Dear Family,
In just a few days, this great house of ours will be transformed thanks to your hard work and continued support. And as the next husband and father from this beautiful family, I will work tirelessly to bring tacos or Chinese back to this three-bedroom condo, to cut spending and improve life not only for today but for generations to come.
Unlike my opponent, I support our kids. When I was supporting our kids, my opponent was at yoga. When I was supporting our kids my opponent was out visiting her friends across town. I don't know about my opponent, but if I'm re-elected to this house next Tuesday I will continue to support our kids 100 percent.
For years I've opposed the entry of illegal aliens into our house. I was the one who proposed locking the door to keep illegal aliens out. When we went to Jamaica in 2007, I was the one who proposed setting the lights on timers to prevent illegal aliens from entering our house. My opponent may talk a big game but I'll tell you right now - she has no plan for stopping the flow of illegal immigrants into our house!
My opponent tries to paint herself as an outsider to this family with no special interests. But let's face it - it's her signature that goes on every check and she's controlled this family's purse strings for too long. In this race, there's only one true outsider, someone who hasn't really balanced a checkbook since college and isn't bound by memorizing account numbers and passwords. And that candidate is me.
I don't know about you, but I'm pretty upset with the way things are going in our kitchen. I remember a time when I could open the freezer and see a nearly full carton of cookies-and-cream ice cream. But those days are long gone. Now my opponent expects WORKING AMERICANS like you and me to go to the store and hand over our hard-earned money to get more COOKIES-AND-CREAM.
If you think the freezer needs more ice cream, be sure to vote for me next Tuesday.
Sincerely,
Grant Miller, Esq.
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14 comments:
You have my vote.
I'd love to vote for you but I'm not registered in your district.
I know exaclty how this works. You make a good speech, but the chances of you taking out this particular brand of incumbent are zero.
I want more ice cream, but I'm not willing to throw away my vote to get it.
Good luck though...for what it's worth.
The price of ice cream is too damn high.
Beltway insiders!
In this post 9-11 world, we need a candidate like you Grant Miller!
What??! No third-party choice?
Yeah, but what is your stance on allowance?
I'm not even Grant Miller, Esq. and I approve of this message.
Forget the ice cream .. you're in Florida now. Tell her to buy you a beer.
Wait a sec - your wife is running for husband and father too?
I'll never understand Florida politics.
Isn't that just like a liberal- you're clearly trying to draw attention away from the "Nacho-gate" debacle of '08 with your empty promises of delicious dairy-based frozen confections. Did you even for one second think about the children? WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN???
Oh, wait. I guess you did.
Carry on.
What's your stance on the second amendment rights of minors?
Okay, I voted for you. Now where's my ice cream?
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