then, you will be in my thoughts. But not on my fantasy team.
Sincerely,
Grant Miller, Esq.
Situation:
Working Mother magazine released its annual list of the 100 best companies on Monday.
Again, The Official Site Of Grant Miller did not make the cut.
This comes as little surprise since The Official Site Of Grant Miller does not employ women. From the boardroom to the mail room, The Official Site Of Grant Miller is a male dominated company.
Not just men, though. White men. White, middle-class, suburban, college educated men. Not one person of color and no women. It's like the Civil Rights movement never happened.
Sure, there's no official policy forbidding women or minorities from working at The Official Site Of Grant Miller. But there's an unspoken code that permeates the entire office. If you're not white, if you're not a man, if you're not 34-years old - you can't work here.
Over the next year, I hope to change that atmosphere. The Official Site Of Grant Miller will make a point of employing people of diverse backgrounds. No one should be turned away from working at The Official Site Of Grant Miller because of their sex or ethnicity.
I will make a point to employ more working mothers over the next year. And if those working mothers happen to be highly attractive, Asian working mothers, so be it. Not just one, but two would be ideal.
I also hope to employ more African-American working mothers too. Women like Beyonce - someone who can juggle both a family and a demanding career with long hours. Of course, sometimes those long hours really are just a couple minutes. But still.
Next year, the Official Site Of Grant Miller also will employ more people of Latin ethnicity. Particularly working Latina mothers. Women like Salma Hayek or Penelope Cruz.
It is my sincere hope that one day, The Official Site Of Grant Miller will top the list of great companies for working mothers. Especially, attractive working mothers.
Dear Green Day's Billie Joe Armstrong,
October 1 is this Sunday.
Sincerely,
Grant Miller, Esq.
Situation:
Dear Reader,
I apologize for my lack of posts yesterday. I was getting a facial.
Sincerely,
Grant Miller, Esq.
Situation:
Mike Ditka
A. Clinton Takes Stand Against Harmful UV Radiation.
FAKE! (via The Onion).
B. U.S. Labor Secretary Announces Drug-Free Work Week.
C. Congressman To Discuss Men's Health Act of 2006.
Jimmy Johnson
A. Ricky Martin To Speak Before Congress On Human Trafficking.
B. Bush Launches Preemptive Attack On Social Security.
FAKE! (via The Onion)
C. Focus On The Family Therapist Accused Of Condoning Slavery.
Post your response in the comments. Answer revealed Monday.
Winner: Death
Why it's a Winner: It is the only true certainty in life! It is unpredictable! You might not even finish reading this sentence! Even though it is entirely unpredictable, you can guarantee it will happen to you! Eventually!
Loser: Life .jpg)
Why it's a Loser: It is entirely predictable! Everyone's life will end the same way - with death! It is filled with misery and depression and pain and loss and it's over much too soon!
Post your answer in the comments. Idenity revealed Monday.
Dear Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad,
I know this is late, but welcome to the United States. Our societies could not be more different, but I hope you feel at home here.
You spoke before the United Nations on Tuesday, condemning the United States and blaming Israel for many of your region's problems. You railed against Western society and scolded our elected leaders. Quite frankly, you sounded like a lunatic, but more importantly - you did it with class.
Few political leaders have the courage to stand before the world without a tie, but you did. News pundits everywhere noted your lack of tie, but you did not care. You might believe the international media is run by Zionists, but you do it in style.
Your disregard of traditional fashion is a refreshing jolt to otherwise dreary foreign affairs. What other world leader would dare wear a light colored blazer after Labor Day? No one, that's who. Jacques Chirac might believe he's a clothes horse, but he's got nothing on your Persian chic.
Though I disagree with your politics, I respect your fashion sense. You may be a Holocaust denier, but there is no denying you've got style.
Sincerely,
Grant Miller, Esq.
Situation:
Each week, Grant Miller will answer your Fantasy Football questions in this space. You can e-mail your questions by clicking here. Be sure to put Attn: Dear Mr. Fantasy in the subject field. Please include your full name, hometown and state. Be aware, due to the large volume of submissions received, Grant Miller cannot guarantee personal responses or answers to all questions.
Dear Mr. Fantasy,
I don't really give two squirts about football but don't want my friends to think I am a pansy. How can I keep my masculinity and still watch cooking shows on Sundays?
Michael K.
Chicago
GM: Great question, Mike. Can I call you Mike? I can? Super. This is a serious dilemma for many lukewarm fantasy football owners. But your problem is unique. I did some digging and learned your friends don't think you're a pansy. That's because you have no friends. And it also appears you have no job. And by all indications, you soon will be homeless. Other than that, you seem like a great guy. Good luck with your team!
This week's Time Magazine cover asks "Does God Want You To Be Rich?"
Some churches believe God wants followers to obtain wealth and further spread the gospel. Others call it heresy, that money has become a false idol. Both sides base their arguments in the Bible and have legions of followers.
I believe both sides are equally incorrect.
God does not want you to be rich. God does not want you driving through rush-hour traffic in an $80,000 Jaguar XK-Convertible while a single mother of four rides the bus to her second job. God does not want you vacationing in your ocean front mansion while a few miles away a disabled veteran sleeps in a homeless shelter.
Nor does God want you to be that single mother of four or that homeless veteran.
God is fickle. God's message is not always clear. God works in ways beyond our comprehension.
But I believe God loves everyone equally, regardless of financial status. As long as you believe, God loves you. It does not matter how much is in your bank account.
More importantly, God loves me very much. Probably more than you. And God wants me to be rich. Very, very rich. Not you. Me.
Too bad you poor ignorant, bastards!
Situation:I keep a running diary of every person that has ever glimpsed my blog. I know where they come from and pretend to know exactly where they live. Their phone numbers. The routes they take home from work. Their daily routines. Nothing serious.
Since I don't really know who reads this blog, I've made a few logical assumptions about some visitors based on where they come from. Examples:
Favorites..................Underdogs
"Prison Break"....................6....................Abu Ghraib reruns
"House"...............................2...................."This Old House"
"The Amazing Race"..........31/2................Whites
The black team.....................2...................."Masterpiece Theater"
"Two And A Half Men".......3....................A college degree
"Friends" repeat...................5...................."The Class"
"Seinfeld" repeat...................81/2................"Old Christine"
No deal...................................Pick 'em.......Deal
"CSI: NY".................................2...................."CSI: Tulsa"
"How I Met Your Mother"...4..................."Wife Swap"
Shark Week............................6..................."Shark"
"The Bachelor".......................2...................Rome
"America's Funniest Home Videos".....61/2.........America
"Without A Trace".................4...................."Vanished"
Situation:
Some neighbors were moving over the weekend.
"Looks like the Harris' across the street are moving today," my wife said.
"Yep."
Our families are not close. We say hello. We wave. But it doesn't go much further. I've never set foot in their house nor they in mine.
I knew what my wife was hinting. She thought I should at least offer a hand. I kept quiet.
"I never knew how much stuff they had. Just the two of them," she said.
"Yep."
She knew that if I offered a hand, I'd quickly be turned away. But I'd look like a hero.
"I feel bad. It doesn't even look like they hired real movers. I think that's their son helping them."
"Yep."
The Bears game was on.
"Why don't you go over and see if they need some help. Who knows? You might even get inside and see what their house is like."
She had a point. I'm very nosey about other people's houses. Sure, I shake my head at their hideous interior design, but another person's bad taste always provides me with a sense of pride when I get home. I'd never seen the Harris home and figured it was filled with Hummels and Precious Moments - the kind of stuff that makes me laugh.
Halftime was approaching and the game already was out of reach. I slipped on my shoes and walked across the street.
As I got nearer, I realized that wasn't the Harris' son. In fact, I didn't see the Harris' anywhere around. And the movers were not being very careful with the merchandise. I peeked in the house and saw they had ransacked the place.
"Hey, do you guys need some help moving," I asked.
That's when I realized these men were not movers. They were robbers.
I walked back home and told my unfathomably beautiful wife the Harris' didn't need any help. The second half was starting soon.
Situation:
Whole Foods' sandwich cookies are the greatest culinary delight the world will ever know. They are perfect. They are delicious. They have no equal. Everyone else should give up.
There are three varieties of the Whole Foods' sandwich cookies - chocolate, vanilla and a combination of those.
The chocolate is delicious. It makes Oreo Cookies taste like horseshit. Complete and total horseshit. The Whole Foods brand chocolate sandwich cookie is perfect. Nabisco, makers of Oreo Cookies, can go fuck themselves. That's how good the Whole Foods chocolate sandwich cookies are.
But I slightly prefer the Whole Foods vanilla sandwich cookie. But barely. It's hideously buttery and makes my mouth tingle from sugar. Like the Whole Foods chocolate sandwich cookie, the vanilla sandwich cookie also is perfect and cannot be touched. They make me cry.
But the combination sandwich cookie is not perfect. When I go to Whole Foods, I buy one box of vanilla, another of chocolate and a combination. The vanilla usually goes first and the chocolate is gone almost as quickly.
The combination box may sit around for weeks, barely opened.
The other day, I opened the pantry door and searched for a snack. I found nothing. But as I closed the door, I glimpsed the combination box toward the back, bottom shelf.
I opened the door again. I stared at the box and closed the door in frustration. I didn't want the combination cookie. In fact, the thought of combining the vanilla and chocolate cookies revolted me.
I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich instead. It was delicious. But as I stood, waiting for the bread to toast, it hit me:
"Why am I such a racist?"
Situation:
A common worker ant
Post your answer in the comments. Identity revealed Monday.
That one guy that works at your Blockbuster.
Post your answers in the comments. Identity revealed Monday.
Winners: Terrorists
Why they are Winners: They won! We gave in to fear! We aren't able to do simple and ordinary things! We didn't go on living our lives as usual!
Losers: Virgins 
Why they are losers: They don't get to have sex. Nobody wants to have sex with them! They don't know what they are doing! They have sex with terrorists! In Heaven!
Tags: Terrorism, Virgins, Winners, Losers
Post your answer in the comments. Identity revealed Monday.Each week, Grant Miller will answer your Fantasy Football questions in this space. You can e-mail your questions by clicking here. Be sure to put Attn: Dear Mr. Fantasy in the subject field. Please include your full name, hometown and state. Be aware, due to the large volume of submissions received, Grant Miller cannot guarantee personal responses or answers to all questions.
This week, Grant Miller provides answers to questions previously posted at CBS Sportsline.
Dear Mr. Fantasy,
I drafted Darrell Jackson and then took a flier on Deion Branch; now that he was traded to Seattle I have both. What would you do here?
GM: I probably wouldn't have done that. In fact, I probably wouldn't have done anything. I don't actually football that closely. I have a fantasy football team, but I haven't put much time into it for a couple years. It's fun and cheap and makes Sundays slightly more interesting, but beyond that I don't follow it anymore. I prefer baseball and basketball. In fact, I didn't even know Deion Branch was traded until you told me. Even now, I'm not sure I know who Deion Branch is.
Dear Mr. Fantasy,
With the loss of Deion Branch, do you think it is wise to pick up Troy Brown? I need a receiver and now he is number one in New England...
Thanks,
Jim
GM: Number one in New England? That's quite a statement, don't you think? Technically, Delaware is number one in New England - it was the first state. But you can't really call Delaware New England. But if I had to choose, I would say Rhode Island is number one in New England. It's small, so limited reward, limited loss.
Dear Mr. Fantasy,
I was one of many No. 1 pick holders who drafted Larry Johnson. The Chiefs overall looked pretty poor and for some reason didn't want to get LJ his 20-plus touches. Should I be concerned/thinking about a trade already?
Josh
Washington D.C.
GM: Perhaps you should stop thinking about yourself and consider how Larry Johnson feels.
Dear Mr. Fantasy,
Who would you pick up as insurance for B. Westbrook -- Ryan Moats or Correll Buckhalter? I've read different articles saying one or the other. Please help! Thanks in advance!
Gina
Newport Beach, CA.
GM: That's a great question, Gina. I'm glad you asked. I think you should take Correll Buckhalter. But Ryan Moats would make a great pick-up, too!
Dear Readers,
The Official Site Of Grant Miller is undergoing significant change. Allow me to explain:
Sincerely,
Grant Miller, Esq.
Situation:
Dear Reader,
Plans for an ongoing video diary have a hit a snag.
I recently created a profile on YouTube with the screen name "lonelygrant15."
It seemed pretty simple - create a profile and begin a video diary detailing all the worst things that have ever happened to me and make some friends along the way.
But that's where things got tricky.
I began filming a few of the video diaries and making friends. Evidently, some thought I was a lonely, 15-year-old boy named Grant, not a 34-year-old suburban dad cruising the Internet.
Things got really sticky when I agreed to meet these "friends." These "friends" were not friends at all - they were a Dateline film crew.
Suffice to say, those video diaries are off limits until they are reviewed by a judge.
I apologize for the delay.
Sincerely,
Grant Miller, Esq.
Situation:
The issue of illegal immigration is sure to simmer throughout the 2006 election season.
An estimated 11 million undocumented immigrants live in the U.S. Many on the left believe Congress should consider comprehensive immigration reform that tightens the borders and allows undocumented immigrants a path to citizenship.
President Bush proposed sending the national guard to the Mexican border and a temporary worker program.
It's unlikely anything will be resolved before the November election. Both sides may keep the debate alive for political purposes.
Instead of turning to Minutemen volunteers or Latino groups for direction, I suggest both parties listen to the sage advice of Genesis drummer and frontman, Phil Collins.
Collins has been at the forefront of the immigration debate since 1983 when Genesis released its hit single "Illegal Alien."
Although Collins is an Englishman, his voice carries a resonance comparable only to Woody Guthrie - an American icon. Despite Collins' amazing financial wealth, he clearly speaks for the common man.
The song is a manifesto on the plight of the undocumented worker. In the recording, Collins concludes that existence as an unlawful foreign national is unpleasant.
All true patriots should listen to Collins' words when considering immigration reform.
Situation:
Dear B-List Celebrity,
Last week, The Official Site Of Grant Miller saw its highest traffic levels ever. This was largely due to posts on the untimely death of crocodile hunter Steve Irwin.
Many turned to the Internet following Mr. Irwin's passing. Thanks to a Technorati glitch, many were sent to The Official Site Of Grant Miller.
Traffic has since returned to normal levels at The Official Site Of Grant Miller. This is unfortunate because, as you can tell, I speak for a generation.
That's why I'm asking you, B-List Celebrity, to die. Your untimely death guarantees your name will live on forever. More importantly, it will drive more visitors to my site.
But do not simply pass away in your sleep - that's boring and old fashioned. I suggest you die in a highly unfortunate and dramatic way. Mr. Irwin is a perfect example of how to die with zeal.
Certainly Hugh Grant has considered death as a career move. Now is the time for him to gag to death on a transvestite's penis while hopped up on crystal meth.
And Courtney Love saw what death did for her husband's career. Perhaps she should consider an unfortunate overdose at a famous Hollywood producer's home?
Although I love the work of Dave Chappelle, I would love it more if he died. Especially if he did so aboard a corporate jet with Jack Black and four hookers.
These are only suggestions. There are several B-List celebrities who should consider death to further their career - and mine!
Sincerely,
Grant Miller, Esq.
Situation:
Situation:
Post your answer in the comments. Identity revealed Monday.
Eddie Van Halen
Post your answer in the comments. Identity revealed on Monday.
Ronald McDonald
Winner: Anti-Depressants.
Why they are winners: Because they are great! They are so great! Really! Really, Really!
Loser: Depressants
Why they are Losers: I don't know. Whatever. Seriously. I don't care.
Tosp rouy snswera ni eht sommentc. Ydeniti devealer Yondam.
Situation:
Each Thursday Grant Miller will answer your fantasy football questions in this space. You can email your questions here. Due to the number of submissions received, Grant Miller cannot guarantee a personal response to every question.
This week, Grant Miller provides mostly unhelpful answers to questions originally posted to a CBS Sportsline Fantasy Football page.
Dear Mr. Fantasy,
I am having a tough time with this first week. I drafted Ronnie Brown in the first round and he is going to be "the" guy, but with Thomas Jones starting and facing a weak Packer defense and Brian Westbrook ready to go for Week 1 against the Texans, my gut is telling me to go with Jones and Westbrook. We can only start two RBs and have no "swing" player. Conventional wisdom says to not bench Brown on the first week. I am leaning towards Jones and Westbrook or Jones and Brown. What would you do?
Dave Richard (seriously)
GM: You seem like a nice, caring person, but I it's unfair your siblings expect you to lift your grandmother out of her depression. Many people her age socialize and remain active in their community. She needs more interaction with peers - something you cannot give her. Try enrolling her in some adult education courses via the park district or community college.
Dear Mr. Fantasy,
I am in a league that requires starting three WRs. I have Randy Moss and Chad Johnson who are obvious choices, but for my third slot I need to pick between Nate Burleson, Reche Caldwell and Ernest Wilford. Who do I go with in Week 1?
Dave
Boston, MA
GM: I'm not sure. It sounds like a collapsed lifter or a worn out cam-shaft lobe. If it's either of those, the car's days are numbered, I'm afraid to say. It should be okay for a little bit. Make sure you check the oil and top it off as needed. Maybe get a case of Gunk Oil Treatment or something. But start saving for a new car, because that one ain't gonna last, Rosemary.
Situation:
Tributes from around the world continue to pour in since the untimely death of Steve "Crocodile Hunter" Irwin on Monday.
According to the New York Times, hundreds of fans placed flowers outside the Australian Zoo - Irwin's wildlife park in Queensland. Peter Beattie, Queensland's premier, even offered a state funeral.
On Tuesday, CNN's Kyra Phillips said many Australians compared Irwin's death to those of President Kennedy or Princess Diana.
Australian Prime Minister John Howard called Irwin a "genuine, one-off remarkable Australian individual."
Certainly other global leaders will offer similar words of praise in the coming days.
But amid these heartfelt condolences, one voice remains silent.
J.D. Fortune has not offered a public statement since Irwin's death. That is shameful.
Who is J.D. Fortune? He is the lead singer of INXS - Australia's most valuable natural resource. Why hasn't he made a public announcement? I'm not sure, but it may have something to do with the fact he's Canadian.
True, he's not the lead singer of INXS. Everyone knows Michael Hutchence is the singer. But Mr. Hutchence was Australian, as are the remaining band members. Fortune is Hutchence's heir - and with that comes the responsibility to publicly laud Mr. Irwin.
Shame on you, Mr. Fortune. Shame!
Situation:
"Does your TiVo think you're gay?"
I've heard this question from many people. Apparently, it's a common problem.
You give a thumbs up to "Will And Grace" or watch a little too much of the Winter Olympics and suddenly your TiVo is recording repeats of "Queer Eye" and "The Christopher Lowell Show" night and day.
I've never had that problem, but I understand it's common.
My TiVo believes I'm straight. It's correct in this assumption. But I'm not as straight as my TiVo would have you believe.
In the past week, my TiVo has recommended "Guns Of The World" twice and "Joseph Stalin" on the History Channel. It's also suggested "Mail Call" and "Battleplan." These are new suggestions.
Previously, my TiVo has recommended college football games of colleges I know nothing about and home improvement shows that are too complex for me.
But the most recent military recommendations hurt the most. Doesn't my TiVo know me by now? I'm straight - my TiVo knows this - but I'm not that straight.
Granted, I was sucked into a special on the Nazis recently. And I sometimes catch programs on natural disasters. And I love "Unsolved Mysteries." And my oldest daughter, Allison, loves programs about sharks. But my TiVo should know - I watch these fleetingly. I do not need them recommended to me.
Now I'm obligated. I have to watch these programs or else my TiVo will think less of me. It should be okay for a little while. I think the "Desperate Housewives" premiere is a few weeks away still.
Steven Robert IrwinA Dream Deferred - By Langston Hughes
What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
and then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?
Situation:
Post your answers in the comments. Identity revealed Tuesday.
Post your answers in the comments. Idenity revealed Monday.
John Mark Karr
Post your answers in the comments. Identity revealed Monday.
Buzz Aldrin
Dear Reader,
On Monday, I posted a cryptic message from my notebook that I could not decipher. I posted it hoping someone would jog my memory or at least make me laugh.
Though the message remains a mystery, a comment left by GETkristiLOVE made me laugh, which is difficult since I'm such a morose type. She explained the cryptic message like this: "Your favorite show as a kid, the distance you remain from any chow, and the place where you do your best writing?"
Because GETkristiLOVE made me laugh, next Monday the Official Site Of Grant Miller will be known as "The Official Site Of GETkristiLOVE." She clearly deserves the honors and also appears to be the reader most in need of LOVE. Plus her blog is rather funny.
Congratulations to GETkristiLOVE and thank you to all who participated.
Sincerely,
Grant Miller, Esq.
Winner: Talking the talk and walking the walk.
Why it's a winner: You're a straight shooter! You get the job done in style! You give 110 percent - every time! You're a team player! You've always got your game face on!
Loser: Being confined to a wheel chair.
Why it's a loser:You make people feel bad! You might talk the talk, but face it - you cannot walk the walk! You know you'll be picked last!
Post your answers in the comments. Identity revealed Monday.
Situation:
Dear Reader,
A post titled "I Am At War With Four Other Bloggers And Will Not Rest Until Each Lays Dead Or They Cease Associating With The Unofficial Site Of Grant Miller" was incorrect. The post should have stated I am war with these men. It's okay - they are Scandinavian.
The Official Site Of Grant Miller regrets the error.
Sincerely,
Grant Miller, Esq.
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