Erratic driving
Erotic driving
6.29.2009
Are Transformers Bad Role Models For Other Robots?
Despite less than luke-warm reviews, "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" had a gangbusters opening weekend, netting more than $200 million since its premiere.
But once the explosions have ceased and dust settled, one fact will remain - the Transformers are bad role models for our robots.
Nearly all of the robots in Michael Bay's film are hulking, lubed-up mechanical monstrosities. If they are not dead set on destroying the Earth, they are all too happy to attack one another with an endless series or explosions, lasers and death grips. Many speak in garbled, barely incomprehensible tones and some cannot even read.
It's this type of characterization that hurts the robot community.
For decades, Hollywood has portrayed robots as either comical scraps of steel or mindless killing machines. Finally, when a film like "Wall-E" comes along that portrays the complex relationships between 'droids it's snubbed at Oscar time - robosexualphobia at its worst.
The robots in Michael Bay's new film are nothing like the robots I know. The robots I know are hard-working, devoted and loyal machines. They turn-on in the morning and ask for nothing more than the occasional lubrication and respect.
But movies like Transformers promote a lifestyle so vastly different and truly unattainable for most robots that it robs them of their dignity. How many robots will grow up thinking they too can change into a semi-tractor trailer capable of saving the earth?
These robo-role models also present images that humans are not their friends, but enemies who must be destroyed. As a human, I don't to go down that slippery slope and encourage our robot companions to rise against us. Not even Robocop could protect us from that fate.
It used to be that Hollywood once portrayed robots as helpful companions with only occasionally mischievous - think of R2-D2, C-3PO or Johnny 5. Where are those character-driven robot films of years past?
It's a stereotype that Hollywood is run by aliens with an axe to grind against robots. I never believed it. But after viewing the caricatures in the new Transformers film, I'm beginning to have my doubts.
Where Have You Gone, Crazed Lunatics?
Bernard Madoff was sentenced to 150 years in prison today and that's great. The whole episode is a stain in American history.
Not because he scammed thousands out of billions. Not because he stole from charities, Holocaust survivors and universities. Not because he clearly took a dive to save others from certain jail time. And not because federal regulators let the entire scam go on far too long.
The episode is a stain because there was no Sirhan Sirhan for Bernard Madoff.
I watched on TV a few months ago as Madoff made the perp walk into the federal courthouse in Manhattan. I turned to my wife and said "This is going to be huge - mark my words - he's not making it through those doors alive. He's gonna get shot, stabbed or something."
Madoff bounded up the sidewalk, up the stairs, federal agents on either side. Within 10 seconds he was safe and in the courthouse. My heart literally sank.
I'm neither a gun-owner nor a gun control advocate. I'm precisely in the middle on gun rights, mainly because I don't know enough about the issue. But that day, when Bernard Madoff walked into the courthouse to admit guilt for robbing investors, couldn't one crazed lunatic have at least taken a shot?
Sirhan Sirhans of the world, where the fuck did you go?
And I'm not some blood thirsty, pro-death penalty zealot. I'm not. Quite the opposite. But if there's one guy who truly deserved it - who even admitted to his crimes - it was Bernard Madoff.
Why is it that we can find crazed lunatics to kill Presidents Lincoln and Kennedy, Robert Kennedy, Martin Luther King, John Lennon but not Bernard Madoff?
What is wrong with you crazed lunatics? You're going after the wrong people!
Rhode Island Closer to Changing State Name.
Rhode Island lawmakers are considering a proposal to change the state's official name and break ties some connect with slavery. The state's official name is "State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations." Here are some of the names under consideration:
- Tiny.
- Biggie Smalls.
- I Am a Rock I Am Rhode Island.
- RI Diddy.
- Beth.
- O(+>
- Magnum RI
- East Connecticut.
- South Massachusetts.
- Connectichusetts.
- The Long and Winding Rhode Island.
- Rhode? What Rhode? And Where's the Island...Am I Right Folks?
6.28.2009
The Dullest Story Ever Told, Vol. XVIII
I first visited New York City in 1984. I was 12 and accompanied my mom on a business trip there.
Even as a child, I was fascinated with New York - my mother raised me on a steady diet of Woody Allen movies and with the Yankees legendary history, I was convinced something in the municipal water turned mortals into Hall of Famers.
We flew into LaGuardia and took a cab to the Midtown Hyatt where the conference was being held. Since my mom needed to be up early, we soon went to sleep but I still remember looking out the window as my eyes closed amazed at the sheer size of New York City - it was like nothing I'd ever seen.
The next morning, my mom went to her meetings. She said I could watch TV in the room or go to pool during the day, but absolutely - under no conditions - could I leave the hotel without her.
So I spent the next three days trapped in the hotel as New York City bustled outside. "Rhinestone," starring Sylvester Stallone and Dolly Parton, was playing on Showtime, so I watched that a few times. And when I wasn't doing that, I'd trek to the hotel pool and play with the other unattended kids.
The hotel restaurant waiters got to know me, referring to me as "Mr. Grant" and always having a glass of Ovaltine waiting when I arrived. I was just like "Eloise" but at the Midtown Hyatt, a boy and a devotee of the early theatrical work of Sly Stallone.
"Yep, I'm a real New Yorker now," I thought to myself.
At night, my mom complained of being too tired to go sightseeing, so we'd usually go for dinner at the hotel and I'd tell her about my day.
The conference ended Sunday morning and my mom promised we'd see the sights that day before flying back to O'Hare on Monday afternoon.
We set out to conquer New York.
I Velcroed my KangaROOs, donned my New York Yankees cap and wore t-shirt with an American flag iron on. I gently and proudly placed my Kodak Disc 4000 camera around my neck so I wouldn't lose it in the rough and tumble New York City streets.
My mother got a quick rundown of the subway system from the concierge. I remember the heat beating down on us as we exited the hotel that morning, the sounds of taxis whizzing by and diesel bus fumes filling the air. I loved it.
We walked to a nearby subway station and boarded a train. I'd seen "The Warriors," so I knew trouble lurked everywhere on these subway trains. But I'd taken karate at the Elmhurst Park District and troublemakers could tell I meant business just by looking at me.
After a couple stops, my mom poked me to get off the train.
"This is Times Square," she said.
Instantly, I envisioned old-timey sailors on leave kissing dames beneath enormous, neon signs. I assumed Yankee legends regularly walked the streets, greeting tourists and locals and welcoming everyone to their metropolis. And, who knows, maybe I'd bump into Woody Allen along the way.
Times Square, no doubt, would be the center of my universe, the crossroads of what I was and what I would become. Climbing the stairs as we left the station, the opening strains of Gershwin's "Rhapsody in Blue" filled my mind. This was New York, real New York, and I was right in the middle of it.
On the street, I looked around. Giant parade floats jammed the streets and disco thumped from nearby speakers. The street was covered with confetti, glitter and streamers.
I spotted a team of cops walking the parade route. Except they didn't look like normal cops - they wore leather. Lots of leather. And I think one, maybe all, wore chaps. And they didn't have shirts on beneath their leather jackets.
And instead of carrying guns in their holsters, they carried double-headed dildos.
Evidently, we walked into Times Square during the middle of the Gay Pride Parade. This was my first impression of New York City. And double-headed dildos.
The End.
6.26.2009
Michael Jackson's 911 Transcripts.
Dispatcher: 911. What's your emergency?
Caller: Mama say, Mama sah, Mama Coo Sah!
Dispatcher: Huh?
Caller: Mama say, Mama sah, Mama Coo Sah!
Dispatcher: What?
Caller: Mama say, Mama sah, Mama Coo Sah!
Dispatcher: Huh?
Caller: Mama say, Mama sah, Mama Coo Sah!
Dispatcher: I have no idea what you're saying.
Caller: Mama say, Mama sah, Mama Coo Sah.
Dispatcher: Okay. I have no idea what you're saying, but I'm gonna have that damn rhyme in my head all day now.
Caller: Mama say, Mama sah, Mama Coo Sa. Mama say, Mama sah, Mama Coo Sah. Mama say, Mama sah, mama Coo Sah.
Friends, Loved Ones Quickly Forget Ed McMahon.
Ed McMahon
March 6, 1923 to just before Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson.
With Great Sympathy.
Grant Miller Media extends its deepest sympathies during this time of mourning to Michael Jackson's monkey.
6.25.2009
FTC to Crackdown on Blogs.
The Federal Trade Commission may crackdown on bloggers for false claims or conflicts of interest.
The consumer rights watchdog is expected to approve modified rules governing the blogosphere this summer. At issue are bloggers writing about companies or products in exchange for perks or payments. The FTC already monitors print and broadcast media for similar conflicts of interest.
Grant Miller Media applauds this measure.
Critics of the plan argue FTC oversight will inhibit the free exchange of ideas, debate and general atmosphere of the blogosphere. Some have even threatened to quit blogging or post infrequently.
Grant Miller Media has never taken a dime from any corporate blowhard in exchange for favorable coverage. Not once has Grant Miller Media pandered to the retail plutocracy that permeates every aspect of American life. Grant Miller Media prides itself for offering readers high-minded and unbiased reporting, insightful columnists and stories from around the world that put a human face on the complex issues of the day.
For years, Grant Miller Media has stood as a beacon of independent thought and analysis in the murky Blogosphere Sea.
But that changes now.
Grant Miller Media - once a beacon of independent thought and analysis - would like to inform its readers about a deliciously zippy product - Ore-Ida Zesties! These aren't your father's French fries, - Ore-Ida Zesties! are guaranteed to have more zip and more kick than other leading brand seasoned fries.
If you're looking to spice up a drab meal or jolt your snackatude, try Ore-Ida Zesties! today! They're Zestacular!
Grant Miller Media delivers successful communications for its clients. That was true in the 1940s, when the company was founded and continues today in the complex media landscape you face. Throughout our history, we have focused on making ourselves as valuable to our clients as they are to us.
Headquartered in St. Charles, Illinois, Grant Miller Media is part of the OmnicomGroup Inc., a leading global marketing and corporate communications company. Omnicom's 200-plus family of companies allows us to collaborate with advertising and speciality companies to solve client issues.
6.23.2009
Grant Miller Media: Understanding Libel Laws.
As a former journalist, I'm well versed in libel law. Every word I wrote came under intense scrutiny from a phalanx of well-paid, hot shot LaSalle Street attorneys. Their sharp legal minds scoured my articles, columns and horoscope entries for signs libel, defamation and insider trading.
Sadly, I was forced out of the profession for revealing several sensitive, highly classified national security secrets. Evidently, the big shot lawyers weren't paid to spot those.
But hardly a day passes on the blogosphere without some amateur journalist libeling elected officials, celebrities or even private citizens. This is a dangerous grey area and bloggers need to protect themselves from lawsuits. Here's a primer on some of the main aspects of defamation law:
Slander and Libel
Slander and libel are two types of defamation. Slander generally refers to spoken words. For example, if I go into a crowded theater and loudly announce my former friend and business partner Ernest P. Rosler, 37, of North Aurora, is a "child molester and Nazi" that would constitute slander. I have no concrete facts to back up this assertion and he could sue me for defaming his character.
Now, some may ask why he's my former friend and business partner. I can assure you it has nothing to do with his sexual peccadilloes or reactionary politics. Although, and this is very telling, I would never be friends or business partners with a suspected child molester or Nazi.
I'm simply using Ernest P. Rosler, 37, of North Aurora, Illinois, to explain complex legal ideas and nothing more should be construed or implied. Besides, I'm sure he wouldn't mind being called a child molester and Nazi for such a noble cause. In legal terms, this would be his "consent" which I'm certain he'd give me.
Libel is different from slander in that it focuses primarily on written words. If i write "Ernest P. Rosler, 37, of 1597 Springdale Court, North Aurora, Illinois, is a well-known wife beater with a serious drinking problem" that would be libel and he could sue me for defaming his character.
That's because I have no specific reason to believe he's a "well-known wife beater with a serious drinking problem." However, I could legally protect myself by saying he's an "alleged well-known wife beater with an allegedly serious drinking problem."
Although, he's done nothing to indicate any of this is true, few would be surprised if these alleged facts came to light. See how I slipped "alleged" in there? That protects him from defamation of character and me from a lawsuit. Pretty handy.
Defamation cases hinge on known facts. While the previous accusations I've leveled against my former friend and business partner cannot be legally corroborated, were I to state a well-known and easily provable fact, defamation would be difficult to argue.
For example, if I write "Ernest P. Rosler, 37, of North Aurora, is a con man who cannot be trusted and cheats on his wife and likes the nose candy if you know what I mean" no judge or jury will find me guilty because everyone knows this is true.
Suck it, Ernest P. Rosler!
6.22.2009
Sharks Use Human Methods to Stalk and Hunt.
A study published today in the Journal of Zoology claims sharks use methods similar to humans when stalking or hunting prey. Here are some of the methods sharks were observed using:
- Wearing Axe Body Spray.
- Lots of gold chains all the time.
- Holding cigarettes behind their ears.
- Tattoos.
- Sharkscaping.
- Spikey hair.
- Calling each other "bro."
- Camaros.
- Booze.
- Lying about the size of their fin.
- Gettin' all buff and tan.
- Being sharks.
6.21.2009
Goodbye, Columbus.
I don't often get sensitive here, but today has me thinking of my dad.
We didn't always get along - in a lot of ways we were total opposites.
During the 1980s our differences couldn't have been more obvious - he and my mom were aging hippies and I was a budding Young Republican. Whereas they were comfortable in casual wear at home and work, I never went anywhere with a tie and sport coat.
We lived in Columbus, Ohio, a college town with liberal tendencies. Perhaps I was the odd one, however.
My sisters, Mallory and Jennifer, were younger and sided more with our parents than me. Hardly a week ever passed without me getting frustrated with my parent's liberal ways, causing me to run my hands through my thick, full hair in frustration.
Despite our differences, I learned how much my dad loved me at 8:30 p.m. on Nov. 9, 1983.
I was nervous about exams and college entrance essays. After days of going to bed late and waking up early, I was at my wit's end and completely exhausted.
I turned to some shady guys at school who offered me pills. I took the pills thinking they would help me focus. It turned out the pills were amphetamines and within 22 minutes I was hooked.
I stayed up for days finishing projects and applying to colleges. When I finally crashed, my parents - especially my dad - were there to catch me. Although I didn't get into Harvard or Stanford, I soon enrolled at Leland College near Columbus.
After graduation in 1989, I took a job on Wall Street and haven't seen my dad since. In fact I haven't seen anyone from my family since. Nor my friend Skippy or Mallory's boyfriend, Scott Valentine.
Although I was friends with Courtney Cox during the 1990s.
Thanks Kids for Making This a Great Father's Day!
Just wanted to say thanks to my daughters, Annie and Allison, for a great Father's Day! They treated me to a delicious breakfast in bed and made the cutest cards you've ever seen! It's been a great day already and it's not even over! Thanks ladies!!!
P.S. I also wanted to thank my secret family for keeping quiet while daddy's away. Daddy will be home soon to see you! Make sure mommy has her meds and DO NOT call me on my cell phone, got it?
6.20.2009
6.18.2009
Advice From My Father.
With Father's Day on Sunday, I've been thinking about my dad a lot lately. He died before I even finished elementary school, but I still remember him taking me on his lap and doling out the sage advice and timeless wisdom that shaped who I am today.
By day, he was a hotshot Chicago attorney, but at home he was just dad. He always made time to talk to my sister and me. Sometimes it was a meaningful anecdote, other times it was a timely phrase that put everything into perspective. Here's a few of my favorites:
- "You wouldn't think blue cheese olives taste good, but once they're soaked in gin - holy shit, they're amazing." (I should note that my dad had a tremendous drinking problem that cost him his job, marriage and ultimately his life. Probably should have mentioned that stuff first off, sorry.)
- "I know you're supposed to put cherries in a Manhattan, but I prefer olives." (I also should explain that when he was drinking, which was often, his advice wasn't always sage.)
- "Here, try some Brut cologne...All the girls in second grade will love you." (But some of his advice was spot on.)
- "No one's got zits on her ass unless she's got VD." (He had a point.)
- "Jesus Christ Grant...That's not how you clean a gun. You're doing it all wrong, ya lil snot." (Sometimes it was just the booze talking, honestly.)
- "There's this great drinking place a block from North Western Station...They've got the prettiest goddamn bartender I've ever seen." (My dad had phenomenal people skills, truly exceptional.)
- "You know, you're mom's not always right, Grant. One day you'll know. One day, mark my words, you'll know." (This never made sense until I had kids of my own.)
- "I met Gale Sayers once. Do you even care? Of course you don't...ungrateful lil snot." (My dad, without knowing it, steered me into my lifelong passion for baseball.)
- "If you're out of sweet vermouth just use Dr Pepper." (Even when he was drunk, he had some revolutionary ideas.)
- "Trust me, Archer Avenue's faster than 55 when you're goin' to Comiskey. I'll get you to your damn game ya lil snot." (For years, we went to every White Sox home opener.)
- "Mario Lanza was the greatest damn singer I ever heard." (It was the booze, it really was the booze.)
- "You know, if I hadn't met your mother I'd marry that Sarah Purcell." (Yes, yes he would have.)
6.17.2009
My Family.
In the history of Grant Miller Media, I've posted nearly 2,500 photos - none of which featured my family. It's not because I'm ashamed of them - quite the opposite. I'm just a protective father who wouldn't want images of his wife or daughters falling into the hands (or whatever else) of someone Googling "milton berle penis" or "scat love."
Maybe I've been over-protective - the kids are getting older and it seems like everyone posts endless photos of their offspring online. And I've received more than one e-mail from readers or former classmates asking for pictures of my kids.
With that in mind, here are a few pictures of my private life - my wife, kids and those closest to me. I hope you like them:
The Miller Family Reunion 2007! That's me in back!
Krista, Annie, Allison and I earlier this year.
This is of my mom from circa 1993. Sorry about the thumb!
Here's my sister and I at my grandmother's. Sorry the flash broke!
Here's Krista, Annie and Allison from July 2008. Sorry it's so blurry!
6.16.2009
I Am Fucking Amazing.
Sometimes we find our talents. Other times, our talents find us.
A previously unnoticed area of expertise can lay dormant for years, decades - even a lifetime. Until an earth-shattering event of unspeakable magnitude changes the landscape forever. In a burst of creativity and a supernova of invention one's talent rises from the depths and life is never the same.
I have a talent like that, one that laid dormant for years. But it is a talent so great and so illustrious that it must be shared. And I will do so now: I am the greatest in the history of the world at pulling out wedgies.
But to say I "pull out" wedgies cheapens my artistry, making it sound sloppy and amateurish. With the precision of a highly trained surgeon, my wedgies are removed by sheer will.
An amateur uses his hands or rubs against a wall or pole to remove a wedgy. I am not an amateur. I am a professional. An Artist. A Master. I use gravity, Pythagorean theorems and the laws of physics to remove even the tightest wedgy. And it works every time.
I can pull out a wedgy anytime under any conditions. I could be speaking to you, face to face, and you would never know I was releasing a wedgy from its bonds. I could walk down the street and no one - not even the Lord above - would sense anything different by my stride. When you approach my level of talent, the battle against wedgies becomes purely mental.
Some look at the paintings of Jackson Pollack or calculations of John Forbes Nash and see a mish mash of paint and numbers.
But to a trained eye and intellectual mind, something different is plainly obvious. These men were geniuses, years ahead of their time - it was our pedestrian values that held us from the enlightenment that came years later. That's how people will view me one day. In relation to wedgies.
Sadly, like my other true talents (creating mix tapes and filling dishwashers), pulling out wedgies does not translate easily into normal society. Aside from these talents - which are truly superhuman - I have nothing else to offer.
Ed Whitacre's Resume.
Last week, President Obama tapped Ed Whitacre to oversee GM's bankruptcy reorganization. Whitacre has a long history in corporate America. Here's a list of some of the companies he's worked for before GM:
- AT&T.
- IBM.
- CNN.
- KFC.
- NBC.
- MSNBC.
- CSC.
- ENC.
- NATO.
- NAACP.
- ESP.
- NBA.
- BDSM.
- U2.
- MILF.
- ELO.
- OMD.
- BTO.
- BLT.
- A2M.
- R.E.M.
- MSG.
- LMFAO.
- AKA.
- OU812.
- NKOTB.
Italian Buffet Restaurants I Would Like to Open.
- Endless Pastabilities.
- Anything's Pastable.
- Kim Pastable.
- Probable Pastable.
- Pastable Outcomes.
- This Restaurant Couldn't Pastably Be Bad.
- The Cal Zone (Sports Bar/Buffet)
- Propasti.
- Gno Way Gnochi!
- Needy Ziti.
- Tiramisu - Tirayousu!
- Espresso Expresso!
- Pasta Fa Yoo!!!
6.15.2009
Diana Ross Supremacist Rants Against Mary Wilson.
A Diana Ross Supremacist added to an ongoing feud on Monday between the Motown diva and former bandmate Mary Wilson.
The unidentified Diana Ross Supremacist left a comment in an online New York Post story about Mary Wilson.
According to the Supremacist's rant, Ross "made Mary Wilson" and she should "be forever grateful that Diana Ross ever came into her life."
The Diana Ross Supremacist then ended the manifesto with these chilling words:
"Diana Ross For Ever!"
It is unclear if the Diana Ross Supremacist is a lone wolf or part of a larger organization. Diana Ross Supremacists blame Mary Wilson for breaking up The Supremes and believe Diana Ross was the true talent behind the million-selling Motown group.
Diana Ross Supremacists also have called for a complete shutdown of the global economy in the name of love and claim there is no mountain high enough to stop their cause.
Earlier this year, Diana Ross Supremacists came under scrutiny from the Department of R&B Security for increasing hostility toward Mary Wilson. A backlash from Diana Ross Supremacists forced the department to distance itself from the report.
Congratulations!
Congratulations to the Los Angeles Lakers on their fourth NBA championship this decade. The victory allows center Pau Gasol to finally accomplish his lifelong goal - to smoke more pot than has ever been smoked in the history of the world.
6.13.2009
A New Kind of Cloud?
A photo from an Iowa woman has triggered debate about a new classification for clouds. The picture shows dark clouds on a greenish-yellow backdrop. If approved, the cloud type would be the first new classification since 1951. Here are the existing cloud classifications from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration:
- Puffy.
- Fluffy.
- Poofy.
- Pretty.
- Scary.
- Nuclear.
- Cotton ball.
- Streaky.
- Sky Writing.
6.12.2009
Did You Make the Digital TV Switch?
Today marks the end of analog television and the beginning of digital TV broadcasts. But if you're one of the 3 million still Americans still using an antenna, you're out of luck. Here are some alternatives for your viewing pleasure:
- Boil a cup of water in the microwave. It doesn't involve much of a plot or dialog, but it's still pretty cool to watch.
- Look out your windows and imagine the people or animals you see are characters on a beloved sitcom.
- Just turn on the TV and watch the grey static until the wee hours.
- Evidently, there are "Web sites" that play videos and clips from many popular television programs.
- Stick your head out the window and yell "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore."
- Drink so much you begin to hallucinate that you're on the set of "The Cosby Show."
- Instead of watching TV at home, visit a friend or neighbor's house and watch his.
- Whatever you do - do not go see "Ghosts of Girlfriend's Past."
- See if the nursing home or prison where you live has a community television room.
6.11.2009
Am I Right Folks???
Don't you hate how you go to the store and you have to grind your own coffee??? Hey, if I'm doing most of the work - why don't you pay me??? And while I'm on it, why do I have to brew the damn stuff?
Am I right folks???
You know, I been all over the world but nowhere - no where - have I seen a dead person that could vote. Except for maybe in Chicago!!!
But now they're doin' it legally in Albania!!! Albania! I don't know where they got the idea from but sounds perfect for our distinguished Congress - they're a bunch of stiffs anyways!!! Hey what's next? Giving welfare to ghosts? Oh wait, they already do that for chrissakes.
Who does this Hugo Chavez think he is??? Did you know he's banned Coca-Cola in Venezuela? Flat out banned it. Nada. Zilch. Nothing. Talk about Coke Zero!!! I'll tell you who this Chavez guy thinks he is. He thinks he's Dr. Pepper!!!
I'd like to give the world a coke. But I'd really like to give Chavez the finger!!! Am I right folks???
Didja hear 'bout this Ohio guy? Gets nine years for stealing women's panties? Cat thief? I don't think so - try cougar thief!!! Yeah. Same thing happened to my ex-wife when she was on a plane. Guy went through her suitcase and stole her panties. Then he tells police he was gonna use them as a parachute!!!
Jesus.
Stash Bednarik is a lifelong nudist and resident of Whiting, Indiana. He is the newest intern at Grant Miller Media and completing a degree at Phoenix University. His column, "Am I Right Folks" appears on Thursdays.
FDA to Regulate Big Tobacco.
The Senate on Thursday approved sweeping legislation to give the FDA broad, new powers to regulate the tobacco industry. The bill could be signed by President Obama, a smoker, later this month. Here are some regulations the FDA may consider:
- Spelling Kool cigarettes "Kewl."
- Requiring manufacturers to list the ingredients that give every Newport Cigarette its smooth, rich, full-bodied flavor.
- Mandating Virginia Slims show exactly how far you've come in both metric and American units, baby.
- Censoring tobacco ads in Highlights Magazine.
- Using TARP funds to cover the estimated $148 Trillion Camel Buck shortfall.
- Acknowledging that camels are really freaky looking animals.
Obama Needs a Strong Pick for Physical Fitness and Sports.
It's been nearly six months since President Obama took office. In that time, he's weathered storms both political, financial, domestic and international.
After several early flubs at cabinet appointments, Obama is settling into the West Wing quite nicely. Which raises the question: Why hasn't he appointed a director for the Council on Physical Fitness and Sports?
Perhaps, he's waiting for the Senate to approve his Supreme Court pick, but time is wasting as the Council on Physical Fitness and Sports flounders without direction.
It's unclear who Obama will pick for the job, but his track record shows it could be someone like him - a trailblazer. A woman or someone outside the usual field of sports and athletics.
If Obama wants someone who nearly fits this description he should consider Australian pop sensation Olivia Newton-John.
Newton-John is an outspoken backer of physical fitness. She has clearly stated that she wants to get physical and to get others physical, too.
As director, Newton-John wouldn't be another celebrity appointee like the first President Bush's pick, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Newton-John has a history of listening to people's bodies talk on issues related to physical fitness.
Newton-John would set the tone by visiting gyms nationwide, dressed in her signature purple leggings and braided headband. There she would admire the chiseled torsos of male models while pushing around those that are overweight or obese.
Obama proclaimed May Physical Fitness and Sports Month and noted exercise strengthens both the body and mind. Likewise, Newton-John has stated that her workout partners typically know what she means and know her point of view and that they know each other mentally. She said this connection, brought on by physical exercise, brings out the animal in her.
But Obama cannot wait forever on this appointment. Newton-John has stated that she's been patient and she's been good and that it's been hard to hold her back if you know what she means.
Hopefully, President Obama does.
6.10.2009
Life Without People Except for One Guy From Berwyn.
One Day After People Except for One Guy From Berwyn: Fossil fuel fired power plants continue to run automatically for several hours until fuel supplies are exhausted. Power grids begin to fail and the Earth quickly grows dark. Fearing he's the subject of a cruel joke, Abraham Stockwell, 37, of Berwyn, Illinois, wanders around his apartment laughing very loudly and saying "Very funny, guys. Okay...Lights on."
Two Days after People Except for One Guy From Berwyn: After 48 hours, nuclear plants enter safe mode, averting meltdowns. Only areas powered by wind turbines, solar energy or hydroelectric dams still have electricity. Stockwell ventures from his apartment and knocks on neighbors doors. Realizing his utility bill is a week late, Stockwell stops by the post office for stamps.
Three Days After People Except for One Guy From Berwyn: Many subways and underground transit systems require pumps to keep out groundwater. Within three days most are flooded. Realizing it's his mother's birthday, Stockwell goes to buy flowers, but the store is closed. On his way home, Stockwell wanders through a park. Paranoid someone will see him, Stockwell discreetly picks a dozen daffodils. He then drives to his mothers house and is surprised when she doesn't answer.
Ten Days After People Except for One Guy From Berwyn: For several days, Stockwell continues showing up to work as a dishwasher at a local diner. But with so few dishes, Stockwell finds the work unchallenging and writes a resignation letter, placing it on his boss's desk. Convinced he's part of an elaborate hoax, Stockwell falls into a life of crime and villany. Desperate and hungry for food, Stockwell breaks into a convenience store and eats a canister of nacho cheese.
Six Months After People Except for One Guy From Berwyn: Stockwell, still unsure if there is anyone else alive, ventures out of Berwyn and heads to Wrigley Field in Chicago. He is turned away, however, when he doesn't have a ticket.
One Year After People Except for One Guy From Berwyn: Lonely and in need of money, Stockwell opens a lawn care business. "People have totally stopped taking care of their lawns - this will be my niche. I can make some money and get back on my feet." Stockwell draws up advertisements and posts them throughout Berwyn. He slumps into a deep depression when no one calls.
Five Years After People Except for One Guy From Berwyn: At his wit's end, Stockwell walks to Lake Michigan and dives in, never to be seen again. A few days later, everybody returns to their homes after getting caught in traffic coming back from Lake Geneva.
Saudi Arabia Gets First Movies in 30 Years.
Saudi Arabia re-opened movie theaters last weekend for the first time in 30 years. Religious conservatives closed the cinemas in the 1970s fearing films could undermine Islamic values. Here's a look at movies currently playing at the Riyadh-Lowes 30 Multiplex:
- "Angels & Infidels."
- "Hotel for Goats."
- "Madea goes to Dammam."
- "Fast & the Falafel."
- "Hannah Montana: The Stoning."
- "I Love You, Imam."
- "Horton Has His Ear Cut Off."
- "What Happens in Riyadh..."
- "Madrassa Musical 3: Senior Year!"
- "I Think I Love My Wives."
- "Live Ultraconservative or Die Hard."
6.09.2009
Top of the Charts: Frito-Lay Classic Mix.
This week's most popular selections of Frito-Lay's Classic Mix chips at Grant Miller Media headquarters are compiled between between 8 a.m. Monday and 10 a.m. Friday from a variety of sources and merchants. Numbers in parentheses denotes a chip's rank last week.
- Fritos (2)
- Cheetos (1)
- Cool Ranch Doritos (4)
- Nacho Cheese Doritos (3)
- Lay's Classic (5)
Data for the Grant Miller Media Top of the Charts Frito-Lay Classic Mix - which includes all flavors sold at the St. Charles (Illinois) Jewel-Osco - are compiled by Nielsen Soundsnack. The chart includes not only chips sold but those consumed or left over. Grant Miller Media Top of the Charts: Frito-Lay Clasic Mix is audited semi-annually by the firm of Deloitte Touche and Tohmatsu. A copy of the most recent audit is available at most public libraries, institutions of higher learning, houses of worship or by filing a formal request. For more information or to file a formal request, please send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to FCIC P.O. Box 100, Pueblo Colorado, 81009.
6.08.2009
Biggest Surprises in NBC's "Inside the Obama White House."
NBC news had unprecented access to the White House last month to film an inside look at the Obama administration. The two-hour presentation, "Inside the Obama White House," aired Friday. Here's a look at some of the biggest surprises:
- President Obama spends most of the day playing World of Warcraft on his laptop.
- Vice President Biden struts around in full-military regalia like he fucking owns the place.
- Nobody - no one - gives a shit what Tim Geithner says.
- Bo the dog shown humping West Wing interns. Oh wait, that was President Clinton.
- White House situation room outfitted with some Technics stereo speakers; conference table replaced with a foosball table.
- Every night, Dennis Kucinich tucks in President Obama, clicks his heels three times and disappears up the chimney.
- For no apparent reason, the West Wing is haunted by the ghost of Tom Bosley.
- The ghost of Abraham Lincoln is super gay.
- Rahm Emanuel's claim he is the "King of the Purple Nurple."
- The unbearable sexual tension between Hillary Clinton and Janet Napolitano.
- The way Eric Holder and Kathleen Sebelius were always making out.
- Bo the dog has a better life than most Americans.
6.05.2009
10 Ideas for Summertime Romance!
- Take a lazy ride in the back of an old pick up truck filled with watermelons. Playfully feed the watermelon to one another. Then take a moment to enjoy the smooth, rich flavor of Newport cigarettes.
- Get a little dirty painting an old front porch. Be sure to playfully apply a bit of paint to your partner's face when he least expects it! Then take a moment to enjoy the smooth, rich flavor of Newport cigarettes.
- Cool off with a sip from an old water hose. Be sure to wrap your lips around the stream of water in a pose that is filled with sexual innuendo and subliminal meaning. Once finished, enjoy the refreshing flavor of Newport cigarettes.
- Enjoy a spirited game of backgammon at a campsite situated near majestic waterfall. Everyone's a winner enjoying the full-bodied flavor of Newport cigarettes.
- Take a casual stroll through Central Park. When you happen upon a balloon seller, buy his entire inventory and hand them to your partner who will be amazed and delighted. You've just earned yourself the rich flavor of a Newport cigarette.
- Work up a sweat playing a little game of touch football. When your partner catches the ball, tackle him and share a romantic laugh together. Help him recover by offering him a delicious Newport cigarette.
- Go for a special treat at an old-timey ice cream parlour. When your partner's not looking, take your cone and run it down his nose. The flirty gesture will have him hungering for you...and the cool flavor of a Newport cigarette.
- Teach your partner how to use a bow and arrow. As she pulls back on the bow, wrap your arms around her to show her the correct grip. This will amuse and arouse her. then take a moment to enjoy the rich, full-bodied flavor of Newport cigarettes.
- Go for a whimsical ride on a tandem bike. After a few miles, you'll both need to take a breather with refreshing Newport cigarette.
- Get caught in the summer rain. Be sure to wear matching raincoats and umbrellas. And of course, enjoy the smokey flavor of Newport cigarettes.
6.04.2009
Am I Right Folks???
How about those Hummers? They're those big, luxury SUVs. They're so big you could fit half of China in there!!!
They're gonna start making them in China now - so I guess they won't be luxury SUVs anymore - they're gonna be ruxury SUVs now!!!
I don't know about you, but maybe they should change the name...to Bummer!!! Am I right folks???
Hey - talk about car problems...Did you hear about the guy in Sweden who was driving along and - boom - all his tires fall off his car? Just like that. Can you believe that??? If my ex-wife could only be so lucky - she's got plenty of spare tires to lose!!!
Did you hear about that guy that robbed a different bank every Thursday for two months? True story - guy's lookin' at 20 years now. But hey - I know the feeling, my ex-wife robs me for alimony every month!!!
Or what about this yahoo up in Canada that left a folder filled with nuclear secrets in a TV studio. Yeah, it was filled with secrets for nuclear back bacon!!!
Did you know politicians in Japan are required - required - to take public speaking classes from comedians??? No joke. Comedians! You know what, they should take a couple of pointers from my Congressman - cuz he's a real clown!!!
Have you seen these Rollerblades around here? They're all over the place, zipping by and weaving in and out of traffic. It's ridiculous. You wanna know what the hardest thing is learning to Rollerblade? Telling your mother you're a jerk, that's what.
Jesus!
Stash Bednarik is a lifelong nudist and resident of Whiting, Indiana. he is the newest intern at Grant Miller Media and completing a degree at Phoenix University. His Column, "Am I Right Folks???" appears on Thursdays.
Forbes' 100 Least Powerful Celebrities.
Forbes released its list of the 100 Most Powerful Celebrities on Thursday. A-listers include Oprah, Beyonce, Angelina Jolie and President Obama. Here's Forbes' less exclusive 100 Least Powerful Celebrities:
- Buddy Ebsen.
- The ShamWow Guy.
- Tone-Loc.
- Sally Jessy Rahpael.
- Clarence Clemons.
- The guy who played Ralph Malph.
- DJ Jazzy Jeff.
- Jack Klugman.
- Dexy's Midnight Runners.
- Rob Schneider.
- Mark Hamill.
- Gheorghe Muresan.
- Slippery When Wet, the Ultimate Bon Jovi tribute band.
- Donald Trump's hair stylist.
- Markos Moulitsas.
- The guy with the really deep voice in Alabama.
- Max Headroom.
- Mancow Muller.
- The violinist in the Dave Matthews Band.
- Peter Scolari.
- Nancy McKeon.
- Joe Piscapo.
- Chris Gaines.
- Ryan Seacrest.
- Billy Baldwin.
- Frank Stallone.
- Debby Boone.
- Sen. Dick Durbin.
- 25 Cent.
- The guy who played Potsie.
- Jerry Bruckheimer.
- Some soccer player you've never heard of.
- Mr. Belvedere.
- Mindy Cohn.
- Alf.
- The Victory Auto Wreckers Dude.
- The Empire Carpet Guy.
- The Gerber Baby.
- The Easy Spirit Basketball Team.
- Camryn Manheim.
- Grant Miller.
- Nicole Kidman's old nose.
- Venus and Serena Williams' older sister.
- Emilio Estevez.
- Larry Dallas.
- Andrew Ridgeley.
- Celozzi.
- Ettleson.
- Svengoolie.
- The Computer Professor.
- The Magikist Sign.
- The Eagle Insurance Eagle.
- The Eagle Insurance babes.
- Jennifer Love Hewitt.
- The Walter E. Smithe Brothers.
- Billy Mays
- Billy Banks.
- Gary Gygax.
- Sandra Lee.
- Chuck Woolery.
- Harvey Korman.
- Morey Amsterdam.
- Sandy Duncan.
- Chef Justin Wilson.
- Christopher Cross.
- Ed Asner's back hair.
- The Equalizer.
- Spuds MacKenzie.
- The Energizer Bunny.
- Snuggle the Bear.
- K.I.T.T.
- Tootie.
- Rip Taylor.
- Pia Zadora.
- Deney Terrio and Motion.
- The Captain
- Tennille.
- Yakov Smirnoff.
- Yahoo Serious.
- Art Garfunkel.
- Billy Preston.
- Pete Best.
- Jon and Kate's Third Oldest Child.
- Alec Baldwin's daughter.
- Dan "Grizzly Adams" Haggerty.
- God the Dyslexic Bounty Hunter.
- David Caruso.
- Hoda.
- Brian Bosworth.
- Tawny Kitaen.
- Justin Guarini.
- Taylor Hicks.
- Bo Bice.
- Bo Duke.
- Loni Anderson.
- Dr. Johnny Fever.
- Lee Majors.
- Rusty the Bailiff.
- Erik Estrada.
- Larry King.
6.03.2009
Kim Jong-il Names Successor.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-il this week named his youngest son, Kim Jong-un, to succeed him in power. Kim Jong-il's other children also were rumored to seek power. They are:
- Maurice "Mo" Jong-il
- DeShawn Jong-il.
- Sheldon Jong-il.
- Sierra Jong-il.
- Dakota Jong-il.
- Donny Jong-il.
- Marie Jong-il.
- Chubby Jong-il.
- Dharma Jong-il.
- Greg Jong-il.
- Little Gino Jong-il.
- Marlon Jong-il.
- Phelps "Catfish" Jong-il.
- Tobias Jong-il.
6.02.2009
Summer Starts.
Although the official start of summer is a couple weeks away, my aunt Tammy already has a list of projects she needs me to do at her house.
And as usual, trimming her bush is at the top of her list!
I've been trimming her bush for years. There's a perverse pleasure in trimming her massive bush - especially since it's really a job for her or her husband. But I don't mind - anything to get me near that bush is fine.
She lives in a small ranch house and the bush stretches from her mailbox all the way around to her backdoor. If the bush isn't trimmed it's difficult to find her mailbox and the backdoor is completely off limits. That's why it's my job to keep her bush nice and trimmed.
The bush also covers a crack in her foundation, so it's important to keep the crack clear of unwanted roots and trimmings.
It's a big task, so this year I enlisted the help of a few people I met on Craigslist. It was easy to find helpers - I just posted something on Craigslist asking for bush trimming help. You'll never imagine the response I got!
Lots of guys said they'd love to help, but a few asked if they could just watch. Whatever, weirdos!
After a long day trimming her bush, her husband and I usually crack open a few beers and sit out back and do a little corn hole. Nothing says summertime quite like trimming my aunt's bush and cornholing with her husband!
Cheney on Gay Marriage: "Freedom for Everyone."
Former Vice President Dick Cheney said he supports gay marriage and believes the issue should be remain a state-by-state decision. Here are the transcripts obtained by Grant Miller Media from Cheney's speech before the National Press Club:
"I think you know freedom means freedom for everyone. I think people ought to be free to enter into any kind of union the wish, any kind of arrangement the wish.
"So if two sinewy, hirsute Latin men decide they want to enter into a monogamous, loving and steamy relationship that is fine by me. Not a problem here. They can do whatever they want in the privacy of their own home. Or in the backroom of a biker bar, if other patrons are okay with it.
"Freedom for everyone, is what I say. Unless, of course, one of those ruggedly handsome men is subservient to the other. If that's the case, the decision should be with the more dominant partner in the relationship. I have no problem with it. Why should I impose my morals - which could never imagine such a taboo relationship - on two men I don't even know?
"That's how it should be handled today, that is on a state-by-state, man-on-man basis. Different states will make different decisions but I don't have a problem with that. I think people should get a shot at some of that hot man/man action if that's what they want."
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