Pittsburgh Steelers to Provide Hope for Struggling Welding/Dancing Industry.

Pittsburgh is the capital of America's Rust Belt. For decades it was the center of the steel industry and manufacturing jobs flourished.

But since 1983, many steel workers in this town have taken second jobs just to make ends meet.

Take for example the story of Alexandra Owens. Everyday she works in a man's world as a welder in a nearby steel mill.

But at night, she's an  exotic dancer who dreams of enrolling in the Pittsburgh Conservatory of Dance and Repertory. Sadly, she lacks any formal dance training.

Like many Pittsburgh area welder/dancers, Alexandra - or Alex as she's known -  has followed the Steelers all season. For her, football provides a welcome distraction to the troubled welding/dancing-based economy.

At the steel mill, Alex as she's known - is nearly invisible. Her welding mask hides her beautiful face and dark curly locks. Her dancer's body covered by a dirty, grimy, coverall that hides her exquisite curves. Only when she lifts her welding mask is her identity revealed. Thumping, 1980s dance music played over the mill's loudspeaker only adds to the intrigue.

This scene is repeated throughout Pittsburgh with thousands of steel workers taking second jobs as exotic dancers. 

 

Like thousands of other welder/dancers, Alex lives in a cold converted warehouse with her pit bull, Grunt. She wears leg-warmers to conserve body heat and her clothes consist mainly of ripped sweatshirts that barely hang on her shoulders. In her free time, Alex practices dance routines in front of her dog or comically mimes beside traffic cops on busy Pittsburgh thoroughfares.

The sinking economy isn't the only thing jeopardizing Alex's job at the steel mill. Her young, handsome steel mill boss recently spotted her dancing onstage at a seedy local bar, jeopardizing her career unless she can romance him.

Thousands of Pittsburgh area welder/dancers used the recent break from football to audition at the city's dance conservatory. Since few welder/dancers have formal dance training and even less are accepted at the prestigious school, many will be forced to work nights at Zanzibar - a well-known gentlemen's club.

Although Alex seems discouraged, a conservatory teacher recently encouraged her to follow her dreams. The teacher also said the Steelers should cover the seven point spread on Sunday.

After the Super Bowl, thousands of Pittsburgh area welder/dancers will re-audition at the dance  conservatory. If all goes well for Alex, her handsome steel mill boss will greet her outside the audition with a dozen roses.

Classics of Literature That Would Be Profoundly Different If Written By Bad Spellers.

• "All Quit on the Western Front"
  
• "All the Petty Horses"
• "As I Lay Tying"
• "Atlas Hugged"
• "Scratch-22"
• "The Diary of Dan Frank"
• "The Secret Life of Trees"
• "Their Eyes Were Watching Dog"
• "Uncle Tim's Cabin"
• "White Tang"
• "Malden"
• "War and Peas"

Practical Haikus

Ordering a Pizza for Delivery

By Grant Miller, Poet

Look at the menu

Before you call them or else

I'll get all apeshit

Buying Car Insurance

By Grant Miller, Poet

I dunno. I've used

The same insurance guy for

like 20 years now.

Vacuuming

By Grant Miller, Poet

Make the lines real straight

That's all that matters - straight lines

Leave shoes by the door

When Should My Daughter Begin Dating?

By Grant Miller, Poet

Really, It Depends

Is she ready for that yet?

30 or so works.

U.S. Postal Service To Cut Jobs.

The United States Postal Service may cut services due to tough times and decreased demand. Here are some of the changes customers can expect:

• Letter carriers will wear shorter shorts.
• One out of three letters sent will be lost.
  
• Postal clerks will be 10 percent surlier.
• Postmen will now only ring once.
• Fewer employees will be allowed to read your mail, scan your lingerie catalogs or hold your mail indefinitely at their home.
• Customers will need an extra 2-cent stamp when mailing anthrax.

Dick Clark is a Criminal.

For years, Dick Clark has been an American icon. Television shows like "American Bandstand" and his New Year's Eve events have made him a wealthy and powerful Hollywood player.

But Clark's boyish looks and charm hide a dark side. Where did his enormous wealth come from? Who paid for those lavish parties in Times Square? How did a kid from the Bronx grow-up to become one of the most powerful figures in entertainment?

He did it by swindling honest, hard-working Americans through a complex, decades-long pyramid scheme.

The scheme actually was very simple - invite a potential clients to his flashy television studio under the guise they could walk away with $10,000 or more.

Once there, Clark paired the clients with one of his celebrity cronies who would interview the clients with progressively more complicated questions. If they couldn't come up with the correct answers, they walked away without a dime.

Only about half of Clark's clients received any money. They were the winners in this scheme. But they rarely received the full $10,000 or even $100,000 they hoped for. Many settled for less just to escape Clark's web.

Losers typically got nothing more than a year's supply of Chunky candy bars, a Kitchen-Aid blender and a board game based on Clark's criminal syndicate.

Private individuals were not the only target of Clark's pyramid scheme. Many Hollywood celebrities, often on behalf of charities, were caught in his web. William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, Loretta Swit, Nipsey Russell and Betty White are believed to have lost thousands in Clark's scheme.

Clark even went after children - hosting a junior pyramid scheme on promises his young clients could win $2,500.

Where was the SEC in all of this? It's unclear, but Clark's criminal scheme dates back to 1973 and even appeared regularly on daytime television - brazenly daring regulators to go after him. Unfortunately, they never did.

Today, Clark's scheme has stretched around the world with nearly identical versions appearing in the U.K, Canada, Russia, Chile - even Estonia. Fearful of possible investigations into his financial dealings, Clark turned over leadership of his criminal enterprise in 1981 to John Davidson. Donny Osmond is believed to be the current leader of Clark's enterprise.

Next time Dick Clark says "So Long," let's hope it's from a prison cell.

How To Be an Online Spy and Use it for Sales Success!

People do business with people they like and trust. But in a fast-paced business world where first impressions count for everything, it can be difficult to build repartee with a new client. Here are a few ways you can use the Internet to spy on prospective clients and build your sales portfolio:

• Before spying on prospective clients, be sure to grow a pencil-thin moustache to mask your identity.
  
• When speaking with prospective clients, feign a foreign accent, preferably of Eastern European origin.
• Always carry a mini-camera.
• Trick prospective clients into doing business by blackmailing them with sex, murder and intrigue.
• If you don't already, begin smoking.
• Invest in a dark trench coat and matching fedora and always drive a black European sedan.
• Never share your last name with prospective clients and refer to yourself only as "The Romanian."
• Never use the phone or Internet with prospective clients and insist on meeting them in parking garages during non-business hours.
• Schedule business meetings in public areas and then don't arrive. Call the understandably upset prospective client and tell him you can see him, describing what he is wearing and how he arrived. Alert him the man wearing the gabardine suit two tables behind him actually is a business competitor, placing him in grave danger. Calmly talk the prospective client out of the crowded restaurant or train station. 
• Wear a monocle.
• Insist on being paid in cash, diamonds or favors to be repaid at a future date.
• When you first meet a prospective client, casually place your fingers on your belt, carefully revealing your firearm. Also, be sure to shine a bright light on their face, making it difficult for them to see you.
• Draft business proposals using words cut from magazines or newspapers.

Kane County Blogger Reveals Weird Dream.

So here's another really weird dream I had last night that I'm totally not making up.

My mother and I were engineers on an extremely short Amtrak train - it was only one car and there was no one else on the train. As we went along the rails, I could see my father standing on the tracks in the distance in front of a huge tunnel.

I tried to hit the breaks, but my mom grabbed my hand and forced me to accelerate. I could see as the train ran over him and we burst through the tunnel. Then I forced the train in reverse and backed over him and out of the tunnel. We did this several times before an incredible sense of tranquility came over me.

Finally, we went through the tunnel and my mom handed me a giant cigar. We walked back to the dining car where I popped open a champagne bottle. She took out a giant cucumber and began chopping it over and over and over again. Then she asked me to put on my sister's clothes and forced me into a giant oven.

Who knows what it means, but it sure was weird!

Tips for Keeping Warm This Winter.

As the mercury dips, it's not always easy to stay warm and keep heating costs low. Here are a few tips to stay cozy when it's cold outside:

• Take A Warm Bath. The water is steamy hot and the bubbles are relaxing my tense muscles after a hard day. The vanilla scented candles are intoxicating, casting a mysterious light where anything can happen in the shadows. The scented oils are warming nearby, ready to knead into your tender skin.
• Keep the Curtains Closed. I've drawn the curtains, no one can see us now. No one to interrupt us in the throes of our passion, generating a steamy heat that cannot be matched by even the hottest of fires. Our bodies become one in our steely embrace as the world passes by just beyond our drawn curtains.
• Use the Fireplace. I'm laying on the plush bearskin rug before you as the raging hearth fire warms us. My back arched, eyes closed awaiting your touch to set me free. Come closer, I need your touch now.
• Use an Electric Blanket. Beneath these covers we are one, we are inseparable. We feel the heights of delight as our bodies explore every curve and every pore. The air beneath the covers becomes thick with sweat, with lust, with anticipation of the next erotic peak of our romance.
• Change the Furnace Filter. Okay, there's really nothing sexy about this but it's still quite important. A dirty filter makes your furnace work harder and costs you more money.
• Fill in the Gaps. That's right baby, we've got to work every one of those gaps and make sure they are filled. Even the smallest gap can send a chill up your spine. Let me fill it - it could take hours, it might take just a minute. We will never know until we try. But don't be surprised if it just takes a minute or so.

"Valkyrie" (2008).

Director: Paul Brickman

Writer: Paul Brickman

Genre: Comedy, Coming-Of Age

Tagline: Col. Claus von Stauffenberg had all the normal teenage fantasies - cars, girls, Nazi uniforms. Then his parents left for a week and all his fantasies came true!

Plot Summary: A suburban Chicago teenager's parents leave on vacation and he cuts loose. An unauthorized trip in his father's Porsche, a meeting with a high-priced call girl (Rebecca De Mornay), and his ongoing attempts to kill Adolph Hitler culminate in a classic scene when Col. von Stauffenberg, played by Tom Cruise, lip syncs to his favorite Wagner opera in his parents living room wearing nothing but his lederhosen! With the help of his commanding Nazi officers (Bronson Pinochot, Curtis Armstrong),  Col. von Stauffenberg devises a risky plan to start an expensive escort service from his house while his parents are away. Along the way, Cruise's character learns about the real world and himself.

CORRECTION!

In three previous posts, Grant Miller Media mistakenly published forged letters from President Bush to President Obama. Grant Miller Media regrets the errors.

Here is a copy of the actual letter obtained by Grant Miller Media:

"Barack,

It's been a crazy four years man! We've had some wild times. We've had some fun times. But most of all we've had the times of our life! This year was awesome and it's only going to get better! I'm really glad I got to know you this year! Have a kick ass summer! See you around!

- I'm signing this in everybody's yearbook because it's awesome -

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road

Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go.

So make the best of this test and don't ask why

It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time.

It's something unpredictable but in the end it's right

I hope you had the time of your life!

So take the photographs and still frames in your mind

Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time

Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial

For what it's worth IT WAS WORTH ALL THE WHILE!!!!

 

It's something unpredictable but in the end it's right

I hope you had the time of your life!

                                                          -Billie Joe Armstrong

Class of 2009 FOREVER!

W"

CORRECTION!

Grant Miller Media on Wednesday mistakenly published two forged private letters from President Bush to President Obama. Grant Miller Media regrets the errors.

Here is a copy of the actual letter obtained by Grant Miller Media:

"O-Dawg,

"Hey bro, whatcha doin spring break 2009? Gotta start plannin' these thangs, bro! Im gettin  tix to Cabo offa Orbitz today. Hit me up if ya want in!

Sincerely,

W"

Practical Haikus.

Shaving

By Grant Miller, Poet

Use a new razor.

Dip it in hot water first.

It feels better then.

Choosing a Deodorant

By Grant Miller, Poet

Anti-perspirant.

It's the best way to go, dude.

Like Axe or something.

Toothpaste (Slight Return)

By Grant Miller, Poet

You motherfuckers

Who do not like Crest Toothpaste

Can get bent. Crest rules.

Doing Laundry

By Grant Miller

Separate whites, darks

Why are you so racist, jerk?

Not people, clothes.

An Open Letter to President Obama.

Dear President Obama,

Bruce Springsteen's song "Born to Run" should be the new national anthem. Make it happen.

I know there are other critical issues facing the country, but none are more pressing than making "Born to Run" the official national anthem. Once that happens, everything will fall into place. Trust me.

If you're as smart as people say, you'll agree "Born to Run" is the perfect song to lead the country out of its malaise. You'll even wonder why no one has thought of it sooner.

I'll tell you why - no one is as smart as me.

"Born to Run" is an anthem. It's a rock anthem. It's the rock anthem. Rock anthems begin and end with "Born to Run." Anyone who disagrees is unpatriotic.

Not only is it an anthem - it's also as American as baseball and apple pie. Actually, it's more American. "Born to Run" is so American it turns apple pie into lady fingers. And only pussies eat lady fingers. Americans aren't pussies and the Boss is totally American. Anyone who disagrees is a terrorist.

"Born to Run" makes it sound fun to be an American, damn fun. People from other countries will hear it and wish they were American. We'll be the envy of the world.

Not that there's nothing wrong with "The Star Spangled Banner." Except it sucks and it's no fun and it's not "Born to Run." Francis Scott Key can suck it.

Imagine "Born to Run" playing at the Olympic medal ceremony, blaring over stadium loudspeakers telling the world "We just kicked your Dutch ass, motherfucker." Fucking Dutch people.

"Born to Run" touches upon the wanderlust that makes the United States great. Everything about it -  every note, every lyric - romanticizes what it means to be American. The production mimics Phil Spector's "Wall of Sound." The thin guitar line has elements of surf and country. And the Big Man plays the sax - an instrument tied to American jazz. Would you say no to the Big Man? Of course not. Because only criminals and deviants says no to the Big Man.

Come on, man. It's The Boss for Crissakes.

Sincerely,

Grant Miller, Esq.

CORRECTION!

It has come to my attention the private letter from President Bush to President Obama highlighted in the previous post was a forgery.

Here is a copy of the actual letter Bush left for Obama in the Oval Office. Grant Miller Media regrets the error.

"Dear Silky Slim,

165 pounds, clean lift bench press in the WH gym. All-time record set by yours truly. Beat it, flyboy.

2 legit 2 quit

W" 

President Bush's Letter to President Obama.

Continuing a tradition that began with President Reagan, President Bush left a private letter for President Obama in the Oval Office on Tuesday afternoon. Similar letters from presidents Reagan, Bush Sr. and Clinton have offered advice, congratulations and words of wisdom for incoming presidents.

Here is a copy of the Bush letter obtained by Grant Miller Media:

"Dear President Obama,

Party. My place. Friday. Be there.

Ask your old lady and then come on down. Should be wild.

L8r,

W"

Question.

What will happen to me if I mark future e-mails from Barack Obama as spam?

Yes We Can.

When I watched President Reagan's inauguration in 1981, I asked my mother if someone like me could ever become president.

"I don't think so, Grant. This country just isn't ready," she answered.

Although disappointed, I quickly learned she was right.

My mother was a single, working woman with two kids. We attended public school. Although we were not poor, we weren't wealthy. She scrimped and saved, eventually putting both my sister and I through college.

But during the 1980s at Hawthorne Elementary in Elmhurst, Illinois, I was an outcast. There were maybe a few boys in the entire school like me. I learned at an early age that Illinois is a deeply divided state.

Gradually, people like me made advances - electing local and state leaders who, like me, believed we would one day reach the promised land. We had our own heros, our own songs. Our own rituals. Our own neighborhoods.

We never thought one of us could become president. National leaders from Illinois were like Reagan or Hillary Clinton or Paul Simon - politicians who would never understand the suffering people like me have seen.

But 2005 was a historic year for people like me. Years of drought finally ended and Illinois voters overwhelmingly backed a skinny South Sider with a funny name to the U.S. Senate. Finally, a national figure from Illinois I could identify with, someone with similar experiences, heartbreaks and pains. Someone who understood the fear people like me feel in certain Chicago neighborhoods.

Today, when my own kids ask if someone like us could become president, I will proudly point to President Obama - the first White Sox Fan-American to reside at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue - and say Yes We Can.

The New Presidential Limo.

Shortly after he's sworn in, President Obama will ride to the White House in a new Cadillac Presidential Limousine. Here are the specs on the car Secret Service agents call "The Beast:"

• 8-inch thick armour. But it's more like 4 inches no matter what the Secret Service says. Trust me. I've seen it.
• Tear-gas cannons.
• Kevlar reinforced tires.
• Laser beams.
• An engine strong enough to make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.
• The ability to transform into robot mode with a chest cavity containing the Autobot Matrix of Leadership.
• Teleportation.
• Four cup holders.
• A voice synthesizer allowing the car to speak via computer AI.
• Undercoating and interior Scotch guard.
• A 10-year, 100,000 mile warranty.
• A bunch of cool shit.
• 22-inch chrome rims.
• A CB.
• A fuzz buster.
• A full hydraulics system.
• AM/FM radio and tape deck.
• A full-service espresso bar.

Thank You, Mr. President.

Dear President Bush,

As you prepare to leave office, many in the media are taking the opportunity to attack you.

They use ad hominem attacks, inconsistent logic and claim your presidency was a disaster. When pressed, they cannot or will not site even one accomplishment during your eight years in office. This is unfair and untrue.

Granted, there were a few mistakes - Abu Ghraib and the failure to find WMDs in Iraq come to mind. Also, one cannot forget the dismissal of U.S. attorneys for strictly political reasons. And you could mention torture and Guantanamo Bay. Those just go hand in hand.

But aside from those fleeting controversies, your presidency was one of great stature and efficiency. Unless you consider the Valerie Plame fiasco. Not that I am, but some may. Those same people probably would note your administration's disregard for the Geneva Conventions. That's the kind of people they are. They're not stand-up, regular guys like Jeff Gannon or Brownie.

Your presidency should be remembered for what it did right - like the recovery and relief efforts following Hurricane Omar. No one ever remembers Hurricane Omar - granted, it only grazed Puerto Rico causing minimal damage - but without your administration's swift response we will never know the devastation it might have caused. All they ever talk about is Hurricane Katrina - the one hurricane where the federal response was not so swift.

American corporations certainly benefited from your real-world business acumen. Especially those directly connected to the White House like Halliburton, KBR, Fox News and the wiretapping industry.

Unfortunately, your business world magic didn't always work - Enron comes to mind. And, if you want to nitpick, you could view the 2008 worldwide economic collapse - the worst of its kind since the 1930s - as a disappointment. I wouldn't but some may.

But most importantly, you've kept America safe. With one exception, of course. One day out of how many? My point, exactly. No one mentions the 2,219 other days when there wasn't a catastrophic attack on major American cities. They just dwell on the one day there was. Did they really expect your administration to keep America safe every single day? That's simply unrealistic.

But what I'm most thankful for is your administration's brave decision to enact a "do not call" list. For decades, Americans were terrorized by telemarketers who brazenly called at all hours selling their goods and services. I distinctly remember my beloved grandmother hanging up on one of those scam artists because he called at 7:30 - at NIGHT!

Unfortunately, my grandmother didn't live long enough to see the "do not call" list become a reality. Growing up in the early 20th Century, she probably never thought it would happen. Even now, I'm amazed at how far we've come. To know my own children will never live in a world where telemarketers can call at any hour brings a tear to my eye.

And for that I thank you.

Sincerely,

Grant Miller, Esq.

An Open Letter to My Friends in Chicago.

Dear Friends in Chicago,

It's tough to imagine but just three days ago I was in Illinois suffering the bone-chilling, sub-zero temperatures along with you. Though I write you from a palatial, desert resort in Arizona, you are always in my thoughts...

...Like yesterday afternoon, as I sucked down a frozen margarita while lounging poolside, the icy mango drink burning the back of my throat, reminding me of the pain you feel simply stepping outside to brave the harsh arctic weather...

...Or this morning, as I opened our patio doors to view the sun rise over a nearby, desert mountain. A brief chill enveloping me, forcing me to tighten the belt on my plush, complimentary robe much the same way you might grip your parka as the biting north wind freezes your tear ducts...

...Like last night as I slept only to awaken from the chill of our overworked air conditioner cooling our suite to a chilly 65 degrees and forcing me to bundle myself deeply beneath the fluffy, warm comforter... 

No matter what extravagant luxury I enjoy this vacation, I will never forget the frozen, arctic tundra I call home. You are forever in my prayers.

Sincerely,

Grant Miller, Esq.

Everything You Need To Know About Me In One Post.

We'd just arrived in Tucson. Krista pointed out the window.

"Look kids. Cactus. You don't see that in Illinois," she said.

"Actually, my aunt Pam had a little cactus on her windowsill in the kitchen. It had googly eyes. I remember cuz I knocked it over once and she got real upset. But she put it back and nothing ever happened."

Neither Krista nor the kids acknowledged my statement. They continued looking out the window at the passing landscape.

"And, I'm pretty sure our dentist has a cactus in the waiting room. Or maybe it's our doctor. One or the other. Either way, proof you do see cactus in Illinois."

Krista turned to me and spoke under her breath "You're an asshole."

"I know," I whispered back.

Can You Read? Take This Test to Find Out!

Did you know one in seven American adults cannot read? Illiteracy is a growing problem in the United States where low-skilled people struggle to find jobs. But how can you be sure of your literacy? Grant Miller Media provides this test to help determine your reading abilities.

Directions: Discreetly read the following sentences aloud in front of a group of people so they can judge your reading ability. Don't let the others know you're reading, instead make them believe you're simply making conversation. Be sure to speak loudly and clearly. Ideally, the group should consist of co-workers, business associates or romantic interests.

If you can read all the sentences, you're totally literate! Ready? Here it goes! Good luck!

Sentence One: "I can't read."

Sentence Two: "No. Seriously, I'm totally illiterate."

Sentence Three: "Uh...Uh...Words...words...words....Uh..."

Sentence Four: "I'm a big, fat dummy head."

Sentence Five: "Sometimes when no one is around, I pick my nose and eat it."

Sentence Six: "I've been sleeping with the boss for two years."

Sentence Seven: "This big - teeny, teeny tiny. Yep. It's true, ladies."

Sentence Eight: "Not only am illiterate, but I'm also allergic to wheat gluten. I know that's off topic, but thought you should know."

Sentence Nine: "I find Grant Miller very, very attractive."

Sentence Ten: "I haven't been sober at work in at least a month."

There you go! Did you do it? If so, your co-workers and bosses must be very impressed! Good job!

Attention Tucson Bloggers!

Hey Tucson bloggers!

I'm in Arizona this week presenting my patented, results-oriented motivational program to members of the American Society of Future Motivational Speakers of America.

The program is called "Grant Miller Media's Patented, Results-Oriented Motivational Program: Getting the Most Out of YOU - The Motivation of Innovation and Ovation!" Appearance fees typically start at $5,000 unless you're from like a trendy charity.

So, let me know if you're nearby and maybe I'll wave outside my hotel window or something.

Sincerely,

Grant Miller, Esq.

Practical Haikus.

Directions from My House to O'Hare.

By Grant Miller, Poet

Take North Avenue

To the Tri-State Tollway North

Exit 190

Setting the Alarm Clock.

By Grant Miller, Poet

Flick switch up one notch

The second notch is alarm

First is radio

Shopping for Toothpaste.

By Grant Miller, Poet

Crest kicks ass big time

Colgate is for big pussies

Cavity Creeps rule

Parallel Parking.

By Grant Miller, Esq.

You're real bad at it.

Here. Get out. Let me do it.

I am the master.

Today's Dullest Press Releases.

As found on PR Newswire:

1. "Vistec, CEA/Leti and D2S Join Forces on E-beam Direct Write Solutions for the 45-32 nm Nodes."
2. "Private Money Available."
3. "America's Best Parents Wanted to House and Guide Teens in Need on New TV Show: Local No-Nonsense Moms and Dads Encouraged to Apply Immediately!"
4. "Casting Teens Who Want a Break From Their Parents for New TV Show: Local Adventurous Teenagers Encouraged to Apply Immediately!"
5. "Paper Plays Role in Presidential History."
6. "To Dispel Clouds of Corruption Over Local Government PR Firm Says Public Officials Should Attend 'Ethics' College or Maybe 'Ethics Rehab.'"
7. "Lava-Lite Shapes History With President Elect-Obama Lava Lamp."
8. "Bunny Ranch Asks for Government Bailout for Nevada's Oldest Profession."
9. "NEWSWEEK COVER: What Would Dick Do?"
10. "King Nut Issues Peanut Butter Recall" 

An Open Letter to Maria Sharapova.

Dear Maria Sharapova,

As you already know, the Australian Open begins on Monday and tournament organizers have unfairly asked female players to avoid skimpy outfits on the court. This is a clear violation of your civil rights and must not stand.

I urge you to ignore their request and follow your conscience and dress as you'd like. Their request is unreasonable, ambiguous and completely subjective to tournament official's whims. Here's what one said about the request: "(Players) should be dressed in what we say is tennis attire." Emphasis added.

Who are they to say what is tennis attire? You're the tennis player, not them. Therefore, anything you chose to wear automatically is tennis attire. If that should be a micro-micro-miniskirt, so be it. That is your choice, your prerogative. Or perhaps a tight-fitting tank-top that allows for greater freedom of movement, whatever works for you. You are your own person and I will support your decision.

Organizers threatened to fine players they deem underdressed. In times like these, I am reminded of Henry David Thoreau's essay, "Civil Disobedience." There he argues it is our duty to violate unjust laws, that we must not blindly respect laws, but honor what is right above all.

That is why I urge you to dress as you'd like for this tournament, even if it is a skimpy dress that clearly violates the tournament protocol. This tyranny must not stand.

Sincerely,

Grant Miller, Esq.

Barack Obama's Biggest Economic Challenge.

President-elect Barack Obama will be sworn in next week with a full-plate of economic problems facing him. A deep recession, limp credit markets and rising unemployment will be his chief concerns.

But few have discussed his greatest challenge - getting everybody working for the weekend again.

Since 1981, the number of Americans working for the weekend has dropped nearly 65 percent. When President Reagan was elected, everybody was working for the weekend. Today, only 35 percent remain employed for the weekend.

Economists blame the decline on the massive demand for jobs in weekend-related industries. At one point, everybody was working for the weekend. But foreign competition in Europe, China and India made it impossible for North American workers to maintain that level.

Two other factors have caused this decline. In 1994, President Clinton signed limits on the number of hours employees could work for the weekend. The 20-hours per week limit opened the door for companies to hire cheap labor from Mexico where workers typically do not work for the weekend. 

Additionally, the remaining Americans who worked for the weekend unionized and went off the deep end, demanding a little bit of romance.

The question now is will the Obama administration provide everybody with a second chance?

As expected, President Obama will be more receptive to everybody than his predecessor. Negotiations between everybody and President Bush turned sour when he asked if everybody wanted a piece of his heart and whether they wanted to be in the show. He also asked everybody to start from the start and to come on and let go.

But expectations for President-elect Obama may be unrealistically high - everyone is looking to see if it was him and they want him to come through. But they're also hoping it will all work out.

So, President-elect Obama, everyone's waiting. They're holding out.  

An Inspirational Message From Grant Miller Media.

Sometimes I still think Rachel Ray is a terrorist.

An Inspirational Message From Grant Miller Media.

People who are lactose intolerant are racists.

The Most and Least Common Search Words Used to Find Grant Miller Media.

The Most Common:

1. who's gay in hollywood
2. oprah's favorite things 2008
3. milton berle penis
4. samantha brown nude
5. lame knock knock jokes
6. new year's eve performers
7. tattoo phrases
8. grant miller
9. scat blogspot
10. 2009 catchphrases

The Least Common

1. "to suck my toes"
2. meth cook books
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5. how to love scat
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7. "stomach bloated" fart
8. nothing says sorry about giving you herpes like roses
9. this is how i know your a douche
10. marathon stopping you pooping in your pants

In Defense of Illinois Politics.

A month has passed since recordings of Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich allegedly selling Barack Obama's Senate seat were made public. In that time, Blagojevich has rightfully become a political pariah and the butt of late night jokes and blog slurs.

But too often, these attacks go beyond the governor's scandal and paint Illinois as a cesspool of corruption and nepotism. Sure, four of the last eight Illinois governors have been indicted, but that doesn't mean Illinois suffers from a corruption culture.

If anything, Illinois is an example of clean politics. Thanks to our obsessively vigilant whistle-blowers, undercover agents and political do-gooders, Illinois politicians are cleanest in the nation - maybe even the world. 

Last month, an FBI agent in Chicago - a beacon of transparent politics - told reporters Illinois might be the most corrupt state in the nation.

But this is just modesty from the FBI. It's not that Illinois politicians are corrupt - it's just the FBI here is really  good at getting them to take bribes, extort money from contractors and offer sweetheart deals to their family and friends.

It's no secret that Chicago's FBI office is the finest in the country. Other FBI offices are lazy and incompetent and don't care if local politicians are corrupt. The Chicago bureau is notorious for hording wiretaps and bribe money - at the expense of unchecked corruption in other cities and states. Except Louisiana, which like Illinois, has highly trained FBI officers who share an extreme hatred for even the slightest hint of corruption.

Corruption is far more rampant in other states and cities. But you'd never know because its accepted by the citizenry and investigators are too drunk and lazy to care. Kickbacks, unholy alliances and patronage are the price of doing business everywhere else.

I'm not saying all politicians are corrupt - just the one's who aren't from Illinois. And New Jersey. And Louisiana, obviously. And Las Vegas. These are places with exemplary investigators who routinely nab dirty politicians before they can do any real damage.

In Illinois, it's not who you know or where you grew up or the color of your skin that lands you fat government contracts. It's the quality of your work, your dedication and your abhorrence of corruption.

The Chicago suburb of Cicero shouldn't be known for its longtime connection to organized crime and corruption. If anything it should be applauded for its ongoing battle to rid government of mobsters and cronies.

Legendary Chicago columnist Mike Royko once wrote the city's unofficial motto is "Where's mine" as in where's my payoff. But a more appropriate motto would be "We don't want nobody who might possibly try to corrupt our innocent and pure politicians."

Obama Wants to Delay DTV Switch.

President-elect Obama said he would support delaying the DTV transition from its Feb. 17 deadline. Here's a look at Obama's reasons for the delay:

• The transition could disrupt his regular viewing of "Bromance."
• He still has to get his old TV back from an ex-roommate.
• Wants to save his Madden owner mode before the transition.
• He's way too busy blogging.

More Celebrity Nominations in the Obama Administration?

Following reports CNN correspondent Sanjay Gupta could be President-elect Obama's surgeon general, other noted celebrities have popped up as potential nominations within the administration. Here's a look at some of the names being considered:

• Judge Wapner for the Supreme Court.
• Rusty the Bailiff for FBI Chief.
• Bob Vila for Secretary of Housing and Urban Development.
• John Rambo for Secretary of Veterans Affairs.
• Ben Matlock for Attorney General.
• Susan Dey for White House Very Special Counsel.

And Now, a Moment With Andy Roooney.

I don't know how many of you read the Sunday paper anymore. I still do. And I'm always amazed at how many ads there are.

If you read a newspaper, chances are you read it for the stories. But advertisers always find a way of sneaking their product right below your nose.

Here's one for a free furnace. I don't need a new furnace. The one we have works just fine. But I'd hate turn one away for free. 

I guess if you're going to get a free furnace, January is the time to do it. Probably can't give them away in July, not even for free. At least not in New York.

Here's another ad for women's shoes. I don't normally look at ads for women's shoes, but I couldn't help but notice the woman in this ad is holding the shoes, not wearing them.

The least you can do if you're selling women's shoes is to show a woman wearing them. Somehow I don't think this ad was made with someone like me in mind.

I don't mind ads in the newspaper. Without them, newspapers would go out of business and that would put a lot of good people out of a job.

My first job was as a newspaper reporter, Stars and Stripes during World War II. Here's a picture of me interviewing Gen. Dwight David Eisenhower. He was a great commander and became president after the war.

We need more men like him. Men who aren't afraid to stir things up every once in awhile for the good of the country.

Although I didn't know him well, I'll bet he never bought a pair of women's shoes.

Bush Protects Unique Areas Across The Pacific.

President Bush on Tuesday established three new protected areas in the Pacific. Here's a look at the protected areas and why they were chosen:

• The Mariana Trench National Monument near Guam Bush said the area needs to be protected because "it's just like this big fucking pit which is fucking insane." Bush noted the trench - the deepest in the world - contains aquatic life that is "totally freaky. Like the bar scene from 'Star Wars' or something." Bush explained the area probably has sharks.
• The Pacific Remote Islands Marine National Monument Bush agreed to protect this site after learning "there's some kick ass surfing there. I totally want to get into surfing after I leave here. Looks so cool and fun." He also noted the remote islands "probably have some of those babes that go around with coconuts on their tits." Bush also stressed the area probably has sharks.
• The Rose Atoll Marine National Monument Bush said protecting this site was important because "it's where they filmed 'Jaws.'" When corrected, Bush responded "That's bullshit." He also noted "the area still probably has some awesome sharks."

Surgeon General Gupta?

CNN health correspondent Sanjay Gupta reportedly may be appointed surgeon general in the Obama Administration. Here's a look at other candidates for the post:

• Marcus Welby, MD.
• Trapper John, M.D.
• Hawkeye Pierce, MD.
• Cliff Huxtable
• Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman
• Clooney
• Dr. Derek Shepherd
• Major Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan
• Quincy
• Ed Begley Jr.
• A mysterious, unnamed Native American shaman who offered Obama peyote while stranded in the desert during the 2008 primaries.
• Dr. Dre
• Dr. J.

Practical Haikus.

Installing a Ceiling Fan

By Grant Miller, Poet

Turn off power first

Use electrician's pliers

Assemble the fan

Going Green at Home

By Grant Miller, Poet

Change old bulbs to new

Lower thermostat when gone

Recycle some stuff

Should I Use Premium Gasoline For My Car?

By Grant Miller, Poet

Depends on the car

Refer to the manual

Lots of info there

Any hot stock tips?

By Grant Miller, Poet

Dow up one point now

Apple has few debts, big cash

Always nice to know

Grant Miller Media Agrees to "Purify the Internet."

The Chinese government this week announced it will step-up its ban of online pornographic material.

A spokesman for China's State Council Information Office said the government will expose and punish web sites violating the country's pornography ban. 

"Immediate action is needed to purify the Internet environment," the spokesman said.

Grant Miller Media applauds this measure and offers its assistance in tracking, monitoring and observing sites containing Chinese pornography. In its report, Chinese officials also noted sites like Google offer several links to pornographic sites. Grant Miller Media confirmed this report.

Most of the sites tracked by Grant Miller Media contain images of attractive Chinese women in unspeakable acts with other attractive Chinese women. Others sites discovered by Grant Miller Media show attractive Chinese women wrestling one another.

Grant Miller Media also offers its assistance punishing these sites. Specifically, Grant Miller Media will punish the attractive Chinese models who appear on these sites. This is the sort of filth that has no space on the Internet.

Twice today, Grant Miller Media observed such sites. A third may be checked later, depending on how Grant Miller Media feels.

As part of its constant effort to observe and find Chinese pornographic sites, Grant Miller Media also will monitor pornographic sites for nations bordering China. Specifically, pornographic sites from South Korea, Japan and Sweden.

An Open Letter to iTunes.

Dear iTunes,

On Jan. 5, I browsed the iTunes store looking for new music to download. Unfortunately, I was unable to find even a genre listing for the style of music I prefer - Precious Metal.

I am disappointed with iTunes because I wanted to download several soft - yet hard - Precious Metal ballads for my iPod. Without a sub-genre listing for Precious Metal, searching for the exact type of ballad proved impossible.

Although you may be unfamiliar with the term Precious Metal, you're probably familiar with its sound.

Precious Metal is recognizable for intros using 12-string Ovation guitars. Ideally, the guitar is black with a rose, a car or a babe painted (by hand) onto the wood. It should be played by a long-haired, blonde dude sitting on an empty crate or amplifier wearing  a cut-off jean jacket and smoking a cigarette. Although the guitarist often will wear black Ray-Ban sunglasses, it is not required. He should wear one or more bandannas.

The song should be sung by a handsome lead singer with an extremely high voice. Near the middle there should be a guitar solo or a dueling guitar solo lasting no more than 12-bars. The bass line should be mellow and played buy a dude who is standing, not sitting.

The drums also should have glitter.

Songs may reference any or all of the following: roses, girls, tour buses, estranged relationships with one or both parents, dragons, witches, elves or elf-witches. Songs about cars also may contain Precious Metal influences.

To resolve the problem, please consider adding more sub-genres to those already listed under metal, including but not be limited to: Precious Metal, Doom Metal, Folk Metal, Power Metal, Christian Metal, Symphonic Metal, Viking Metal, Elf Metal and Viking-Elf Metal.

I look forward to your reply and resolution to my problem. I will wait until Jan. 30 before contacting a consumer protection agency or the Better Business Bureau. Please e-mail me if you have any further questions.

Sincerely,

Grant Miller, Esq.

For Further Clarification.

• Tiger Woods is the Tiger Woods of golf.
• Michael Jordan is the Michael Jordan of basketball.
• Babe Ruth is the Babe Ruth of baseball.
• Rolls-Royce is the Rolls-Royce of cars.
• The Rolling Stones are the Rolling Stones of rock music.
• Jimi Hendrix is the Jimi Hendrix of guitar.
• Pablo Picasso is the Pablo Picasso of visual art.
• Marlon Brando is the Marlon Brando of acting.
• Rolex is the Rolex of watches.
• Coca-Cola is the Coca-Cola of soft drinks.
• Wal-Mart is the Wal-Mart of discount stores.
• Warren Buffett is the Warren Buffett of investing.
• The New York Yankees are the New York Yankees of baseball.
• The Super Bowl is the Super Bowl of NFL football.

Best Catch Phrases For 2009

• Feelin' fine in 2009.
• Lookin' fine in 2009.
• Drinkin' beer from a stein in 2009.
• Readin' Gertrude Stein in 2009.
• Gettin' in line in 2009.
• Cuttin' lime in 2009.
• Tyin ' twine in 2009.
• Drinkin' wine in 2009.
• Drinkin' port wine in 2009.
• Drinkin' fine Rhine wine from a vine in 2009.
• Actin' like Kevin Kline in 2009.
• Watchin' highlights of Detroit Tigers great Al Kaline in 2009.
• Hangin' in the unemployment line in 2009.
• Droppin' mad rhymes like Shel Silverstein in 2009.
• Learnin' about the Maginot Line in 2009.
• Studyin' epistemology like Thomas Aquinas in 2009 us.
• Ridin' equine in 2009.
• Can't spare a dime in 2009.
• Crossin' the International Date Line in 2009.
• Cuttin' investments in decline in 2009.
• What words can't U define in 2009?
• Bendin' a fork tine in 2009.
• Makin' babies whine in 2009.
• Back-breakin' yo' spine in 2009.
• Usin' Old-Timey English for thine blog in 2009.