Is your office planning a Secret Santa this year? Here are a few tips to make sure you give the right gift at a low price:
- Take Secret Santa seriously.
- Do not talk about Secret Santa.
- Secrecy is the most important part of being a Secret Santa.
- Do not, under any circumstances, reveal your Secret Santa identity - even under duress.
- Study your receiver and learn what makes him tick. Discover his wants and needs - even his deepest, darkest desires. Think how he thinks and feel what he feels. Become him and you will have mastered The Art of The Secret Santa.
- If you must write out gift ideas, burn your notes when finished. Don't be ashamed to hide this list on your person if necessary.
- Sneak up on your receiver to judge his reflexes and ability to handle surprises.
- Cover your tracks by spreading rumors that you're someone else's Secret Santa.
- Wear black when staking your receiver's residence at night.
- Apply WD-40 to any squeaky doors or windows before a stake out.
- Suction cups are preferable to ropes when scaling your receiver's residence.
- Study his patterns. What time does he wake up? Go to bed? What route does he take to and from work? Does he answer his phone when he's home? Does he have pets? What are their names?
- Grow a beard or moustache.
- It is customary to perform an extensive background check on your receiver. You should also study any tax or voting records before purchasing a gift.
- Befriend your receiver's friends and make them his enemies.
- Pick through your receiver's garbage to determine what gifts he already has.
- Move silently - any distraction or noise could blow your cover.
- There is never a wrong time for war paint.
- If your Secret Santa identity is compromised, be prepared to leave the area for an extended time.
- Maintain a six-month supply of non-perishable food, water and medicine at all times.
- Use cash to buy gifts. Credit cards and online retailers leave you prone to hackers who could reveal your Secret Santa identity.
- Move like water - adapt quickly to changing circumstances when others are like the sloth.
- Feign confusion over how Secret Santa works. Your receiver will be less prepared for your perfect gift.
- The wise Secret Santa makes many calculations and adjustments before giving his gift. The unwise Secret Santa gives a gift cards.
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17 comments:
Someone outed me to my secret santa reciever, so I took the necessary steps to protect myself.
On an unrelated note: Could your next post have something in it about creative ways to hide a corpse?
Thanks!
I usually hire someone who looks exactly like me and make sure they are seen buying a gift by my SS receiver. That way when the receiver questions my purchase, I have plausible deniability, as well as witness who can confirm where I actually was at the time.
Then I kill the twin and make it look like my death. From there I move on to a different part of the country, adopt a new identity and wait for the Christmas season to roll around again!
I usually knock out my receiver with a tranquilizer dart, take them to my secret lair and implant them with a tracking device.
Makes the whole studying the receiver business a lot easier.
I usually solve this whole thing by giving the gift of death by repeated bludgeoning. Everyone could use that.
Brilliant.
I'm working on growing a moustache as we speak.
Ha ha! As always, awesome.
I usually buy something incredibly lame like socks with reindeer on them from the dollar store, then I lurk by an impressive looking gift looking smug, so people think I bought that instead.
I'm all about sneaking up on my receiver from behind with plenty o' surprises.
It's my dream to someday be worthy of being stalked by you, Grant.
But if that ever actually happens, I'm pretty sure EG is bigger than you.
I think I woke the wife and dog laughing at the "move like water' line.
a humble request...(for anyone not allowing this post through--not spam--)
Anyone happen to know who Secret Dubai (the blogger: secretdubai.blogspot.com) is?
http://whoissecretdubai.blogspot.com/
you have given away the secret
A picture of an cute kid with a little note that says "He's yours" always works great in a pinch if you don't have time for all the sneaking around.
I may be wrong, but I think when you googled Secret Santa, you may have typed in Secret Stalker. Honest Freudian mistake, after all, he sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake, etc.
Ah hah! Secret Dubai is Secret Santa! I got you!
Don't you mean Secret Stalker?
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