Question.

Dear Readers,

If there's a Comcast guy working on the cable lines outside your house, can he like "see" what you're doing on the computer?

Sincerely,

Grant Miller, Esq.

Lesser Known Documentaries by Ken Burns.

• "Jazzercise!"
• "The Mini Malls: America's Worst Idea."
• "The Cola War."
• "Lewis and Martin: The Journey of the Corps of Hilarity."
• "Ken Burns: Remembering Ken Burns."
• "Old-Timey Stock Footage set To Melancholy Acoustic Guitar Music."
• "GM and Bank of America: An Ode to the Corporations Sponsoring Ken Burns Films."
• "Grainy, Black and White Film of my Neighbor Sunbathing."
• "Some Random Shit I Filmed in Sepia Tone."
• "Sophia Loren, Raquel Welch and Other Women I Hope to Land by Filming a Documentary About Them."
• "Americans Doing the Most Mundane Things."
• "Unforgivable Blackness: The Time I Accidentally Left the Lens Cap on the Camera."
• "1,001 Great Leftover Dinner Ideas."

Obama, Oprah Push for Chicago Olympics.

President Obama and Oprah are among those headed to Copenhagen, Denmark this week in a final push to bring the 2016 Olympic Games to Chicago. If accepted, several new Olympic events unique to Chicago will be unveiled at the games. They include:

• Timed parking spot savers competition with regulation lawn chair equipment.
• Synchronized Embezzling.
• The Worst Super Fan Imitation.
• The Tommy Gun Biathlon.
• The Pothole Jump.
• Freestyle Skimming.
• The Al Capone Vault.
• 10,000 metres sit in traffic - am I right folks???!!!.
• Turning Right on a Red Light Relay.
• Giangreco Roman Wrestling.
• Men's Downhill Svengoolie.
• Peter Francis Geracing!!!
• The Celozzi Freelift.
• The Uncle Bobby Sled.
• Additionally, gold medalists will be termed "Berwynners!"

Report: Half a Million Kids Suffer Bad Drug Reactions Annually.

A study in October's Pediatrics journal estimates 585,000 kids suffer adverse reactions to drugs every year in the U.S. Here's a look at the drugs and their common side effects:

• Marijuana: Kids taking marijuana for medicinal purposes are three times more likely to suffer "bad vibes." Other adverse reactions included a heightened interest in Tibetan freedom, "Mystery Science Theater," Fritos and an immunity to patchouli.
• Whippits: Kids prescribed whippits may experience mild euphoria after ingesting the nitrous oxide. This brief reaction is followed by an overwhelming malaise caused by the child realizing only losers do whippits.
• Thai White Diamond: Teens complaining of side effects caused by Thai white diamond are lying because I totally just made that up. But you must admit, it'd make a great name for a street drug.
• Glue: Side effects caused from sniffing glue include sticky boogers, globby snots, melded nasal hairs and the cure for cancer.

41 Tips on How to Be Cool.

The following are the cool way to do things:

1. Cool way to pick your nose: With your pinky - it looks fancier.
2. Cool way to give someone the finger: When extending the middle finger, the index and ring fingertips should touch the middle finger side just above the knuckle. The index and ring knuckles should stick forward 3/4 an inch.
3. Cool way to sit on a folding chair: Backwards, straddling the seat with both legs.
4. Cool way to do the devil's horns thing with your hand: Extend both arms above your head and widely extend the pinky and index finger. Use the thumb to clasp the middle and ringer fingers in place. Screaming or using both hands to emphasize the sign is optional.
5. Cool way to hand someone a business card: Pinch the card between the pointer and middle finger, like a cigarette.
6. Cool way to smoke: There is no clear definition as smoking is inherently cool. However, it is strongly advised to begin smoking at a young age because that is much cooler. People who begin smoking in their 30s or beyond are not cool.
7. Cool way to put on a pair of pants: Sitting on a bed, chair or similar surface place the left foot into the left pant leg first. Stand up and perform the same move using the right foot into the right pant leg.
8. Cool way to wave a pedestrian or another driver to go first: Simultaneously extend your index and middle fingers. Next, move the entire hand - not just the fingers - in the direction you want the other person to move.
9. Cool way to pay at the tollbooth: Open the window and without looking flick in the change in the direction of the toll basket. DO NOT wait for the light to turn green, once you've paid it is vital to peel out of the toll booth.
10. Cool way to decide with co-workers on where to go for lunch: Approach your co-workers and ask "You eat?"
11. Cool way to answer the phone: Avoid saying hello and instead simply state your name. Bonus coolness if state only your last name.
12. Cool way to shoot a kid's squirt gun: Hold it sideways and point.
13. Cool way to recycle dryer sheets: Keep the used dryer sheets at the bottom of the laundry basket after you finish folding clothes. Maintain this for weeks until you've collected 30 or more dryer sheets. Then throw them out.
14. Cool way to open a ketchup packet: Using your teeth, bite into the packet and rip a hole. Then spit out an packet fragments that you ingest in the process.
15. Cool way to cross the street: Keep your head pointed forward and use your eyes to scan for traffic from left to right. Once in the street, do not look at traffic or cars coming toward you and do not run.
16. Cool way to carry a pack back: On the left shoulder.
17. Cool way to shower: Stand, arms folded, for three minutes, facing away from the shower head. Take another three minutes to shampoo and wash your body. Be sure to check your hands for hair and post any strands on the shower stall tile. Do not turn on the fan until after you exit the shower.
18. Cool way to be photographed: Appear moody and do not look into the camera lens. Look beyond the camera and use black and white film.
19. Cool way to clean up hairballs from your cat: Wait for the hairball to dry and hope that someone else gets it first. If not, use a minimum of six paper towels to wipe up the mess.
20. Cool way to clip fingernails: Always use a toenail clipper for both hands and feet.
21. Cool way to acknowledge someone you see on the street: Simply tilt your head backward until they do they same.
22. Cool way to sign e-mails: Use only your initials.
23. Cool way to surf the Internet: Wearing sunglasses in a darkened room while listening to 1990s techno.
24. Cool way to wear a towel in the locker room: Wrap the towel around your lower torso and knot it on your left side, just before the pelvic bone.
25. Cool way to laugh at something funny: Laugh quietly, point and say "Oh my God that's hilarious."
26. Cool way to talk: Use one of those Stephen Hawking voice boxes. Or, if that is unavailable, a Peter Frampton Talk Box.
27. Cool way to eat hummus: Take two bite sized Tostitos brand tortilla chips and scoop the hummus in a circular, clockwise fashion.
28. Cool way to open a browser: Using Safari or Firefox, open automatically to your iGoogle page.
29. Cool way to answer a question, any question: Nod your head to one side and raise your hands as if to say "huh." Then look down, briefly and say "Whatever."
30. Cool way to wait in line for a flu shot: While wearing sunglasses, wait in line listening to 1990s techno on your iPod.
31. Cool way to skip: Skip but when someone asks why you're skipping say it's because you're totally making fun of some guy you saw.
32. Cool way to hang out at the playground: Just do pull-ups on the monkey bars the whole time, breaking only to check out your biceps.
33. Cool way to shake up bottled orange juice in the morning: Always shake with up and down movements, never side to side.
34. Cool way to drink a cup of coffee: After taking a sip, make a frown face with your lower lip and then audibly say "ahh" in a low, barely audible gravely voice.
35. Cool way to act cool: Just stand around and try to look cool. Practice in the mirror at home before going out.
36. Cool way to spell cool: "Coole."
37. Cool way to squint: Squint a little but not too much. Just enough so you can see. Also, be sure to chew on a toothpick.
38. Cool way to hand someone money: Fold the bill length wise and pinch the money between your index and middle fingers.
39. Cool way to sleep: On your back with your left leg out exposed while the rest of your body is covered.
40. Cool way to steer a car: Using your right hand to grab the top of the steering wheel while your left hand plays with a Zippo lighter.
41. Cool way to check out a book from the library: Find the book you want to read and then approach the check out desk. Tell the librarian you forgot your library card and ask her politely to look it up.

Record Anglo-Saxon Treasures Discovered.

A collection of 1,350 early Anglo-Saxon items discovered in July by an amateur British archaeologist went on display this week. Here's a look at some of the ancient Anglo-Saxon items discovered:

• A prehistoric recording of Coldplay.
• Jars of mayonnaise dating from 100 A.D.
• The Shroud of IKEA.
• A pair of adobe Crocs.
• Cave drawings of a Toyota Prius.
• A J. Crew catalog printed on papyrus leaves.
• First season Beta tapes of "Mad Men."
• The fossilized imprint of a Simple Living magazine subscription card.
• A mystical bottle filled with white zin.
• Tablets containing daily status updates.
• An oil lamp that when rubbed magically applies SPF 65 tanning oil.

An Open Letter to the G20 Leaders.

Dear G20 Leaders,

Pittsburgh? Really? Pittsburgh? Are you sure about that? Because you could go anywhere in the world - you are the world - and you chose Pittsburgh?

What - was the Tulsa Ramada booked this week? Was there a tractor pull at the Winnipeg Conference Center? Couldn't get the rooms you wanted at the Akron Howard Johnson? Look, you're not the Independent Carpet Distributors of America - you're the friggin' G20. You can go anywhere!

Have any of you even been to Pittsburgh? You know what's fun to do in Pittsburgh? Getting back on the plane, turning around and going home. Yeah, it's that exciting. No offense to the fine people of Pittsburgh, but the town is a complete and utter cesspool filled with fecal matter.

Look at this list and decide which doesn't belong: Berlin, Beijing, Washington, London, Pittsburgh. If you said Pittsburgh then hey - you're probably not from Pittsburgh because you can read.

Don't worry about terrorism in Pittsburgh. Not even terrorists are dumb enough to go there - they'd think it was bombed already.

Have fun in Pittsburgh.

Sincerely,

Grant Miller, Esq.

New Teen Dora Episodes Announced.

A new program featuring an older and more mature Dora the Explorer will premiere this fall on Nickelodeon. Here's a list of first season episodes obtained by Grant Miller Media:

1. "A Day at the DMV" Pilot.
2. "Sometimes Suicide is the Answer."
3. "When Does Experimenting Become a Lifestyle?"
4. "Sleepover at the Bus Station."
5. "My Dad Lives in a Motel."
6. "Boots Drinks too Much."
7. "Dora Gets a Tattoo."
8. "It Burns."
9. "Craigslist Adventure!!!"
10. "The Girl with The Lazy Eye."
11. "Spring Break in Cancun."
12. "The Body in the Apartment Next Door."
13. "I'll Give You My Gun When You Take it From My Cold Dead Hands."
14. "Pictures for MySpace."
15. "The Boys Behind 7-11 Smoke."
16. "The Seven Words You Can't Say on Television in Spanish!"
17. "How Much for a Fake ID?"
18. "Backwards: Kids With Dyslexia Are Funny."
19. "Dora Crosses the Border to Buy Steroids."
20. "The Boy Who Counted Cards."
21. "Dora Gets Mild Indigestion."
22. "Runaway!!!"

Irving Kristol, 89, Dies Conservatively

Leading conservative columnist Irving Kristol died fiscally responsibly on Friday. According to published reports, Kristol died from reactionary complications of lung cancer caused by years of being right.

Although doctors liberally administered medical care, the tumor was considered too progressive. Doctors tried reviving Kristol's heart only to learn he didn't have one.

Doctors described his passing as "Regeanesque."

Kristol revolutionized the neo-death movement, arguing that normal exhaling of carbon dioxide created a welfare state for plants. Kristol edited Commentary and Dissent until the journals merged to create Dysentery*.

Kristol is survived by his wife, daughter and son, Bill Kristol, of the Weekly Standard.

*Joke stolen directly from Woody Allen.

America's Most Wanted Terrorists.

The recent arrests of four men in Denver and New York has stepped up surveillance of possible terrorist cells operating in the U.S. In an effort to assist law enforcement, Grant Miller Media is posting the pictures of several known terrorists. If you recognize any of these men, please contact authorities immediately:

This guy.

These dudes.

Dudes with bazookas.

Justin Timberlake with cornrows.

Styrofoam heads with ski masks.

Most and Least Common Search Words Used to Find Grant Miller Media.

The Most Common:

1. who's gay in hollywood
2. milton berle penis
3. scat blogspot
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The Least Common:

1. who's getting gay today in hollywood?
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Random Songs on My iPod.

1. "Billie Jean" Michael Jackson.
2. "Kindling for the Master" Stephen Malkmus.
3. "Suffragette City" David Bowie.
4. "Almost Grown" David Bowie.
5. "I Had My Chance" Morphine.
6. "No Surprises" Radiohead.
7. "Our House" Madness.
8. "Cotton Crown" Sonic Youth.
9. "Running to Stand Still" U2.
10. "#1 Hit Song" Minutemen.
11. "Portions for Foxes" Rilo Kiley.
12. "The Witch" Clinic.
13. "Handsome Devil" The Smiths.
14. "Noise Noise Noise" The Damned.
15. "Full Moon (Reprise)" Swell Maps.

What Are the Hot Passwords for Fall 2009?? Grant Miller Media Has the Answers!!

Fall is just around the corner and that means computers everywhere will begin prompting users to update their passwords. What are the hot passwords this fall? Grant Miller Media has the answers!

Hot:

h0tti33

hawty69

m1am1h3at

hothothot123

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hothotm3at

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Not Hot:

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How to Get a Free Room Upgrade in Las Vegas.

Las Vegas is the world's playground. You'll have a great time in Vegas even in a seedy, little $30. But you can still get a great room at a rock-bottom price with a little finesse:

1. Be a famous celebrity: If you're already a famous celebrity, great you're halfway to getting a five-star room at a low, low price. If not, why are you reading Grant Miller Media? This website is for the cultural elite, unfathomably affluent, and remarkably gorgeous. Take your poorhouse, library computer browser and stick it where the sun don't shine, tubby.
2. Complain about the horse head in your bed: This is more common than you think - some drunky carpet salesman attends a conference, gets a little mouthy with a dealer or walks out with an extra $100 chip and the Mob gets all touchy. Next thing you know, Mr. Tulsa wakes up covered in horse blood with an amputated head under his sheets. Take this up with the hotel manager and you're guaranteed a free upgrade.
3. Invite your friends: Everybody loves a weekend in Vegas. Get 11 or 12 of your most handsome friends and rob the vaults of the Bellagio, Mirage and MGM Grand on the night of a big fight. Then do it again three years later with shittier writing and more cameos.
4. Find a roommate: If you read the fine print on the back of a hotel room door you'll see rooms are charged a single rate plus an extra $2 for each additional person. Find someone who already has a room and just throw him a couple bucks and stay there.
5. Aim low: Just start at a really lousy, cheap motel. Once you upgrade to a Best Western you'll think it's the friggin' Plaza.

From WWE to GOP: McMahon Running for Senate.

World Wrestling Entertainment CEO Linda McMahon announced Wednesday she will seek the Connecticut GOP nomination for a potential 2010 Senate race against Democrat incumbent Chris Dodd. Here's a look at McMahon's platform:

• Improve America's rumble readiness.
• Open diplomatic talks between the U.S. and the Iron Sheik.
• Enforce stricter folding-chair laws.
• Make the Air Force more superfly.
• Fight illegal immigration by enclosing the U.S. in a cage.
• Supports a woman's right to mix martial, marital arts.
• Backs reparations for victims of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.
• Opposes term limits; Supports "Total Nonstop Caucusing."

Tips for Throwing a Great Surprise Party!

• Perform a highly ceremonial and solemn blood oath on all invited guests to maintain the strictest code of silence, or "Omerta," on matters related to the surprise party.
• Explain - in no uncertain terms - the consequences for failing to maintain total and complete secrecy while planning the surprise party.
• Monitor your invited guests. Who do they call on the phone? What are their e-mail login and passwords? Sift through their garbage and recycling. The key to a surprise party is the element of surprise. It's your duty to make sure the secrecy is never compromised.
• Use a complex language of runes, Roman numerals and zodiac symbols when writing invitations. If discovered, the cryptic symbols will prove indecipherable except to invited guests.
• Build your own location for the party. Do not use an existing facility or safe house for the event - these could easily be discovered and ruin the party's clandestine nature. Instead scavenge the nearby countryside for materials that can be built into a hut or shelter for the party.
• All surprises are based on deception. Therefore all surprise parties are based on deception. Be extremely subtle even to the point of formlessness. Be extremely mysterious even to the point of soundlessness. Thereby you can be the director of your guest of honor's fate.
• He who is prudent and lies in wait for the guest of honor will throw a memorable surprise party.
• Prepare to wait for hours, days or even weeks for the "SURPRISE" moment. Stockpile sufficient rations, potable water, medical supplies and ammunition. Anything left over can be used for the party.
• Use war paint to disguise your identity. Conceal your movements by following an animal's tracks or scent to the party location.
• Operate in shadows.
• Avoid using the phone or e-mail to discuss operations. Speak in code when discussing the party in person. Never discuss the party with more than one person at a time.
• Employ PsyOps to disorient and confuse the guest of honor. This will give invited guests greater ease of movement leading to the party.
• Consider hiring outside contractors to deliver the guest of honor to the predetermined party location. Contractors should conceal their identity, wear only dark clothing and ski masks and must not speak. It's also a good idea to transport the guest of honor in a windowless and untraceable white van.
• Serve both regular and decaf coffee with the cake.

Transcripts of the New Bin Laden Message.

A new audio recording believed to be Al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden surfaced over the weekend. Here are the tape transcripts as translated by Grant Miller Media:

"Peace be upon he who follows the Guidance. People of America: I shall be speaking to you on important topics which concern you, so lend me your ears.

"People of America, I will take this fucking ball (he holds up a tennis ball) and shove it down your fucking throat. There's no way that was a foot fault.

"I swear to God - praise be upon Him.

"Motherfucker, I'm taking this ball and shoving it up your ass. You better fucking be right.

"Beyoncé had one of the best videos of all time. One of the best videos of all time.

"Oh, and death to America.

"Seacrest out."

Never Forget.

The guitarist guy from Coldplay is 32 today.

Other Yankee Records.

Shortstop Derek Jeter tied Lou Gehrig on Wednesday for the most career hits by a New York Yankee with 2,721. Here are some of the lesser known records for the storied franchise:

• Most dates with Madonna (Season): 287 by Alex Rodriguez (2008) and Roger Bresnahan (1904).
• Most Single Malt Scotches (Season): 1,096 by Mickey Mantle (1960).
• Most Single Malt Scotches (Career): 19,862 by Mickey Mantle.
• Most Stachin' (Season): By Thurmon Munson (1977) and Ron Guidry (1980).
• Most Stachin' (Career): Sparky Lyle.
• Most Games Played with a Hangover (Season): 154 by Billy Martin (1955).
• Most Games Played with a Hangover (Career): 18,544 by Mickey Mantle.
• Most Prostitutes (Season): 60 by Babe Ruth (1927).
• Most Prostitutes (Career): 714 by Babe Ruth.
• Most Hot Dogs Consumed Between Innings in a Single Game: 48 by Hideki Matsui (Aug. 21, 2004 vs. Minnesota).
• Most Cocaine (Season): A lot by Tim Raines (1996) and Dale Berra (1985).
• Most Cocaine (Career): Wow! Mounds of it by Tim Raines.
• Most Cup Adjustments (Single Game): 80 by Craig Nettles (June 22, 1980 vs. Boston)
• Most Cup Adjustments (Season): 4,027 by Barry Foote (1982)
• Most Cup Adjustments (Career): 168,436 by Joe Dimaggio.
• Most Asterisks (Season): 61 by Roger Maris (1961)*
• Damndest Yankee (Season): Tommy John (1980).
• Damndest Yankee (Career): Ted Nugent.
• Most Poignant Reference in Song Relating to America's Lost Innocence: Joe DiMaggio.
• Least Poignant Reference in Song Relating to America's Lost Innocence: Rick Cerone.
• Best 'Fro (Season): Oscar Gamble (1980).
• Worst 'Fro (Career): Yogi Berra.
• Most Philosophical: Yogi Berra.
• Least Philosophical: Bobby Abreu.
• Most Groin Pulls (Season): 87 by Dave Kingman (1977)
• Most Groin Pulls (Career): 708 by Lou Gehrig.

10 Lies in Obama's Speech.

1. Said he had a girlfriend in Niagara Falls.
2. Claimed his father was an astronaut, spy and a race car driver.
3. Said it was this big when it's really only this big.
4. Told everyone he knows Joe Namath.
5. Insisted he didn't eat the last powdered donut even though his hands clearly had powdered sugar on them.
6. Claimed he was just doing "research" on his computer.
7. Promised he'd keep the speech to "no longer than five minutes."
8. Said he forgot his "notes" at home.
9. He looked into the camera and said "I love you."
10. When the bill came, he got up to use the bathroom.

Five Things Obama Must Accomplish With Healthcare Speech.

1. Cure cancer: This one's easy. Just cure cancer and the healthcare crisis will fix itself. Boom. End of debate. Pretty simple, folks.
2. Wear vampire fangs: Vampires are hot right now. Between the Twilight series and HBO's "True Blood," President Obama's healthcare plan is like one of Dracula's victims - dead on arrival. Watch for the president to pump new blood into the debate by donning fake vampire fangs. Sure they make speaking difficult, but leaders on both sides of the aisle will appreciate the effort.
3. Shock and Awe: To silence critics, President Obama needs to wow his audience. That's why he'll rely on his talent as a ventriloquist and use a wisecracking puppet to underscore key points. On the campaign trail, Obama regularly amazed audiences by sipping from a glass of water while his puppet called for increased funding for green technology.
4. Get Hands-On: To take on the healthcare industry, President Obama needs to rise to its level. Don't be surprised if he performs open heart surgery on an ailing child or makes a paralyzed man walk again by the soothing hand of his very touch.
5. Go viral: After every sentence, Obama will take out his Blackberry and tweet like a badass.

The Divine Gopher.

Somewhere in heaven, Thomas Jefferson is turning on the television and seeing Billy Mays for the first time.

"Who is this guy? Am I supposed to know him? And why is he shouting," he asks no one in particular.

"Oh him? He just got up here in June. He used to do commercials all the time," explains Bettie Page who overhears Jefferson. "I dunno why he yells so much."

A few others gather around and start watching the Billy Mays infomercial for the Divine Gopher, a device that allows those in heaven to grab out-of-reach golden chalices, chocolate, nearby clouds or halos.

"Jeez, it looks so handy. I could definitely use one of those," your uncle who died years ago chimes in.

"But seriously do you need it? I mean...It just seems unnecessary. Although, he really does sell it. I'll hand him that," Roberto Clemente says.

"Hey, hey. Quiet down. I wanna see how much it costs," Jefferson snaps. "I think I'm gonna order one."

"Don't worry. They play these things all the time. You're gonna get sick of seeing this guy," Bettie Page explains.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait. You mean he's here in heaven - for eternity?" Jefferson asks.

"Yeah. I told you he died. He's here. For good," Bettie Page answers.

"I thought he was just on TV...WTF? He's in heaven..." Jefferson exclaims.

"Yeah. And he's on all the time. Turn on any channel. Especially late at night. He's all over the place," Bettie Page says. "Not only is he in heaven, he's already an angel. These commercials air on Earth still. But that's his angel in those commercials. God loves those products from what I hear."

"Jesus Christ, that's messed up," says your deceased uncle. "An angel, really? An angel?"

"Fuckin' A....Fuckin' A," Jefferson says as he changes the channel.

Text of President Obama's Speech to Schools.

Here's the text of President Obama's speech as deciphered by right wing pundits:

"Greetings students of history and knowledge! It is I, Premiere Obama! Allow me to start my speech with a joke that is to break the ice: I read in the paper 'Part-Time' Woman Wanted' What a country - even the transvestites can get work! Hey what a country!

"But seriously comrades. We have an unending bright future awaiting us! But we require your help getting there! Only through your hard labor can we break the bonds that bind us!

"Proletariat of the world, defend the motherland through labor!

"Together we will execute the plan of great works! We will move briskly and straight ahead and complete our five year revolution in four years!

"Hey my comrades, here is another joke to keep you interested: Did you hear Premiere Andropov died? Yes he had premature case of perestroika!!! Hey!!! What a country!!!

"My comrades, we must not forsake the hard labor by those who came before us and paved the way for our glorious future! Capital created by the worker is used to crush the worker ruining our social class and giving rise to our revolution! Onward brave proletariat!

"Okay, so in conclusion of the ending I have one last joke for the humorousness of you. In America you catch the swine flu. In Russia the swine flu catches you! Hey! What a country!"

New TV Ads To Promote Catholicism.

A new $1.3 million TV ad blitz is underway to bring lapsed Catholics back to the church. A similar campaign in Phoenix brought nearly 100,000 parishioners back to the church this year. Commercials will begin airing in December.

Here's a copy of the commercial script obtained by Grant Miller Media:

"Hi it's Vince with HolyWow! and you'll be saying 'holy wow!' every time you attend Catholic Mass. It's like it's holy, it's like a public celebration, it's like the sacrament of the Eucharist.

"A regular Mass won't save you. A HolyWow! Catholic Mass works for saints or sinners. This is for the House of God. For the Car of God. For the Boat of God. For the R.V. of God.

"The HolyWow! Catholic church holds 1.1 billion adherents. Look at this - it just does God's work. Why do you want to go to any other religion? It doesn't support euthanasia. It doesn't support immorality. You get dirty, you go to confessional, you say your prayers. It's that easy. The Vatican is in Italy. You know Italians always make good stuff.

"You can go to Mass everyday. Go in the morning after you take a shower, go in the evening after you wash the dishes. Nuns and priests, they devote their lives to it.

"Here's some wine. Wine, holy water, thin wafers. Unleavened, leavened - it doesn't matter. The HolyWow! Catholic church has all of it. It's right there for you.

"Look at this - we're administering sacraments, we're exercising charity - and we're doing it to spread the Gospel. Without even putting any pressure, 50 percent of Christians are Catholic. Are you following me camera guy? The other religions, they can't say that.

"It acts as a church, it acts as a school, it acts as a university, it acts as a hospital. See what I'm telling you? HolyWow! Catholic Mass - you'll be saying wow every time.

"You're gonna spend 10 percent of your annual income on any other church or religion. But you're throwing your money away. The Catholic church is for you. And it's perfect for everyday prayer.

"This religion lasts for eternity. That other religion is for damnation. I dunno. It sells itself. Here's how return back to the fold!"

Rejected Names for the New SyFy Channel.

• PsiPfi
• SighFigh
• SieFie
• SiFi
• CyFy
• S∂F∂
• SeyeFeye
• CiFi
• S¥F¥
• ßÆFÆ
• ØÅØÆ
• §ciPhi
• eScieFi
• SpyvsSpy
• π
• S∑F∑
• XiFi
• SïFï
• SíFí
• 

Dalai Lama Visits Taiwan Amid Protests

The Dalai Lama is in Taiwan this week, straining relations between the island and mainland China. The Tibetean spiritual leader is visiting areas ravaged by last month's deadly typhoon. After he leaves Taiwan, the Dalai Lama will visit the following areas:

• Cabo
• Cancun
• Hedonism III
• Daytona
• Gainesville, Fla.
• Ibiza
• Amsterdam
• Reno, Nev.
• Rio
• Tijuana

My Family Tree Revealed.

The National Geographic is sponsoring a study to genetically trace the origins of every human on Earth. Researchers hope the study will show where we came from and how we're all connected. The process requires volunteers to donate a DNA sample by taking a cheek swab. Here are the results from my cheek swab:

• I am 100 percent male.
• 37 percent Latvian.
• 20 percent German.
• 17 percent Polish.
• 12 percent Russian.
• 7 percent French.
• 4 percent Native American.
• 3 percent Oreo Big Stuff Cookie.

Evidently, I forgot to brush my teeth before providing the sample.