Are You Being Attacked by a Raccoon? Take the Grant Miller Media Quiz and Find Out!

Every year, millions of hardworking Americans are attacked by rabid raccoons. The physical damage caused by a blood-thirsty raccoon can be astronomical and the mental anguish can last a lifetime.

If you suspect you are being attacked by a raccoon or just want to know more about the furry creatures, take this Grant Miller Media quiz:

1. In the office, you're known as the:

a. "The Go-Getter."

b. "The Slow Poke"

c. "The Gossip"

d. "The Person Being Attacked by a Rabid Raccoon."

2. When you go to a party or social gathering you:

a. Make a loud entrance so everyone notices you.

b. Make a quiet entrance and look for someone you know.

c. Make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed.

d. Are immediately attacked by a pack of angry raccoons.

3. Which of these describes your house?

a. Coordinated and well-organized.

b. Simple yet sophisticated.

c. Messy - just how I like it.

d. A densely wooded area with plenty of places to burrow for winter.

4. You regret not getting that:

a. Promotion.

b. Perfect romance.

c. Sports car

d. Raccoon out from under your porch.

5. Which makes the best comparison: LIVED is to DEVIL as 6323 is to:

a. 2336.

b. 6232.

c. 3236.

d. Ahhhhhh! There's a raccoon on my face!!!!!!

6. Your co-workers should:

a. Relax a little, they're too serious.

b. Do their share!

c. Leave me alone and stay out of my business.

d. Call 911 or animal control.

7. Be honest. How's your job performance?

a. I'm one of the best.

b. I'm doing pretty well.

c. I've hit a slump, but I'm coming back.

d. Could be better, but I've been bitten several times by a raccoon.

8. A co-worker messes up. You:

a. Show him how to improve.

b. Tell him it's not that bad.

c. Fix his mistakes.

d. Let him know it could be worse - he could be trapped in a cage with a hungry raccoon.

9. You'd rather be described as:

a. Realistic.

b. Imaginative.

c. Thorough.

d. Someone regularly attacked by raccoons.

10. You're at a meeting with conflicting co-workers and no solution in sight, you suggest:

a. Continuing until a final solution is clear.

b. Looking for a temporary solution.

c. Taking a break.

d. Caging the wild raccoon that lives in the break room.

If you answered "d" to any of these questions, you may be under attack from a raccoon.

Grant Miller Media FAQ.

1. How can I receive free resources from Grant Miller Media?

Grant Miller Media is a non-profit corporation with branches, ministries, prison outreach programs, children's fat camps, reading rooms and time share properties throughout North America and Europe. It survives on the generous donations from its members.

2. How do I contact Grant Miller Media?

You may submit billing inquiries, resumes, 8X11 glamour shots and other correspondence by clicking here for e-mail. Grant Miller Media reserves the right to edit, revise, destroy, light on fire, forward to your friends and family, submit as his own work and embellish any and all correspondence. Grant Miller Media also is available on Facebook and Twitter.

3. Are there any special editions of Grant Miller Media in development?

Grant Miller Media is completing production on its first Broadway musical, a 30-minute infomercial and its own line of lawn-care products. Grant Miller Media products already available include "Grant Miller Media for the Classroom," "Grant Miller Media Praises America Through Song," "Madea Goes to Grant Miller Media."

4. Is it true that Grant Miller was briefly married to Sienna Miller?

The two never married.

5. Where can I find out more about the class action lawsuit against Grant Miller Media?

Due to ongoing litigation, I am not allowed to comment. However, Grant Miller Media never intended for those children's toys to spontaneously combust.

6. Why can't I see Grant Miller Media?

Because you are blindfolded.

7. Is Grant Miller Media for me?

Before reading Grant Miller Media, consult your doctor.

8. I heard a rumor that Grant Miller was the model for the Gerber Baby. Is that true?

Yes. Yes it is.

9. I'm getting married soon, should I tell my fiance about my massive debt and criminal past?

No.

10. I've forgotten my password, what should I do?

Your password is tw33tyb1rd47.

11. When is Grant Miller Media updated?

Grant Miller Media is updated constantly throughout the day with breaking news important to Grant Miller Media and its readers. You should check back constantly or make Grant Miller Media your homepage.

12. Whenever I log into Grant Miller Media, I'm taken to different website with questionable adult content.

Too much information, dude. I don't need to know what you do to "relax."

13. Can I receive college credit for reading Grant Miller Media?

Many state and private colleges, technical and trade schools, culinary institutes and barber colleges work directly with Grant Miller Media. Contact your guidance counselor or dean to learn how you can earn college credits reading Grant Miller Media. 

The Most and Least Common Search Words Used to Find Grant Miller Media.

The Most Common:

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The Least Common:

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Obama Holds First Ever Online Town Hall Meeting.

President Obama held the first ever online town hall meeting at the White House on Thursday. Although more than 100,000 questions were submitted to the forum, the president only answered six. Here's a look at some of those President Obama skipped:

• "do u have a cam?"
• "ASL???"
• "wht u lookin 4?"
• "sexytara311 has sent you a text. do you accept?"
• "M or F?"
• "nebody hornee?"
• "Cam?"
• "wht u n2?"
• "u nude?"
• "can i call u?"
• "whts ur wife look like?"
• "would you like to earn more money?"

A Commentary from Grant Miller Media.

Although Grant Miller Media is a liberal conglomerate, our views on privacy, freedom of speech and the press run strictly libertarian.

The less government intrusion in these areas, the better. No government can tell Grant Miller Media what to say or write. And what Americans do behind closed doors is their business, not the government's. These are beliefs long held by Grant Miller Media.

But new laws proposed Alaska and Florida have forced Grant Miller Media to reconsider its views on government intrusion into America's bedroom.

Additionally, the proposals underscore Grant Miller Media's own silence on an issue that could literally tear our nation apart. Already, 30 other states have passed the very same laws Alaska and Florida are considering now.

Americans hold their privacy dearly - it's a foundation of democracy that personal freedom and privacy are an inalienable right. Grant Miller Media has long supported personal privacy and freedom.

But is there ever a circumstance where the government should go beyond it's role and enter into the personal lives of Americans? Typically, Grant Miller Media would oppose such a move.

But the proposed law in Alaska and Florida would ban bestiality - sex between humans and animals.

Grant Miller Media strongly supports this measure.

To eliminate any ambiguity, Grant Miller Media has always opposed sex with animals, bestiality or zoophilia. Grant Miller Media also is highly critical of zoophilic pornography.

While many in the blogosphere remain silent on the issue of humans having sex with animals, rest assured that Grant Miller Media will remain adverse to this repugnant idea.

Unfortunately, Grant Miller Media cannot speak for other blogs and one can only assume their silence is tacit approval of bestiality. 

You people are disgusting.

Study Finds New Type of TB Patient.

A California study recently found tuberculosis no longer is confined to poor or homeless patients and is spreading among populations previously considered low-risk. Here's a profile of the newer, more cutting edge TB patient hospitals are seeing:

• Typically lives in Brooklyn, New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, Austin, Chapel Hill, San Francisco or Portland
• Works at independent coffee shops, socially-conscious book stores, eco-friendly vinyl record boutiques.
• Has a diet rich in organic, locally grown, vegan, fair trade foods in eco-conscious containers.
• Believes The Decemberists have gone too mainstream.
• Has two dogs named "Belle" and "Sebastian."
• Wears Atari t-shirts and Converse All-Stars.
• Admires the work of Nell Carter for strictly ironic purposes.
• Has submitted articles to McSweeney's.
• Contracted the disease as a PoMo attempt to illustrate the irony of life.
• Has a messenger bag but is not a messenger.
• Has a poster of Charles Bronson.

Gmail Adds a Panic Button.

Gmail unveiled an application recently that gives users a 5-second window to change their mind before sending an e-mail. Gmail programmers said the feature should eliminate most accidental e-mail mistakes.

Gmail also is working on an apology form letter for users when an e-mail is sent to the wrong recipient. Here's a look at a draft of the form letter:

"Dear (Mom/Spouse/Co-Worker/Nigerian Prince/Boss/Mr. President)

A recent e-mail from me containing (pictures of my balls/my credit card numbers/a list of sexual exploits/my resignation letter/more pictures of my balls) was sent in error.

Please (disregard/do not open/do not read/immediately delete and do not show anyone/forget/let me know if you like) the e-mail.

(Sincerely,/Love,/Fuck You,/Let me know if you want more pictures,)

(Gmail User's Name)"

Hey Kids! It's Grant Miller Media's Kids Korner!

Hey kids! Have you ever wanted to be a druid? Do you like wearing robes and chanting to organ music? Do you enjoy drinking cherry Kool-Aid from a chalice?

Well have I a project for you - building your own Stonehenge with pillows!

Here's a list of what you'll need, but be sure to get your parent's permission first! And remember - don't do drugs!

Materials needed:

• 122 couch pillows, king size pillows, round accent pillows
• A clear view of the sun rising in the east and setting in the west
• Organ music
• Cloaks
• A chalice
• Red Kool-Aid
• A female to be "sacrificed"
• A package of Keebler Fudge Stripes cookies

What to do:

The first thing you'll need is an open area where you won't be bothered by non-believers, Christians or Romans. Once that's cleared, make sure there's enough space for a 20-foot wide circle of couch pillows and an unobstructed view of the sun.

Then gather your friends  or "serfs" to begin dragging the couch pillows into place. To liven the atmosphere, order them to chant as they work or play some organ music. This is a good opportunity to select a girl to be "sacrificed." Of course, she won't really be sacrificed, but be sure to chose someone pure heart as to not upset your blood-thirsty pagan gods.

Once the pillows are in place, lift them one by one according to ancient, mystical beliefs that the sun is the provider of life and its setting in the west symbolizes the cycle of every living thing. Once the pillows are set, allow your sacrifice to step forward and enter the circle as your friends watch from outside the sacred ring of imaginary stones. For extra appeal, ask your parents to set a fire in the middle and give your friends torches. 

At this point, you should "sacrifice" the girl on what the druids called the "Slaughter Stone." Be careful, however, to not actually sacrifice anyone! Once she's adequately "sacrificed" lift your gold chalice filled with Kool-Aid to the heavens and drink. Pass the chalice and a plate of cookies around for everyone to enjoy on a job well done!

New Spring Shows on CBS.

• "The Dentalist" Golden Globe nominee Simon Baker plays Peter Jaime, an independent consultant with the California Bureau of Investigation who has a remarkable track record for solving serious crimes with his winning smile and proper dental hygiene. He also makes frequent use of his dental abilities to determine whether a victim flossed daily and brushed after every meal.
• "The Fundamentalist" Golden Globe nominee Simon Baker plays Qadir Janan, an independent consultant with the California Bureau of Investigations. After a bitter divorce, the deeply devout Janan is forced to move in with Archie Kowalski, a lifelong bachelor and sports columnist with a penchant for drinking, women and playing cards late into the night. Along the way the two share some laughs and learn a lot about each other and the world.
• "The Gentilist" Golden Globe nominee Simon  Baker plays Paul Janet, a thoroughly white bread, mayonnaise-loving, Gap-wearing, NPR-Listening Anglo-Saxon Protestant and independent consultant with the California Bureau of Investigation who has a remarkable track record for solving New York Times crossword puzzles. He also makes frequent use of his goyishness to make the best BLT sandwiches in southern California.
• "The Lentilist" Golden Globe nominee Simon Baker plays Paxton Janice an independent bean-grower with the California Bureau of Investigations who has a remarkable track record for solving serious crimes by using his delicious Moroccan lentil soup. He also makes frequent use of his knowledge of legumes to determine who farted.
• "The Rentalist" Golden Globe nominee Simon Baker plays Paige Jamison,  a landlord and independent consultant with the California Bureau of Investigation who has a remarkable track record for solving crimes committed in his three-unit apartment building. He also makes frequent use of his abilities to collect security deposits and evict tenants to deter crime.
  
• "The Yentlist" Golden Globe nominee Simon Baker plays Paltiel Jael, a young girl who disguises as a boy so she can study Talmud for the California Bureau of Investigations. She uses her knowledge of Talmudic Law to capture criminals with show tunes.

Tips to Prevent Identity Theft.

• To confuse identity thieves, never use your real name on your blog.
• Security encrypted computers are a great investment, but you can make your own simply by wiping a DNA sample all over the monitor, if you know what I mean.
• Live a life so empty and worthless that not even an identity thief would want it.
• When in public, wear a fake moustache and sunglasses so no one will recognize you.
• If you suspect someone is an identity thief, give him a fake name. Here's how - your first pet's name + your mother's maiden name.
• Don't worry about identity thieves - the real thieves are those clowns in Washington - am I right???
• Shave all the hair on your body. Although this will not deter an identity thief, it will look super bad ass.
  
• Hack into a suspected identity thief's computer and download any financial or private information. Use his credit card accounts to purchase lavish gifts for yourself.
• Don't trust that "Free Credit Report" guy with anything. Especially, your heart.
• Ancient cultures used shells as a form of currency. Empty your bank accounts and invest in shells.
• If you would like more tips on how to prevent identity theft, e-mail me here. Be sure to include your name, address, social security number, bank account and routing numbers, blood type and your mother's maiden name and any revealing photos of yourself.

Random Songs. Random Explanations.

From the Facebook thingie that went around. Fifteen random songs with 15 explanations on why they're on my iPod:

1. "Icky Thump" The White Stripes. Jack White is one of the five best rock guitarists ever. The riff is real Zeppeliny, which is never a bad thing.
2. "Pale Blue Eyes" The Velvet Underground. I recently bought this record. I knew most of the songs, just never owned it. It's been in heavy rotation. Possibly the most mellow album I've ever heard. Great guitar solo on this one.
3. "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown" Jim Croce. The South Side of Chicago is the baddest part of town, especially if you're a Cubs fan. Go Sox!
4. "Like a Rolling Stone" Bob Dylan. I went through a huge Dylan phase a few years ago. I love him. Love his voice, even. He's great.
5. "Gardenia" Stephen Malkmus. The only song on my iPod that name drops Richard Avedon and Walter Lippmann.
6. "People Take Pictures of Each Other" The Kinks. This song came on my iPod the other day. It was nice. The cool thing is it was immediately followed by the Young Fresh Fellows cover version. My iPod is mysterious sometimes.
7. "Home of the Brave" Naked Raygun. In high school, all the cool punks wore Naked Raygun t-shirts. I wasn't a cool punk. I was petite and easily intimated and wore glasses. I really wanted a Naked Raygun t-shirt but feared a real punk - the kind with mohawks and leather jackets and spikes - would beat me down. So I stuck with cardigan sweaters instead.
8. "Buffalo Boots" Luna. Um. It's okay. Can't say I'm super familiar with this song.
9. "Eccentric Man" The Groundhogs. I own a couple of their records. They're heavy without being Sabbath.
10. "Where Do You Go To (My Lovely)" Peter Sarstedt. Works like a charm every time, gentlemen. Every time.
11. "Handsome Devil" The Smiths. I know the Smiths better than I know some members of my family.
12. "Why Are You Being So Reasonable Now?" Wedding Present. What is this guy saying?
13. "1,000,000 Kisses" Half Japanese. If I was in a band now I would insist on covering this song. And if anyone disagreed they would be kicked out of the band.
14. "Thunder Road" Bruce Springsteen. Why is it that Springsteen can veer from being a total corndog to the coolest mother fucker of all time? Makes me sick. Great song. Great album opener.
15. "Love is All Around Me" Crushed Butler. Do not listen to this unless you are fully prepared to rock like a motherfucker.

Are You Being Held Hostage? Take the Grant Miller Media Quiz and Find Out!

Every year thousands of Americans are abducted and held hostage. Most are held for ransom or left for dead, but a growing number of hostages aren't even aware they've been abducted. How can you tell? Take this Grant Miller Media quiz to see if you're being held hostage and learn more!

1. Are you blindfolded and unable to read this sentence?

a. No.

b. mnmmffffmmmmmmfffffsss.

2. Is one of your socks stuffed into your mouth and covered with duct tape?

a. No.

b. mmmmffffmmmfffffsss!

3. Are your arms tied behind your back?

a. No.

b. mmmmmffsssffssss!

4. Are you in the trunk of car in an airport parking garage?

a. No.

b. Mmmmfffsssssssmmffssss!

5. Complete this sentence: If I could improve one thing about my situation it would be:

a. To save more money.

b. mmmmmffffssffsfssffsmmmm!

6. Were you involved in a drug deal that's gone horribly awry?

a. No.

b. mmmmmmfffmmfmmmmmmsssmmss? Mmmfffssffs!

7. Are you suffering from a terrible headache and wondering what on Earth hit you?

a. No.

b. mmmmmmmmgffdfdhffff!

8. You've inherited a large sum of money. You:

a. Spend some, but save most of it for the future.

b. Mmnmmffmffm!

9. Are you discreetly wiggling you wrists, hoping to loosen the frayed rope that ties them together?

a. No.

b. Mmmmfffffmmfffffdsss!

10. Did you find this quiz helpful?

a. No.

b. mmmmafffffmmmmffffdd!

If you answered "B" to any of these questions you may be held hostage and should contact authorities immediately.

Top of the Charts: Dunkin' Donuts Munchkin Flavors.

This week's most popular Munchkin donut holes at Grant Miller Media headquarters are compiled between 8 a.m. Monday and 10 a.m. Friday from a variety of sources and merchants. Numbers in parentheses denotes a Munchkin's rank last week.

1. Glazed Cake (1)
2. Glazed Chocolate Cake (4)
3. Powdered Cake (3)
4. Cinnamon Cake (2)
5. Plain Cake (6)
6. Glazed Plain Cake (5)
7. Sugar Raised (7)
8. Jelly-Filled (8)

Data for the Grant Miller Media Top of the Charts Munchkin Flavors - which includes all flavors available at the St. Charles (Illinois) Dunkin' Donuts - are compiled by Nielsen Soundsnack. The chart includes not only Munchkins sold but those consumed or left over. Grant Miller Media Top of the Charts Munchkin Flavors is audited semi-annually by the firm of Deloitte Touche Tohmatsu. A copy of the most recent audit is available at most public libraries, institutions of higher learning, houses of worship or by filing a formal request. For more information or to file a formal request, please send a self-addressed , stamped envelope to FCIC P.O. Box 100, Pueblo, Colorado, 81009.

Twittering Celebrities A Real Tweet for Fans

As social networking sites become more prevalent, many celebrities are bypassing the Mainstream Media to reach fans directly with Twitter or Facebook updates. William Shatner, Shaquille O'Neal, Demi Moore and John McCain are just a few of the big names regularly updating online.

Thought to be a new phenomenon, a quick search of Internet archives shows stars have long enjoyed using social networking updates to connect with fans. Here's a brief look at some of the famous and infamous updates I found recently on Facebook and Twitter:

• "Amelia Earhart is looking for her map."
  
• "Abraham Lincoln will be @ Ford's Theater tonight in DC!"
• "Lawrence Oates is just going outside and may be some time."
• "Sonny Bono is hitting the slopes!"
• "Franz Ferdinand is going for a walk."
• "Buddy Holly is flying home from Iowa."
• "Jim Morrison is the Lizard King and can do anything."
• "Charles Barkley is going to drive around the corner and get a blow job."
• "Sylvia Plath is baking."
• "Budd Dwyer is preparing for a press conference."
• "James Brown doesn't feel so good."
• "Rod Blagojevich is fucking golden."
• "James Dean really shouldn't update his Facebook while driving."
• "Mark Foley is catching up w/ some friends online."
• "Paul Reubens is going to a movie."
• "Rod Stewart is having his stomach pumped."

Signs You May Suffer From March Madness.

• You have 64 multiple personalities.
• You have impure thoughts about Dick Vitale.
• You've been hospitalized for an acute case of the Gonzagas.
• The voices in your head are those of Clark Kellog and Jim Nantz.
• You refer to yourself as "This Year's Cinderella."
• You fly into a rage when anyone mispronounces "Krzyzewski."
• You claim to be part Blue Devil.
• You ask your hair stylist to make you look more "Gene Keadyish"
• You blame Christian Laettner for all your problems.
• You eat a diet rich in golden gophers.

Bracketology 101 - 7 Keys to Victory!

The NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament starts tonight with the play-in game between Morehead State and Alabama State. Here are seven tips guaranteed to turn your bracket into NCAA gold:

1. Always bet on your alma matter. Show some spirit and pick your school to go all the way! For example, I have Cornell going to the Elite Eight. Of course, I didn't graduate from Cornell - I'm a Harvard man. And did my post-grad at M.I.T. and doctoral degrees from Oxford and the Sorbonne. I'm  also a two-time winner of  McArthur "Genius Grant." Too bad if you went to Phoenix University, DeVry or Barnard College.
   
2. Your Bracket is a Food Chain. Have you ever eaten a terrapin? An aggie? What about a boilermaker? How about a matador? Really? That's freaky. Okay - if you were stranded in the wilderness, would you eat a Mountaineer? These are questions to consider when filling out your bracket.
3. Don't forget Cinderella. Every year one team defies the odds and plays the entire tournament wearing glass slippers. This team is known as the Cinderella. They arrive at games in a giant pumpkin pulled by magical horses and are generally treated like damn princesses.
4. Practice, Practice, Practice. Turn every aspect of your life into a bracket where losers are eliminated and winners survive to see another day. This works best with family trees.
5. Increase the odds. Everyone chooses a Final Four. By why limit yourself? Increase your chances by creating a final eight, 16 or 32. 
6. Dust off those Math Skills. Remember in school when you thought you'd never use algebra in the real world? Well here's your chance. Take the number of teams, divide their combined wins by conference losses, multiply that number by the total points scored at home by the top seeds. Once you've done that, convert that number to a fraction and multiply it by the circumference of a basketball times the combined height of Duke's starting five. Voila - there's your bracket.
7. Get Your Dick Out of the Vitale. Seriously, dude. That's just gross.

The Most and Least Irish People on St. Patrick's Day.

The Most Irish:

1. The Notre Dame Mascot.
2. Bono.
   
3. The Other Guys from U2.
4. Shaquille O'Neal.
5. Shane McGowan.
6. Sinead O'Connor.
7. The Lion.
8. The Witch.
9. The Wardrobe.
10. Frank McCourt.

The Least Irish:

1. President O'Bama.
2. Mary Kate O'Lsen.
3. Ashley O'Lsen.
4. Keith O'lbermann.
5. Ozzy O'Sbourne.
6. Yoko O'No.
7. Marie O'Smond.
8. Tony O'Rlando.
9. Suze O'Rman.
10. Magglio O'Rdonez.

R.I.P. Ron Silver.

Ron Silver died Sunday of cancer. Those close to him said Silver, 62, died as he lived - as a minor character who you confuse with Oliver Platt even though they look nothing alike.

Did You Know?

Have you noticed Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner always appears nervous? Some suggest it's due to the crumbling economy. But did you know Geithner suffers from a rare disease that makes him believe he's constantly being followed by a pack of hungry wolves.

And now you do!

An Apology.

Dear readers,

Please forgive my recent absence - I fell ill with what I believed was The Elephant Man Syndrome. Turned out it was just a cold.

Sincerely,

Grant Miller, Esq.

Is Your Spouse Leading a Double Life as a Werewolf? Take the Grant Miller Media Quiz and Find Out!

Is your spouse or significant other a werewolf? It's a question everyone dreads and for many it's a sure-fire relationship-ender. But is there anything you can do to protect yourself and your relationship?

This quiz will answer many of the questions you have. Find out if you're suspicions are on target or if you're over-reacting. Whether you're with a suspected werewolf or simply want to protect yourself against werewolves, this quiz is for you:

1. You iron one of his shirts for work. He:

a. Kisses you and says thanks.

b. Promises to return the favor.

c. Hardly notices.

d. Growls and rips the shirt from your hands with his massive fangs.

2. You're at a restaurant with your man. The waitress is a Heidi Klum-look-a-like. Your man:

a. Barely notices her and focuses his attention on you.

b. Eyes her up and down and appears distracted.

c. Flirts with her and brushes it off as harmless.

d. Foams at the mouth.

3. His ideal night out is:

a. Dinner and a movie.

b. Clubbing and getting sweaty on the dance floor.

c. He'd rather stay in - a candlelight dinner and off to the bedroom!

d. Visiting graveyards and feasting on corpses.

4. When you argue does he:

a. Yell and get angry.

b. Play the silent game.

c. Listen to your side.

d. Hunt prey in your back yard.

5. You cooked a special meal at home using a great new recipe. Does he:

a. Compliment you.

b. Offer to clean the dishes.

c. Barely touch it.

d. Run for the hills, hunting for virgin blood.

6. In bed, he:

a. Is an animal!

b. Likes it rough!

c. Insists on doggy-style!

d. All of the above.

7. You just returned from a week-long business trip. Your man:

a. Has a candlelight dinner ready and waiting.

b. Is late to pick you up at the airport.

c. Is happy to have you home - these dishes don't wash themselves!

d. Is chasing squirrels in the backyard.

8. Does your religion cause him to:

a. Take a greater interest in his faith.

b. Learn more about your spirituality.

c. Renounce all beliefs.

d. Howl and break into hives.

9. Are you with him because:

a. All your friends are married or attached.

b. All the good ones are taken or gay.

c. You love him.

d. You were raised by wolves.

10. On your anniversary, does he give you:

a. Roses.

b. Diamonds.

c. Nothing - oops he forgot!

d. Rabies.

If you answered "D" to any of the questions your spouse or significant other may be a werewolf.

Chris Brown's Kids Choice Nominations Protested.

A petition from parents - signed by yours truly - wasn't enough to have Chris Brown removed from Nickelodeon's Kids Choice Award show. Brown was charged last month in a domestic dispute with his girlfriend, the singer Rihanna.

Brown is nominated for three awards, they are:

• Best male singer
• Best song
• Best left hook

Fact!

There is a special level in Hell for the person that invented the public bathroom toilet paper dispenser - the kind that limits how many squares you can use at a time. 

If Robert Frost Had Text Messaged.

da road no takn

2 roadz divrgd ina yello wood

& srry i couldnt travl both

& b 1 travlr long i stood

& lookd down 1 as far as i culd

2 whr it bent in da undrgrwth

then took tha othr as jst as fair

& havin prhaps the bettr claim

bcuz it was grassy & wantd ware

tho as 4 tht the passin ther

had worn dem bout da same

& both dat mornng eqlly lay

n leaves no step hd trddn blk

o i kept da 1st 4 nothr day

yt knoing how way leds onto way

i dubtd if i shuld evr cum bak

i shll b tlling dis w/ a sigh

somewhr ages n ages hnce

2 roads divrged in a wood & i

i took da 1 less trvlld by

& dat has made all da diff

;)

25 Random Things About Me!

By Bryan Adams.

1. I bought my first real guitar at a five-and-dime store down the street from my house as a kid.
2. After getting home, I played it all day and night. I played it so much, in fact, that my fingers began to bleed and I needed medical attention.
3. This all happened in July 1969.
4. Soon thereafter, I started a band with some guys from school, Jimmy and Jody.
5. We tried very hard.
6. But Jimmy soon left the band and Jody became engaged to his girlfriend. They soon were married.
7. Looking back, it was naive of me to expect that band would go far.
8. Maybe it was the 24-hour days of sunlight caused by our proximity to the Arctic Circle, but sometimes that summer dragged on forever, like it would never end.
9. As I am older now, I can remember that summer fondly, as though it was the best time of my life, perhaps.
10. My motto in life? "There's no use complaining when you've got a job to do." That's the motto I try to follow everyday. I'm not sure what that has to do with anything else on this list.
11. Throughout the summer of 1969, I spent my evenings at the drive-in. I'd usually go there after band practice and after applying ointment and a fresh bandage to my fingers that were still damaged by excessive playing of my first real guitar.
12. I met my girlfriend at the drive-in.
13. I remember we were standing on her mother's porch when she told me "Bryan, I will wait forever." She then took my hand and lead me to believe that it was now or never.
14. I rescind my previous statement that playing in the band with Jimmy and Jody were the best days of my life. Although those were great times - I now believe standing on my girlfriend's mother's porch were the best days of my life.
15. Technically, they were nights - not days - as we would go there after leaving the drive-in, but you get the idea. Plus that whole 24-hours of sunlight is confusing.
16. Now I'm having second thoughts.
17. Really, we were just killing time. We were young and restless. I just needed to unwind after a long day at band practice with Jimmy and Jody.
18. I guess nothing can last forever, no?
19. I'll be 50 in November and now I see that everything is changing. Look at everything that has come and gone since then - Gretzky's retired, the Soviet Union is no more, Pierre Trudeau is long gone.
20. Sometimes, I will play that first guitar and relieve those glory days.
21. I keep replaying stuff over and over again in my mind - just wondering what went wrong.
22. I especially replay that night on my girlfriend's mother's porch.
23. When she told me "Bryan, it's now or never."
24. And when she took my hand and lead me to believe that it was now or never.
25. I suppose, those were the best days of my life.

Don't Forget Daylight Savings!

Daylight Saving Time begins at 2 a.m. Sunday. Don't forget to move your clocks ahead one hour and check your smoke detectors before bed tonight. Here are some interesting facts about Daylight Savings Time:

• Daylight Savings Time is a form of time travel.
• By moving clocks an hour ahead, most Americans will get a rare glimpse of life in the future. Except those in Arizona and Hawaii which do not follow Daylight Savings Time.
• When speaking with friends from those states, inform them you are from the future and mean them no harm.
• Be sure to speak to them in American English - in the future most Americans will be fluent in more than 6 million binary languages.
• There will be two suns in the future and they will set an hour later than current sunsets.
  
• Everyone will wear velour robes.
• Hovercraft will be the primary mode of transportation.
• Residents of Arizona and Hawaii will be amazed by our future technologies and we will use mind control to govern them until Daylight Savings Time ends.
• Rebellions in those states will be dealt with harshly but fairly. Using a giant laser.

The Most and Leasr Common Search Words Used to Find Grant Miller Media.

The Most Common:

1. who's gay in hollywood
2. milton berle penis
3. grant miller media
4. tattoo phrases
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The Least Common:

1. enter her twat like a bull
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10. subservient nurse videos

The Case for Legalization.

The economic crisis may be the last straw for the argument against legalizing marijuana.

California may legalize and tax users to eliminate the state's enormous debt. The Obama administration, which has enough worries with the nosediving economy, may even turn over medical marijuana laws to states - effectively ending prohibition in the process.

And why not? In study after study, marijuana has shown to be non-addictive and with fewer harmful consequences than alcohol.

This is not to say I smoke marijuana. I don't - my recreational drug of choice is a glass of wine with dinner. But if I drink a glass of wine to relax at night, why can't my neighbor smoke a joint?

Now if I insist on finishing the bottle and get cranky because we're all out of booze, why can't my neighbor sit and get stoned? It doesn't make much sense.

Or what if I start rummaging through our house, thirsting for one last drop of delicious, soothing alcohol, shouldn't my neighbor also be allowed to relax and smoke a bong?

Who hasn't squeezed a sponge soaked with rancid apple juice in the dying hope the tonic will take the edge off in the morning? I know I have, but why shouldn't your neighbor be allowed to get high every once in awhile? Think about it.

It's perfectly legal for me to break open my daughter's piggy bank to scrounge up enough change to run to the corner liquor store for a pint of peach schnapps after she leaves for school in the morning, yet my neighbor can't spend a portion of his salary on pot? That's simply not right.

Similarly, there's nothing wrong or illegal if I choose to relax at night secretly swigging Sterno, feeling the burn that satiates my chemical need for more and more. But if my neighbor wants to get high, he can't?

No one minds if I show up to work in the morning reeking from the Dr. McGillicuddy's vanilla schnapps I keep in my briefcase. Nor do they mind that I sip Jewels brand scotch from a plastic bottle hidden in my desk. It's legal - who will complain? But if my neighbor fails a drug test he's out of a job. It makes no sense.

What's In and What's Out For Spring 2009? Grant Miller Media Has the Answers!

IN:

• Indoor pools.
• Interior design.
• Inner beauty.
• Inner thigh exercises.
• Skeletons.
• Indoor rock climbing.
• Arena Soccer.
• Indoor grills.
• "Inside Edition"
• Insider trading.
• Thinking inside the box.
• Inner ear infections.
• Inner peace.

OUT:

• Pools.
• Exterior design.
• Beauty.
• Outer thigh exercises.
• Exoskeletons.
• Mountains.
• Soccer.
• Grills.
• Outside Magazine
• Trading.
• Thinking outside the box.
• Ear lobe infections.
• Peace.

Six Ways to Turn Failure into Success!

With unemployment and foreclosures up and the stock market down, it's easy to lose confidence. Success rarely comes easily and many leaders - from the board room to the playing field - have failed repeatedly.

How do you turn a failure into a success? Follow these simple steps from Grant Miller Media and watch your fortunes change!

1. Don't Let Failure Stop You. Just because you failed, doesn't mean you should give up. Rejection and failure and pain and suffering and turmoil and sadness and death and dying are part of this great ride we call life. So are terminal illness and famine - didn't want to forget those! Maybe you failed at business. Or maybe your marriage is a failure. Maybe your health is failing and doctors have phoned your next of kin to inform them the time is near. Perhaps you failed multiple sobriety tests and took a swing at an officer. Or maybe you just failed to pick up your children at the mall and were called by security and now have the damn family services breathing down your neck. The important thing to remember is you tried. And trying is the first part of success!

2. Look At Your Past Objectively. Do you ever wish you'd done something differently? Have you ever wondered what might have been? Or ever just been curious about "the one that got away?" You're not alone. But if you're determined to succeed, it's important to go back and right those wrongs. Even if it takes you to your last dying day to track down that one damn high school teacher who put you this mess all those years ago.

3. Redefine Failure. Failure comes in all shapes and sizes, colors and dimensions, liquids and solids - even gases. But success never comes easily. Unless you lower your expectations to make up for your amazing lack of talent, intelligence, tact, ability, concentration and money. Some may encourage you to reach for the stars to unleash your hidden potential. But it's much easier to just reach for a gun or bottle.

4. You can't see the forest if your looking at the trees. Okay this one doesn't make any sense. You can see the forest if you're looking at the trees. How do you even know it's a forest if there aren't any trees, anyway? Made you think, huh? Yeah. Thought so.

5. Failure doesn't mean defeat. No. It just means you lost, Lou Zer.

6. Reaching The Mountain Top is Only Half The Battle. Standing on top of the world. Looking over the Himalaya. The thin mountain air turning my thoughts into a shallow imitation of Krakauer's Hemingway-esqe staccato prose, I understood on some dim, detached level that dying on this icy mountain would be a failure. But making it down, alive would make for a great story and New York Times bestseller. 

Flu Virus is Resistant to Medication.

Tamiflu, a drug prescribed to battle the flu bug, no longer works on one strain of the virus. According to the American Medical Association, the flu virus that's making the most people sick this year is resistant to the primary medication meant to treat it. Without medication, doctors say the new virus could:

• Grow thumbs.
• Develop giant limbs, giving the virus greater mobility.
• Develop razor-sharp teeth and vice-like jaws.
• Breath fire.
• Throw lightening bolts from any of its eight tentacles.
• Acquire weapons-grade uranium.
• Multiply and establish a colony of half-virus/half-minotaur creatures determined to dominate the world.
• Enslave our women and children.
• Turn our rivers into blood and lay fire to the seas.
• Use chameleon-like traits to blend into society and secretly unleash its death grip as we sleep.
• Contaminate our water and food supply with powerful mind-control drugs that will turn us into mindless drones, capable of killing for our virus overlords.
• Raise the capital gains tax.
• Harness the power of the sun to burn every crop, raze every building and smite sodomites and the wicked.

Avalanche Study Yields Surprising Results.

The Northwest Weather and Avalanche Center concluded a 12-year study recently documenting avalanche fatalities by activity.  I found this graph particularly enlightening:

Rejected Titles for President Obama's Memoir, "Dreams from My Father."

• "Dreams of My Hot Cousin."
• "Dreams of I'm Falling and Suddenly Wake Up."
• "Dreams of My House But Where Everything is Different, But I Still Know it's My House."
• "Dreams of Eating a Giant Marshmallow."
• "Dreams of My High School Girlfriend."
• "Dreams of Hearing a Buzzing Noise Only To Awaken to My Alarm."
• "Dreams of Speaking Before a Large Audience But Dressed Totally Inappropriately."
• "Dreams of Something Awesome That I Now Can't Remember. Damnit, I Hate When That Happens. Damnit. It Was Really Good, Too. Gimme a Second, it'll Come to Me."

Practical Haikus.

How to Shoplift Anything.

By Grant Miller, Poet.

I dunno 'bout that.

I've never stolen a thing.

Unless you count jokes.

How to Fix a Light Socket on a Display Cabinet.

By Grant Miller, Poet.

It cannot be done.

Might as well trash the whole thing.

God I hate those things.

Filling a Dishwasher Properly.

By Grant Miller, Poet.

Stand back and watch this.

Prepare to have your mind blown.

I am your Sensei.

How to Write a Practical Haiku.

By Grant Miller, Poet.

Look within yourself.

Feel true emotions and love.

Make up some shit - done.

Mich. Zoo Offers X-Rated Entertainment.

Binder Park Zoo in Battle Creek, Mich., recently hosted a sold-out event featuring animals making love. Couples paid $50 for champagne, hors d'oevres  and tours of animal boudoirs typically closed to the public. Featured animals included snow leopards, giraffes and zebras. The event was dubbed "Zoorotica."

Here are the names that were rejected for the event:

• "Animals Fucking."
• "Fucking Animals."
• "You Think You Look Any Better When You Do It?"
• "Wanna Find Out Why The Giraffe Has Such a Long Tongue?"
• "Sex in the City Zoo."
• "More Than Just Camel Toe."
• "Hot Zebra-on-Zebra Action."
• "FINALLY!"
• "If You Think Giraffes Have Long Necks..."
• "Calling All Deviants!"
• "If You're 'Into' Snow Leopards, You Just Hit Jackpot."
• "Horse Hung Seahorses, Vol. 37."
• "This Will Blow Away the Mapplethorpe Exhibit at the Art Museum."