Grant Miller Media.: 11.09

Congratulations to all the nominees. Voting concludes at 12:01 a.m. CST Monday, December 14. Good luck to all. A lavish, formal ceremony will be held shortly thereafter. Details to be announced soon.

11.25.2009

Fact!

Your cat will kill you in your sleep if you don't feed him Fancy Feast Chunky Turkey Feast on Thanksgiving Day.

Brazen Nympho Babes.

Growing up, my family would get about a hundred or so Christmas cards each December. But always - without fail - the first one came from the same family.

You see, they wouldn't just send a Christmas card. No. They would send a Thanksgiving card.

Mixed in with the Monday or Tuesday mail before Thanksgiving there'd be a large, glossy envelope addressed in fancy calligraphy writing. And immediately you knew what it was and who it was from. And a few weeks later we'd get a second card - a second card - from the same family wishing us happy holidays.

I don't fully understand the idea of Christmas cards - yes they're nice, but really - but I totally get Thanksgiving cards. Totally.

Nobody sends Thanksgiving cards. Nobody.

Christmas cards are nice and polite but ultimately they're forgotten. I couldn't name half the people who sent Christmas cards growing up. But I still remember the Thanksgiving card family. Where do you even find Thanksgiving cards?

But this family wasn't sending Thanksgiving cards just to be nice. No. They wanted to be noticed, they wanted to be remembered, they wanted to beat the Christmas card rush. They gave bigger cards with better calligraphy and shinier gold leaf printing. And two weeks later they'd do it all again.

And here's the reason why - the dad was a state politician and my parents were among his most ardent supporters.

Happy Thanksgiving!

11.24.2009

An Admission.

Dear Readers,

I don't trust people who use Jif Peanut Butter. They are deceitful savages and should be treated as such.

Sincerely,

Grant Miller, Esq.

Congratulations!

Grant Miller Media congratulates the team from Utah or wherever for winning that World Cup of America thingie recently.

11.23.2009

The 2009 Drysdale Awards.

Grant Miller Media is accepting nominations for the 2009 Drysdale Awards for Blogs.

Nominees will be announced Nov. 30 and winners will be selected and feted at a lavish gala ceremony planned for late December in Chicago. All are welcome.

Categories for nomination are:

Blogger of the Year.
Least Influential Political Blog.
Blogger that Spreads the Most Rumors About Other Bloggers.
Blog with the Worst Spelling and Grammar.
Blog with the Most Spam Comments.
Blog with the Most Posts about Jon or Kate Gosselin.
Blog with the Most Stolen Material.
Blog with the Most Kitties.
Blog with the Most Baby Pictures.
Most Overt Use of Search Engine Optimization.
Most Obvious Posts Where a Blogger is Clearly Being Paid to Endorse a Product or Service.
Most Overt Plugging of a Blogger's Twitter or Facebook Page.
Ugliest Blog.
Longest Post.
Least Updated Blog.
Worst Commenter.
Blog with the Most Swearing.
Dullest Blog.
The McGone Honorary Memorial Award for Lifetime Achievement in the Field of Not Blogging.

Nominations will be accepted via comments on this post or by e-mailing here. Please type "NOMINATIONS" in the subject line for all e-mail submissions. Details for the lavish ceremony gala will be announced shortly.

11.20.2009

Welcome Gitmo Detainees!

The Justice Department recently proposed moving 100 alleged terrorists from Guantánamo Bay to a vacant prison in Northwest Illinois when the controversial detention facility closes in 2010.

As a lifelong Illinoisian, I'd like to welcome these alleged terrorists and jihadists to my home state. I hope your stay is pleasant - though not too pleasant - and provides you with memories to share with your family for years to come - in the event you see them again.

Here's a list of my favorite spots in Illinois - the places you absolutely "must see" before you're executed or martyred.

Galena. Just an hour north of the federal prison you'll call home for the rest of your life is this historic town of 3,500. Galena sees nearly a million visitors each year and is the former home of President Grant and author Herman Melville. It's a great place to go antiquing, play golf or go skiing. The quaint downtown is dotted with enough candy shops to make any Jihadi forget the Great Satan for awhile.
Springfield. Illinois' state capital is rife with boarded up buildings, dilapidated monuments and abandoned factories. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't visit this historic town in the off chance you're found not guilty. Be sure to see the new Lincoln library to see why he suspended habeas corpuse during the Civil War!
Starved Rock. Do you like hunger strikes? Then Starved Rock State Park is for you! Come and see where a band of Illiniwek Native Americans starved after getting trapped by hostile members of the Potawatomi and Ottawa tribes, that is if you're ever allowed to leave your eight foot cell.
Wrigley Field. If you thought waterboarding was bad, just try watching the Cubs for a couple innings - that's torture. You'll be singing like a bird in no time.
East St. Louis. Longing for home? Visit this southern Illinois city across the Mississippi from St. Louis and soak in some of the local atmosphere. East St. Louis's bombed out architecture, decimated downtown and spotty electricity will make you think you're back in Kabul.

And be sure to say "Hi" to your prison neighbors - they're probably former governors.

Reasons Why Oprah is Leaving.

To spend more time with Gayle King.
To go rogue.
Just gotta chillax.
Career wasn't going anywhere.
Because Twitter is the future of entertainment.
To spend more time with her money.
Stedman finally getting off his lazy ass and finding a job.
Because she can, girlfriend!
Had fallen too far behind with her book club.
Wants to star in movies about hunky, teenage vampires with sass and attitude.
Appointed to Obama cabinet as Secretary of Trendy Spirituality.

11.18.2009

Brian Stepanek Named Grant Miller Media's "Dexiest Man Alive."

Dex commercial spokesman Brian Stepanek was named Grant Miller Media's "Dexiest Man Alive" on Wednesday.

Stepanek, whom Grant Miller Media described as "the Dex guy" also won the award in 2008 and 2007 against limited competition.

"People don't generally rate Dexiness. But if they do, they probably think of that guy from the Dex commercials. Or the guy from 'Whose Line Is It Anyway" because they kind of look alike and it's easy to confuse them," Grant Miller Media said in a statement.

"At least it's not that damn Dell dude."

Sarah Palin TV Appearances This Week.

The following are Sarah Palin's scheduled television appearances this week:

"Oprah."
"Good Morning America."
"World News."
"Hannity."
"20/20"
"Sports Center."
"Deal or No Deal."
"Smallville."
"Saturday Night Football."
"Cold Case."
"Gossip Girl."
"The Mentalist."
"Your Baby Can Read."
"WWE Smackdown."
"M*A*S*H."
"Meerkat Manor."
"BET's Top 25."
"Coming Out Stories."
"Cinemax: After Dark."
"Niños Ricos, Pobres Padres."
"Sábado Gigante."
"Little Bear."
"Yo Gabba Gabba!"
"Is Colon Detox Hype?"
"Bosley: Hair Loss Answers."
"Svengoolie."
"Yo! MTV Raps."

11.17.2009

"2012" Review.

If you've ever dreamed of seeing John Cusak burned alive in a cataclysmic, end-of-days catastrophe, this is your movie.

Mr. Cusack is typically cast as a sensitive boyfriend, a mild-mannered teacher or a wise-cracking co-worker. These roles showcase his understated and sublime talents but leave audiences wanting something different - like to see him severed at the waist by the Empire State Building spire as it crumbles to the ground.

That's what makes "2012" so refreshing - finally a movie where John Cusack gets what he so richly deserves - an explosive, terrifying and torturous end, albeit cinematically.

This is not to say "2012" is perfect. There are several things missing from it, namely:

John Cusack being strangled by a fire-breathing flying python.
John Cusack watching as each member of his family falls from atop Mt. Everest into a fiery pit of hellfire before he is finally ripped apart by possessed, mutant Sherpas infected with otherworldly diseases.
John Cusack being dropped from Air Force one over the Grand Canyon into a Colorado River filled with blood.

Like many movie goers, I often fantasize about watching John Cusack's demise.

I can imagine the pained and terrified expression as he realizes everything he holds dear is caving in around him. I can hear his blood curdling screams tear his larynx until he is no more, on film that is. I can practically envision him entering a building only to watch that building explode with him inside. These dreams are so real I can nearly feel it.

That's why "2012" is so perfect. It's like someone entered my dreams of watching horrible, cataclysmic events destroy John Cusack and brought them to life. Well, celluloid life, at least. It would be unkind to wish that upon John Cusack the man.

Although seeing it in film is pretty sweet.

11.16.2009

Obama Urges China to Take Global Role on Climate.

In his first visit to China, President Obama today pressed China to take a greater role improving the environment and eliminating pollution. Here are transcripts of Obama's speech before President Hu Jintao as translated by Grant Miller Media.

"Good afternoon. It is my deep and sincere honor to be in the presence of such a dear and benevolent leader, President Hu Jintao. It also is the deep and sincere honor of my family to meet such an eternally prosperous, distinguished and supreme leader.

"It also is the greatest honor of my ancestors and my ancestors' ancestors for me to be in the presence of the truth and light that is your highest magnificence, President Hu.

"It is with this deep, true, absolute and unquestioned reverence that I stand before you today, Dear Sacred Leader. Without your unparalleled excellency the world would cease to exist.

"As President of the United States, I am wholly and completely unworthy to be within your presence. Your country, in its boundless and infinite generosity, holds more U.S. Treasury securities than any other nation, great or small. We are eternally indebted to your great nation and are forever thankful.

"Additionally, if you could clean up the environment, stop human rights abuse and censoring the Internet, that'd be good. Not that you - in your infinite and tremendous wisdom - have to do any of these things.

"So we're cool?"

Surprising Revelations in Sarah Palin's Memoir, "Going Rogue."

In high school, Palin was voted "Most Likely to Exploit Her Family."
Experimented with "going rogue" with her college roommate.
Her pets all have people names, kids all have pet names.
Modeled for Lens Crafters before entering politics.
Once caught Todd Palin "goin' rogue" if you know what I mean.
The memoir contains more apostrophes than any other book in the history of the printed word.
Owns every episode of "Will & Grace" on DVD and Blu-ray.
Nicknamed husband "Todd the Impaler"
After a long day of hunting moose from a helicopter, Palin enjoys curling up with a glass of wine and some "Gilmore Girls."
On a dare, once ate her weight in Funyuns.
As John McCain's running mate, Palin was required to remove his bib prior to speeches.
In France, the book is titled "Going Rogué."
Already working on a follow-up titled "Gone Rogue."

11.13.2009

Warren Beatty on Fantasy Football.

Hey, it's War...

What do you think of football? The ole pigskin? The gridiron? America's game?

Yeah that's great and I'd love to hear you tell me about it but I'll tell you what right now. I don't care for football. Oh I watch it, sure. But I don't care for it. I don't need it. I don't have to have it like some people. You know?

That's why I don't get fantasizing about football. You hear these guys "Oh I gotta get my fantasy football rosters in" blah blah blah.

Do you get that? Do you? Not me.

I mean, I mean if I'm gonna fantasize about anything it's not gonna be about a bunch a pituitary cases trying to tackle each other. You know? I mean come on.

You wanna talk about fantasies? You wanna talk about fantasies? Hell, I've lived all my fantasies. Here's a fantasy - getting stranded in Tahoe during a dental hygienist convention. That's a fantasy. Happened to me back in '82. Good Lord the stories I could tell you about Tahoe.

Mercy.

So what's your fantasy? I mean, come on. It's late on a Friday. There's nobody around except for old War. You can tell me. And don't get all embarrassed - trust me there's nothing you could say that I haven't already thought of. Hell, there's nothing you can say I haven't already tried. That Julie Christie - wow. You hear?

You know, I hear this all the time about regular people fantasizing about movie stars - like we're some rare species or something. Hey, I'm a celebrity - a big celebrity - and I'm here to tell you right now I'm just like any other guy. I got the same needs. The same wants. The same desires. You know?

Hey, Annette's out for the weekend and I'm gonna grab some dinner. You doing anything for din din? Wanna continue this little tete-a-tete over a Chianti at the Garden? Come on - I got nothing to do. It's totally innocent. I can even tell you about Tahoe over some endless bread sticks....

Warren Beatty is an award winning actor, director and producer. He is a frequent contributor to Grant Miller Media.

11.12.2009

7 Tips for Selling your Kitty Condo FAST!

Although it's almost 2010, the effects of the the kitty housing bubble of 2008 linger. Especially in the kitty condo market. Across the country, kitty condo sales continue to slump despite slow growth in single-kitty properties. Quite simply, the kitty condo market is overflowing with unsold inventory.

In this market, you'll have to work smart to beat the competition when selling your kitty condo. Here are the seven best strategies to attract qualified buyers to your kitty condo:

See the competition firsthand. Do some research to find kitty condos for sale in your neighborhood. Know what prices other cat people are are asking. There are many ways to check kitty condo values and astute buyers know them all. In today's market, you cannot afford to overprice your kitty condo.
Get it appraised. Get you meowser's property appraised at the highest possible value and use is for advertising. Check around for similar kitty condos in your area and price yours 5 percent lower.
Build a Website for your kitty condo. This is a cheap and easy way to get your kitty condo noticed. More and more cat people are ditching kitty Realtors and opting to buy online. Be sure to feature several pictures of your kitties enjoying the property - playing with the catnip ball, scratching the scratching post or simply curled up in a warm beam of autumnal sunlight. These are the things cat people want to see before they buy.
Make a brochure. A brochure that compliments your Website can really get a buyer's attention. Carry a few around and give them out as needed.
Offer to pay ALL closing costs. Most buyer's can afford a kitty condo, but many have problems paying to move the kitty condo. Cover these costs and don't forget the required vacuuming and fur removal before scheduling any move. Sellers also are expected to refurbish any torn carpeting, scratching posts and refreshen catnip balls.
Send postcards to your neighbors. If your friends and family know anyone in the market for a kitty condo, they'll pass word along. And many cat people like to buy kitty condos from someone they know. Check the Yellow Pages under "Kitty Condo Advertising - Direct Mail" to find a company that will do this for you.
Promise a kitty realtor bonus. Kitty Realtors only get paid when they close a deal and most are part-timers who only close one to three kitty condos per year. Agree to offer a year's supply of Friskies or Tender Vittles and watch kitty Realtors start to purr.

Why I Blog.

Hardly a day goes by without someone coming up to me and asking, "Tammy, why do you blog? What makes you do it day in and day out? Don't you ever get tired? Don't you ever just want to give it a rest."

And my answer always is the same.

I blog because I know somewhere there's a child who looks to me for inspiration, hope and guidance. He may not have much in his life - perhaps he comes from a broken home or some war-torn nation - but he has Grant Miller Media. And that's why I blog.

I also blog for those that have no voice. You know monks, shy people, the comatose. Those types of people.

I also blog for those that have a voice but because it's too high-pitched no one takes them seriously. I went to school with a boy like that. His name was Ken and he sounded like a little girl well into high school. His voice finally dropped by the time we graduated, but it was too late - the damage was done.

It's people like Ken that keep me blogging.

I also blog for people that have a voice but who are unaware of how nasally they sound until they actually hear it on voice mail. I blog for those people because I am one of them. I understand the pain you feel when you press playback only to hear a whiny, tinny pathetic little voice.

But always remember - I am blogging for you.

I'm also blogging for the following people with voices but who:

Have a lisp.
Stutter.
Pronounce schedule "Shedule."
Have a slight rasp due to a recent cold.
Have nothing to say.
Cannot read.

It is my sincere honor to blog for you and I will not let you down.

11.09.2009

My Mom's Honey-Buttermilk Cornbread Recipe!!

Thanksgiving is almost here and that got me thinking of my mom's old recipes. She always began baking and cooking a week before Thanksgiving, filling our house with delicious holiday aromas. This recipe is a favorite and growing up she always invited me into the kitchen to help. I did it so often, I committed it to memory. So here now is my mom's famous Honey-Buttermilk Cornbread recipe just as she explained it to me every Thanksgiving. I hope your family likes it as much as I did:

1 1/2 cups of flour.
1 1/4 cups of corn meal
2 1/2 teaspoons of baking soda.
1 1/2 teaspoons of baking powder.
1 teaspoon of salt.
3 large eggs.
1 cup of buttermilk.
1/4 cup of melted butter.
1/4 cup of honey.
2 failed marriages.
2 ungrateful little kids.

Heat oven to 425 degrees. Carefully grease a 9-inch square baking pan with butter. I said butter. Don't you have any butter? No. Margarine is not the same thing. The recipe calls for butter. So get out the butter.

Okay, now grease it carefully. I said carefully, Grant. Aren't you listening? Okay. Get all the corners. Here, just let me do it.

Okay. Now we're going to combine - will you stop watching TV? I need your help. Now are you going to help or not? Okay. Now combine the flour, the corn meal, the baking soda, baking powder and salt in a large mixing bowl. Does this look like a mixing bowl to you? Maybe a mixing bowl for midgets, but not us. Get out my large mixing bowl will you? It's under the microwave where it's always been.

Listen - turn off the TV right now, mister. You said you'd help so come on. Turn. It. Off. Now. Mister.

Get out another bowl and whisk the eggs with the buttermilk, butter and honey. Are you doing that? Here, let me see. No. No this is all wrong. Here get out my spatula. Let me get this out before you ruin it. Okay now mix those things together. And don't just mix one area. You have to do the whole thing otherwise it's chunky. And no one likes chunky corn bread. If they complain I'll just tell them you made it.

Now lets combine our bowls. Oh, could you get that? Mrs. Boehm said she'd be calling. Is it Mrs. Boehm? It's not? Okay. Then tell Brian you'll call him back. No. You cannot have the car tonight, I have to drop off the appraisal at the bank and need to go the library to make copies. Why can't Brian drive? It's always you driving. Does he at least offer to pay for gas?

Okay. See. I mixed the two bowls while you were talking to your boyfriend and I poured them into the pan. Here, open the oven and set the timer for 20 to 25 minutes.

While the corn bread bakes, pour one glass of Lancers and sit at the table, quietly weeping. Let simmer for 20 years or until your son decides to publicly poke fun at the whole episode in a loving yet brutally honest way.

Do Babies Have Accents?

A report in the journal Current Biology asserts babies learn language nuances while in the womb, giving their cries distinctive accents once born. Researchers listened to thousands of babies from several countries and found those in France sound distinctly different from those in Germany, Spain and elsewhere. Here's a look at their findings:

In Germany, babies say "Güe güe gaga."
In France, babies say "A hoh hoh hoh!!"
In Spain, babies say "¡Goõ goo gagá!"
In Sweden, babies say "Gøø gøø gåå."
In China, babies say "咕咕加加"
In Japan, babies say "夢."
In Boston, babies say "Jeter sucks."
In the United Kingdom, babies say "Pip pip cherrio wah wah and all that."

11.06.2009

Reggae Cover Bands I Would Like to Form.

Reggae Against the Machine.
Echo and the Bunny Wailers.
Einstürzende Marley.
The Minutemon.
The Talking Dreads.
The Dubles.
Siouxsie & the Maytals.

11.04.2009

Congratulations!

Grant Miller Media extends its sincerest congratulations to all the latent homosexuals that voted against same-sex marriage in Maine on Tuesday! You're here. You're not queer! No! Not at all!

11.03.2009

Top of the Charts: Snyder's of Hanover Pretzels.

This week's most popular selections of Snyder's of Hanover pretzels at Grant Miller Media headquarters are compiled between 8 a.m. Monday and 10 p.m. Friday from a variety of sources and merchants. Numbers in parentheses denotes a pretzel's rank last week.

Snaps (1).
Mini Pretzels (2).
Rods (5).
Thins (3).
Sticks (4).
Dipping Sticks (7).
Homestyle Pretzels (6).

Data for the Grant Miller Media Top of the Charts Snyder's of Hanover Pretzels - which includes all varieties sold at the St. Charles (Illinois) Jewel-Osco - are compiled by Nielsen Soundsnack. The chart includes not only pretzels bought and consumed but those left over. Grant Miller Media Top of the Charts: Snyder's of Hanover Pretzels is audited semi-annually by the firm of Deloitte Touche and Tohmatsu. A copy of the most recent audit is available at most public libraries, institutions of higher learning, houses of worship or by filing a formal request. For more information or to file a formal request, please send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to FCIC P.O. Box 100, Pueblo Colorado, 81009.

3 Election Day Contests Devoid of Any Meaning or Significance.

Today's off-year election lacks the high stakes of the 2008 presidential race, but that won't stop John King, Wolf Blitzer and Jeff Greenfield from circle jerking around their electoral maps. Here's a look three races that have little or no meaning today:

New York's 23rd Congressional District.

Who's running: Conservative Doug Hoffman and Democrat Bill Owens.

Who's not running: Republican Dede Scozzafava dropped out Saturday after several prominent national Republicans backed Hoffman.

What's the story? The 23rd is New York's northernmost congressional district and covers the Adirondack Mountains and the Thousand Island's region. Over the years, the district has been gerrymandered to exclude Democrats and now is a predominantly Republican stronghold. The seat is vacant following the appointment of John McHugh to Secretary of the Army.

Why it's meaningless: The district has been gerrymandered to oblivion - it once included Manhattan and the Bronx but is now just a couple scenic camp sites and old-timey covered bridges. Its biggest industry is Little Tree air fresheners and its most notable former residents are Blue Oyster Cult and the lead singer of Anthrax.

What Could Possibly be Significant: The 23rd is America's first defense against Canada and Vermont.

Virginia Governor

Who's running: Democrat Creigh Deeds and Republican Bob McDonnell.

What's the story: Pundits say the race is a test for President Obama, the first Democrat to win the state since President Kennedy. Incumbent Democrat Tim Kaine is ineligible due to term limits.

Why it's meaningless: Virginians never know who they're electing governor - it's the only state that prohibits consecutive terms and schedules races in off-years. That means voters aren't interested and won't vote, typically benefitting candidates with more money. Additionally, Virginia is the only state where governors are called "your Excellency" instead of "your honor."

What could possibly be significant: Three former governors went on to become president.

New Jersey Governor.

Who's running: Republican Christopher Christie and incumbent Democrat Jon Corzine.

What's the story: There isn't one.

Why it's meaningless: Possibly because it's New Jersey. Possibly.

What could possibly be significant: Voters surprise the nation and wisely elect Clarence Clemons.

11.02.2009

Tips for Getting a Loan to Expand Your Star Wars Collection Room.

Finding money to remodel or expand your Star Wars collection room is difficult for many homeowners. The easiest sources of capital are friends, family and your own savings. But banks and lenders should not be overlooked. Here are some tips to consider when applying for a home loan to expand your Star Wars collection room:

Dress in a professional manner. This is a business transaction, so treat it as such. Avoid Darth Vader masks or Wookie wigs and go with Luke's formal Alliance uniform from the medal ceremony at the end of "New Hope."
Offer collateral. The easiest way to show lenders you're serious is to offer something of value in the event you default. Consider offering your Dr. Who collection as collateral to secure the loan and put the bank at ease.
Don't be pushy. Sure, Obi-Wan could talk his way out of some tight situations but unless you're a Jedi Padawan leave the talking to your loan application and answer any questions politely.
Be patient. Always remember the Death Star wasn't built in a day and while your plans are likely smaller, they're no less important. Consider getting personal referrals to assist in the process. Most miniature gaming shop owners, D.M.s or local Jedi Order directors are eager to help.
Save, save save. There are always two costs associated with remodeling - money and space. Take time to rearrange your collections and decide what you really need. Scaling back on your "Babylon 5" collection may provide the necessary space and money to make your Meditation Chamber a reality.
Consider your risk. Nothing is sadder than seeing an original Luke Skywalker Double Telescoping AFA 85 melt before your very eyes. Get your collection insured for its full value before construction begins in the event of fire, flooding or your Tauntaun accidentally misplaces it.

Cocoa Krispies "Immunity" Claim Challeneged.

Kellog's claim that Cocoa Krispies strengthens immunity is under fire from nutritionists who say it's misleading. Here are some of the diseases Cocoa Krispies is believed to fight:

Bran Cancer.
Cocoancer.
Choco Pox.
Chocolera.
The Common Cold Cereal.
Hepatitis YUM!
Cap'N Crunching of the Spine.
Snap, Crackle, Stroke.
Quaker Oat's Man Disease.
Leprechaunsy.

11.30.2009

11.25.2009

11.24.2009

11.23.2009

11.20.2009

11.18.2009

11.17.2009

11.16.2009

11.13.2009

11.12.2009

11.09.2009

11.06.2009

11.04.2009

11.03.2009

11.02.2009

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