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- Never point fireworks in the face of a department store mannequin. It will blow the mannequin's head off.
- Never use a department store mannequin to hold lit firecrackers. Doing so could turn the mannequin's hand into a bloodless stump.
- Keep all lit fireworks away from your produce, especially melons. Accidentally placing lit fireworks near or inside fruits and vegetables can result in massive explosions.
- Never touch a sparkler. Sparklers are for pussies.
- Keep all fireworks away from your face. Use someone else's face instead.
- Keep a bucket of water nearby in case you decide to wash your car.
- As a precaution always click your spurs together and yell "Yeeeeee Hawwwww!!!!" when firing a gun into the air.
- Always remember, "ooohs" are for odd numbered fireworks, "ahhhhs" are for even numbered fireworks.
- If police are called to your property to confiscate your fireworks, hand them over quickly and quietly. Do not lead them to your apocalyptic, end of days cache of firearms, materiel and rations in your underground bunker.
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4 comments:
I'll expect a consulting fee for this, Grant Miller.
Also, when the cops come over, don't let any of your drugs fall out of a body cavity. I learned that the hard way. Ouch.
what are the rules for being crammed in watching the fireworks over the Hudson River --- can one yell fireworks!
You may not yell "Fireworks!" in a crowded melon, unless you are headless mannequin.
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