Five Things You Need to Know About Healthcare Reform.

1. Everyone will be required to have at least one abortion. In a move to appease liberals, Obama's plan will force all Americans to have at least one abortion during their lifetime. Exemptions would exist for gay, pagan, transgendered, flag-burning or child-molesting sodomite embryos.
2. Everybody will be a Pepper. One of Obama's closest healthcare advisors, Dr Pepper, is a well-known advocate of Pepperization. Under his orders, everyone will be a pepper. He will be a Pepper. She will be a Pepper. They will be a Pepper. We'll be a Pepper. The question now remains wouldn't you like to be a Pepper, too?
3. Doctor, Doctor! Give me the news. I've got a bad case of loving you. No pill is gonna cure my ill. I've got a bad case of loving you.
4. Old people will rounded up and placed in diseased island colonies. For decades, Washington has looked for ways to silence old people. Inspired by Medieval ideas combined with 21st Century technology, this dream will finally come true.
5. Your doctor will be replaced. As everyone knows, liberals maintain their health using archaic pagan rituals, vegan-fair-trade-organic diets, peyote and baby's blood. But even liberals get sick sometimes. And when they do, they take a month long vision quest into the Mojave to connect with the ghost of Jim Morrison and dance with a wise, all-knowing shaman. This will replace the need for doctors and hospitals.