Swine Flu: 5 Things You Need To Know.

1. Now is the time to panic: Do not hesitate, every minute counts as this virus - which has infected fewer than 1,000 of the world's 6 billion people - wipes out all of humanity. Take a moment to run into the streets screaming, sell all your worldly possessions and live off the land.
2. This is the end of times: There is no turning back and nothing can be done to stop this. Hug your family and children while you still can, you may have only days or hours to live.
3. I once killed a drifter outside Enid, Oklahoma: I know this is supposed to be about the swine flu, but since we're teetering on the edge of extinction I wanted to get this off my chest: In October 1987 I killed a hitchhiker on a rural interstate near Enid. After eating his spleen, I buried his body in forest preserve. There, I said it.
4. I never really liked you: Also unrelated to the swine flu, but knowing our time is limited has opened a well of candor that cannot be shut. It's true, despite my niceties and politeness I never cared for you and only pretended to further my career.
5. The combination to my basement safe is 2276##*227: This last item is for the race of mole-like creatures that will inhabit Earth after we pass. Inside the safe you will find two gold bricks, a collection of seeds which can be grown to maintain plant life, a diagram of a man and woman indicating the average height of humans and our opposable thumbs. The diagram also shows Earth's relative position to the Sun and the surrounding solar system. Godspeed.