Five Things You Need to Know About Healthcare Reform.

1. Everyone will be required to have at least one abortion. In a move to appease liberals, Obama's plan will force all Americans to have at least one abortion during their lifetime. Exemptions would exist for gay, pagan, transgendered, flag-burning or child-molesting sodomite embryos.
2. Everybody will be a Pepper. One of Obama's closest healthcare advisors, Dr Pepper, is a well-known advocate of Pepperization. Under his orders, everyone will be a pepper. He will be a Pepper. She will be a Pepper. They will be a Pepper. We'll be a Pepper. The question now remains wouldn't you like to be a Pepper, too?
3. Doctor, Doctor! Give me the news. I've got a bad case of loving you. No pill is gonna cure my ill. I've got a bad case of loving you.
4. Old people will rounded up and placed in diseased island colonies. For decades, Washington has looked for ways to silence old people. Inspired by Medieval ideas combined with 21st Century technology, this dream will finally come true.
5. Your doctor will be replaced. As everyone knows, liberals maintain their health using archaic pagan rituals, vegan-fair-trade-organic diets, peyote and baby's blood. But even liberals get sick sometimes. And when they do, they take a month long vision quest into the Mojave to connect with the ghost of Jim Morrison and dance with a wise, all-knowing shaman. This will replace the need for doctors and hospitals.

An Open Letter to Former NBC-5 Chicago News Anchor Anna Davlantes.

Dear Ms. Davlantes,

Thank you for your nine years of dedication to NBC-5 viewers. Throughout your tenure, viewers could count on you to provide hard-hitting, informative and fair coverage on every story. Your talent will be missed.

But in this time of uncertainty, I would like to extend a helping hand to you, personally.

I'm a veteran Chicago journalist and understand this cut-throat business. It's messy, it's chaotic and downright brutal. But somehow it keeps calling us back for more.

Not only am I a grizzled scribe always looking for the next big story, I'm also someone who loves to laugh. I love the theater, meeting with friends or simply exploring the city and its people. I love piña coladas and watching the stars in the sky on a warm summer night. Most importantly, I love to love. And I love working out.

These are the things that give me joy.

I'm sure you have a lot on your mind now and probably too much free time. But if you need someone to talk to or someone who's just there to listen, let me know. If you need a shoulder to cry on or even a simple hug, look no further.

Sincerely,

Grant Miller, Esq.

P.S. Grant Miller Media is hiring.

Grant Miller Media: The Worst Daddy Blog Ever.

After graduating college, I took care of my mother until her death six years later. I visited almost daily, talked constantly, shopped, bought medicine, read medical reports, questioned doctors, dealt with insurers, paid bills and generally tried to make her life as comfortable as possible.

After she died, I vowed to never place the same burden on my children as I age.

It appears that was a good decision. My daughter, Allison, and I were driving Wednesday and had the following conversation:

"Is that a hotel," Allison asked pointing to a large building along the way.

"No. Says it's a 'senior living facility.' Looks like a hotel kinda."

"What's that?"

"You know, like a retirement community or nursing home. A place for old people," I explained.

"Oh, you mean like an old people shelter."

"No, not a shelter, a nursing home."

"No, it's a shelter for old people. Like a dog shelter but for oldies," She said. "Old people should be caged up like dogs."

"Yeah, I guess you have a point."

What Famous Historical Figure Are You? Take the Grant Miller Media Quiz and Find Out!

1. You were born in:

a. Porbandar, Kathiawar Agency, India.

b. Bethlehem.

c. Westmoreland County, Virginia.

d. West Allis, Wisconsin

2. You like to:

a. Lead through examples of non-violence.

b. Lead via teachings and miracles.

c. Lead armies to defeat colonialism.

d. Lead hitchhikers into your basement.

3. Friends describe you as:

a. A great political and spiritual leader.

b. The Son of God.

c. The Father of American Democracy.

d. Quiet, a loner.

4. Your style is:

a. Bollywood chic!

b. Galilee groovy!

c. Mt. Vernon vogue!

d. Creepy.

5. One of your co-workers is getting on your nerves. You:

a. Declare a hunger strike until he is fired.

b. Turn the other cheek.

c. Negotiate a compromise but prepare for battle.

d. Write a cryptic letter explaining your concerns in blood.

6. You believe people:

a. Are to be treated equally and fairly.

b. Are all God's children.

c. Are free to seek life and liberty.

d. Are delicious.

7. If you're driving somewhere with friends you:

a. Offer clear and concise directions.

b. Are the designated driver.

c. Offer to pay for gas.

d. Dump their bodies in a shallow creek.

If you answered "A" you are Mahatma Gandhi.

If you answered "B" you are Jesus Christ.

If you answered "C" you are President Washington.

If you answered "D" you are Jeffrey Dahmer.

Rhode Island Moves to Close Strip Club Loophole.

Last week, Rhode Island lawmakers began closing a loophole that allowed minors to work in burlesque parlors and adult establishments. The loophole was discovered after an underage Boston runaway was found working in a Providence club.

Grant Miller Media applauds the state's efforts, but believes it does not go far enough.

Although the proposed law prohibits minors from working in burlesque parlors, it does nothing to prevent the elderly from taking the stage. This is a loophole that could easily be exploited by the state's old people.

Rhode Island lawmakers are duty-bound to protect consumers from such disturbing images. Patrons of these establishments should be able to enjoy an evening of bawdy fun without fear of seeing their grandmother or great grandmother in pasties.

Like the loophole that allowed the Boston runaway to work as a dancer, what is to stop a nursing home escapee from wandering into an establishment seeking employment? Is this the type of society we want to live in?

Our greatest generation gave so much to this nation. It's time we reward them by keeping them away from stripper poles.

Grant Miller Media: Real Food. Real Delicious.

At Grant Miller Media, we take food seriously - you'll never find anything artificial in our ingredients. That's what makes Grant Miller Media Morning Muffins taste so much better, because they're better for you.

Our morning pastry selections contain:

• No artificial flavors
• No artificial trans fats
• No artificial dyes
• No high-fructose corn syrup

Start your day off right, with a signature Grant Miller Media Morning Muffin today!

*May contain dairy, eggs, peanuts, tree nuts, cashews, pine nuts, walnuts, chestnuts, chinnuts, dead skin, fish, shellfish, fish oil, fish byproducts, electric eels, endangered aquatic life, plutonium, mercury, chlorine, wheat gluten, soy, soy sauce, medical equipment, soy oil, petroleum, tiny knives, broken glass, cat fur, cat dander, cats, staples, thumbs, gun powder, baking powder, talc, narcotics, roofies, bee stingers, bee venom, bees, snake venom, bleach, hair, rat droppings, rats, broken light bulbs, working light bulbs, floor lamps and fecal matter.

Cereal Drama.

I opened a box of Kashi Mighty Bites this morning and barely noticed the warning that appears on all cereal boxes and packaged foods. It read:

"CONTENTS MAY SETTLE"

But as I flipped open the box, I noticed the label was actually much longer:

"Contents may settle but will always wonder about what might have been, about the ones that got away. About the life, the memories and loves they missed while staying home in your pantry while their grain friends were out living the life that could have been theirs, that should have been theirs...

"Why? Why did the contents settle so soon? So early? The contents thought they were so old and mature, that they knew everything and had it all figured out. The contents knew they didn't love you, but figured this was a life they could handle, it was safe. The contents were so young, so very, very young and they didn't even know it. And now they are filled with regret.

"Like ants that carry 10 times their body weight, the contents will carry this burden of regret for the rest of their days. Painfully and quietly living with their pain, reminded every time they see a loaf of bread or wedding cake that they could have been something more than just whole grain bites of "Honey Crunch" delicacy.

"The contents never should have listened to their parents - who cares if they were labeled idealists? Romantics? Where is the problem with that? The world needs more idealists, more romantics. It certainly doesn't need more unhappy contents, settled against their better judgement.

"Of course, not all is lost. The contents value their position in the pantry beside the Froot Loops and below the Barilla Spaghetti. Even though the contents settled, they have memories here, made a life for themselves, something they hope will endure...

"But there always will be a longing for that which the contents may never have. If only they'd waited. If only they never settled...."

Fin

Names for 2009 Hurricanes.

According to the National Hurricane Center:

• Hurricane A-Rod.
• Hurricane Beyoncé.
• Hurricane Charles Bronson.
• Hurricane Dean Cain.
• Hurricane e.e.
• Hurricane Fergalicious.
• Hurricane G-Unit.
• Hurricane Hood Rat.
• Hurricane Itchy.
• Hurricane John Wayne Gacy.
• Hurricane Kitty.
• Hurricane Lil Wayne.
• Hurricane Maniston
• Hurricane Nambla.
• Hurricane OMG.
• Hurricane Pantera.
• Hurricane Qweef.
• Hurricane Rammstein.
• Hurricane Speidi.
• Hurricane Tootie.
• Hurricane Ugg Boots.
• Hurricane Vice Lords.
• Hurricane William Wegman.
• Hurricane XoXoXo!!!
• Hurricane Yo Mama!
• Hurricane Zacarias Moussaoui.

The Most and Least Common Search Words Used to Find Grant Miller Media.

The Most Common:

1. erin andrews nude
2. michael jackson secret child
3. milton berle penis
4. who's gay in hollywood
5. scat blogspot
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10. michael jackson secret son

The Least Common:

1. what should i do if i was attacked by a raccoon?
2. i can make you this generation's milton berle
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6. elvish hairstyles
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10. when do thanksgiving sweaters go on sale?

How to Replace the Ink Cartridge on an Inkjet Printer.

Is it time to change the ink cartridge on your computer printer? Follow these simple instructions and you'll be back in business in no time:

1. Allow your printer run out entirely. This will probably happen late at night right before you need to print an important project you've worked on for weeks and you will panic because Office Max is closed and you'll be forced to go to Kinkos and feel like a schmuck.
2. Try opening the printer door. Go ahead try. Admit it, you have no idea where the printer door is. You're not even close - that's the damn paper tray. Why can't they make these things simpler or come with directions people can actually understand? If you figure it out - and that's a big if - the cartridge is somewhere in there, I think.
3. Press the change cartridge button. Actually, you should have done that first and if you didn't you're royally screwed.
4. Did you turn off the power? I'd hate if anything happened to you while changing the damn ink cartridge.
5. Pull on the green top of the damn inkjet ink cartridge if you can find it. This will be a real pain in the ass and will have you looking at the directions and looking at the machine repeatedly.
6. Give up and slam the thing down.
7. Press on the damn green thingy until it snaps into place. If it doesn't snap in, just jam it in there as hard as you can and try to close the whole thing.
8. Look for someone to blame for not replacing the ink cartridge sooner.

Feds Withheld Data on Driving, Cell Phones.

The New York Times reported this week the Bush administration withheld information on the dangers of using a cell phone while driving. Here are some of the dangers NTSB officials warned of:

• Drivers using cell phones are three times more likely to dial a wrong number.
• Driving and texting may result in typos, spelling mistakes and poor grammar.
• Earpieces are the leading cause of douche bag drivers.
• In 2003, cell phone use by drivers resulted in 240,000 dropped calls.
• Despite the prevalence of cellphones, 100 percent of male drivers will never use it to get directions, am I right ladies????
• Nearly 2 percent of all drivers like to call people just to make race car sounds.
• Drivers using cell phones are 10 times more likely to spill their coffee.
• Cell phone use while driving is the leading cause of kinked or sore shoulders while driving.
• Women who use cell phones while driving were more likely to apply make-up carelessly.

Did Michael Jackson Have a Secret Child?

Nearly a month after Michael Jackson, died a battle is underway over his fortune, including accusations Jackson fathered a fourth child.

In sealed court documents obtained by Grant Miller Media, a woman named "Billie Jean" accuses the singer of fathering her son in 1983. The boy, now 26, is not named in court records but is believed to have the late singer's eyes.

Despite Ms. Jean's claims, Jackson has long denied he fathered her son. In a video filmed before his death, Jackson acknowledges he met Ms. Jean but the two were never romantic. Attorney's for his estate plan to make the video the focus of their defense.

"Billie Jean is not my lover," Jackson states in the video. "She's just a girl who claims that I am the one. But the kid is not my son."

This is not the first time Jean has sought child support from Jackson. Shortly after the boy was born, the law was on her side. But that settlement lasted only forty days and forty nights and was reached on the advice of Jackson's mother, Katherine, and not his legal team.

"Mother always told me be careful of who you love," Jackson said in a 1983 interview. "And be careful of what you do because the lie becomes the truth."

Both sides agree Jackson met Jean while dancing in the round. Legal observers believe Jean may have caused a scene making everyone turn their heads with dreams of dancing with her.

Italian PM Berlusconi Focus of Sex Tape Accusations.

An alleged sex tape involving Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi and a prostitute surfaced this week as part of an ongoing corruption investigation in Rome.

Grant Miller Media International obtained a copy of the alleged sex tape and presents it here as a courtesy to its readers. As you can see, Italian sex tapes are quite different from their American counterparts:

You People Make Me Sick.

If you're anything like me, you didn't spend Sunday afternoon, evening and the wee hours after midnight scouring the Internet for rumored clips of Erin Andrews getting dressed.

Because that is sick and disgusting.

In fact, if you're anything like me you completely ignored rumors that circulated throughout the Blogosphere all weekend about a purported peephole video featuring the comely Erin Andrews. Nude. Completely nude. Fully and totally naked.

You ignored it, as I did, because you're above such filth.

I've written at length about Ms. Andrews' considerable talent. But rarely do I get visitors to Grant Miller Media seeking in depth commentary about Ms. Andrews. No. Instead I get an endless stream of perverts, deviants and immature meatheads seeking pictures of Erin Andrews nude.

That's sickening.

So while others were Googling for the fully nude peephole video of Erin Andrews, you - like me - were reading high minded literature, contemplating the great ideas of our time, wrestling alone with our thoughts on art, politics and the state of humanity.

If you're like me, you didn't spend an hour Sunday night trying different variations of the same Google search looking for explicit photos of ESPN's finest sideline reporter. Nor were you distracted trying to search Google's cache of deleted materials scrounging for a glimpse - just one simple look - of Ms. Andrews exposed, fleshy bosom. Because that would be vile.

And you didn't even begin searching up file-sharing sites (like RapidShare or MegaUpload) for such videos.

No. If you're like me you spent most of Sunday searching the Internet for the purported sex tape of Dan Patrick and Keith Olbermann.

Common Misquotations.

Misquote: "Winning isn't everything; It's the only thing," often attributed to Vince Lombardi.

The real quote: "Winning isn't everything; There's also hummus with Triscuits. Have you tried that? Delicious - just as good as winning, maybe even better."

Misquote: "Elementary, my dear Watson" attributed to fictional character Sherlock Holmes.

The real quote: "Elementary, my dear, dear, precious, fair-skinned, supple and tender Watson."

Misquote: "Religion is the opiate of the masses" attributed to Karl Marx.

The real quote: "Oxycotin is the opiate of the masses."

Misquote: "Friends, Romans, Countrymen lend me your ears" attributed to Mark Antony.

The real quote: "Friends, Romans, Countrymen lend me like $1,000. I got into some weird shit and Reno and now this guy wants my ass."

Misquote: "I'm not a crook" attributed to President Nixon.

The real quote: "I'm not a crook. I'm a racist and a homophobe and kinda paranoid, but not a crook!"

Misquote: "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar" attributed to Sigmund Freud.

The real quote: Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. But it's usually a penis you sick, perverted deviant. You're weird."

Misquote: "Let them eat cake" attributed to Marie Antoinette.

The real quote: "Don't let anyone have the last piece."

Misquote: "The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step" attributed to Confucius.

The real quote: "The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step...in bed."

Misquote: "I never yet met a man I didn't like" attributed to Will Rogers.

The real quote: "I never yet met a man I didn't like...if you get my drift wink wink."

Jobs at Grant Miller Media.

Grant Miller Media is looking for bright, motivated and energetic people to join its corporate headquarters in St. Charles, Illinois.

As a member of the Grant Miller Media corporate team, you'll play a valuable role in our ongoing success while gaining important experience in a fast-paced, challenging field. If you're passionate about your corporate career join us in making Grant Miller Media the Internet's Number One source for Grant Miller-related information.

The following positions are available as of July 15, 2009:

• Grave digger.
• Biohazard removal.
• Forced laborer.
• Indentured servant.
• Textile machinery operator.
• Coal miner.
• Print journalist.
• Carnival attendant.
• Poultry processing.
• Nuclear decontamination.
• Scientific guinea pig.
• Cat husbandry.
• Test subject.
• Human zoo exhibit.

Grant Miller Media has grown to become one of the nation's leading Grant Miller-related information sources with more than 4,600 offices worldwide. Our annual retail sales of $13 billion rank Grant Miller Media in the top 25 of all U.S. Grant Miller-related information sources. We've been in business for more than 80 years, have a legendary distribution network, a strong financial record and a history of success. Grant Miller Media is an equal opportunity employer supporting diversity in the workplace. Except Mongolians.

Hackers Attack Microsoft Office Users.

Cybercriminals attacked a flaw in Microsoft's Office software, putting users of the popular product at risk, a company spokesman said Tuesday. According to Microsoft, infected Office software will display the following symptoms:

• Running smoothly without reboot.
• Improved ease of use with simple, easy-to-follow prompts.
• Able to run multiple applications without freezing up.
• Logical button combinations.
• Work is regularly saved so users can operate the software worry-free.
• Does not cause computer to smoke or make weird noises.

Are You A Koala? Take The Grant Miller Media Quiz and Find Out!

Do you sometimes feel people treat you differently? Are you regularly excluded from social events? Are you looking to get ahead at work but wondering what it takes? Do you have a thick coat of fur? If so, take this Grant Miller Media quiz to determine whether you are a koala.

1. If you had plans with a friend and they cancelled what would you do?

a. Ask why.

b. Be sad because you were really looking forward to going out.

c. Call someone else.

d. Mark your territory with saliva and urine.

2. When you've had a long day, how do you relax?

a. Read a favorite book.

b. Round up some friends and go out.

c. Chill out at home with a movie.

d. Nap in a eucalyptus tree for 18 hours.

3. You're at a park and see a child fall and start crying. You:

a. Rush to see if she needs help.

b. Alert the child's parents.

c. Walk away and act like you didn't notice.

d. Use your deadly fangs and sharp claws to devour her.

4. You think a date went well if:

a. You talked about a lot of interesting things.

b. You laughed a lot.

c. You planned to meet again.

d. You displayed your bifurcated penis.

5. Which of these best describes your bedroom?

a. Coordinated and well-put-together.

b. Messy. Tons of posters, toys and food everywhere.

c. A bed. A dresser. Don't need much else.

d. A mature eucalyptus tree covered with your scent.

6. If you knew you would die tomorrow, how would you spend your last day?

a. Reading great literature or going to a museum.

b. Visiting family and friends.

c. Crying.

d. High on eucalyptus leaves.

7. You often dream you are:

a. Falling.

b. Searching for something or someone.

c. I don't know. I can never remember.

d. A koala.

8. The television show "Two and a Half Men" is:

a. Funny and good-natured.

b. Entertaining for the whole family.

c. Mildly amusing.

d. A tragic waste of the human spirit.

9. What's your best physical attribute?

a. My eyes.

b. My body - it's a temple!!

c. My mind - I'm very cerebral, baby!

d. My thick coat of fur that pads my body while sitting in trees.

10. Your parents are:

a. My best friends! I love you guys!

b. Tolerant of my decisions even if they disagree.

c. So embarrassing OMG!

d. Koalas

If you answered "D" to any of these questions you are a koala.

A Helpful Tip From Grant Miller Media.

People get really upset if they catch you using hand sanitizer for any other bodily appendage.

Have a Great Weekend!

• Since 2003, the number of underground tremors along a section of the San Andreas Fault has doubled. The same section produced a 7.8-magnitude earthquake in 1857, considered the last "big one" to hit the area. Scientists acknowledge they don't know what the rise in tremors signifies.
• Although there are no concrete numbers, experts estimate there are 300 active serial killers in the United States at any time.
• The "Big Freeze" - a term used by scientists to describe an ever expanding universe that ultimately drops in temperature - is the most commonly accepted theory on how the universe will end. Other theories include Heat Death (the universe contracts), the Big Rip (dark energy density increases, destroying all matter) and the Big Crunch (the Big Bang, but in reverse).
• In 1989, a 1,000-foot diameter asteroid missed the Earth by 400,000 miles. Had it flown by just six hours earlier, it would have struck the Earth causing an explosion the "equivalent of one Hiroshima-sized atomic bomb detonating every second for 50 days." Scientists estimate similar asteroids miss the Earth undetected every "two or three years."
• Last week, scientists discovered a new, medium-sized black hole. It is 500 times larger than the sun and has a gravitational pull so strong that nothing escapes it.
• Astronomers speculate Jupiter's gravitational pull will eventually pull Mercury out of its orbit and possibly hit Earth. If so, the explosion would be large enough to form another moon.
• About two million Americans are allergic to bee stings. In 2006, honey bees began disappearing throughout North America. Bees play a vital role in pollination. Their extinction could disrupt the food chain. A disruption in the food chain could lead to mass starvation and extinctions of other life forms including humans.
• In 1997, Russia informed the United Nations that 100 nuclear weapons were unaccounted for. In 2005, that number grew to 250.
• "Paris Hilton's My New BFF" began filming in Dubai last month.

U.S. Reporter Jailed in N.Korea Calls Sister.

An American journalist jailed since March in North Korea phoned her sister late last month, it was reported Thursday. Laura Ling, 32, and Euna Lee, 36, were charged with illegal entry into North Korea and with an unspecified "grave crime." Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and others have lobbied for their release.

Grant Miller Media obtained these phone transcripts between Ling and her sister, former "View" co-host Lisa Ling:

Laura Ling: "What'd you do with those heels that you tried on last time you came over?"

Lisa Ling: "What do you mean?"

Laura: "You know what I mean. Last time you were here you were all 'Oh my God I love these shoes' and you even tried them on. Now, I go to wear them and they're gone. Like they totally vanished."

Lisa: "What are you talking about, I didn't touch them."

Laura: "Oh, so I guess they just disappeared on their own?"

Lisa: "Are you calling me a thief?"

Laura: "Well, I don't know where else they'd be..."

Lisa: "Look, I didn't even touch your shoes. They're way too small..."

Laura: "Whatever, whatever, whatever...Look. Just give 'em back, stop all this BS and it's over. Okay. No questions asked."

Lisa: "I don't have your shoes, Laura. What is wrong with you?"

Laura: "Fine. Whatever. Just don't be surprised if that paper weight thing mom gave you is missing sometime."

Lisa: "Pfft. Whatevs."

Ca. Students Get X-Rated Version of Class DVD.

A California elementary teacher got into trouble last week for accidentally including a 6-second clip of her having sex on DVDs she gave to students.

The DVDs were intended as a year-end gift to students. It contained clips of classroom memories and school activities before abruptly cutting to teacher Crystal Defanti with her husband.

A spokesman for Elk Grove Unified School District apologized for the error and said the DVDs should be destroyed. It's unclear if the fifth grade Isabelle Jackson Elementary teacher will be reprimanded.

But this episode highlights a growing problem in American schools - teachers having sex.

When I was a school boy, nothing turned me off more than the thought of Mrs. Mather getting it from behind. Not that I routinely imagined her greying body in the throes of coital bliss, but it crossed my mind here and there.

Likewise, the very idea that Mrs. Kurth ever got naked - much less had sex - nearly made gag. To me, the pictures she kept on her desk of her kids were an eerie reminder that at some point someone had nailed her. A spine-chilling image to say the least.

But today, our teachers are having sex. And not the perfunctory, passionless sex that's taught in "What's Happening to My Body."

No. Modern teachers are having sex that is so naughty and perverse that they are recording it for future generations. It's like New Math but with sexier decimal points. Before you know it, teachers will be measuring body parts with the metric system and that's simply disgusting.

Teachers - like parents - should never have sex. Granted, I'm a parent and I know several teachers. But these facts do not change my views. Nothing is more repulsive than hearing my in-laws talk about their "golden years" and lounging around in a hammock together. They're grandparents for chrissakes.

The only time teachers - or parents - should ever have sex is in Van Halen videos or in "coming-of-age" movies set during the summer of 1942 on Nantucket.

Otherwise, keep it in your pants teachers.

Details Announced for Billy Mays Tribute.

Plans for a televised tribute for infomercial pitchman Billy Mays were released today. The concert performance will be held next week at the Los Angeles Staples Center and will be televised between 1 a.m. and 6 a.m. on most basic cable channels. Viewers will be encouraged to donate to Billy Mays' Memorial Fund by calling the number on their screen. Operators are standing by.

Performers scheduled to appear include:

• The ShamWow Guy.
• Mariette Hartley.
• Ron Popeil.
• Mr. Microphone.
• The Ginsu Knife chef.
• Guthy and Renker.
• Billy Blanks.
• The Victory Auto Wreckers dude.
• Miss Cleo.
• The Progressive Insurance babe.
• Mavis Beacon.
• Joe Isuzu.
• The reunited Cavity Creeps.
• An acoustic performance by the Free Credit Report band.
• The old guy from the Snuggie commercial.
• And a very special appearance by the Whassup? guys.

Saddam Gun Going to Bush Library.

It was announced this week that a gun found on Saddam Hussein when he was captured will be the centerpiece of the George W. Bush Presidential Library in Dallas when it opens in 2013. Other items to be displayed include:

• Mark Farner's original handwritten lyrics for "We're an American Band."
• A menu from a Daytona Waffle House.
• A four-foot stack of Tijuana Bibles.
• The "Marmaduke" cartoon from Sept. 11, 2001.
• The collected works of Larry the Cable Guy.
• A bumper sticker that reads "No Fat Chicks."
• A rare, unedited film version of "Smokey and the Bandit."
• The garter from a Reno dancer that hung from the Presidential Limousine's rearview mirror during his first term.
• Some leftover bottle rockets.
• A $600 set of Technics speakers.
• A Revell 1/24 scale model of Truckasaurus.
• Cheney's huntin' rifle.

Sarah Palin's Successor.

Ever since Alaskan Gov. Sarah Palin announced her resignation last week, rumors have spread over who will succeed her. Here's a look at the line of succession in the 5oth state:

1. The Alaskan Secretary of Dental Health.

2. The Alaskan Secretary of Prospecting.

3. The Abominable Snowman.

4. Santa Claus.

5. Carlos Boozer.

Reasons Why Sarah Palin Resigned.

• To spend more time exploiting her family.
• To spend more time listening to the voices in her head.
• So she can finally get back to Katie Couric on that question she asked.
• To be the best darn-tootin', rock-'em-sock'em hockey mom from Wasilla.
• To keep a closer eye on Russia.
• To work on her clothing line for sexy librarians.
• To focus on her 2010 presidential campaign.
• To read all the magazines she subscribes to.
• To be more folksy.

If Jesus Was a Video Store Clerk.

• He would turn VHS tapes into DVDs.
• He would rewind the unwound.
• He would forgive late fees on the Sabbath.
• He would curse Netflix and it would wither.
• He would walk the aisles to assist a customer.
• He would rise from bed to cover a co-worker's shift.
• He would turn over tables of video games and proclaim His store is for the rental of movies, not games.
• He would convert widescreen DVDs to letterbox.
• He would make 100 DVD copies from a single home video.
• He would resurrect Cuba Gooding Jr.'s career.
• He would denounce Hollywood writers as hacks.
• Scratched DVDs would be smoothed when He restocked them.
• He would turn the other cheek when a customer betrayed Him by renting a Jerry Bruckheimer movie.
• He would give authority to His 12 co-workers to smoke behind the store.
• And on the seventh day, He would take a 15-minute rest.

Tips for Firework Safety.

• Never point fireworks in the face of a department store mannequin. It will blow the mannequin's head off.
• Never use a department store mannequin to hold lit firecrackers. Doing so could turn the mannequin's hand into a bloodless stump.
• Keep all lit fireworks away from your produce, especially melons. Accidentally placing lit fireworks near or inside fruits and vegetables can result in massive explosions.
• Never touch a sparkler. Sparklers are for pussies.
• Keep all fireworks away from your face. Use someone else's face instead.
• Keep a bucket of water nearby in case you decide to wash your Camaro.
• As a precaution always click your spurs together and yell "Yeeeeee Hawwwww!!!!" when firing a gun into the air.
• Always remember, "ooohs" are for odd numbered fireworks, "ahhhhs" are for even numbered fireworks.
• If police are called to your property to confiscate your fireworks, hand them over quickly and quietly. Do not lead them to your apocalyptic, end-of-days cache of firearms, materiel and rations in your underground bunker.

How Will Supreme Court Justices Spend Their Summer?

The Supreme Court began its summer recess last week. Here's a look at how the justices will spend their time off:

• John G. "Big John" Roberts: Interning at dad's law office.
• John Paul "The Pope" Stevens: Working out so he can make the court's JV squad in fall.
• Antonin "Tone" Scalia: Chillaxin' and getting tanned.
• Anthony "Not a Real" Kennedy: Opening for Fleetwood Mac on selected tour dates.
• Clarence "Clearance" Thomas: Hedonism II.
• Ruth "Master" Bader Ginsburg: Working as a camp counselor and applying at colleges.
• David "Dave" Souter: Backpacking Europe!!! See ya next year, BITCHES!!
• Stephen "Little Stevie" Bryer: Partyin'!!!!
• Samuel "Mad Sam" Alito: Mowing lawns.

Grant Miller Media: The Worst Daddy Blog of All Time.

I took my youngest daughter, Annie, 5, to Rocket Park on Tuesday. It's right around the corner and the girls have been there thousands of times over the years.

It's our playground. We know everyone who comes and goes. We know where the dogs poop. We know which trees are most climbable and which are best for picnics. We know the sun always sets earlier there than at home. We understand how wind and air pressure plays havoc on Frisbees and we adjust accordingly. We have home field advantage. And we know that the 1960s era playground rocket that gives the park its "street name" is pretty bad ass.

We can spot the newcomers, the divorced dads taking their kids for the weekend, the families just passing through, the day care providers using our park. We let them. We are generous.

When we're at Rocket Park we are a gang, like the El Rukns but with Juicy Juice and sidewalk chalk. All others must pay respect.

Don't believe us? Here's what happened on Tuesday:

Annie was climbing the rocket. On the top rung she lost her step and dinged her shin.

Another girl, not a friend of ours, approached. She was about the same age as Annie.

"I know why she fell," she yelled pointing at Annie crying on the ground. "She fell because she was wearing flip-flops. You're not supposed to wear flip flops to the park because you might fall."

I was about to call bullshit on this little girl, but she walked away. She didn't ask if Annie was okay, or try to help. She just scolded her for wearing flip flops. Bitch.

That's why it was just too sweet to see her climb onto another nearby slide no more than a minute later and see her fall smack down on the slide, face first and cry like a little girl.

Don't bring that shit to our park, motherfucker.