President Obama spoke to reporters today over growing concerns about a swine flu pandemic. The following is a brief portion of his speech obtained by Grant Miller Media and offers several tips to combat the virus:
"Good morning. I want to assure you my administration is closely monitoring the H1N1 (swine) flu virus and we are prepared to do what we can to stop the illness from spreading.
"But individual Americans must also do their part: Keep your hands washed. Cover your mouth when you cough. Stay home from work if you are sick, keep your children home from school if they are sick. Buy a new outfit or something nice for yourself. J.C. Penney's has some great deals on men's slacks. Talbots offers women's clothing that is both affordable and classy.
"Watch a game on television. Get something to eat. Wash your fresh fruits and vegetables before eating. Flush the toilet. Turn off the lights you're not using. Don't wear white before Memorial Day. Always send thank you cards after receiving a gift. Write down the number where you can be reached when you leave home. Put the seat down when you're done. Try some iced oatmeal cookies - they are delicious.
"Don't forget your anniversary. Floss after every meal. You never need more than a centimeter of toothpaste. Always shave along the grain, not against it. Use cold water to rinse after shaving to alleviate cuts and nicks. Use hot water to prepare the razor. Never wear socks with sandals.
"Set your thermostat lower at night or when you're away from home. Don't honk during a traffic jam. Always keep some decaf on hand for guests. Set aside a set of nice towel for guests or parties.
"Read one fiction book for every non-fiction book. Learn the names of your children's playmates and offer to help with homework. Do at least one crossword puzzle a week. Don't read in bed - it fosters poor reading habits.
"Change your contact case at least once every three months. Don't switch cat food abruptly. Buy a new car in August when dealers want to unload current models to make room for new ones. Cops won't ticket you as long as you're within 10 miles of the speed limit. You can always drive 1,000 miles beyond what the Jiffy Lube sticker says.
"May and September have the best weather.
"Thank you and God bless America."
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6 comments:
Obama sounds like my mutha.
Obama kind of messed up on this by leaving out "measure twice, cut once".
I am sure anarchy will result.
Now that's some darn fine advice.
My country has just decided to pretend that the swine flu doesn't exist. Awesome right?
Sid. I wanna move to your country.
And don't cross your eyes, they'll get stuck like that.
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