And Now, a Moment With Andy Rooney.

I don't think many people give much thought to where a few extra dollars go. If you've ever found a couple dollars in an old pair of slacks it may be a nice surprise but it's hardly enough to retire on.

But have you noticed how everything is slowly getting a little more expensive? Retailers don't want to startle customers by raising prices suddenly, so they do it slowly over several months or even a couple years.

I noticed recently that dancers charge more for lap dances than they did just a year ago. It used to be that a man could get a lap dance for $5. A dancer would give him a short dance, wave her behind and wait for the song to end.

Now you're lucky to get a beer for $5 much less a lap dance. I visited a strip club the other day and had to pay $20 for one lap dance. Maybe they still have $5 dances on Tuesday afternoons but I don't know.

I don't go to strip clubs often, but when I do I like to get a lap dance or two. No point in going if you're not going to get a lap dance.

My dancer said she was paying for school. I guess that's what they all say. I've known many educated women in my life, but none have ever said they paid for college by giving lap dances. I suppose I could ask, but I'm afraid that would get me into a lot of trouble here at CBS. They have enough trouble without me adding to it.

When politicians talk about inflation they never mention the rising cost of lap dances. Maybe they're too embarrassed or haven't noticed. Constituents never call their Congressman to complain about lap dances.

If you want a lap dance, make sure you bring more than $5. And don't think your dancers will have change. They don't even have pockets.

Acceptable Suffixes for Peter Tork.

• "Peter Torkable"
• "Peter Torkal"
• "Peter Torkary"
• "Peter Torkate"
• "Peter Torker"
• "Peter Torkify"
• "Peter Torkism"
• "Peter Torkist"
• "Peter Torkian"
• "Peter Torkation"
• "Peter Torkiferous"
• "Peter Torkile"
• "Peter Torkitivity"
• "Peter Torkoid"
• "Peter Torkosis"
• "Peter Torkitude"

Obama Offers Tips on Swine Flu.

President Obama spoke to reporters today over growing concerns about a swine flu pandemic. The following is a brief portion of his speech obtained by Grant Miller Media and offers several tips to combat the virus:

"Good morning. I want to assure you my administration is closely monitoring the H1N1 (swine) flu virus and we are prepared to do what we can to stop the illness from spreading.

"But individual Americans must also do their part: Keep your hands washed. Cover your mouth when you cough. Stay home from work if you are sick, keep your children home from school if they are sick. Buy a new outfit or something nice for yourself. J.C. Penney's has some great deals on men's slacks. Talbots offers women's clothing that is both affordable and classy.

"Watch a game on television. Get something to eat. Wash your fresh fruits and vegetables before eating. Flush the toilet. Turn off the lights you're not using. Don't wear white before Memorial Day. Always send thank you cards after receiving a gift. Write down the number where you can be reached when you leave home. Put the seat down when you're done. Try some iced oatmeal cookies - they are delicious.

"Don't forget your anniversary. Floss after every meal. You never need more than a centimeter of toothpaste. Always shave along the grain, not against it. Use cold water to rinse after shaving to alleviate cuts and nicks. Use hot water to prepare the razor. Never wear socks with sandals.

"Set your thermostat lower at night or when you're away from home. Don't honk during a traffic jam. Always keep some decaf on hand for guests. Set aside a set of nice towel for guests or parties.

"Read one fiction book for every non-fiction book. Learn the names of your children's playmates and offer to help with homework. Do at least one crossword puzzle a week. Don't read in bed - it fosters poor reading habits.

"Change your contact case at least once every three months. Don't switch cat food abruptly. Buy a new car in August when dealers want to unload current models to make room for new ones. Cops won't ticket you as long as you're within 10 miles of the speed limit. You can always drive 1,000 miles beyond what the Jiffy Lube sticker says.

"May and September have the best weather.

"Thank you and God bless America."

Swine Flu: 5 Things You Need To Know.

1. Now is the time to panic: Do not hesitate, every minute counts as this virus - which has infected fewer than 1,000 of the world's 6 billion people - wipes out all of humanity. Take a moment to run into the streets screaming, sell all your worldly possessions and live off the land.
2. This is the end of times: There is no turning back and nothing can be done to stop this. Hug your family and children while you still can, you may have only days or hours to live.
3. I once killed a drifter outside Enid, Oklahoma: I know this is supposed to be about the swine flu, but since we're teetering on the edge of extinction I wanted to get this off my chest: In October 1987 I killed a hitchhiker on a rural interstate near Enid. After eating his spleen, I buried his body in forest preserve. There, I said it.
4. I never really liked you: Also unrelated to the swine flu, but knowing our time is limited has opened a well of candor that cannot be shut. It's true, despite my niceties and politeness I never cared for you and only pretended to further my career.
5. The combination to my basement safe is 2276##*227: This last item is for the race of mole-like creatures that will inhabit Earth after we pass. Inside the safe you will find two gold bricks, a collection of seeds which can be grown to maintain plant life, a diagram of a man and woman indicating the average height of humans and our opposable thumbs. The diagram also shows Earth's relative position to the Sun and the surrounding solar system. Godspeed.

Is There Porn on Your Computer? Take This Grant Miller Media Test & Find Out.

Every year, millions of Americans are surprised to find vast quantities of pornography on their computer. How did it get there and is it damaging my files? These are common questions when pornography is discovered on the home computer.

Unsure if your computer has pornography? Take this Grant Miller Media quiz and find out.

1. Have you or anyone you know used your computer to download dirty pictures or videos?

a. Yes.

b. No. I don't think so. I don't do that kind of stuff.

2. Does your web browser history list sites for adult eyes only?

a. Yes.

b. No. No - of course not. I mean, I would never. I don't even know what those sites are. Why?

3. Could someone easily turnoff you computer's content filter?

a. Yes.

b. No. I mean, not that I've tried or know how.

4. Does anyone in your house have a predilection for hardcore 1970s German leather films?

a. Yes.

b. What? No. That's so strange. I mean who would ever? You know? Why, do you or something?

5. Were you on the computer at 5:15 p.m. using your credit card to subscribe to something called "GoatTube?"

a. Yes.

b. Uh. Um. That's really weird. This must be a mix up because I would never. I mean. No. I have no idea how those charges got on there.

6. Do you regularly take your laptop into the bathroom and lock the door?

a. Yes.

b. What? No. Oh this? I totally forgot it was in my hands.

7. Do you have pictures of women's feet tucked away on your computer?

a. Yes.

b. No. I didn't do that. I don't know who did. I don't know what to say, I mean I guess I might have downloaded a file and not known what it was. It's not like I go online and Google women+feet+pics or anything, right. I mean, that's just weird or whatever. Right?

8. Can I take a look at your computer right now?

a. Yes.

b. No. I, uh, need it just for a second I have to do this thing for work. It should only take a minute or so, okay?

9. Do other people have access to your computer?

a. Yes.

b. No, but you know what happened - I left it at work and Toby from accounting he's always doing pranks like that. I bet he did this.

10. Was this quiz helpful?

a. Yes.

b. No, but I think we're done here. I mean, it was Toby. I'll tell him that's not cool. I'm glad we cleared this up. That was a close one.

If you used a computer to take this quiz, you have vast quantities of pornography at your fingertips.

Swine Flu Hits New Zealand.

The swine flu, which began in Mexico and quickly spread worldwide, hit New Zealand on Monday. Doctors in Auckland said local victims have the following symptoms:

• All are short - averaging just 3 feet 6 inches with a stout build.
• Curling, elvish hair styles.
• Pointy ears.
• Uncommonly large feet covered with a soft coat of downy fur and leathery soles.
• Many of the infected do not wear shoes.
• Most have a mischievous nature and enjoy playing the pan flute or lyre and dancing jigs.

Swine Flu Symptoms.

If you suffer from any of these symptoms or related disorders, you may have contracted swine flu:

• Swine flu fever.
• Nacho Lung.
• Piggyosis.
• General hoofing of the foot or hands.
• Hogatitis C.
• Boarlera.
• Porker Posey.
• Cat scratch fever.
• Distended Three Little Piggies.
• Straightening of the curly tail.
• Oinking Cough.
• Restless piggly wiggly syndrome.
• Piggy Pox.
  
• Inflammation of the snout.
• Sexual contact with a member of the swine family within the last 72 hours.
• Decreased Piglet levels.
• Squealiness.
• Pot bellying.
• Pigheadedness.
• Ham Hockiness
• Porking of the beans.
• Acute Wilbering.
• Hamton Innerds.

Random Songs on My iPod.

1. "The Ineffable Me" by Sonic Youth. Not my favorite Sonic Youth song off my not favorite Sonic Youth album.
2. "Can't Stop" by M83. Electronica that sounds like it should be played before a glitzy Olympic ceremony.
3. "What You Want it To Be" by Sugar. Eh. Not a great Bob Mould song. But not offensive or bad. Just not great.
4. "Shady Lane" by Pavement. A live version of the song where SM screws up the lyrics.
5. "Morning Night and Day" by New Order. Stadium electronica rock that would sound great played before a football match.
6. "See a Little Light" by Bob Mould. A sensitive number off his first post Husker album. It's okay.
7. "Attack of the Killer Bees" by Archers of Loaf. I think this was part of their concept album that lacked a real concept.
8. "The Fox" by Sleater-Kinney. Nice drums, excellent loud and raunchy production, too.
9. "Get the Message" by Electronic. Perfect electronica rock music for the start of a cricket match in 1989.
10. "You've Got to Hide Your Love Away" by The Beatles. A very whistleable song.

The Most and Least Common Search Words Used to Find Grant Miller Media.

The Most Common:

1. who's gay in hollywood
2. samantha brown nude
3. milton berle penis
4. lame jokes
5. scat love
6. tattoo phrases
7. grant miller
8. waterboarding jokes
9. grant miller media
10. what's in for spring 2009

The Least Common:

1. "penile dwarfism"
2. elmhurst is full of perverts
3. scrub the penis with hands in shower
4. sex with a raccoon
5. you is being attack
6. scat i love you
7. what is grant miller media?
8. most worthless people alive
9. grant miller the best
10. horsecock

Hitler Artwork Sells For Record Price.

Fifteen paintings and sketches by a young Adolph Hitler sold for nearly $150,000 Thursday at a British auction. Other items on the block included:

• Hand-written poetry by Saddam Hussein.
• A sock monkey sewn by Joseph Stalin.
• Hand-made pottery by Pol Pot.
• A pipe cleaner bracelet with Cheerios made by Joseph Goebbels.
• A rock with googly eyes made by Mao Zedong.
• A recipe box compiled by Idi Amin.
• Heinrich Himmler's collection of pressed flowers.
• A scarf knitted by Benito Mussolini.
• Shrinky Dinks created by Augusto Pinochet.
• A playbill from a 1982 Kabul production of "Our Town" signed by Osama Bin Laden.
• A set of perfume bottles blown by Slobodan Milosevic.

High Court Considers Strip-Search Limits.

The U.S. Supreme Court this week heard arguments surrounding the strip-search of a 13-year old girl by administrators at her Arizona middle school.

School officials believed the girl illegally hid prescription drugs under her clothes. The girl was forced to strip to her underwear, but pills were never found.

Grant Miller Media condemns these actions and believes justice will be served quickly in this case.

No middle schooler should be subjected to such a humiliating strip search at the hands of a principal or police officer, especially without sufficient evidence. Such extreme search and seizure methods should be reserved for true criminals - shapely college coeds.

While principals and police officers waste time strip searching innocent middle schoolers, entire campuses of hot college girls run amok. Is this the type of society we want to live in? No. No it is not. These are the types of criminals strip search laws were created for.

Many of these curvaceous criminals even film their exploits, posting videos across the Internet or hawking DVDs on late night television. Their drugged-out videos are a disgusting display of vice and debauchery that should alert the attention of any law-abiding citizen who is home alone while his wife and kids are at the store. 

While police worry about middle schoolers taking aspirin, shouldn't they instead target these sorority hotties? With their barely-there skirts and high heels and super-tight letter sweaters barely concealing caches of drugs, firearms and tanned bosoms.

Grant Miller Media thinks so. And if Clarence Thomas has his way so will the Supreme Court.

Practical Haikus.

Finding People on the Internet

By Grant Miller, Poet

Use ISPs to

Get names, addresses, numbers.

Then follow them home.

How to unclog a toilet.

By Grant Miller, Poet

OMG! That stinks.

What'd you do in there? Here I'll

go get the plunger.

How to escape from the trunk of a car.

By Grant Miller, Poet

Kick in the backseat.

Unless you're tied up and shit.

Then you're fucked. Sorry.

How to care for a pet snake.

By Grant Miller, Poet.

Snakes are real freaky.

Are you one of those snake dudes?

They're way into snakes.

TV Turnoff Week!

It's TV Turnoff Week - an online challenge to give up television for one week. It won't be easy for couch potatoes or boob tube junkies, but here are six tips to get you through this difficult time:

• Explore the Internet: The Internet is a great resource for sharing information, commerce and ideas. But did you know many television programs are available online either through iTunes, YouTube or network websites? It may be TV Turnoff week, but no one said you couldn't watch programs online, suckers!!
• Exercise: Are you a couch potato in front of the TV? Now's your chance to shed those extra pounds and hit the gym. Be careful to select an exercise machine for your body type, ability and with a personal TV monitor already set to a program you want to watch. Some gyms even have television areas in the locker room so you can disrobe and watch "The Mentalist" just like home.
• Watch Old Home Movies: Go back and watch old parties and family gatherings and check for any glimpses of television in the background.
• Meditate: Instead of zoning out in front of the television, "tune in" your mind by meditating. Close your eyes and imagine you're a favorite television character or relive hilarious sitcom moments. If kids interrupt you, yell at them and tell just like when they disturb your precious TV time.
• Spend Time with Your Family: In my family, we regularly download entire "Gossip Girl" scripts and reenact our favorite scenes in the living room. My grandma usually plays Blair, my aunt plays Serena and my grandfather and I take turns portraying Dan and Nate. Granted, the love scenes are racy but it's a great way to spend a Sunday evening.
• Watch TV: This may defeat the purpose, but damnit there's nothing more important than watching TV. Don't give up on it so easily - it's your responsibility!

Lame Waterboarding Jokes.

• A report in today's New York Times states CIA agents used waterboarding 266 times on two suspected Al Qaeda operatives. Former Vice President Dick Cheney defended the measure noting the first 180 were for practice.
• A report in today's New York Times states CIA agents used waterboarding 266 times on two suspected Al Qaeda operatives. Former Vice President Dick Cheney denied the accusation and said the number was closer to like 466.
• A report in today's New York Times tates CIA agents used waterboarding 266 times on two suspected Al Qaeda operatives. Former Vice President Dick Cheney defended the measure noting most of the waterboardings were accidental. 
• A report in today's New York Times states CIA agents used waterboarding 266 times on two suspected Al Qaeda operatives. Former Vice President Dick Cheney defended the measure noting he was just trying to keep pace with Alex Rodriguez.
• A report in today's New York Times states CIA agents used waterboarding 266 times on two suspected Al Qaeda operatives. Former Vice President Dick Cheney defended the measure noting 266 is his lucky number.
• A report in today's New York Times states CIA agents used waterboarding 266 times on two suspected Al Qaeda operatives. Former Vice President Dick Cheney defended the measure and said "You wanna talk about torture? Try doing the New York Times Sunday crossword - that's torture. Am I right???"
• A report in today's New York Times states CIA agents used waterboarding 266 times on two suspected Al Qaeda operatives. Former Vice President Dick Cheney defended the measure noting time flies when you're waterboarding someone.
• A report in today's New York Times states CIA agents used waterboaring 266 times on two suspected Al Qaeda operatives. Former Vice President Dick Cheney defended the measure and agreed to include more suspected operatives in future waterboardings.
• A report in today's New York Times states CIA agents used waterboarding 266 times on two suspected Al Qaeda operatives. Former Vice President Dick Cheney defended the measure noting Al Qaeda was about to crumble if they'd just been able to waterboard those guys a couple more times.

U.N. Issues Warning to Boaters Off Somalia.

In the wake of recent pirate attacks, the United Nations issued a warning to maritime vessels off the coast of Somalia. According to the warning, pirates may attack the following aquatic vessels:

• Cruise ships
• Tug boats
• Commercial liners
• Military ships
• Fishing boats
• Cleveland steamers
• Canoes
• Kayaks
• Paddle boats
• Bumper boats
• Die-cast models
• Dinghys
• House boats
• Party boats
• Wisconsin Dells Duck boats
• Rafts
• Boogie boards
• Old-Timey paddle wheel boats
• Inflatable rafts that you ride on the back of a motorboat
• Surf boards
• Sea-Doo
• Swan boats
• Tunnel of Love boats
• Riverboat casinos

An Important Announcement From Grant Miller Media.

Dear Readers,

In recent days, rumors of my relationship with Heidi Klum have swirled across the blogosphere. Depending on what you read, we've been canoodling in Paris or sharing glances in Rome. Some have even suggested we're looking at properties in the south of France. Now there's news Ms. Klum is pregnant and gossip abounds that I may be the father.

I'm not here to deny these rumors - doing that would only lend them legitimacy. And the rumor-mongers would love nothing more than to pull me down to their level. But I'm not buying it.

They will not bait me into disclosing the exact nature of my relationship with the comely Ms. Klum. I will neither confirm nor deny I've had any contact or romance with Ms. Klum. That would only embolden gossip-hounds to become more brazen and suggest a love triangle between Ms. Klum, Scarlett Johansson and myself. And I will not let them do that.

Sincerely,

Grant Miller, Esq.

Fashion Question.

Dear Readers,

Technically, it's not cross-dressing if you're wearing boy shorts, right?

Sincerely,

Grant Miller, Esq.

John Madden Retires.

NFL commentator and hall of fame coach John Madden announced his retirement today. In a statement, Madden said he's leaving the game to spend more time with Pat Summerall.

Lame Jokes.

• The Obama's welcomed a new Portuguese Water Dog to their family. Confirmation of the dog was delayed after it was revealed the dog owed $47,000 in back taxes to a German Shepherd.
• A Malawi court denied Madonna's bid to adopt a child from the African nation. It's sad because Alex Rodriguez was really looking forward to teaching the kid how to inject steroids.

An Open Letter to the Internal Revenue Service.

To Whom it May Concern,

An envelope I sent to your Fresno, California, office on Wednesday was sent in error.

It appears I accidentally placed my submission to Penthouse Forum, titled "Eight's a Crowd," in an envelope sent to your office and mailed my federal taxes to the magazine's headquarters.

I have contacted Forum editors to request the return of my tax documents and ask you to please return my magazine submission.

I apologize for the mix up.

Sincerely,

Grant Miller, Esq.

Extremists Aim to Enlist Disgruntled Vets.

A report from the U.S. Department of Homeland Security notes right-wing extremist groups may recruit disgruntled vets to share their skills and combat training.

Anyone familiar with these fringe groups, knows they are capable of attracting the very best military minds the United States has produced.

Consider the story of John Rambo (pictured).  The Vietnam War veteran is a retired Green Beret and Medal of Honor winner. But in 1982, he was a drifter in the small town of Hope, Washington.

It's alleged Rambo killed several deputies and severely injured County Sheriff Brian Dennehy after a lengthy standoff in a heavily wooded forest and abandoned mine.

Rambo, a survivalist trained by Col. Richard Crenna, used the rugged terrain to kill several officers with hastily rigged booby traps and a Zippo lighter. Rambo also is alleged to have brazenly grabbed Sheriff Dennehy and placed a hunting knife to his throat.

Col. Crenna was alerted to the situation and warned local police that Rambo was the best soldier he ever trained. Col. Crenna acknowledged he was surprised any deputies survived the attack and urged them to end the standoff rather than risk further bloodshed.

But Sheriff Dennehy disobeyed Col. Crenna's advice and continued the manhunt. Within days, Rambo destroyed several storefronts in downtown Hope before advancing to the police station.

There, Rambo shot at Sheriff Dennehy who fell from the roof. Inside the station, Rambo was approached by Col. Crenna who negotiated with his former soldier.

Despite Crenna's request, Rambo noted that nothing was over.

Although he killed several officers, attacked a county sheriff and laid waste to much of downtown, Rambo was released from prison in 1985 and returned to Vietnam to rescue POWs.

In 1988, Rambo began work with CIA operations in Afghanistan. Last year, Rambo allegedly killed several Burmese soldiers in a firefight that very few people saw.

In a warning that sparked the attention of Homeland Security, Rambo told Hollywood reporters he may return this year if his daughter is kidnapped by a cult. "Yeah, we are doing another Rambo, but the conflict is whether to do it in America or a foreign country," Rambo told the Web site Hollywood News.

How Will You Spend Your Tax Refund?

The average 2009 tax refund will be around $2,740. How Americans spend that money could either stimulate the economy or weaken sectors already in peril. With so many out of work or struggling to make ends meet, you should be cautious spending that extra cash. Here are a few suggestions:

• Guns.
• Ammunition.
• Non-perishable food.
• Power generators.
• Escape vehicles.
• Duct tape.
• Tablets to convert urine into potable water.
• Gas masks.
• Gold bullion.
• Night vision goggles.
• Flares.
• An axe.
• Two-way radio to communicate with fellow patriots.
• Rope.
• Body bags to carry the dead or infected.
• Cyanide tablets.
• Waterproof matches.
• Cigarettes and alcohol to use for bribing.
• A Bible.
• Surveillance cameras.
• A bio-hazard suit for each member of your family.

An Inspirational Message from Grant Miller Media.

Every time I see a karaoke bar, I want to open a place right next door for lip synching just to spite them.

I'm Writing a Movie!

I've got a great idea for a movie -

1. Imagine if babies could talk??!!! All you need to do is film babies and have a voiceover of what they're actually thinking! It'd be hilarious!
2. But it couldn't be just any voiceover actor - it'd have to be someone easily recognizable, like a famous Hollywood celebrity!
3. Someone with attitude who can get real snarky! Someone like Hollywood heartthrob Bruce Willis!
4. Now, I know what you're thinking. Babies? Talking? You've heard it all, right????
5. The baby would actually interact with adults! But the adults would never know! They'd just think the baby is cute, not a cut-up!
6. And that's why I'm thinking the mom should be a single, career-oriented woman searching for Mr. Right to help raise the baby.
7. Of course, she's gonna want someone who's job-minded and white collar just like her.
8. But all those guys will be chumps who treat her badly.
9. And of course her baby won't like any of them - this will give Bruce Willis a huge opportunity to do what he does best - wisecrack about all the guys she brings home.
10. Until finally she meets a lonesome cabdriver - played by none other than Hollywood heartthrob JOHN TRAVOLTA!!!!!
11. And the mom should be Kirstie Alley, in case I left that out.

Sounds like a great idea for a movie doesn't it? If the Hollywood honchos like this one, I even have ideas for a few sequels!!!

What State Are You? A Facebook Quiz By Jean-Paul Sartre!

Are you small and feisty like Rhode Island? Or livin' large like Texas? Every state in the USA has its own personality - and it's time to find out which one you're most like! Whether it's the state you live in or just your state of mind, take this Facebook quiz developed by Jean-Paul Sartre and find out!

1. What's your drink of choice?

a. There is no such thing as "choice."

b. Nothing.

c. What does it matter?

d. Iced tea.

2. Time to eat! Wha'cha cravin'?

a. Abandonment.

b. Freedom

c. Fear.

d. Fajitas.

3. How do you like to get around?

a. You must know what it is you are getting around.

b. Why must we get around only to return to the very point we started?

c. Driving is a symbol of the chaos that is life.

d. A Volvo.

4. What sport do you love most?

a. Ultimately, that which requires the least amount of love as love is suffering.

b. I feel no passion for any game played by man.

c. Men are free to react to a thrown ball, but this freedom is useless.

d. Baseball.

5. Who's the hottest female celebrity?

a. Beauty is subjective.

b. But subjectivity is objective.

c. Not in any rational scheme of perception.

d. Natalie Portman.

6. Who's the best looking male celebrity?

a. Others are a construct of my own consciousness.

b. They do not exist.

c. They are only necessary to confirm my existence.

d. Paul Newman.

7. What's the most important thing about any college?

a. Nothing.

b. Nothingness.

c. Nonexistence.

d. Academic prestige.

If you answered mostly "A" you are the State of Denial!

If you answered mostly "B" you do not Exist!

If you answered mostly "C" you are in a State of Perpetual Nothingness!

If you answered mostly "D" you are Massachusetts!

Cyberspies Penetrate Electrical Grid: Report.

Cyberspies may have penetrated America's electrical grid and deployed software that could derail the system in the event of a war or crisis. Here's how experts believe the cyberspies did it:

• The cyberspies went online looking for an electrical grid to penetrate. They gained access to the system through a variety of sites including Facebook, MySpace, Craigslist and eHarmony.
• From there, the cyberspies used a series of clever and flirty emails, playing upon the electrical grid's emotions.
• After weeks of playful banter, the cyberspies asked if the electrical grid would like to meet for drinks.
• Although the electrical grid was secretly delighted, it declined noting "I don't mix well with alcohol. In fact, I'm deadly."
• The cyberspies continued to pressure the electrical grid to meet.
• Finally they met for a round of mini-golf - the electrical grid's favorite hobby.
• After an hour on the links, the electrical grid felt comfortable with the cyberspies.
• They met up a few more times - a movie, dinner and a local farmer's market - before the electrical grid finally asked the cyberspies inside.
• After some casual kissing and mild groping, the electrical grid invited the cyberspies into its bedroom.
• And that's when the cyberspies penetrated the electrical grid.
• Observers believe the penetration lasted no more than 90 seconds. Cyberspies claim the penetration took 45 minutes and that it was massive in size.
• After the penetration, the cyberspies quietly left the premises
• The electrical grid has not heard from the cyberspies since.

Pirates Seize U.S. Ship Off Somalia.

Somali pirates boarded a U.S.-operated container ship off the horn of Africa early today. The State Department just released the names of possible suspects in the case. They are:

Bill Madlock

Cap'N Crunch

A crazed Somali pirate.

The cast of the Pheasant Run Dinner Theater's "Pirates of Penzance"

Captain Feathersword

Chicago White Sox Projected Winner of Today's Game.

Today's game in Chicago begins in about five minutes and Grant Miller Media is able to report that the Chicago White Sox are the projected winner over the Kansas City Royals.

This is based on extensive exit polls and on-the-ground reporting in Chicago that shows the White Sox have an almost insurmountable lead. Obviously Kansas City fans will want to wait until the last pitch is thrown, but by our calculations the lead going into today's game was just too much for the Royals to make up.

Let's look at the numbers we have already.

The White Sox campaigned on a strategy of quick pitching from Mark Buehrle. He simply didn't give Kansas City enough time to think or regroup between pitches and from what our numbers show, this cost them the game. That's his style and it worked today.

Royals manager Troy Hillman has not conceded to our knowledge and he may not for some time. He also may be waiting for that call from White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen, too. If you look at a map of the game you can see the White Sox should take an early lead - this is based on significant polling we've done in the months leading up to this.

You have to wonder how this game would have turned out without the Obama factor. You know, he campaigned for the White Sox he was an early supporter of theirs and even attended a few rallies on their behalf. He brings a different type of voter to the game and that might have turned the tide somewhat for the White Sox.

It's possible the Royals could gain some traction in the fifth or sixth inning - that's their base constituency and if they're going to make a run they will do it there. But the White Sox have simply out maneuvered the Royals every step of the way. You'll have to wonder if the Royals regret not debating the White Sox when they had the chance.

Okay, we have a few more numbers in - the early innings have already been counted and with one inning reporting the White Sox remain tied with the Royals. But as we've been telling you, our exit polling shows the White Sox are the projected winner today.

Massive Antarctic Ice Shelf Breaks Loose.

An ice shelf the size of Jamaica broke loose from the Antarctic peninsula early Monday. Although theories abound on what caused the rift, Grant Miller Media provides the following scenario:

• The Antarctic Peninsula was never there for the ice shelf.
• Whenever the ice shelf asked to play catch, the Antarctic Peninsula was always like "I'm too busy."
• The ice shelf always looked up to the Antarctic Peninsula and didn't let it get to him. The ice shelf would just look at the Antarctic Peninsula and say "I wanna be just like him one day."
• And when the ice shelf went to college he'd come home and the Antarctic Peninsula would say something like, "I'm proud of you, care to sit awhile."
• But it was too late.
• The ice shelf just said "Can I borrow the car?"
• But even as the ice shelf drove away, he thought "I wanna be just like the Antarctic Peninsula one day."
• Years passed and the Antarctic Peninsula retired.
• One day, the Antarctic Peninsula called the ice shelf and asked the ice shelf to come over.
• But the ice shelf said it was too busy with its new job and its ice floes had the flu.
• But the ice shelf said "It's been nice talking to you."
• And then the Antarctic Peninsula hung up the phone and realized his ice shelf had grown up to be just like him.

Let It Be Known!

Hear ye! Hear ye! Gentle readers! Gentle readers and friends! Gentle readers, friends and fellow patriots, I call upon you to listen to what I am about to tell you!

I come before you today to express something of vital importance to all mankind. The evil that men do lives after them - the good is oft interred with their bones.

A noble man once offered an idea so right, so true and just that it cannot be ignored. That one evil committed by man is so vile and so disgraceful that it must be banned in every quarter and every valley, in every hamlet and every village.

It is a crime so egregious that it violates all mores of modern civilization. An act so offensive it tears at the very fabric of our society and our world.

The evil that I speak is not murder. No. It is not thievery nor envy nor the sin of pride. The evil I speak is dudes that wear thumb rings. They are - you must know - the ultimate sign of douchebaggery.

I call upon you, gentle readers, friends and fellow patriots to rid the world of this evil in our lifetime. Let it be known, that men who wear thumb rings will not stand and shall not stand.

God bless us all! 

My Resume.

Click the picture for a closer look.

I'm job hunting, but all my leads are drying up with this resume. Any advice or constructive criticism to improve this resume is greatly appreciated!

Change We Can Bleed In.

Hey! Vote for Nora O'Sullivan (pictured) for Fangoria Magazine's Weekend of Horrors Spokesmodel. Click the link, scroll down until you see her and vote. Unlike her competition, Nora isn't a professional model - just a fan of the slasher flicks Fangoria is known for. 

Nora is the daughter of noted blogger, Bubs. He's a cop and he will arrest you and slash your tires if you don't vote for her. And I'll watch him do it and just shake my head and say something like "It's a real shame you didn't vote for Nora."

In case you haven't voted yet, vote here.

Sweden Grants Same-Sex Marriages.

Sweden became the fifth European country to allow gay marriages on Wednesday, granting those partnerships the same rights as heterosexuals.

Grant Miller Media applauds this measure.

For too long, same-sex couples in Sweden were denied  many basic rights others took for granted. Sweden first recognized civil unions in 1994, but allowing for same-sex marriages ends years of discrimination.

Grant Miller Media has long supported the Swedish gay community, particularly its lesbian community. I was incredibly happy to learn of Wednesday's decision and could only imagine how same-sex couples in Sweden reacted to the news. Particularly, lesbian couples.

I first learned of the Swedish lesbian community as a teenager. Ever since I've been preoccupied with their struggle for equal rights and remained abreast of their plight.

Although I live in America, I try to connect with Swedish lesbians on a regular basis. I often scour the Internet for any information related to Swedish lesbians or bisexuals. Swedish bisexual women, that is.

I've also donated generously to several independent films on the subject of Swedish lesbians. Although Wednesday's ruling gives them equal status, Grant Miller Media will continue to closely monitor the Swedish lesbian community.

Additionally, Grant Miller Media supports a proposal to allow polyamorous same-sex marriages in Sweden. Although such a measure has not been proposed in Sweden, it should be. Especially if it involves granting marriage rights to three or more Swedish lesbians.

Grant Miller Media urges other countries - particularly like Asian countries or something - to grant similar rights to same-sex unions. Especially lesbian unions.

Spring is Finally Here!

For some, the first sign of spring are trees covered in new buds. Others embrace the new season when they hear birds chirping or see flowers beginning to bloom.

Those in colder climates might just be happy the sun sets a little later each day. For sports fans, the sounds of baseball and spring training are a welcome relief after months burrowed indoors. And who doesn't love to see little ducklings taking that first spring splash?

Each are a sure sign that winter's icy grip is loosened and spring is in the air.

But for me, nothing says "Spring has sprung!" like the day Nicor resumes shutting off heat for deadbeat homeowners.

In Illinois, gas companies can't shut off your heat during winter - even if you don't pay. Once the temperature hits 32 degrees you're safe - Nicor can't do a thing.

But finally on April 1 every year, gas technicians awaken from their winter hibernation and begin the seasonal process of cutting off deadbeats. Within days, the technicians will shut off heat for thousands of delinquent accounts in annual rite of spring.

And for me, nothing says spring more than knowing my neighbor can't afford to heat his home.

FYI

If you're on Twitter, I will be updating there throughout the day from the G20 summit in London.