Statements That Will Get You Placed on the Permanent No Fly List.

• "I'm full-body scanning you with my mind."
• "Is that an explosive substance in your pants or are you just happy to see me?"
• "I don't know about you, but I'm feeling sparks between my legs right now."
• "You give the best pat-downs."
• "If I told you I had a bomb stitched into my underwear would you hold your body against me?"
• "You jihad me at 'Hello.'"
• "I wouldn't mind checking your luggage."
• "Haven't I seen you before...at Guantanamo Bay???
• "How would you like to create a little turbulance...in my pants?"
• "You're so hot I'd let you light my dynamite anytime."

Lost Bush-Era E-Mails, Vol. I.

More than 22 million Bush Administration e-mails previously thought lost or destroyed were discovered recently by two nonprofit groups suing the White House for greater transparency. Grant Miller Media has obtained the disputed e-mails and will present them on a regular basis.

Here's one dated Feb. 25, 2004:

"To: Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge

From: W.

"Tommy Bahama -

"got an email from a nigerian prince today. said he had some money of ours. u remember ever putting him on payroll? think we could get some intel from him? should i email him back? idk what 2 do. where is nigerian again? they w/ us or against us?

"hope the lil' lady liked her vday, bro.

"l8r,

W."

Best Films of the Year.

For the year 1909:

1. "Man Shoots Gun at Camera."
2. "Oncoming Train."
3. "Man Sneezing."
4. "House Falls on Man."
5. "Woman Smiling."
6. "Man Rides Horse."
7. "Man Eating Shoe."
8. "Woman Dancing in Long Dress."
9. "Man Sneezing II."
10. "Man Jumping."

"Avatar."

OMG. This movie is soooooooooo predictable. I have seen sooooooo many movies about paraplegic war veterans taken to distant planets inhabited by blue humanoids called Na'vi it's not even funny.

It's like duhhhhhhhh! "Oh wow they look totally lifelike and real and they're blue...." Oooooh. Big whoop.

And everybody's like ooooh look how cool it looks and how real and how awesome it is. And I'm all like "What is this? Roger Rabbit?"

The whole thing looks like it was filmed in some dude's backyard on a HandyCam. Seriously. What'd James Cameron spend his budget on? Giovanni Ribisi's salary??? Pfffttt. Giovanni Ribisi...What? Edward Furlong too expensive or something???

Oh, and who hasn't thought of infiltrating other alien beings by creating an avatar identity to fit seamlessly into that society and using otherworldly medical advances to heal spinal injuries incurred on Earth? I don't know about you, but I think of that stuff, like, all the time.

This is soooooo formulaic. Basically, if you saw "Starship Troopers" or like "Battlestar Galactica" on SyFy you've pretty much seen "Avatar."

Top 10 Albums of the Year.

For the year 1979:

1. "The B-52s" by The B-52s.
2. "Live at the Witch Trials" by The Fall.
3. "Eat to the Beat" by Blondie.
4. "Entertainment" by Gang of Four.
5. "London Calling" by The Clash.
6. "Off the Wall" by Michael Jackson.
7. "The Specials" by The Specials.
8. "Unknown Pleasures" by Joy Division.
9. "One Step Beyond" by Madness.
10. "Look Sharp!" by Joe Jackson.

Jon Gosselin's Apartment Robbed.

Reality TV star Jon Gosselin's Manhattan apartment was robbed over the weekend. Gosselin returned to New York after spending the Christmas holiday with his eight children in Pennsylvania. Here is a list of items believed stolen according to reports obtained by Grant Miller Media:

• Several Ed Hardy shirts.
• Many Ed Hardy Pants.
• Two pairs of Ed Hardy briefs.
• Three Von Dutch caps.
• A framed velvet print of a tiger with wings.
• A large mirror over his bed.
• 14 bottles of Axe Body Spray.
• Five tubs of Givanni Sculpting Gel.
• A tube of Nair for Men.
• A year's supply of bling.
• A family heirloom vase filled with self-tanning gel.

Pres. Obama Calls Radio Show.

Referring to himself as "Barry from D.C.," President Obama surprised a Washington radio host during a live call-in Tuesday morning. Here are the transcripts from the brief exchange:

DJ: Hey all right, you just heard another long set of the best rock in the D.C.-Metro on D.C.'s rock station, DC101. Up next, we've got some more hits, including two-in a row from Rob Thomas. Hey let's take some calls:

President Obama: Hey it's Barry from D.C.

DJ: What up dog? What you wanna hear next on D.C.'s rock station, DC101?

President Obama: Since it's a twofer Tuesday, can you play a couple from Hoobastank? And have it go out to my wife Michelle. She loves some Hoobastank.

DJ: Two from Hoobastank? I was thinkin' the same thing, my man. Okay we got two from Hoobastank for my man, Barry in D.C. going out to his wife. Hey Hoobastank is playing the 9:30 Club next month opening for Nickelback so you know that's gonna rock. Hey keep it here where you always hear great rock, D.C.'s Rock Station, DC101...

A Heartwarming Holiday Tale.

My grandmother was an excellent baker. Every holiday, birthday and special occasion was made sweeter by her Epicurean abilities.

That's why it was such a treat for her friends and family every Christmas season. Along with the nearly mandatory Christmas cards, she always sent off a tin of her mouth-watering chocolate fudge. Out of all the cupcakes, pies, meringues and other sweets in her repertoire, it was her rich, milky chocolate fudge that was considered her masterpiece. Each square was a slice of milky, mocha bliss.

The production and consumption of her delicious fudge was easy. But shipping the tins - either next door or across the country - wasn't so easy. That's where my grandfather came in.

My grandfather owned a successful packaging business and knew all the ins-and-outs of how to pack lightly and cheaply. So in the days leading up to Christmas, he'd spend hours packing her fudge.

It was perfect - he liked packing fudge and she loved it when he did because he was the best in town. Once as a youngster I accidentally walked into the kitchen while he was packing her fudge.

"Grandpa, what are you doing," I asked.

"Why I'm packing grandma's fudge, can't you see? Would you like to try it, too," he asked.

I shook with anticipation - I'd always wanted to pack my grandma's fudge but never had the chance because my grandfather was such an expert fudge packer. So when he offered me a shot, I jumped at it.

He watched over as I got started, just cramming it in carelessly, stuffing the box however I wanted.

That's when he took my hands and showed me how to slip the fudge in slowly, making sure to get it in tightly and cleanly.

"Once you get the hang of it you can go faster, but always start slowly, especially when packing grandma's fudge," he said.

"Wow, grandpa," I said. "Do you think I'll ever be a master fudge packer like you?"

And with that he chuckled and sat me on his knee and said, "Oh Grant, you already are the best fudge packer I know."

Happy Holidays!

Rejected Challengers to the Itallian Stallion.

• The Albanian Pomeranian.
• The Algerian Presbyterian.
• The Australian Mammalian.
• The Azerbaijani Johnny.
• The Burmese Wage Freeze.
• The Cambodian Custodian.
• The Dane Reign.
• The French Torque Wrench.
• The Greek James Vanderbeek.
• The Persian Perversion.
• The Kiribati Literati.
• The Korean Epicurean.
• The Laotian Motion.
• The Liberian Librarian.
• The Libyan Amphibian.
• The Hick from French Liechtenstein.
• The Maltese Trapeze.
• The Norwegian Collegian.
• The Pakistani Nanny.
• The Swiss Molasses.
• The Ukraine Lumbar Pain.
• The Briton Kitten.
• The Uzbek Glenn Beck.
• The Vatican City Steering Committee.
• The Yemeni Meanie.

The Top 10 Numbers of 2009.

1. 1.
2. 2.
3. 6.
4. 3.
5. 4.
6. 69.
7. 3.141592653589793.
8. 630-530-4117.
9. LXXXVII.
10. 10001110100101110110110111000.

An Appeal From Grant Miller Media Founder, Grant Miller.

Today, I am asking you to make a donation to support Grant Miller Media.

I started Grant Miller Media in 2005 , and over the past four years, I've been amazed to see hundreds of thousands of volunteers join with me to build the largest Grant Miller-related information resource in human history.

Grant Miller Media isn't a commercial Website. It's a community creation, entirely written and funded by people like you. More than 340 million people use Grant Miller Media every month - almost a third of the Internet-connected world. You are part of that community.

I believe in Grant Miller Media. I believe Grant Miller Media keeps getting better. That's the whole idea. One person writes something loosely based in fact, somebody adds to it and a third takes credit it for all the work. If you find Grant Miller Media useful today, imagine how much we can achieve together in 5, 10, 20 years.

Grant Miller Media is about the power of people like us to do middling, ordinary and perfunctory things. People like us write Grant Miller Media one word at a time. People like us fund it. Grant Miller Media is proof of our collective potential to change the world or at least a very small portion of it.

We need to protect the space where this trivial work happens. We need to protect Grant Miller Media. We want to keep it free of charge and free of advertising. Except the advertising that already exists in the left column as it is vitally important. We want to keep Grant Miller Media open - you can use the information in Grant Miller Media any way you want. Although doing so potentially violates copyright laws - just so you know.

We want to keep Grant Miller Media growing - spreading knowledge of issues related to Grant Miller everywhere, and inviting participation from everyone except like child molesters and murderers and stuff.

The Grant Miller Media Foundation is the non-profit organization I created in 2006 to operate, grow, nurture and protect Grant Miller Media. And to shelter my considerable fortune in shadowy, off-shore accounts and protect me personally from lawsuits against Grant Miller Media.

For $10 million a year and a staff of fewer than 35 people, the Grant Miller Media Foundation runs the fifth most-read Website for Grant Miller-related information in the entire world. I'm asking for your help so we can continue our work.

Imagine a world in which every single person on the planet has free access to the sum of all human knowledge on Grant Miller-related issues. That's where we're headed. And with your help, we will get there.

Thank you for using Grant Miller Media. You are part of this story: please make a donation today.

Grant Miller, Esq.

Founder, Grant Miller Media.

Holdout Sen. Nelson Rejects Toupée Compromise.

A moderate Democrat whose vote could be crucial said Thursday an attempted Senate compromise on toupées is unsatisfactory raising doubts about whether the chamber can pass President Obama's haircare overhaul by Christmas.

"As it is, without extensions, the language concerning toupées is not sufficient," Nebraska Sen. Ben Nelson, a key holdout on the haircare bill, said in a statement after first making his concerns known to Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev.

Nelson said there were positive improvements dealing with hair weaves and plugs and that he was open to further negotiations.

Nelson is the Senate's poofiest opponent of male-pattern baldness and a long-time critic of federal funding of hair-regrowth medication. Many of Nelson's campaign contributors are tied to the Big Toupée lobby.

Scientists Discover Distant Universe "Super-Earth."

Harvard astronomers on Thursday announced the discovery of a new planet composed mostly of water that may support life. The planet - dubbed "Super Earth" by scientists - is nearly seven times larger than Earth and 40 light years away. Here are some of the major differences between our Earth and its larger counterpart:

• Instead of saying "super size me" when ordering fries on Super Earth, Super Humans simply say "Size Me."
• On Super Earth, Superman is simply called "Man."
• On Super Earth, Angelina Jolie is nearly seven times hotter than on Earth.
• Despite Super Earth's immense size and advanced technology, many Super Humans still get Super Tommy Lee Jones and Super Harvey Keitel confused.
• On Super Earth, there actually are eight degrees of separation.
• On Super Earth, Super scientists have discovered a distant Earth so primitive and archaic that humans still watch Sandra Bullock movies.
• On Super Earth, Super Humans wear super-cool robes and hover around.
• Because it revolves more slowly, Bounty paper towels are not actually the quicker picker upper on Super Earth.
• On Super Earth, the supergroup Damn Yankees is only considered mildly super.
• On Super Earth, all glue is Superglue.

Bernanke Named Time's "Man of the Year."

Time Magazine named Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke its man of the year on Wednesday. Here's a look at some of his 2009 accomplishments:

• Saved the world economy while raising two, toe-headed youngsters all by himself in a tiny New York apartment.
• Starred in a hit TLC reality program, "Better off Fed!"
• Was the first to win Time's "Man of the Year" and People's "Sexiest Man Alive" in the same year since Harry Hamlin in 1987.
• Got into Radiohead.
• Made it a federal crime to actually write a check your ass can't cash.
• Didn't just monitor international monetary policies - he did it and made it look gooood.
• Pulled some strings to get himself on the nickel.
• Lost 12 pounds on SlimFast.
• Had the Washington Monument renamed "Big Ben."
• Watched all the "Lost" DVDs in one weekend.
• Added to his already extensive collection of vintage erotica.
• Formed an oldies cover band called "Ben and the Bernankes."
• Unveiled a line of charcoal grey suits for the sassy economist in all of us - available only at T.J.Maxx!

Italian PM Berlusconi Set to Leave Hospital Following Attack.

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi will be released from the hospital Wednesday following a weekend attack that left him with a broken nose and chipped teeth.

Here is a translation of Berlusconi's first public comments since the attack as translated by Grant Miller Media Internationalé:

"Hey-a I broke-a me face-a. Some spumone said he-a don' a like-a me an I don' know wha' to do. Why he hate me?

"So dis spumone trows a model of da Milan Duomo at a me-a face-a! And it hits me right-a in da face-a and it a hurt-a vedy vedy bad.

"So I's goes to him 'Hey what'sa matta you, hey. Gotta no respect, whatta you tink you do? It'sa not so bad. It'sa nice-a place. Ah shaddap you face!

"But-a I am a as you say all-a better now. I no more hurt-a me face-a. So I a go home from the a medico and I feel like-a lion! I will go to mi casa for a little of what-a we call da bella vita. Magnifico, my friend. Magnifico!

"I will sit-a back-a in me-a sofa and watch a little of da Bocce Ball-a on la televisión.

And I will drink-a from a bottle of a Chianti and I will-a eat a ton of rotini and manicotti, and linguine and macaroni, and-a spaghetti, and chef-a-boy-ardee-a. As mi mama Celeste always says 'Abbodanza!'"

Fin.

The 2009 Drysdale Award Winners.

• Blogger of the Year: Wendy Brandes. Honorable Mention: Grant Miller.
• Least Influential Political Blog: Grant Miller Media. Honorable Mention: The Pop Eye.
• Blogger that Spreads the Most Rumors About Other Bloggers: Catherinette Singleton. Honorable Mention: Dr. Zibbs.
• Blog with the Worst Spelling and Grammar: Everything I Like Causes Cancer. Honorable Mention: That Blue Yak.
• Blog with the Most Spam Comments: Grant Miller Media. Honorable Mention: That Blue Yak.
• Blog with the Most Posts about Jon or Kate Gosselin: The Pop Eye. Honorable Mention: That Blue Yak.
• Blog with the Most Stolen Material: Some Days It's Not Worth Chewing Through the Leather Straps. Honorable Mention: That Blue Yak.
• Blog with the Most Kitties: The Casual Slack. Honorable Mention: Everything I Like Causes Cancer.
• Blog with the Most Baby Pictures: Some Guy's Blog. Honorable Mention: That Blue Yak.
• Most Overt Use of Search Engine Optimization: That Blue Yak. Honorable Mention: Some Guy's Blog.
• Blog that is Clearly Paid to Endorse a Product or Service: Wendy Brandes Jewelry. Honorable Mention: Fire That Agency!
• Most Overt Plugging of a Blogger's Facebook or Twitter Page: Livit Luvit. Honorable Mention: That Blue Yak.
• Ugliest Blog: That Blue Yak. Honorable Mention: Sometimes I Make Lists.
• Longest Posts: Crown of Thistles. Honorable Mention: That Blue Yak.
• Least Updated Blog: Lots Better Than Your Blog. Honorable Mention: The Casual Slack.
• Worst Commenter: Grant Miller. Honorable Mention: Dr. Zibbs.
• Blog with the Most Swearing: Everything I Like Causes Cancer. Honorable Mention: Wendy Brandes Jewelry.
• Dullest Blog: Some Guy's Blog. Honorable Mention: Grant Miller Media.
• McGone Honorary Award For Lifetime Achievement in the Field of Not Blogging: McGone. Honorable Mention: Pistols at Dawn.

Congratulations to all the winners and nominees. A lavish, five-star awards ceremony hosted by television personality Matt Lauer is scheduled for the very near future.

40 Little Known Christmas Facts.

1. The highest-grossing Christmas film of all time is "Lethal Weapon 4."
2. In Mediterranean countries, children leave out hummus and sangria for Santa.
3. Ugandan dictator Idi Amin once designed a gingerbread replica of the Palace of Versailles.
4. The first day of Christmas is for savings.
5. The phrase "Merry Christmas" was invented by Sir Isaac Newton.
6. Mrs. Clause is into leather.
7. Christmas wasn't a federal holiday until 2007.
8. Due to global warming, Christmas trees will be replaced by cactus by 2015.
9. Burl Ives and Charles Manson were childhood friends.
10. Lottery tickets are the customary Christmas gifts for newlyweds.
11. Santa's naughty and nice list is three times larger than the Library of Congress.
12. In a pinch, Santa will leave fabric softner sheets in lieu of candy.
13. Since 9/11, it's a federal crime to board any domestic flight with more than 3 ounces of Frankincense.
14. Frosty the Snowman was gay.
15. Druids were the first people to wear robes.
16. According to FDA standards, figgy pudding must contain no less the 10 percent figgy.
17. George Washington spent Christmas 1776 crossing the Delaware River to get away from his in-laws.
18. Nearly 85 percent of Salvation Army bell ringers admit to stealing cash to pay for drugs.
19. St. Nicholas is the patron saint of elves.
20. Christmas coincides with Jesus' birthday.
21. Most Cabbage Patch Dolls sold in the U.S. contain trace amounts of cocaine.
22. Americans spend $8 trillion annually on Christmas cards.
23. Warren Buffett made his fortune returning Christmas sweaters for cash.
24. There are several eery coincidences when viewing "It's a Wonderful Life" while listening to The Eagles' album "Hotel California."
25. The reindeer Blitzen is left-handed.
26. Early drafts of Charles Dickens' "Christmas Carol" showed Scrooge waking up in a hotel bathtub filled with ice after his kidneys were harvested.
27. Elves are traditionally baptized in eggnog.
28. The Three Stooges are loosely based on the biblical wise men.
29. The largest Yule log on record burned for 13 years.
30. Gale Sayers was one hell of a running back.
31. A nuclear holocaust was narrowly averted in 1984 when NORAD shot down two of Santa's reindeer.
32. Santa smells like a chimney.
33. Almost 90 percent of all gold coins dropped in Salvation Army kettles are from Hollywood megastar Wesley Snipes.
34. Jesus once tried regifting myrrh.
35. In 1223 A.D., St. Francis of Assisi carved the first Nativity scene out of soap.
36. "The Miracle on 34th Street" was filmed in Toronto.
37. According to Freud, dreaming of a white Christmas symbolizes conflicts with your mother and unresolved sexual impulses.
38. The biggest selling Christmas single of all time is "The Loco-Motion" by Grand Funk Railroad.
39. In North America, children put stockings out at Christmas. In Iceland, kids put out salmon.
40. Jack Frost was bipolar.

A Closer Look at Today's Jobless Numbers.

The unemployment rate fell to 10 percent in November as employers cut 11,000 jobs - the smallest amount since the recession began.

But adjusting for seasonal and underemployed workers or those no longer seeking jobs paints a different picture. Here's a closer look at today's unemployment numbers:

Bumper Stickers You Never See.

An Announcement.

Dear Readers,

My Twitter account was compromised last weekend. Although everything is resolved now, I've taken precautions to make sure it doesn't happen again. Please be advised I will be using my alternate e-mail address (sexyyyjediknight@yahoo.com) until this issue soon passes.

Sincerely,

Grant Miller, Esq.

"Santa Clause is Coming to Town" Lyrics (2009)

You better watch out,

You better not cry,

Better not pout,

I'm telling you why

Santa Claus is coming to town.

He's making a list

and checking it twice.

He's gonna find out who's naughty and nice.

Santa Claus is coming to town.

He sees you when you're sleeping.

He knows when you're awake.

He goes through your things when you're at work.

He rolls around in your bed and smells the sheets.

He knows the route you take home from work.

He looks at old pictures of you when he's alone.

He pastes his picture over your husband.

He sits in his darkened office and cries and cries.

Restraining orders cannot stop him.

Why don't you ever return his calls?

He knows you were meant to be together forever.

What does Santa Claus have to do to make you love him?

He keeps a picture of you in his wallet.

He strokes it everyday.

You have such pretty hair.

What the hell do you see in that guy

That Santa Claus can't provide?

He sits in a van outside your house.

He hasn't had a job in months.

He's lost all his friends.

He's drinking again.

He uses old newspapers as blankets.

He writes your name in bubble letters and draws a heart around it.

He gets jealous when you friend other people on Facebook.

He smells of burnt almonds and peppermint schnapps.

He stares at the setting sun and wonders where it all went so wrong.

He watches you sleep.

He strokes your hair and whispers "I love you."

He keeps a rolled up sock handy

In case you suddenly wake.

And a towel soaked in chloroform.

He feels so stupid for ever losing you.

Stupid, stupid stupid!

He promises things will be different this time.

He knows he's not perfect.

He'll do anything to make it up to you.

Just let Santa Claus in?

Please? Santa Claus just wants to talk.

You better watch out.

You better not cry.

You better not pout

No, no. Stop crying. Someone will hear.

Don't cause a scene.