Do You Have What it Takes to Lead a Shadowy, Powerful Secret Society? Take the Grant Miller Media Quiz and Find Out!

Getting your foot in the door with any secret society can be tricky. But it can be downright impossible with a shadowy, powerful, all-knowing, multi-national, quasi-legal order. These highly secretive fraternal organizations are bombarded constantly with applications, new clients and promises of world domination. How can you set yourself apart from the other evil minions?

Take this Grant Miller Media quiz to see if you have what it takes to work for organizations that control everything from world financial markets to college basketball scores!

1. On weekends, you enjoy:

 a. Volunteering at a children's hospital.

 b. Visiting friends and family.

 c. Catching up on projects around the house.

 d. Using mystical powers and mind-control to manipulate the outcome of your children's little league games.

2. When paying bills:

 a. You always pay the full amount, on-time.

 b. You pay the minimum if you pay it at all.

 c. You scrimp and save and pay what you can.

 d. You use a complex series of blood rituals and Latin mantras to inflict pain upon your creditors.

3. What is your best quality/talent?

 a. Fairness.

 b. Problem solving.

 c. Dedication and loyalty.

 d. Alchemy.

4. Growing up, you wanted to:

 a. Attend college and land a good job.

 b. Help those less fortunate.

 c. Follow in your parents footsteps.

 d. Manipulate gold markets.

5. Complete this sentence: If I could change one thing about myself it would be:

 a. To not take on more than I should.

 b. To focus more on problems I can control.

 c. To relax and enjoy my work more.

 d. To create a one world government order to quash any and all dissension and free thought.

6. People describe you as:

 a. Overly emotional.

 b. Insensitive.

 c. Flaky.

 d. Evil and domineering.

7. When making decisions, you:

 a. Consult peers and mentors.

 b. Consider all sides.

 c. Follow your gut.

 d. Use goat entrails.

 

8. When asked a question, do you:

 a. Respond quickly and improvise.

 b. Hesitate, think things over and then answer.

 c. Defer to others.

 d. Levitate.

9. Do you prefer to work:

 a. Alone.

 b. In groups.

 c. Both.

 d. Wearing an ancient, hooded robe and listening to organ music.

10. Are you generally:

 a. Late - always running a few minutes behind.

 b. Punctual - always on time.

 c. Usually on time, with a few minor delays.

 d. Able to control the Earth's rotation to accommodate your schedule.

If you answered "d" to any of the questions you should consider a career in international secret societies.

Gmail Failure Upsets Users.

Google Mail - Gmail - went dark for several hours Tuesday morning leaving millions without e-mail access. Here's a brief listing of e-mail subjects you may have missed during the outage:

• "More Orggasms" from Disbrow Manier.
• "LOTTERY PROMO NOTIFICATIONS" from WINS!
• "Call me today! Generic cialis" from Gander.
• "Unzip your pants for some extra meat" from Brenton Dejesus.
• "Check Out Bling! Bling! Watches" from Omegas.
• "Don't let the male disabilities ruin your life" from Gina Salinas.
• "Christ god unhappy soft cialis enter her twat like a bull" from Humphrey.
• "URGENT BUSINESS...FOR YOUR POSITIVE CONSIDERATION PLEASE" from Hang Seng.
• "FROM AISHA MOHAMED" From Madam Aisha Mohamed.
• "(no subject)" from (unknown sender). 
• "請她在床上每次"from 矽矽.

Common Misconceptions.

Misconception: Winter weather can be predicted by studying animal fur.

Fact: This method is only affective when studying Robin Williams.

Misconception: Skin is the largest organ in the human body.

Fact: This is true for all humans except Ed Begley Jr.

Misconception: A black belt in martial arts denotes mastery.

Fact: Ninjas are badass.

Misconception: Playing Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" and the movie "The Wizard of Oz" simultaneously reveals unexpected coincidences.

Fact: Owning Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" and "The Wizard of Oz" means you're a gay stoner.

Misconception: The Platypus is the only egg-laying mammal.

Fact: The Platypus is super freaky looking.

Misconception: Paganism is an umbrella term that refers to many monotheistic and polytheistic religions.

Fact: Druids were cool.

Misconception: President Lincoln had secretary named Kennedy and President Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln.

Fact: Both thought Mary Todd was apeshit.

Misconception: Toilet waste is dumped while airplanes are in flight.

Fact: The waste is held in a tank until landing and then served onto plates for following flights.

Misconception: The personalities of the dwarf characters in "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" represent the seven stages of cocaine addiction.

Fact: The drug in question is whippits.

How to Make President Obama Sound Less Presidential

It's easy to make President Obama sound less confident and eloquent by adding just two words to the end of anything he says. Here are some examples - feel free to make your own at home. The added words are in bold italics:

From his speech Tuesday before Congress:

"I do not accept a future where the jobs and industries of tomorrow take root beyond our borders - and I know you don't either. It's time for America to lead again or something."

"I can stand here tonight and say without exception or equivocation that the United States of America does not torture, I think."

"So let there be no doubt: healthcare reform cannot wait, it must not wait and it will not wait another year, I guess."

"This time, CEOs won't be able to use taxpayer money to pad their paychecks or buy fancy drapes or disappear on a private jet. Those days are over or whatever."

"We will rebuild, we will recover and the United States of America will emerge stronger than before, etc. etc."

"The concern is that if we do not re-start lending in this country, our recovery will be choked off before it even begins, as if."

"Given these realities, everyone in this chamber - Democrats and Republicans - will have to sacrifice some worthy priorities for which there are no dollars. And that includes me, so chill."

"The third challenge we must address is the urgent need to expand the promise of education in America, you know?"

What Are You Sacrificing for Lent?

Lent begins today and lasts through Easter. It is customary for Christians to make sacrifices during Lent to reconnect with God. Here's a look at the most common things people are going without this year:

• Jobs.
• Full salaries.
• Healthcare.
• Cash.
• Credit.
• Vacations.
• Sleep.
• Happiness.
  
• Dinner.
• Things that cost money.
• Half their stock portfolios and retirement savings.
• Name brands.
• Shelter.

California May Legalize Pot to Fix Budget.

California residents may get to smoke marijuana legally if legislation proposed Monday is passed. The bill, proposed by San Francisco Democrat Tom Ammiano, would tax sale of the drug and apply to adults 21 and older.

Grant Miller Media obtained the following transcript of Ammiano's statehouse speech:

"Um. Um. Um...Yeah.

Shit. Yeah.

I say we make this legal or something. Like tax it and collect the taxes and use the taxes to pay for schools and roads and bridges and the San Andreas Fault and to get a football team back in Los Angeles.

I mean, isn't it strange L.A. is this huge city. I mean, it's probably bigger than  New York in terms of, like, square footage. Not like I've measured, but it just looks like it. I mean. Not in square footage. In square mileage. Square mileage. Yeah. Is that even a word? It sounds strange - mileage - but yeah. Square mileage.

Okay. Yeah. What was I trying to say. Oh. Football. Seriously, why doesn't L.A. have a football team? I mean, I mean, I mean Carolina has a football team, why not L.A.? Carolina. Pfft. Which Carolina is it? Did you ever see Barry Sanders play? That dude was INSANE he was so good. Oh wait, he didn't play for Carolina. He was, he was ... on the Lions?

So, seriously, if you read this bill. I mean really, really read it, you'll see there is some good stuff in there. It's not, it's not like what you think. It's not like just some other bill. This one is great, I mean really, really good.

Shit, is there a bailiff in here. Oh. My. God. I wasn't even thinking of that. Damnit. Okay, okay, okay. Cool. Cool. Cool. Everybody just act cool, 'k?

Okay. So let's just vote on this and, uh, uh, we'll like go to that burrito place - the one with the old Pac Man game. Love that place."

Sneak Peak at the New G.I. Joe Movie!

"G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra" is slated to be one of this summer's Hollywood blockbusters. Here's what G.I. Joe fans can expect when the movie hits theaters in August:

• G.I. Joe will loose much of his hair after a giant dunks him underwater forcing him to swim.
• G.I. Joe's weapons are quickly lost, never to be found again.
• The giant soon undresses every character to reveal their sexless, genderless bodies.
• The characters have difficulty standing unless the giant holds them in place or they're propped against a tank or Jeep.
• The giant forbids the characters to speak for themselves and instead talks for them, imitating their voices and shaking them slightly as if they are speaking.
• The giant grants the characters the ability to fly, but only when he holds them aloft and makes jet sounds. 
• The giant kidnaps another character, Barbie, from his sister and takes her to the G.I. Joe compound. He then forces Barbie to strip and become G.I. Joe's girlfriend.
• Their romance is revealed when Bionic Man spots the couple mashing their faces together.
• The giant regularly chews on G.I. Joe's Kung Fu Grip hands. Although he never draws blood, several bite marks are visible in G.I. Joe's hands.
• In a fit of rage or boredom, the giant gruesomely decapitates Barbie as G.I. Joe, Bionic Man and He-Man watch in silent horror. The giant throws Barbie's skull at his sister, causing her to fly into a rage.
• The giants argue and bicker about who kidnapped Barbie, providing ample distraction for G.I. Joe to escape in Barbie's Hot Tub Party Bus. Stunned at what he's seen, G.I. Joe is paralyzed by fear and cannot escape.
• The movie ends with the characters being thrown into a box under the giant's bed, never to see the light of day again until the giant is older and in graduating from high school.

Practical Haikus.

Defrosting Your Mini Fridge.

By Grant Miller, Poet.

Mini fridges rock.

Like for beer and pop and stuff.

Just defrost it, dude.

Changing your whole house water filter.

By Grant Miller, Poet.

Turn off the water.

Get a bucket. It's real gross.

Let your wife do it.

Refinishing Hardwood Floors.

By Grant Miller, Poet.

Don't do this yourself.

You'll screw it up real, real bad.

You hungry? I am.

Writing an effective letter to the editor.

By Grant Miller, Poet.

Don't bother, really.

I was a reporter and

Nobody liked those.

Grant Miller Media on Twitter!

Just so you know - Grant Miller Media will be Twittering live from the red carpet outside tonight's Academy Awards ceremony! 

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"Wall E" and the Future of Robosexual Film in Hollywood.

When "Brokeback Mountain" received multiple Oscar nominations in 2005, it opened a needed and thoughtful national discussion on how Hollywood depicts homosexuality.

The relationship between the two main characters, brilliantly played by Heath Ledger and Jake Glyennhaal, was a study in quiet emotion. Neither were allowed to openly acknowledge the deep, passionate love they felt for the other.

The film, set in the 1960s, showed how far America has ventured since, but also displayed how many of the same stigmas and taboos remain. The fact Ang Lee's brilliant camera work was awarded an Oscar while losing to "Crash" for best picture was as surprising as disappointing.

"Wall E" is a similarly controversial film for its depiction of robotic romance. Like "Brokeback," "Wall E" is up for multiple Oscars on Sunday.

But will its taboo subject matter - the love between two robots - scare academy voters?

Critics will argue the film broke no new ground in the depiction of robot love. Others will say America simply isn't ready to address the topic of robots loving robots. If so, that says less about the movie and more about our culture.

Of course, Hollywood has broached the subject of romance between robots before, but always as a subplot or in unspoken terms.

The relationship between C-3P0 and R2-D2 comes to mind, but they were secondary characters in the "Star Wars" films. And their relationship never went beyond mild beeps and blips - code words in robot culture.

"Wall E" presents robot love boldly and unapologetically in ways George Lucas never could. A scene in the original "Star Wars" involving C-3PO, R2-D2 and an oil can was cut by studio executives fearing it went too far. The deleted scene later became a rallying cry for robot pride.

There's also an entire sub-genre of robosexual film that has long gone unnoticed by mainstream Hollywood. "Wall E's" Oscar nominations and box office success shows an eager audience for robosexual film exists.

Even the Christian Right - the primary critics of robosexual depictions in film - were surprisingly quiet when "Wall E" was released last year. Could this be a sign that American attitudes about robosexuality are softening?

Like "Brokeback," "Wall E" may not win best picture. But it has clearly opened the door to future robosexual filmmakers everywhere.

Rejected Titles to James Brown's "I Got You (I Feel Good)."

• "I Got You (I Feel Okay)"
• "I Had a Slight Cough (I'm Feeling Better, Thanks for Asking)
• "I Got Food Poisoning (I Feel Queasy)"
• "I Got High (I Feel Stoned as Fuck)"
• "I Got You (But I Feel I've Not Been Totally Honest With You and Have Overstated My Goodness)"
• "I Got You (Mind if I Cop a Feel?)"

Have You Been Shot by a Sniper? Take the Grant Miller Media Quiz and Find Out!

Millions of people are shot by snipers each day, but many never know what hit them. If you suspect a sniper has shot you or simply want to know more about what to expect, take this quiz to learn more:

1. Are you bleeding?

a. Yes, I think I've been shot.

b. No.

2. Do you feel an unbearable amount of pain in your head or chest, the likes of which may kill you?

a. Yes, I think I've been shot.

b. No.

3. Are things moving in slow motion as adrenaline courses through your body, allowing your vital organs to continue however briefly?

a. Yes, I think I've been shot.

b. No.

4. Have you been the target of snipers before?

a. Yes.

b. No.

5. Are you able to look down and see your own body laying in a pool of blood as you are overcome by a feeling of incredible warmth and calm and the welcoming arms of loved ones who passed years before?

a. Yes, I think I've been shot.

b. No.

If you answered "A" to any of the questions, you may have been shot by a sniper and should seek medical care immediately. 

Bumper Stickers You Never See.

• Veterinarians do it with sick animals!
• Psychopaths do it with dead people!
• Teachers do it with students!
• Miners do it with black lung!
• Bottle Makers do it with glass!
• Loners very rarely do it!
• Meth addicts do it all night long and the next day and night and the day after that, too!
• Mosaic artists do it with tile!
• Spies do it with cunning and guile!
• Priests do it with mass!
• Nuns do it!
• People who needlessly waste energy do it with the lights on!
• Lawyers do it, heretofore known as "The Act," for $450 per hour. 

Transcripts of British, French Sub Collision.

A catastrophe was nearly avoided recently when French and British nuclear submarines collided in the Atlantic. Although no one was injured in the accident, it is the first post-Cold War collision of two nuclear submarines.

Here's a look at transcripts of radio communication between the vessels obtained by Grant Miller Media:

British Sub: Blimey! Wha' was that? I nearly spillt me tea all ova me scones!

French Sub: A hoh hoh hoh!

British Sub: 'ey. Di' you 'ear that? It sounded like somebody 'avin' a laugh! 'Avin' a laugh at me spillt tea and scones, do ya?

French Sub: A hoh hoh hoh!

British Sub: See? There it is again. I 'eard it wit me own ears, I tell ya. We musta been 'it or collided wit somefink!

French Sub: A hoh hoh hoh! Savoire faire is everywhere! A hoh hoh hoh hoh!

British Sub: 'ey mate, wha' you doin? You 'it me submarine! You can't do that! Tryin' to take the piss outta me sub, aye?

French Sub: A hoh hoh hoh! Stupide limey!

British Sub: Oh? Cheeky are ya? All righty, Nancy. Why don' ya come over 'ere ya bloody frog and try that? Then we'll 'ave a proper barney!

French Sub: A hoh hoh hoh! You fight with Jacques Cousteau? Non Non. I don't think so, stupide. A hoh hoh hoh!

British Sub: Bullocks! I'm bloody 'acked off now!

French Sub: A hoh hoh hoh!

Fact.

Nancy Grace loves when kids get kidnapped.

Can You Believe These Eggheads?

Seriously? Did you hear about this? Scientists. Studying kissing. What will they think of next, huh?

You know what, scientists can take all their Harvard degrees and Bunsen burners and beakers and they still wouldn't know a thing about kissing. Not one thing.

That's because kissing is way more than just science, babe. Way more.

It's a soft pair of lips. So lush and full. Soft to the touch, a taste that can barely be described. Mouth slightly open. Tongues entwined, hands everywhere. It's the start of something that can't be contained. Or studied.

But hey, what do I know, right? I'm a married guy. It's not like I'm out there kissing every woman I see.

I mean, Annette, she's great. She really is. She's gone for the weekend, so I've got the place all to myself, but yeah, she's really great. But it's going to be hard to be away from her for the whole weekend. With no chance of her showing up or anything.

So back to these scientists and their kissing. Have you ever kissed a scientist? Yeah, me neither. I've played doctor a few times, but never kissed a scientist.

I thought you'd like that one.

You've got a great laugh. Anyone ever tell you that? You really do. Such a nice smile and those lips. I'm sure they know a thing or two about kissing, don't they?

So when was your first kiss? Yeah? What was it like. Did he even know what he was doing? Yeah, that's how most guys are.

I've never been like that though. Kind of always had a sixth sense to know the type of kiss every woman needs. I've always had it. Don't know why, but I always have. Guess I'm lucky. I'm gifted in that sense. Or at least that's what I'm told.

Well, hey, I'm gonna run inside for a little bit. I gotta take care of some things while Annette is gone and I'm here alone. You're more than welcome to come in if you want. Make yourself at home or whatever.

Oh you will? Great. I could use the company. This is such a big house and I get bored when no one is here. Did you ever see the movie "Reds?" Great film, I think you'd like it...

U.K. Economy May Recover Slowly.

The British economy may be in worse shape than first thought according to a report by the Confederation of British Industry. The study stated unemployment may approach 10 percent by year's end and the economy could shrink 4.5 percent.

Here's a look at the British sectors in greatest trouble:

• Toothbrush distribution.
• Floss manufacturing.
• Toothpaste retail.
• Colour telly production.
• Lift operation.
• Petrol centres ownership.
• Cinema operation.
• Loo repair.
• Flat management.
• The humour of Russell Brand.

The CBI advised speeding up economic recovery for comedic purposes and adding a wacky soundtrack to encourage women to take off their shirts. The report was cut short when a giant foot came down from the sky and crushed it.

Lincoln Manuscript Sells in Record Auction

A hand-written draft of President Lincoln's Gettysburg address sold for $3.4 million last week in New York. The speech shows several revisions Lincoln made before giving the historic speech. Here's a copy obtained by Grant Miller Media: 

Click for a closer look

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Random Songs on My iPod.

1. "Twin Cinema" New Pornographers.
2. "Gigantic" Pixies.
3. "Human Wheels" John Mellencamp.
4. "Blam!!" Swell Maps.
5. "Corona" Minutemen.
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Correction.

A previous post titled "Judge Dredd Drops Bid for Commerce Secretary" was in error.

The post should have stated Judd Gregg (pictured) was President Obama's choice for commerce secretary, not Judge Dredd. Gregg is a Republican Senator from New Hampshire. Judge Dredd is a futuristic cop who fights crime in a violent city.

Grant Miller Media regrets the error.

Judge Dredd Drops Bid for Commerce Secretary.

Judge Dredd, the futuristic cop who patrols a violent city, abruptly withdrew Thursday as nominee for commerce secretary saying he "was the law" in the Obama administration.

Judge Dredd's departure leaves Obama's cabinet without a Dirty Harry-style tough cop willing to take the law into his own hands to protect American interests at home and abroad and administer instant justice.

"I am the law, as everybody knows," Judge Dredd shouted during a news conference Thursday at the Capitol. "Put down your weapons and prepare to be judged."

"I was convicted of a crime, wrongly," Judge Dredd added.

Judge Dredd said he alerted the Obama administration "several days ago" and also noted there was a maniac loose in the city. Dredd said it was difficult to enforce Obama policies that would ultimately force him to judge his brother, Rico.

Judge Dredd accompanied President Obama to a news conference last week and Beltway insiders believed he was preparing for his confirmation hearings. Instead, Judge Dredd was huddled with his niece, Vienna, desperately looking to escape from the violent city.

Dredd also disagreed with Obama's plan to clone super-criminals to take over the world.

When asked if he would take another position within the Obama administration, Dredd simply shook his head and re-stated his desire to return to the streets and fight crime.

He then road into the sunset on a huge motorcycle.

Dynasty in the Making?

For years, Sussex Spaniel fans repeated the mantra "Wait until next year." For them, next year is finally here.

Behind the strong play and expert grooming of star spaniel "Stump," the breed won a claw-biter in the final moments of Tuesday's Westminster Kennel Club dog show. With 35 seconds remaining, Stump drove left - juking a standard poodle and paving the way for the breed's first "Best in Show" title ever.

Few imagined the Fightin' Spaniels could end years of futility and finally win the big one. For decades, the breed was a perennial doormat of the dog show circuit - known more for battles with mange and incessant barking than championship-caliber gait.

But as the confetti fell from the Garden ceiling Tuesday and Spaniel fans rushed the floor, decades of heartache and loss came to an end, The Curse of the Cocker Spaniel finally lifted.

Despite the victory, questions remain.

Will Stump come back or follow in the pawprints of previous winners and retire gracefully? Can the Spaniels even afford his new 20 million beef snack salary? Why should the Spaniels over-spend for an aging dog show superstar when the treats could be better spent on young, adorable wuttle puppies?

After winning it all, will Stump have the fire in the belly to keep the Spaniels competitive? Given his injury history, it would appear unlikely.

Stump is quickly approaching 70 and already spent all 2005  on the DL. Even last week, there were doubts Stump would be healthy enough to compete. He did and the rest is dog show history. But his age remains an issue.

Additionally, pure-bred dogs like Stump typically suffer more career-ending injuries than non-purebreds. Why should he risk it?

Which is sad news for Sussex fans - the dynasty is over before it even began.

Top-Rated Swedish Television Programs.

1. "Real Housewives of Järfällä!"
2. "CSI: Mørbylånga!"
3. "Last Call with Carson Daly!"
4. "Two and a Half Herring!"
5. "My Name is Ülaf!"
6. "Reindeer Whisperer!"
7. "Are You Smarter Than a Reindeer?!"
8. "Sweden's Bleakest Home Videos!"
9. "According to Jens!"
10. "IKEA!"
11. "Beauty and the Slightly Less Beautiful Person!"
12. "Salmon or No Salmon?!"
13. "Who Wants to Be a Kröniare?!
14. "Friday Night Darkness!"
15. "The New Adventures of Old Norse!"

Practical Haikus.

Driving in Snow

By Grant Miller, Poet

Jesus. What the fuck?

It's not that hard, morons.

Get off the road, punk.

Using a Library Card

By Grant Miller, Poet

All you need is a

Driver's license or something.

They never check, dude.

Selling Your House in a Down Market.

By Grant Miller, Poet

Use bleach and lime to

Cover the smell of the dead

Hitchhiker in shed.

Selling Your House in a Down Market.

By Grant Miller, Poet

Set out some flowers

And watch like HGTV.

People love that shit.

Little Known Facts About Abraham Lincoln.

• Once dated Madonna.
• Invented the moist towelette.
• Owned a t-shirt that read "Beard rides 2 cents."
• Was named after Lincoln, Nebraska.
• Plagiarized most of the Gettysburg Address from a Foreigner song.
• Won re-election on a campaign promise to git-r-done.
• Liked to show off his executive branch, if you know what I mean.
• Never saw a dime from Lincoln Logs.
• Always hated the theater.
• Couldn't whistle.
• Was into leather.
• Won the D.C.-area Chili Cook Off in 1863.
• Couldn't do a single push-up. Not one.
• Sold handmade turquoise jewelry on weekends.

Lame Jokes.

• New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez admitted on Monday that he used steroids from 2001 until 2003. To his credit, however, A-Rod never used performance enhancing drugs in October.
• Former Ebay CEO Meg Whitman said she will run for California governor in 2010. She's already seeking campaign donations via PayPal, credit cards, or upon election.
• The FBI raided a Georgia peanut butter factory suspected of spreading salmonella nationwide. The main suspect in the case remains at large and is described as a very tall peanut wearing a top hat and monocle and carrying a cane. He may be accompanied by grape jelly. 
• Bar Refaeli is the new cover model for Sports Illustrated's annual Swimsuit issue. There's really not a joke here. I just wanted a reason to post a picture of the front cover.

Pot vs. Testicular Cancer.

A new study claims smoking marijuana may lead to testicular cancer. The study surveyed 1,200 men and found those that regularly smoked pot were more likely to develop the disease.

Researchers note the study is incomplete and other possible causes should be considered. They include:

• A Frito-rich diet.
• Long-term exposure to Blue Oyster Cult.
• A family history of hacky sack.
• An aversion to getting up and doing things.
• Repeated viewings of "The Grand Illusion."
• Increased use of the phrase "huh?"
• Exposure to Bob Marley flag filtered sunlight.
• Contact with ferrets.  

Fact.

In the future, all human interaction and communication will take place via the "25 Random Things About Me" meme.

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9. what was don mcclean into?
10. who has betty davis' eyes

Random Songs on My iPod.

1. You've Got Your Head on Backwards" Young Fresh Fellows.
2. "John Wayne Was a Nazi" MDC.
3. "Rehab" Amy Winehouse.
4. "We Dance" Cat Power.
5. "We Don't Need Freedom" Saccharine Trust.
6. "Put Some Sugar On It" Half Japanese.
7. "Three Little Birds" Bob Marley and the Wailers.
8. "Sheena is a Punk Rocker" Ramones.
9. "Billy Two" The Clean.
10. "Far Behind" Social Distortion.
11. "Tropical Hot Dog Night" Captain Beefheart.
12. "Collection of Stamps" I'm From Barcelona.
13. "Smart Patrol/Mr. DNA" Devo.
14. "City Monster" Pell Mell.
15. "Les Yper-Sound" Stereolab.

Two-Thirds of Hispanic Women Discover Breast Cancer Themselves.

A new study finds a majority of Hispanic women in the U.S. discover breast cancer through self exams instead of mammography screening.

Grant Miller Media applauds the vigilant efforts of Hispanic women to detect breast cancer. The first line of defense against cancer is early detection.

I'm a longtime critic of cancer - having lost family to this horrific disease I know the pain it causes. I've donated my time and money to organizations that aim to eliminate cancer, save lives and diminish suffering.

So you can imagine my concern learning so many Hispanic women in the U.S. choose to screen themselves for breast cancer. This shouldn't happen in the world's richest and greatest nation.

I hope to reverse this trend by offering breast cancer screening services to Hispanic women in the U.S. No one should suffer through that uncertainty alone, especially women like Selma Hayek or Shakira. Or Penelope Cruz.

Of course, my exam should not replace regular mammographies nor should my opinions on the health of the soft, supple breast be considered medical advice. My exams are for purely exploratory purposes.

Some may consider my offer too experimental in its approach. Perhaps, but at what price can we ignore breast cancer among attractive Hispanic women, women like Cameron Diaz and the hot newsanchor on Telemundo? Would these same people suggest we continue to let attractive Hispanic women perform complicated self-examinations alone? Women like Eve Mendes or Eva Longoria.

I should hope not.

Oh. And Rosario Dawson, too. She should definitely get checked out.

Etta James Vs. Sasha Fierce.

Singer Etta James is upset Beyonce sang "At Last" - a song she made famous in 1961 - at President Obama's inauguration last month. Beyonce played a character based on Etta James in 2008's "Cadillac Records" and has added the song to her repertoire ever since.

Here's what James told an audience in Seattle this week:

"You guys know your bepopdebepopdolouloulou President, right? You know the one with the mymemymemymymymeebepopopopopop big ears? He ain't my president; he might be yours. But I todotodotodotodlooloolooloo tell you that woman he had singing for him, singing my seesawseeesawseesawsss-sssss-sss-song - she's going to get her ass whu-whu-whu-whuppped"

"New in Town" isn't the Masterpiece You'd Expect.

If you're anything like me, you went into the new Renee Zellweger movie, "New in Town," with high expectations.

On paper, it appeared to be clear Oscar material. The real question is whether it would transcend award season and become an instant classic, a cultural touchstone that would forever shape how films were viewed and made. Think "Pulp Fiction," "Blade Runner," "Raging Bull," or even "Citizen Kane."

This is the standard I set going into the movie this week. Sadly, I'm here to say it falls short.

I know what you're thinking - how could a movie starring Ms. Zellweger as a big city girl trying to make it in a rural, industrial town fail? How could the powerful onscreen chemistry between her and co-star Harry Connick Jr. go wrong? His talent and acting range appeared so limitless in 1998s "Hope Floats."

Of course, you're wondering if the complex, Brechtian screenplay limited first time director Jonas Elmer's abilities. Or maybe you're curious if the plot - with its obvious Samuel Beckett influence - left audiences with too many questions about the characters and our own existence.

These are questions I asked myself leaving the theater that day. Was Elmer's use of every romantic comedy cliche a post-modern satire of contemporary mores the likes of which the world has not seen since Derrida? Possibly.

Or did Elmer's employment of Midwestern stereotypes hark back to his own upbringing in rural Germany? Was the entire film really just a damning criticism of Keynesian economics and an underhanded endorsement of dialectal materialism?

Perhaps this is a film that makes viewers think more than feel, that never aimed to entertain but instead choose to criticize our entire belief system as only true art can.

Or maybe it just really sucked.

"Life is Short, Filled With Stuff."

Lux Interior

1946 - 2009

I love The Cramps. I always have. Here's the proof:

• The very first band I played in covered a Cramps song - "Human Fly." It was our only song and we couldn't even play it. We broke up after one practice.
• In college, I formed a Cramps cover band called "Jason Buhrmester's a Wuss." Jason was a co-worker, college classmate and DJ at the university radio station. He was a nice guy and we had nothing against him, but thought the name was funny. He ended up writing for Playboy and Spin. Meanwhile, my cover band never practiced. We mostly sat around and talked about how awesome it would be to be in a Cramps cover band.
• My wife and I met on Oct. 29, 1995. Our first conversation was about our mutual reverence of The Cramps. I knew then she would become my wife.
• Despite our love of The Cramps, we'd never seen them perform live. The Cramps played on Mother's Day 2003 in Chicago. Krista was six months pregnant with our youngest daughter and got stares from everyone at the show. The Cramps, as expected, kicked much ass.

Facebook to Sell User Data.

Social networking site Facebook announced last week it will begin selling user data for marketing purposes to corporations and advertisers.

The move is a response to declining ad revenue and increased data storage costs. Here's a look at some of the user information Facebook plans to sell:

• 25 specific things about you.
• Whom you've SuperPoked and why.
• Which Disney princess you are.
• Which celebrity you look like.
• Which "Twilight" character you are.
• Which super villain you are.
• Which Harry Potter character you are.
• Your knowledge of 1980s John Hughes movies.
  
• The names and e-mails of every friend you don't actually know. 
  
• The member list of your Billy Joel fan club.
• Your pieces of flair.
• Your Scrabble Beta ranking.
• Pictures of your dog.  

And Now, a Moment With Andy Rooney.

I don't know how many people watched the Super Bowl last night. I didn't, but I know a lot of people did.

It used to be that only football fans would watch the Super Bowl. Of course, it wasn't always called the Super Bowl. It was just the championship. But once you get enough corporate sponsors and halftime acts, I suppose you can't just call it the championship.

I don't know if the word "Super" makes it that much more exciting. Frankly, I liked it better when it was the "Championship Game." Something about it made it sound more important than the Super Bowl. A "Super" bowl just sounds like a college game to me.

I like football. I consider myself a football fan. It's a great game and it always has been. But why does it take a Super Bowl to get so many people to watch the game?

The commercials aren't really any better despite what the ad men say. The TV networks can charge more for a Super Bowl, so advertisers feel they have to make flashier commercials. But that doesn't always mean more people will buy their product. I don't think anyone has ever switched his toothpaste because of a Super Bowl commercial.

There were two good teams playing in the Super Bowl this year. The Pittsburgh Steelers and the Arizona Cardinals. Good teams, but not great teams. There's no Johnny Unitas or Gale Sayers on either of them. Did you know Gale Sayers is maybe the greatest player to ever play football and even he didn't get to play in a Super Bowl.

Doesn't sound so super to me. 

Consumer Confidence at a Record Low.

The consumer confidence index fell to 37.7 last month - the lowest level since 1967. Here's a comparison between the 1967 index and now:

1967: Consumers felt less groovy and more mellow than in previous economic downturns. Most invested heavily in Moby Grape records and freak flags.

Now: Consumers lack the confidence to even speak to the pretty girl at their work. If consumers just weren't so damn shy maybe they wouldn't be so lonely.

1967: Consumers comforted themselves with bed-ins, couch-ins, chair-ins, sit-ins, stand-ins, walk-ins, jog-ins, run-ins, cartwheel-ins, out-ins and in-ins.

Now: Consumers comfort themselves with grain alcohol and bathtub potato beer.

1967: Consumer lives were narrated by an older, wiser Fred Savage who could look back at his youth with an equal sense of skepticism and wonder.

Now: Fred Savage can't even get a job narrating consumer lives.

1967: Consumer confidence dragged after consumers boarded a crowded bus, sat in the back and stared blankly into the distance as a Simon and Garfunkel song played on the radio.

Now: Consumers demanded their money back after seeing "Last Chance Harvey."

1967: Consumers put their confidence in the youthful, energetic and handsome President Johnson.

Now: Consumers placed all their hopes, dreams, desires and beliefs in one man - Paul Blart.

The Real Super Bowl Winner.

The real winner of Super Bowl XLIII - Brenda Warner's Stylist.