An Open Letter to the TSA.

Dear TSA,

In recent weeks, your organization has come under attack from civil libertarians and others who claim full-body scanners and airport security pat are an invasion of privacy. Some have even said they will boycott security checkpoints during next week's busy holiday rush.

I will not comment on the validity of their arguments or offer suggestions on how to make your duties less invasive. I am writing you today for one reason: To make everything all right.

You look so good in that standard, government issue bright blue uniform with those patches and tie. Mmmm. Oh yeah. Yeah. You know. Those polyester pants they make you look so fine. So fine I'm losing my mind, baby.

Here, let me get a little more comfortable and take off my shoes. Ahhh. That's better. You like when I place my shoes in this grey bin? I knew you would, baby. You know where I want your shoes? How about over my shoulders, baby.

Step right this way, you ask? You know I couldn't say no, because it's a federal crime. Oh? You want me to step into your what what? Oh a full-body scan? You move so fast, it must be because there's 100 more people in line behind me.

There you go baby. I'm all yours to see. And as you can tell, I am 100 percent All-American male, baby, and I am the bomb.

Yeah, roll the cameras, sound the sirens - you don't see something like this everyday. I don't have any weapons, unless you're talking about these guns right here, baby. I would turn around but I can't take my eyes off you, baby.

See something you like? Maybe you need to come in for a feel - you never can be too safe when you're so sexy. Pat me down and feel me up, I'm all yours. However you like it.

Now you wanna what? You wanna unzip my bags, baby? I love it when you unzip slowly, reaching down, feeling my rolled up socks and undershirts. And then you find what you're looking for: My 4-ounces of love. I got 4-ounces of whatever you need - mouthwash, hair gel, cologne, contact solution or allergy medicine. And it's all yours too see in my ziplock bag.

You can ride my friendly skies anytime you want, baby.

Sincerely,

Grant Miller, Esq.