It's been just about a month since we moved into our new home in Tampa and while I don't want to complain, there's something about Florida-life that already has me riled.
Manatees.
These damn sea-cows are everywhere - they are literally invading our state and forcing us to accept their sedentary lifestyle and speak in squeaks and chirps. Why is it when I call the county building I have push one for English two for Spanish and three for Manatish??? I even read somewhere that by 2016 there will be more manatees living here - illegally I might add - than humans!
And I don't want to come off as some anti-manatite - I have a manatee friend!! - but these herbivorous marine mammals DO NOT BELONG HERE! Send them back to the sea where they belong!
Before we moved down here, we checked the neighborhoods and schools because honestly, manatees drive down property values. I don't mind if manatees have their own neighborhoods and schools - hell I LOVE manatee food - but I DON'T WANT IT IN MY BACKYARD!
Even at our school which is 98 percent human - my kids HAVE TO spend an hour each day learning Manatish. I don't know how it was when you were in school, but when I was a kid you spoke a human language and we didn't cater to Manatees. Heaven forbid if my daughters ever bring home a manatee!!!
But it doesn't matter where you live because everyday we see carloads of manatees cruising down the street blaring their dolphin songs on the stereo. Have you heard some of those lyrics??? All they sing about is who's got the biggest pectoral fin - IT'S DISGUSTING!
But of course you can't say anything about this - noooooo. And you know why? It's because manatees have exceptionally strong hearing and they might get all offended! I'm so sick of manatee-correctness.
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7 comments:
Better move back. It's the same over here in Cocoa Beach.
I heard your colleges have quotas for under-achieving manatee admissions too.
You don't sound elitist to me. You just prefer dry gated neighborhoods....am I right??
Be careful. Your daughter will start dating manatees just to piss you off.
How can you hate the "sea cow?" They're adorable. I guess if you really hate them, you could go out there with a motorboat cause I hear they get chopped up all the time by motorboats cuz they bob their fat asses at the surface all the time.
"Sea Cow" is a misnomer. They taste more like chicken.
florida blows.
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