Are You Playing a Bootleg Beatles Rockband?

"The Beatles: Rockband" video game is set for release next week, but pirated copies are turning up already online and elsewhere. Here are signs the game you're playing is a bootleg:

• Images of Lennon and McCartney are replaced by those of Milli and Vanilli.
• Instead of original studio recordings, Beatles songs are performed by musical kitties.
• Guitar controllers are just empty tissue boxes and some rubber bands.
• The song "Taxman" is 45-minute infomercial from H&R Block.
• It's just an old Pong game set to a Wings soundtrack.
• Feelings of Beatlemania are replaced with Legionnaire's Disease.
• "I Want to Hold Your Hand" is titled "I Want to Hold Your Hamhock."

Rejected Titles for Dick Cheney's Memoirs.

• "Shooting Your Friends in the Face for Dummies."
• "My Life as an NBA Journeyman." (Sorry, that's a title for Calbert Cheaney's memoirs)
• "Go Fuck Yourself."
• "Erotic Drawings I Made While Sequestered in My Secret Bunker."
• "[REDACTED] of the [REDACTED] for [REDACTED] [REDACTED]."
• "Unabridged Dick."
• "Getting to Yes Okay Okay I'll Tell You Anything Just Don't Kill Me!!!!"
• "My Life as the 43rd President, I Mean 46th Vice President."
• "I Was the Phantom." (Sorry, that's a title for Lon Chaney's memoirs)
• "The Dirtiest Limericks in the Whole Wide World."
• "A Child's First Book of Waterboarding."
• "101 Common Household Items You Can Use to Get People to Talk."
• "My Pet Goat: The Vengence."
• "Adam Clymer is a Major League Asshole."
• "The Seven Habits of Highly Secretive People."
• "I Know What You Did Last Summer Because I Ordered the Secret Service, CIA, FBI, NSA, and the Daughters of the American Revolution to Track Your Every Move."

The Resumé of a Carny.

Click the picture for a closer look.

S. African Athlete Returns Home After Gender Dispute.

Caster Semenya, the female South African sprinter whose gender was disputed before a race last week in Berlin, received a "heroine's welcome" upon her return to Johannesburg Monday. Semenya was forced to undergo an extensive "gender test" before competing in the women's 800 metres, a race she eventually won.

Grant Miller Media obtained a copy of the test via a Freedom of Infotainment Act and is posting it here as a courtesy to its readers:

1. Uh. Do you like have a thingy or whatever?
2. Hehehe. Yeah. You know, like a little man inside your shorts or something?
3. Uh or like a peepee kinda thing?
4. Uh. Can you like pee standing up?
5. Hehehe. Or spell out your name when you pee in the snow? Have you ever done that?
6. Do you like movies with lots of car chases and explosions and stuff?
7. Have you uh, ever, you know, "pitched a tent"...if you know what I mean?
8. Uh. You ever have to like "lube the chassis"...if you know what I mean?
9. Have you ever felt the "wrath of Khan" if you get what I'm saying?
10. This is a psychological question: Do you like donuts or long johns?
11. This is another psychological question: Do you like clams or bratwurst?
12. Okay. Here's one more psychological question: Which would you put on your pizza - mushrooms or sausage or something or would just order a fish fillet?
13. Okay. I got another psychological question - and this one is deep: You're at a theater and there are only two movies playing: "Gladiator" and "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood." Which one do you see?
14. You ever like "gone commando?"
15. Seriously, are you like a dude?

Castro Makes First TV Appearance Since 2008.

Former Cuban leader Fidel Castro made his first televised appearance in more than a year on Saturday in a video run on a state-run network. Castro, 83, resigned the presidency last year after undergoing intestinal surgery in 2006. Here are some of the surprises from Castro's televised appearance:

• Was accompanied by a towheaded, 8-year-old named Cousin Pepe.
• Upon entry, Castro rapped a nearby jukebox and mariachi music began to play.
• Received a rousing ovation when he gave his trademark thumbs up and catch phrase "Aye-aye-ayeeee!!!"
• Nancy Reagan's appearance encouraging Cubans to "decir no las drugas."
• Castro's brother, Raul, was portrayed by handsome actor Ted McGinley.
• Announced he's moving in with a total neat-freak when he moves to his new pad in...Miami!!!
• He jumped on the couch while proclaiming his love for his new girlfriend.
• All the blantant product placements.
• The bitchy reaction he got from "Simoné de Cowell."
• Was relieved by Mariano Rivera.

Fact!

The hardest working people in America find value at Farm & Fleet.

First They Came For...

First they came for the health insurance companies,

and I did not speak out because I was not a health insurance company.

Then they came for the health care lobbyists,

and I did not speak out because I was not a health care lobbyist.

Then they came for the political action committees,

and I did not speak out because I was not a political action committee

Then they came after my grandmother

And government-sponsored health care killed her because there was no private alternative...

Get BIG GOVERNMENT Out of the Medical LICENSING Business!!!

As many of you know, I am a great PATRIOT. Like all great PATRIOTS, I love MY COUNTRY. And like all great PATRIOTS, I am REQUIRED to RANDOMLY capitalize words.

These RANDOMLY capitalized words express my EXTREME positions on everything from keeping the GOVERNMENT out of our daily lives to ENDING OUR DEPENDENCE on foreigners!!!

It's also VERY IMPORTANT to end sentences with SEVERAL exclamation MARKS!!!! And to avoid RANDOMLY capitalizing INDIVIDUAL letters like tHiS bEcAuSe that's simply STUPID!!! AND WE WILL NOT STAND FOR IT ANYMORE!!!!

But I am WRITING to YOU, my fellow AMERICANS, on a different TOPIC.

We must get OUR GOVERNMENT out of the business of giving MEDICAL LICENSES to doctors!!!

Why should OUR GOVERNMENT be allowed to say who's a doctor and who's not??? SHOULDN'T such private decisions be left to REAL AMERICANS - the one's who pay OUR PRESIDENT'S salary??? The one's who will SUFFER MOST if we see an incompetent, illiterate and PARTIALLY BLIND oncologist???

I don't want some OVERPAID BUREAUCRAT telling me I'M UNQUALIFIED to remove MY NEIGHBOR'S TUMOR!!! I'll give you MY SCALPEL when you take it FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS!!!! Or, if I ACCIDENTALLY leave it in my neighbor's abdomen after performing a RISKY and highly UNNECESSARY surgery, I suppose you CAN HAVE IT THEN, TOO!!!

Why do these WASHINGTON CLOWNS think they can tell me - a REAL PATRIOT - that I can't prescribe MEDICINE just because I have no understanding of how drugs affect THE HUMAN BODY??? Oh, I guess I have to attend some KIND OF state licensed and ACCREDITED medical school for that!!!

Well, I've had ENOUGH!!!!

That's why I'm ENCOURAGING you, my FELLOW AMERICANS, to contact your CONGRESSMAN TODAY!!! Let him know we still live in a FREE COUNTRY and that FREEDOM should allow ANYONE to perform SURGERY OR PRESCRIBE MEDICINE!!!! Not just the DOCTORS and PHARMACISTS licensed by our SOCIALIST OVERLORDS!!!

What is Your Blood Type? Take the Grant Miller Media Quiz and Find Out!!

Are you the life of the party and get along with everybody? Or are you the type that absolutely dies when forced to mingle with people different than you? Are you a martyr - always eager to help but quick to reject others? If you're not sure or just want to learn more about your blood, take this quiz and find out!

1. What's your favorite color?

a. Red.

b. Blue.

c. Reddish blue.

d. Bluish red.

2. When you walk into a party, you:

a. Mingle with others who share common interests.

b. Mingle with your group and maybe another.

c. Mingle with everybody.

d. Reject everyone except people exactly like you.

3. In your family you're know as:

a. A.

b. B.

c. AB.

d. O.

4. You hate:

a. Vampires.

b. Goths.

c. Needles.

d. That Edward Cullen dude.

5. You fall and hurt yourself. You:

a. Form a pool on the ground.

b. Splatter onlookers.

c. Clot.

d. Seep into the surrounding tissue.

6. It's Friday night, what are you doing:

a. Delivering necessary substances to internal organs.

b. Transporting waste from internal organs.

c. Cruising through the body via a complex series of vessels.

d. Causing organs to become engorged...if you know what I mean!!!

If you answered mostly "A" you are Type A blood.

If you answered mostly "B" you are Type B blood.

If you answered mostly "C" you are Type AB blood.

If you answered mostly "B" you are Type O blood.

India Unveils Google Earth Rival.

Google Earth has some new competition - "Bhuvan," a 3D mapping application developed by the Indian Space Research Organization. Here are some of the application's unique features:

• Searches interwoven with catchy, musical dance routines.
• Allows users to completely wipe Pakistan off the face of the Earth.
• Comes with a side of chutney.
• Users must engage in acts of civil disobedience and hunger strikes to uninstall Google Earth before installing Bhuvan.
• Instead of a compass with just four directions, Bhuvan uses a legend with eight directions and an all-seeing eye.

Photos I Shot of the Perseid Meteor Shower!!!

If you missed the Perseid Meteor Shower early Wednesday, too bad! It was AMAZING!!! I woke up extra early and snapped these pictures in my back yard. Here's what you missed:

First picture I took, in the southern sky.

This is what I saw looking north.

This was to the east.

I'm not even sure what this is, but it was amazing.

Set the camera to black and white for this shot.

Got this with a telephoto lens. Pretty nice, huh?

Who Really Killed Eunice Kennedy Shriver?

Eunice Kennedy Shriver, sister of President Kennedy, Robert Kennedy and Sen. Ted Kennedy, died today at the age of 88. Several reports point to a stroke as the cause of death.

But could a lone stroke have killed Shriver?

There is sufficient evidence Shriver actually was the victim of multiple strokes.

A careful, frame-by-frame study of brain scans reveals the strokes actually were generated from different directions at precisely the same time. How can one stroke be in two - maybe even three - places at once? It's impossible.

It's much to easier to pin Shriver's death on a lone, rogue stroke, even though the theory of multiple strokes is far more likely.

But doctors, the FBI and the CIA and J. Edgar Hoover and oil companies and the Pentagon and the men's room attendant at the White house clearly have something to hide.

Surprisingly, Shriver's death coincides with the 50th anniversary of the Cuban Revolution. Fidel Castro, who has been in and out of hospitals in recent years, certainly had the motive and the means to attack Shriver. Or were Cuban exiles still fuming over the Bay of Pigs incident to blame?

We may never know the truth behind Shriver's death without a full investigation by a congressional commission or an independent investigator.

Five Ways to Make Your Home Green.

1. Paint your house green. This is a real no brainer, folks. Doesn't take a rocket scientist - just get some spray paint and start covering the house with green. There. Done. Ecological crisis averted.
2. Check your insulation. Go into your attic and check the insulation. Is it pink and looks like cotton candy? Well, it's not cotton candy so don't eat it. Rip it out and replace it with cotton candy. Now it is safe to eat.
3. Plug air leaks. Air leaks are a huge waste of energy so here's what you'll want to do: Take out your caulk and make it nice and firm so it will plug any gaping holes. Repeatedly jam your caulk into the hole until the white paste oozes from the hole. Then have a cigarette to relax.
4. Go low-flow. Install low-flow showerheads that reduce consumption without sacrificing water pressure. In fact, just skip showers entirely and cover yourself in patchouli oil you damn hippy.
5. Change your light bulbs. Replace your incandescent light bulbs with blacklights. Then get some of those fuzzy blacklight posters. Those are cool. Like, get one of Jimi Hendrix or Jim Morrison. Or there's this one that says "Led Zeppelin" and shows a picture of some old dude on a mountain top. It's pretty rad. Or have you ever seen a Yes album cover? Dude, those are so trippy. You should totally get one like that.

Maryland Moves to Eliminate Invasive Fish.

Maryland officials on Sunday began poisoning three ponds near Baltimore in an attempt to rid local waterways of the invasive northern snakehead fish. The species is native to China and has no predator in North America. It is blamed for thinning other local aquatic life and some experts believe it may adapt to regional waters presenting a greater danger.

Of particular concern are the snakehead's following features:

• Survive briefly out of water.
• Crawls small, damp surfaces to reach other bodies of water.
• A driver's license.
• Owns several credit cards.
• Smoke cigarettes.
• Disguises itself as a novelty, singing mounted fish.
• Operates a vast, shadowy Ponzi scheme.
• Speaks with a foreign accent that makes women weak at the knees.
• Hacks e-mails with ease.
• Experienced with identity theft.
• Adept prank caller.
• Never calls back even when he says he will.

Guest Blogger: Grant's Mom.

Grant! Grant! Get in here. Now, Mister.

Why do you have me blogging on a Sunday? Do you have any idea what day it is? It's Sunday. Don't you know I don't blog on Sundays, Grant.

Now get in that car right now Mr. Miller. You are coming to the Kane County Flea Market right, now. Right this instant.

What's so funny? I don't see what's so funny. You think it's just hilarious don't you? Making your mom blog on a Sunday. Well, here's something funny for you - No car for a week. Let's see how you like that, Mr. Man.

Yeah, a real funny guy, Grant. You yuck it up all you want. Hey, I think it's funny, too. Because now you have to go to the flea market with me because you can't go anywhere else.

Go ahead call David or Josh...or what's his name, the tall boy you're friends with...Brian. Go ahead. Call them and tell them you can't go anywhere because you're taking your bitch of a mother to the flea market.

See, that's what I think is funny. Mr. Funnypants.

Trying to get me to blog on a Sunday. Nobody reads a blog on a Sunday. For chrissakes.

And Now, a Moment With Andy Rooney.

I eat five or six different snacks each week and I eat a lot of potato chips. There are baked chips, kettle chips, corn chips, cheesy chips, spicy chips and tortilla chips. But when you talk about potato chips the first brand that comes to my mind is Pringles.

I don't know what a Pringle is or why a Pringle is a potato chip. Sounds like a nonsense word to me, but some people say I'm full of nonsense.

Pringles are shaped differently than most potato chips. Open any bag of chips and you'll find many different shapes, nothing is uniform about any of them. But every Pringle is shaped just like the one next to it - oval and slightly bowed.

I don't know if the shape is part of the recipe, but if it's not it should be. Coca-Cola wouldn't be Coca-Cola were it not for that curved bottle and I suspect Pringles are the same.

Pringles are the only chips that come in a can. Walk down the chip aisle of any supermarket and you won't find any chips in cans. Except Pringles. Sure, you might find shoestring potatoes in a can. But those aren't chips. At least I don't think they're chips.

Some of our best food comes in cans. Take beans for instance. There are baked beans, black beans, lima beans and even navy beans all in cans. But none of those are stacked like Pringles.

On the front of a Pringles can, there's a drawing of a man with an English moustache. Why he has an English moustache I don't know, but I suspect it doesn't have anything to do with potato chips.

A few years ago, our Vice President Dan Quayle had a hard time spelling potato. He spelled it with an "e."

I hope he can spell Pringles.

Am I Right Folks???

Didja hear about that New Jersey blogger who got strung up on federal charges for threatening politicians in Connecticut? Yeah, I guess the Federalies think he was inciting his readers to harm these pols.

Hey, if the feds can bust a blogger for inciting violence, can't they do something about all those damn knitting blogs??? I mean Jeezus!!! Am I right folks???

Okay, so maybe knitting blogs don't threaten anybody. But they do incite people to get violent - violently ill!!!

You know what I call those knitting blogs? The axis of needle!!!!

Or what about that mom up in Alaska who got busted for letting her 7-year-old son drive. Hey it could have been worse - she could have handed the keys over to her sled dog!!!

I guess the kid wasn't too bad a driver, next year he's gonna enter the IKIDarod!!!!

I don't see what the big deal is, every Christmas some fat guy in a red suit hops in a sleigh that flies through the sky on magic reindeer! Could the kid do much worse???

What will those Ruskies think of next??? Looks like Big Red is telling people to drink whiskey to ward off the swine flu! Hey, I don't need any government telling me to drink whiskey! I do just fine by myself!!!

What they don't tell you is whiskey leads to a bunch of other health problems. Look at me I drink whiskey and now I suffer from ex-wife disease!!! I call it alimonitis!!! In some cases, the health problems don't show up right away. They usually take nine months!!!

Speaking of drunks...How about that Belleville guy busted for driving his lawn mower blitzed!!! Yeah, guess what brand of mower it was - John Beer!!!! Hey I know you shouldn't do grass and drive, but this takes it too far!!!

Jesus!!!

Stash Bednarik is a lifelong nudist and resident of Whiting, Indiana. He is the newest associate editor at Grant Miller Media and completing a degree at Phoenix University. His column, "Am I Right Folks???," appears on Thursdays.

WTF is a Twitter?

Hey, it's Warren.

Yeah, just got a panicky e-mail from the Big Dog. Said something about his twitter going down or something and no one will be able to check his "amazing tweets."

Look, I don't wanna know anything about the Big Dog's twitter. You know, whatever he does behind closed doors is up to him. Count me out.

But if he's gonna leave me in charge here while he's "resting," I need full creative control, like I had on "Heaven Can Wait." Did you ever see that move? Great piece of work. Seriously great. Had a real "Juliet of the Spirits" feel to it, but not all druggy.

I don't know. Maybe the rest of you are scared about your tweeter. Whatevs.

Might as well make the best of it and get comfortable here at Grant Miller Media, you know? Reminds me of this one time back in 1982 when I got stranded in a little cottage outside Reno during a blizzard. It was just me and a couple of TWA stewardesses. Yeah we made the best of it. We made the best of it eight or nine times that weekend.

Yeah, that was good.

Smell ya later,

WB

Awwwwwwwww! Owwwwwww!

Oooooooooooooohowwwwww!

Hey another spectacularly captivating world premier blog post by yours truly, Diiiiiiiiamond Dave David Leeeeeee Roth. I'm here for you girls and boys, boys and girls and gettin' down to some business and the business at hand. You won't be able to put it down cuz it's gonna get hotttt.

Okay, I'm here to discuss one thing and one thing only today, all right? And it's something very near and dear to my heart. I'm talking about global warming bedee pop bop pow!!!!!

Last month, G8 leaders finally made a formal declaration acknowledging global warming as a problem caused by human activity and resolved to lower future carbon emissions. I attended the conference and was surprised so many countries with differing geopolitical interests could reach such a broad agreement.

Oh yeah!!$#$&*@!!!

But the facts are irrefutable. In 2005, global temperatures were the highest on record and rose more than 0.6 degrees celsius over the past three decades. Unless the industrialized nations take drastic actions, sea levels will rise, causing extreme weather conditions, flooding and acidification caused by increased CO2 emissions. Bedee Bop!

When meeting with G8 leaders in L'Aquila last month, I stressed the need to limit carbon emissions by at least 80 percent by mid-century. The request was met with some skepticism, but even the most ardent industrialists agreed existing standards are inadequate.

My response, of course, was "oooooooowwwww WOWWWWWW!"

In a speech before G8 leaders, I noted we were running a little bit hot tonight and that I could barely see the road from the effects of global warming coming on. In fact, global warming is such a serious issue, I was forced to reach down between my legs and ease the seat back.

Make no mistake, if drastic measures are not taken we all may go crazy from the heat.

Hey Bros.

Hey Bros. It's Warren.

Look, I got some highly sensitive info. Something nobody knows about and I mean no one, comprendé?

The Big Dog is taking some "time off." Yeah, that's right. Old high and mighty himself, Grant Miller, has left the building. Gone. Out. Finito.

He didn't want to say anything and I think you know why, but he's leaving this whole media operation to us peons for a few days.

Oh jeez, thanks for the warning, WTF?

Now, I don't wanna say why the Big Dog is "taking a break." But let's just say he and Lindsay Lohan are gonna have a lot to catch up on - you get my drift??? They're going to have a lot to catch up on...right??? Him and Lindsay Lohan. I hope I don't have to spell this out for you.

Saw the same stuff happen to my man Gary Busey. Loved that guy. But me? I never touch the stuff. Never have. Never will.

So until the Big Dog gets with it, it's me, Andy Rooney, my man Stash, some guy called Diamond Dave and who knows who else. It should be crazy, bro.

l8r h8r,

War

Happy Birthday, President Obama!

President Obama is 48-years-old today. Obama is the fifth youngest to serve in the executive office. Here's a look at the five youngest presidents and their age at inauguration:

President Theodore Roosevelt, 42.

President Kennedy, 43.

President Clinton, 46.

George "Spanky" McFarland, 7.

President Obama, 47.

Lesser Known Varieties of the Disco Stick.

• The Jazz-Fusion Wand.
• The Low-Fi Baton.
• The ProgRock Prong.
• The Power Metal Bat.
• The Adult Contemporary Pole.
• The Trad-Jazz Twig.
• The Christian Black Metal Stave.
• The Grunge Drumstick.
• The Alt-Country Staff.
• The Math Rock Rod.
• The Rockabilly Cane.
• The Alternative Dance Club.

New Kittens!

The Miller family welcomed five adorable, cuddly new kittens into our home on Friday! They are soooooooo CUTE!!!!!! It's so sweet when they fall asleep in your hand or when they trip over each other chasing a kitty toy! It makes your heart melt! We named them when we got home and here they are:

Mephistopheles.

Cthulhu.

Serpent of Darkness.

Lucifer.

Nancy Grace.