Am I Right, Folks????

Can you believe that taxpayers - like me!!! - gave the banks nearly a trillion dollars??? A trillion dollars!

But would it kill them to put out some coffee and cookies in the lobby??? Am I right, folks???

Who are these clowns kidding? I dunno, but I ain't laughing. Trust me, there are plenty of other banks that would be more than happy to do business with yours truly, Stash Bednarik.

Oh and what about that lady in Pennsylvania who kidnapped her own kid - her own kid!!! She even called the cops and said she was trapped in a car trunk. But you know where she was? Do you know where she was? You're not going to believe it.

Disney World!!!

Can you believe that??? Faked the whole thing. Her family is frantic up in Pennsylvania and she's on some merry-go-round in Florida. Jeez!

Hey, here's a commercial for ya: "You just kidnapped your own kid, what are you gonna do? I'm goin' to Disney Land!!!"

Oh brother.

Or what about that fat cat they found in Washington - no not those fat cats, smart guy!!! I mean a real fat cat - 31 pounds!!! Thirty one pounds!!! Somebody just brought it into the Humane Society. What'd they use, a crane???!!!

Yeah, the cat didn't have a tag and they couldn't find the owners. Hey, I'll tell ya where the owners are - they're in the cat's stomach!!!

Jesus.

Stash Bednarik is a lifelong nudist and resident of Whiting, Indiana. He is the newest intern at Grant Miller Media and completing a degree at Phoenix University. His column, "Am I right, Folks???" appears on Thursdays.

How Well Do You Know King Kong? Take the Grant Miller Media Quiz and Find Out!

1. What is King Kong's middle name?

a) He doesn't have one.

b) Kongchu.

c) Konghasa.

d) Tim.

2. King Kong + a bottle of champagne =

a) Fun.

b) Good times.

c) Karaoke.

d) The destruction Midtown Manhattan.

3. Before moving to Skull Island, King Kong lived in:

a) Dinosaur Island.

b) Shipwreck Cove.

c) Inaccessible Land.

d) Schaumburg.

4. King Kong once had a naughty dream about:

a) Naomi Watts.

b) Jessica Lange.

c) Fay Wray.

d) Squeezing his banana.

5. What does King Kong like doing at parties?

a) Scaling the walls.

b) Tossing cars from the roof.

c) Leaving early to destroy the neighborhood.

d) Playing Pictionary.

6. King Kong only wears sunglasses made by what company?

a) D&G

b) Persol

c) Oakley

d) Ray Banana

7. King Kong thinks Sarah Palin is:

a) The future of the Republican party.

b) Not ready for the national stage - yet.

c) A smart, reasonable politician.

d) Totally fucking apeshit.

8. King Kong's biggest pet peeve is:

a) When people ask to see his "Eighth Wonder of the World" - like he hasn't heard that joke enough!!!

b) Blimps - they give him gas!!

c) People confusing him with Peter Jackson.

d) People who say "To make a long story short..."

9. Not many people know King Kong is:

a) Scared of heights.

b) Diabetic.

c) Illiterate.

d) Quarter Swedish.

10. Even fewer people know King Kong:

a) Briefly dated Naomi Watts.

b) Quit show business to get into banana commodities.

c) Knows all the words to "Radar Love."

d) All of the above.

"D" is the correct answer for each question.

Italy May Accept Gitmo Detainees.

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi said this week that his country may take some detainees from the U.S. military detention facility at Guantanamo Bay. The U.S. has come under international scrutiny for "enhanced interrogation" techniques some consider torture. However, Italian military is known for similarly harsh techniques. They include:

• Using Velveeta cheese in detainee cannolis.
• Substituting marinara with Hunt's ketchup in pasta dishes.
• Unlimited bread sticks and salad from Olive Garden.
• Giving prisoners shoes made of cheap, substandard leather and sunglasses bought from Walgreens.
• Issuing badly tailored, ill-fitting and passe prisoner uniforms.
• Subjecting detainees to repeated performances of Verdi's "Rigoletto."
• Forcing prisoners to watch "The Godfather: Part III."
• Playing the constant sweet purr of a Ferrari 250 GTO with a V12 engine over loudspeakers all day.

Ca. Supremes Come Out Against Gay Marriage.

The California Supreme Court on Tuesday proved versatile - simultaneously upholding a ban on same-sex marriages while acknowledging the legality of the 18,000 performed before the law took effect.

Consenters topped dissenters 6-to-1 in the landmark decision. The state briefly experimented with same-sex marriage last year when the Republican dominated court voted 4-3 in favor of gay marriage in May. 

But in November, California voters barely backed Proposition 8 - a measure that provided only heterosexual marriages be recognized by the state. 

Tuesday's decision curiously allows for Pre-Prop gay marriages to stand but forbids similar Post-Prop unions. Opponents said the proposition unfairly cut rights guaranteed in the state constitution. Tuesday's decision said those rights were uncut.

Grant Miller Media disagrees with the court's decision. That is, Grant Miller Media supports gay marriage.

Blurbs.

Feel free to use any of these blurbs for your Website, book, independent film, novella, travel brochure, leftist weekly newspaper or Euro-Disco album:

• "....I never thought my parakeet could read. This Website showed me how!" Grant Miller Media Reviews.
• "...A farcical romp through contemporary mores! An absolute must!" Grant Miller Media Reviews.
• "...The most important written account of Christendom since the Bible..." Grant Miller Media Reviews.
• "...Prompt payment and easy shipping. A++++..." Grant Miller Media Reviews.
• "...Finally a travel brochure that makes me want to visit North Korea..." Grant Miller Media Reviews.
• "...A Magna Carta for the 21st Century and beyond..." Grant Miller Media Reviews.
• "...Reminiscent of Jane Austen's work if Jane Austen was in to mixed martial arts and listened to Slipknot..." Grant Miller Media Reviews.
• "...If you like long, drawn out sentences that seem to ramble on endlessly about inane topics, this is for you..." Grant Miller Media Reviews.
• "...A leftist newspaper that is published once a week..." Grant Miller Media Reviews.
• "...A fantastical weaver of words the likes of which the world has never seen..." Grant Miller Media Reviews.

Hawaii Beach Named Best in U.S.

Hanalei Beach in Hawaii was named the best beach in the United States in annual survey conducted by Florida International University Laboratory for Coastal Research. Other studies conducted by the institution include:

• "Salt or Sugar-Rimmed: A Meta-Analysis of the Margarita 1982 to 2000."
• "Normative Concepts Related to Lost Shakers of Salt."
• "Performance Contours of SPF 20 or Higher."
• "Epistemological Repercussions of Blaming a Woman or The Self."
• "The Profound Meaning of People Magazine."
•  "A Straussian Analysis of Girls Going Wild in Cabo."
• "Coagulative Derma Loss in Pasty White Males."
• "A Holistic Evaluation on Decreasing Thong Sizes on European Males on North American Beaches."

"Daddy, Daddy! My Favorite Blog is Gone!"

The kids came home from school yesterday and immediately Allison ran upstairs to her computer. After awhile, I knocked on her door.

"Allison, don't you have homework to do? You've been on that computer for an hour," I said. 

"Dad, could you come in here? My computer isn't working," she said.

"What seems to be the problem, Allison?"

"Well, whenever I log onto my favorite blog - Save This Generation - it says it's only open to invited readers. Why wouldn't Pistols at Dawn invite me?"

Her eyes filled with tears and I could tell she was heart broken.

"Allison, how about you and I go for a walk," I said.

We walked to a nearby park, hand in hand, and discussed the crazy world we live in.

"Allison, do know what it means when a blog goes on hiatus?"

"Hiatus? What's that mean?"

"Well, it's when a blogger just feels burnt out and wants to take a break from blogging. Sometimes it's for a few weeks sometimes it's for years. It all depends."

"Is that what happened to Pistols at Dawn? Did he go on hi...hi...."

"Hiatus. Yes, Pistols at Dawn is on hiatus."

Immediately, Allison ran from me and yelled "I hate you daddy, I hate you!"

I caught up with her sitting on a park bench. "I'm sorry daddy, I didn't mean it."

"I know, Allison. You were upset. We all get upset when our favorite blogs go on hiatus."

"But Save This Generation was different, dad. It was my favorite blog. I don't think I'll ever read another blog again."

"Allison, don't ever say that. That's an awful thing to say. I didn't raise you to be a quitter. Now I want you to go home and find some new blogs - blogs just as good as Save This Generation. Maybe there are some quilting blogs you could read. Or a blog with cat pictures. You like cats, right? Now come on, let's get home and start reading the blogosphere."

The End.

How to Use Almost Any 35mm Film Camera.

Although it seems digital cameras are everywhere, many experienced photographers, specialists and hobbyists still prefer the "obsolete" 35mm film camera.

To the novice, these cameras may appear unwieldy. But after learning the basics - using one is a snap. Here are a few important things to know before getting behind a 35 mm camera:

• The tripod: Tripods balance cameras for clearer shots. But they're difficult to install in ceiling tiles or behind bathroom fans. Instead use duct tape to secure your camera in place.
• The shutter: The shutter is the part over the lens that produces the audible snap when taking a picture. It is vitally important to silence this mechanism so it does not disturb your subject or ruin your photo's candidness. Equip the camera with a silencer or pack it in sound proofing to minimize distractions. 
• The flash: The flash illuminates a photo if the ambient lighting is too dark. Since it may startle your subjects or draw unwanted attention be sure to remove the flash before using the camera. Use a night vision lens and film instead.
• The remote trigger: It's not easy to get the great pictures every time - photographers often place themselves in harm's way for the perfect photo. Luckily, remote triggers make your life easier by allowing you to take photos from anywhere you place your camera. Now you can take pictures from those hard to reach places like bathroom ceilings, closet ceilings, communal showers or confessionals.

Bad Pick Up Lines.

• Was your father a thief? I was just asking because mine was a convicted sex offender and I thought maybe they knew each other.
• Was your father a thief? Because I think those people deserve the electric chair - eye for an eye is what I say.
• Was your father a thief? Did he ever do time? Is it like how they do it on "Oz" and stuff?
• If I told you you had a great body would you give me some pointers on better exercise techniques and dieting?
• If I told you you had a great body would you talk to my wife she's been looking for a personal trainer and you look pretty healthy.
• Your dad must have been a baker because you look like you know a lot of good cookie recipes.
• Do you come here often and if so what route do you take home?
• Can I buy you a drink? You look dehydrated and exhausted.
• Haven't I seen you someplace before? Like at the meeting for recovering heroin sex addicts?
• How about we go back to my place and look at my Advanced Dungeons and Dragons dice?
• Am I dreaming or did you just eat my giant marshmallow?
• I think of you with every sunrise and dream of you every night. And each and every day I long for the moment when you are finally mine, all mine. Then and only then will I be complete.
• Am I in heaven? Because you look just like my aunt Pam who died in 2005 from type 2 diabetes. I hope you don't have that, too.
• Do you believe in love at first sight or are you like blind or something?
• I feel like Richard Gere because I stuck a gerbil up my behind before I came here. Have you ever tried that?

A Lame English Major Joke.

• A 2,600-page report detailing ongoing corporal punishment in Irish Catholic schools was released on Wednesday. Can you imagine a report that's 2,600 pages long? Who was it written by? James Joyce? 

Microsoft to Unveil "Kumo" Search Engine.

Microsoft is expected to unveil its new search engine - code-named "Kumo" - next week at an industry conference. Executives hope the new product will compete with Google and Yahoo. Here's a look at some of its features:

• Better organized results, minimizing time users spend looking for porn.
• Greater specificity when searching the Internet for ex-girlfriends, their addresses, phone numbers and pictures.
• Results are grouped by category. For example, a search for "leather chaps" could direct users to pictures of leather chaps, discussion groups for leather chap enthusiasts and videos of sinewy men in leather chaps.
• Search results are user-specific, meaning Bill Gates will know you're into some really fucked up shit.
• Semantic search capabilities to minimize time spent looking for fellow furry lovers.
• An ability to decipher a user's language to gear results to his or her needs. Asking "Should I shave south of the equator" finds results on Brazilian waxes.
• Filters to keep your family safe from softcore pornography.

Una Lettera Aperta a Italiano First Lady, Veronica Lario.

Mio Caro Amore,

Sono rattristato per apprendere del tuo imminente il divorzio dal Primo Ministro Italiano Berlusconi. Sei una bella donna con molti anni di sensuale amorevole di fronte a voi. E 'la sua perdita, il mio amore dolce dolce!

In questo momento di dolore, non esitare a contattarmi per il sostegno o compagnia. Siete sempre I benvenuti al mio Illinois villa!

Se si decide a farmi visita in Illinois, forse sarà il prossimo tour periferia occidentale di Chicago. Molti di questi piccoli villaggi sono stati ancora una volta enclave Italiana da eseguire completamente mobsters. Alcuni sono ancora. So che queste città bene e sentirsi a casa. Vorrei farvi sentire a casa, anche!

E, magari, si può andare per qualche pizza o gelato e fare cose un po 'l'italiano, prima di tornare alla tua camera d'albergo!

Sarebbe cool!

Addio mia bella calda sexy amore,

Grant Miller, Esq.

Grant Miller Media Calls For AT&T Boycott Over Offensive Ad.

The following is an open letter to AT&T CEO Randall Stephenson:

Dear Mr. Stephenson,

The undersigned urge you cease airing the above television commercial known as "Falling for You."

It is deeply offensive since it causes viewers to get a little choked up when aired. This is uncalled for. With its sensitive acoustic music and clips of an adorable couple separated by distance, but kept in touch via your services - the commercial is almost too sensitive and sweet to bear.

And finally, when the guy texts a picture of his girlfriend as he walks up behind her? She runs to his welcoming arms as the commercial ends. We, the undersigned, do not need this type of sensitivity and emotion bringing us to tears every time we turn on the television.

Additionally, the commercial implies all men should do something sweet and sensitive for their significant others, placing undue pressure on the undersigned to live up to the commercial's adorable appeal. This is too great a burden for the undersigned.

We the undersigned will stage a full boycott of your services until this commercial is taken off the air.

Sincerely,

The Undersigned

Lesser Known "Night at the Museum" Films.

• "Night at the Holocaust Museum."
• "Night at the Modern Art Museum: A 13-hour Documentary by Avant Garde Director Ken Jacobs."
• "Night at the Museum Gift Shop."
• "Night at the Gerald Ford Birthplace Visitor's Center."
• "Night at the American Bowling Congress
• "Night at the Delaware Capital Museum."
• "Night at the Kansas Science Museum."
• "Night at the Insurance Hall of Fame."
• "Night on the Lake Champlain Maritime Museum Web Site."
• "Night Passed Out on the Hollywood Walk of Fame."
• "Night at the Adult Children of Alcoholics Museum."
• "Night at the Museum Museum."

"Exclusively Yours."

My friend, Mike Finch, is a film director. His first movie, "Exclusively Yours," opens at 8 p.m. tonight at Chicago Filmmakers, 5243 N. Clark St. If the trailer is any indication, it should be pretty funny. The Chicago Sun-Times said the film packs "skewed originality."

I previously posted a video he made for the band Pinback.

Torture Photos.

President Obama backtracked on promises to release torture photos from Iraq, noting the pictures could "inflame anti-American" sentiment in Arab world. These graphic photos, leaked to Grant Miller Media by sources deep within the CIA, NSA and Interpol, show the methods interrogators used used to obtain detainee information: 

The man in the middle is too tortured to be photographed.

Sensitivity torture caused by overexposure to Morrissey.

A detainee suffering from Enormous Glasses torture.

Torture caused by extremely bad hair.

The kneeling man is torturing onlookers with his acid-washed jeans.

A detainee after years of torture.

"Lost" Season Finale.

I know the "Lost" season finale was last night. I know, I know, I know! But I haven't seen it yet, so don't tell me what happens!!

Also, don't tell me what happens in the previous four or five seasons - I haven't seen those either! And definitely don't tell me what happens in the first few episodes and how they explain the rest of the story, because I totally missed the first couple seasons. And the third season, also.

And please, please, please don't offer theories on the symbolism and re-occuring themes throughout the show's history. I'd much rather form my own opinions before getting into any of those conversations.

In fact, just don't talk to me about "Lost," because honestly, I don't care.

I can hardly sit still through "60 Minutes" or Letterman and those are my all-time favorite shows. How can you expect me to watch a drama - a television drama no less - where no one knows what's going on? I can barely muster the required empathy to keep track of the lives of my friends and family. Fictional characters would only confuse me more.

Obsession With Naked Women Dates Back 35,000 Years.

Archaeologists recently discovered what may be the oldest known sculpture of a human - an ivory statue of a naked woman dating back 35,000 years. Cambridge scientists say the discovery shows men have been obsessed with sex for at least 35,000 years. Other discoveries at the archaeological site include:

• Three other ivory carvings - one of a football, another of a television remote and one of Spuds MacKenzie, the Ultimate Party Animal.
• A series of symbols, written on tortoise shells, that archaeologists believe translate to "Man Laws" and may be the earliest legal documents ever discovered.
• A primitive cave drawing of a Camaro.
• Hieroglyphics that roughly translate to "Chillax, bro."
• A kickass stereo.
• A subscription insert for Maxim.
• An ancient oil lamp filled with Axe Body Spray.
• A complex series of cave drawings explaining the BCS ranking system.
• An abacus containing Madonna's phone number.
• A shroud containing an image of a tiger.

FDA Warns Clowns, Mimes of Recall.

The FDA on Tuesday announced the recall of face paints. Those most at risk include:

• Clowns
• Sad clowns
• Scary clowns
• Rodeo clowns
• Carnies
• Mimes
  
• Trannies
• Rabid sports fans
• Anyone who comes in contact with these people

Five 'Must-Sees' in Wisconsin.

Wisconsin is Illinois' shithole. As everyone in Illinois knows, Wisconsinites are literally the scum of the Earth, the most wretched, depraved people the world will ever know. Most are in-bred cretins barely capable of human interaction. The rest are child molesters.

But even Wisconsin has its redeemable qualities. If you're visiting the Land of Cheese this summer, be sure to check out these five attractions while there:

1. General Mitchell Airport, Milwaukee: The airport is the quickest and easiest way out of godforsaken Wisconsin. Every traveler to Wisconsin should have a solid escape plan to leave this backwater as quickly as possible. Flights from Milwaukee to Chicago take under an hour and cost less than $200. That may sound steep, but it's better than staying in Wisconsin.
2. Kenosha: The best thing about this city is its proximity to Lake Michigan and the Illinois border. When visiting, be sure to look for the quickest way south out of town. You may even consider swimming along the lakefront until you reach the safety of Illinois waters.
3. Interstate 90: This is a useful highway that can take travelers from Boston to Seattle. Unfortunately, 187 miles of it pass through Wisconsin.
4. Madison: This great college town is home to the University of Wisconsin and supports a lively campus and nightlife. But what makes Madison special is that students and faculty come from all over and are not your typical podunk Wisconsinites.
5. Illinois: Perhaps Wisconsin's greatest feature is its southern border with Illinois. The Land of Lincoln is a beautiful state filled with kind, brilliant, handsome people - not those punkasses in Wisconsin.

What is Summer Blend Gas?

American drivers soon will pay more per gallon as fuel companies begin the annual switch to a smog-reducing summer blend gasoline. Here are a few ways summer blend gasoline differs from regular fuel:

• Refined from malted wheat, lemon zest and grains of paradise.
• Has a straw gold color and light body.
• Comprised of the choicest hops.
• Is light, refreshing and crisp.
• Sweeter than most gasolines and nicely accented with a lemon slice.
• Many have subtle hints of apricot, orange or coriander.
  
• Goes well with summer salads, seafoods or barbecues.
• Perfect for sipping on a back deck on a long summer afternoon.

Arnold Calls For Study of Drug Laws.

Last week, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenneger urged state officials to review how other countries adapted after legalizing or marijuana. Here's a brief summary of countries with legalized marijuana and measures taken following its decriminalization:

• Argentina: Decriminalized personal and medicinal use in 1999. In 2000, Argentine officials reorganized its military into a giant drum circle.
• Australia: Legalized in 2002. Later that year, Former Australian Prime Minister John Howard went through a phase where all he listened to was didgeridoo music.
• Belgium: Decriminalized in 2003. In 2004, the Belgium parliament spent $40 billion re-organizing it's record collection by color and genre.
• Canada: Legalized for medicinal use and tolerated for other purposes: Is well known for adding back bacon to pizza.
• Chile: Decriminalized in 1994. After participating in soccer's World Cup for decades, the national team was disbanded in 1995 to concentrate efforts on hacky sack.
• Jamaica: Marijuana is illegal, but widely used and tolerated. The island nation developed reggae music.
• Poland: Due to a typo that's never been corrected, Poland has some of the toughest anti-"pod" laws on the books. But nothing on marijuana.
• Spain: Privately tolerated though officially illegal. More easily tolerated when coupled with a helping of churros and chocolate sauce.

A Lame Journalism Joke.

• An American journalist, jailed for four months after an Iranian court found her guilty of spying, was freed on Monday. Iranian officials let her go after realizing being a journalist in America was punishment enough.

The Worst, Most Offensive Thing You Could Ever Say To Someone.

Dear Readers,

What you are about to read is the cruelest, most vicious and meanest insult anyone could ever say to another person. Use it only as a last resort as the pain it inflicts lasts a lifetime:

"There is a special level of hell that is so deep, so low and so evil that it is reserved for two people - you and Billy Bush."

Please use this carefully.

Sincerely,

Grant Miller, Esq.

Two Lame Jokes.

• Government officials recently opened to tourists an area in Nevada known as the "most bombed place in the world." Unfortunately, many were surprised to learn the area was not Amy Winehouse's vag.
• What's the deal with these cars with GPS devices? I don't need a GPS device for my car - I need one for my car keys!!! I'm sorry, somehow an Erma Bombeck joke got in here. I apologize for any pain it may have caused.

Happy Mother's Day.

Dear Readers,

Grant Miller Media wishes moms everywhere a very happy and joyous Mother's Day.

Especially Reese Witherspoon.

Sincerely,

Grant Miller, Esq.

The Most and Least Common Search Words Used to Find Grant Miller Media.

The Most Common:

1. who's gay in hollywood
2. samantha brown nude
3. milton berle penis
4. scat blogspot
5. lame knock knock jokes
6. grant miller
7. tattoo phrases
8. waterboarding jokes
9. lame jokes
10. grant miller media

The Least Common:

1. in sest my granny and me
2. erotic dwarfism
3. when a mans penis is too big for a womens
4. what to do when accidentally pressing a panic button in a jewelry store
5. "you called my mother"
6. causes of dead daniel baldwin
7. when spouse sucks the life out of you
8. leg pain while shitting
9. men fucking animals xrated
10. panda fetishist

Random Song on My iPod.

1. "Seven Days" by Frank Black. This is one of those songs I almost always skip over. Don't know why, but I do.
2. "Cliche" by Sebadoh. Sebadoh are completely hit and miss. This is a miss.
3. "Enjoy the Silence" by Depeche Mode. It took me several years, decades, to acknowledge I sometimes like Depeche Mode.
4. "Caribou" by The Pixies. Is it possible to over-listen to a band? If so, I think I've over-listened to The Pixies.
5. "Hello Little Girl" by The Beatles. Everyone fawns over how good The Beatles later stuff was - Sgt. Pepper's etc. I tend to think their early stuff was equally amazing.
6. "Masochism World" by Husker Du. Great song, great album.
7. "Target" by Husker Du. Great live album, okay song.
8. "Do the Clam" by The Cramps. From one of the best live albums ever, "RockinnReelininAucklandNewZealandXXX."
9. "All-o-Gistics" by The Descendents. An annoying song off an otherwise great live album.
10. "Hope" by the Descendents. Quite possibly the best California, 1980s punk song ever. 

Advice From My Mom.

Mother's Day is Sunday. Although she died years ago, I think of my mom daily. She wasn't perfect - far from it. But she had a folksy personality and was quick with advice or suggestions on life. Here are a few of her more famous - or infamous - sayings:

• "Don't trust foreigners" (I should mention my mom was a big time racist. Sorry, if I didn't make that clear before).
• "It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, asshole." (I also should note my mother opposed same-sex marriages. Again, my apologies).
• "Any woman with tattoos on her boobs is a slut." (Perhaps I didn't explain this earlier, but my mother had a very old fashioned view on body modification).
• "Speak English, amigo!" (Again, I didn't take all her advice. This is just how she was).
• "Menthol cigarettes? I didn't send you to the store to get me menthol cigarettes, you asshole."  (Like I said, my mom had a very folksy personality).
• "Somebody's stealing my money. Grant, are you stealing my money?" (My mom had a great and ironic sense of humor, really, I mean that).
  
• "Your girlfriends are little hussies, with their short skirts and showing off their hineys, they should be ashamed of themselves." (My mom could be a little protective sometimes).
• "Get back here and comb your mother's hair. Every boy loves combing his mother's hair, goddamnit." (My mom was a classy lady who took appearances seriously).
• "No you can't use the car tonight. I got my bingo tonight. Now you get back in there and wash those dishes, goddamnit, Grant Miller." (In today's terms, my mother would be considered a gamer).

Least Popular Baby Names For 2008.

Emma and Jacob are the most popular names for girls and boys according to data released Friday by the Social Security Administration.

The least popular names are:

For girls:

1. Lexxxie
2. Lolita
3. Vodka
4. Menage
5. Qwerty
6. Grantina
7. Emmilie
8. Night Train
9. Octobaby
10. Tammy

For boys:

1. Fagatini
2. The Fonz
3. Mork
4. Queef Bait
5. Uma Turdman
6. PT Cruiser
7. Ol' Dirty Bastard
8. Jabroni
9. Kitty
10. Mr. Roboto

The Next Pandemic.

Although last week's swine flu panic is over, a new and equally deadly pandemic could be just around the corner.

The disease is called mime flu. I know this because I was stricken with the virus this week and was unable to post updates for two days.

The virus remains in its early stages, but doctors believe it could potentially silence millions worldwide. They urge extreme precautions to prevent a catastrophic outbreak.

Symptoms include an inability to speak, an almost deathly pallor with extremely red lips and expressive circles around the eyes. Doctors suggest mime flu sufferers should wear all black to better conserve body heat. Those not considered contagious should stand on busy city corners drawing attention to their disease by seeking donations through whimsical street theater.

Those stricken with the contagious virus should be quarantined in invisible glass boxes. Although they may attempt to flee the invisible box, they must remain trapped despite their silent pleas and sad grimaces.

If Henny Youngman Was Still Alive.

What's all this talk about same sex marriage? My wife and I have been having the same sex for years...

Fact.

Today is the first time Cinco de Mayo has fallen on Taco Tuesday since 1968. The next time calenders will align for the two holidays is 2023. 

I Know Someone Who Would Make a Great Supreme Court Judge - An Open Letter From Illinois Senator Dick Durbin.

President Obama has a lot on his mind right now - the economy, swine flu and wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Plus, he needs to replace Supreme Court justice David Souter. That's a lot for anyone.

But I can help - I know the perfect person to fill Justice Souter's vacancy!

I'm sure the president wants someone with a shrewd legal mind who understands the complexities of our federal laws. Since I was passed over for the vice presidency and cabinet, I've had time to brush up with some old law books. There's some really fascinating stuff in there.

I even hang out at the law library at night. Sure, it sounds dull, but there's a little coffee machine in the basement where us regulars get together and just shoot the breeze after a long day. Granted, they're college students and I'm powerful Senate leader, but some of them think I should be named to the Supreme Court.

Can you believe that? Justice Dick Durbin? Crazy, I know. What do you expect of college students?

Besides, who'd want a guaranteed job for life? Not me. I would never want a job for life, especially one that pays more with summers off.

President Obama probably wants someone who'll breeze through the senate confirmation. Maybe he should pick someone they know and look up to. Maybe even a current senator.

Did you know I graduated at the top of my class at Georgetown Law? That's the same school Chief Justice Roberts taught at. We're always talking about the Hoyas. We're pretty close, Johnny and me.

A lot of people think President Obama should select a woman or a minority for the vacancy. That'd be great, I think.

But you know, Justice Souter is a man and not a minority and everything works just fine. So maybe, the president should play it safe and chose a white guy again. Just a thought.

Others suspect the president will stick to his Chicago roots and pick someone he knows. If so, I'm sure I could find someone - I'm a native Illinoisan and have represented the fine people of Chicago for years. No one knows this state like me. I'm sure the president would trust my judgement on this.

Even though he passed me over for the vice presidency and cabinet.

Never Forget.

George Peppard

1928 - 2009

Al Qaeda Used Hotmail.

Following the 9/11 attacks, several high-level Al Qaeda operatives used Microsoft's Hotmail to plan future attacks. Federal court documents obtained by Grant Miller Media list the following Al Qaeda Hotmail accounts:

• secsiibeard69
• toraborahotti420
• osamabingettinlaid
• lonelyinkabul
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• M4WWWWWW69
• 911mastermind69
• horniiicaveman
• crazedislamicterrorist
• xoxojihadixoxo
• beardboiiii420
• sexiundermyburqa
• archuleta4eva 

Most and Least Common Search Words Used to Find Grant Miller Media.

The Most Common:

1. milton berle penis
2. samantha brown nude
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4. lame jokes
5. grant miller
6. scat blogspot
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The Least Common:

1. list of everyone who's ever been gay in hollywood
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Random Songs on My iPod.

1. "We Dance Alone" by Beck. I'm not really sure why but I don't really listen to Beck much anymore, but I still buy his records as soon as they come out.
2. "Ole Mulholland" by Frank Black. An okay song from an okay album. But the album cover is one of the best ever.
3. "You Don't Mess Around With Jim" by Jim Croce. I was on a pretty big Jim Croce kick a month or so back. I even considered growing a big 1970s stache like him. But I didn't.
4. "Up in the Sky" by Oasis. I can play this on guitar. Kind of.
5. "In Love This Way" by The Descendents. A sweet punker song. Maybe too sweet.
6.  "Baltimore" by Stephen Malkmus. The best song about the Monument City I own.
7. "The Hanging Garden" by The Cure. My wife is a recovering goth. It's pretty funny.
8. "Stir it Up" by Bob Marley and the Wailers. Before we went to Jamaica last year, I downloaded a ton of reggae music. Big mistake. First, reggae is all you hear in Jamaica so no need to bring it from home. Secondly, I don't really like reggae music - I only need maybe "Legend" some stuff from the Skatalites and some John Holt and I'm good. But I have 20 albums and 259 reggae songs on my iPod. Luckily, I kind of like this song. But some of the other reggae songs on here just give me a headache.
9. "Another Sunny Day" by Belle and Sebastian. An obscenely catchy song. I'll be whistling this tune all weekend.
10. "Ice Age" by Joy Division. I haven't seen that movie about Joy Division that came out last year. I probably never will, but I guess I'd like to see it.

David Souter's Retirement Plans.

• Alpaca farming.
• Binge drinking.
• Gettin' crazy freaky.
• Robe model.
• Authoring a gossipy, steamy tell-all-book about the sexual tension between justices Antonin Scalia and Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
• Tinkering with his NBA fantasy team, "The Supremest Court."
• Hooking up with hotties on Craigslist.
• Backpacking in Europe for a semester.
• Pimping his MySpace.
• Pounding the gavel, if you know what I mean.
• Making a bet with his Supreme Court buddies that they'll all get laid this summer. Along the way, they'll share some laughs and learn about each other and life.
• Playing bass in his cover band "Dave & the Swingin' Justices."
• Coaching in the Supreme Court farm league.
• Starring in a CourtTV sitcom titled "Souter the Suitor."