Obama Administration Wants Killer Whale Trial in Orlando.

President Obama said Friday he won't rule out an Orlando federal trial for Tilikum, the killer whale mastermind behind the 2/22 SeaWorld attack, but will consider the objections of local and sea officals.

The Obama administration has come under withering attack, mainly from aquatic life, for a decision by his Justice Department to try the 12,000-pound killer whale in a U.S. court near SeaWorld, site of the attack that killed Tilikum's trainer Dawn Brancheau.

Obama said using traditional legal measures to convict killer whales is a virtue Americans and krill should take pride.

He defended the decision noting the Bush Administration handled the case of a rampaging elephant in San Diego the same way.

"They prosecuted 190 animals in these Article III courts, got convictions and those animals are in maximum security zoos right now. And there have been no escapes," Obama said. "That is a virtue of our system we should be proud of."

Sen. George LeMieux, R-Florida, responded: "Based on the security, logistical and cost concerns raised by the mayor and police commissioner, it is not feasible to have killer whale trials in Florida. One need only look at the case of U.S. vs. Free Willy for what could happen."

Lame Russian Jokes.

I don't discuss this often but for a period in the 1980s, I worked undercover for the CIA in Moscow. I can't get into the job specifics, but my cover was working as a comedian who recently defected from America.

To maintain my identity, I came up with tons of Russian jokes every night. I stumbled upon them recently in a box in my basement labeled "Russian Jokes 1982-1989." Forgive me if they don't make much sense - Russian humor is very different from American jokes and most of these haven't seen the light of day since Perestroika. Unless you lived in Soviet Russia, you should probably just skip these entirely.

You might not find these funny, but these killed in Soviet Russia.

• In America you pay taxes. In Soviet Russia taxes pay you!!!
• In America you microwave food. In Soviet Russia, food microwaves you!!!
• In America you pay prostitute. In Soviet Russia prostitute pay you!!!!
• How about Premiere Gorbachev? Someone ask him what his proudest moment was and Premiere Gorbachev say "Winning office pools on Andropov and Chernenko!!!" Hey, what a country!!!
• Premier Brezhnev recently celebrate birthday, said he was 72 even though he actually 74! He say that's because he don't count two years he spent in Siberia!!!! Hey, what a country!!!
• Soviet cosmonaut recently come back to the Earth and say he see only two things from outer space - China Great Wall and that thing on Gorbachev head!!! Hey, what a country!!!
• Man win Moscow lottery for 10 million rubles. He chose winning number by taking first three digits of Premiere Brezhnev weight!!! Hey what a country!!!!
• Hey how about Olympic women swim team? They are so a great. They are so a great they even won the gold medal in men swimming!!! Hey what a country!!!!
• I read in Soviet news that 99.8 percent of Russians approve of invasion of Afghanistan. The .2 percent were too busy drinking vodka to answer question!!!! Hey what a country!!!!

Toyota Promises Changes Following Congressional Hearings.

Toyota CEO Akio Toyoda publicly apologized before Congress today for safety lapses that contributed to 39 deaths and lead to a massive recall. Here are some of the changes, the automaker promises over the next year:

• Giant, fire-breathing dragons will no longer build new cars.
• Will cease providing gloveboxes filled with used schoolgirl panties as a new car option.
• Airbags will no longer be imprinted with Hello Kitty.
• GPS voice directions will no longer be read by a coy, Japanese schoolgirl who giggles coquettishly at every intersection.
• Will cease giving chako stick keychains to new car buyers.
• New cars will no longer transform into giant, crime fighting machines.
• High-end vehicles will come pre-installed with front and rear cameras to take pictures of everything they see.
• Will provide an optional steering wheel microphone for in-car karaoke.

An Open Letter to Martin Scorsese from Shutter Island Mental Health Center Communications Director Phil Lundeen.

Dear Mr. Scorsese,

Allow me to say what an honor it is to be writing you today. I'm a fan of your work and have seen many of your films over the years. But I must take issue with your newest movie, "Shutter Island."

I believe your film unfairly promotes a negative view of the work we do at Shutter Island Mental Health Center. In the 22 years I've worked here, the facility has undergone a transformation to bring our patients the care they need at a reasonable cost to the state.

Our facility routinely is awarded the highest ratings from U.S. News and World Report for our treatment of paranoid schizophrenia, sadistic personality disorders, demonic possession and the criminally insane. In 2004, Harvard University Medical School gave Shutter Island a perfect rating for its care of cannibalistic sociopaths.

Of course, Shutter Island is not perfect. As you know, the facility was once accused of performing sinister human experiments reminiscent of the worst acts carried out by the Nazis. But the responsible doctors were reprimanded and placed on unpaid leave for several days and the electro-shock therapy suite is now under tighter supervision during business hours.

You may also remember the facility was the focus of an intense manhunt after several deranged sociopaths briefly escaped our care. To our knowledge, each of the deeply disturbed individuals was apprehended.

We've moved on from these minor incidents in our history and hope you will, too.

Your film and others like it unfairly malign not just Shutter Island but all creepy mental institutions. I encourage you to visit Shutter Island Mental Health Center to learn more about what makes it the best little remote island asylum for the criminally insane anywhere.

Sincerely,

Philip Lundeen

Communications Director

Shutter Island Mental Health Center

New Credit Card Rules Take Effect Today.

New federal laws to protect consumers and regulate credit card companies take effect today. Greater oversight of the credit card industry was a key component to President Obama's White House campaign.

Here's a look at some of its provisions:

• Makes it a federal crime to leave home without it.
• Items previously believed to be priceless now have a 1 percent APR fee.
• It will no longer pay to Discover.
• Visa and a team of SEC regulators will be everywhere you want to be.

A Temporary Pause. To Put You First.

Dear Readers,

When Grant Miller Media began, everyone involved was determined to make it different from other blogs - in the topics we covered, the photos we posted and the quality products that bore our name.

Of course, the possibility exists of an occasional slip-up. A zipper might jam on a Grant Miller Media tote - I didn't say it couldn't happen. But no one at Grant Miller Media would intentionally make lunch meat of "reptiles, rodents, amphibians and fecal matter" as the USDA analysis concluded.

Other consumer rights advocates have accused Grant Miller Media's Lawn and Garden Centers of intentionally selling "dangerous and potentially lethal" products with "flagrant disregard for consumer safety."

Granted, few customers would willingly purchase lawnmowers with "blades held together by twist-ties and Scotch tape." And that's why Grant Miller Media has worked tirelessly to correct these issues by offering partial refunds when applicable.

I can't speak for other blogs but at Grant Miller Media we make this pledge: When a loose blade permanently disfigures you or a loved one, the partial refund is on us.

We've made other corrections where necessary. We didn't have to change suppliers simply because the United Nations Council on Human Trafficking accused Grant Miller Media of "willfully encouraging and advancing human slavery" throughout many Asian countries. We made the change because it benefited you, the consumer.

But some issues simply are out of our hands. Not even the world's sharpest economic minds could have predicted the swift downfall of Grant Miller Media First Financial Services LLC. Just because the Grand Cayman-based bank folded quietly last year under cover of darkness and left thousands of small investors penniless, doesn't mean we've given up tracking down the stolen money. Through its lawyers, Grant Miller Media will continue to work closely with Interpol and the World Bank even though it appears the money is gone forever and the case should probably be closed.

I would elaborate more on the fine products we offer at Grant Miller Media, but have been advised to remain silent on any and all pending cases. Nonetheless, Grant Miller Media hopes to put this messy period behind us shortly and continue to offer you the same hard-hitting, insightful commentary you've come to expect.

Sincerely,

Grant Miller, Esq.

Lost Bush Emails, Vol. VII.

Date: Jan. 19, 2009

To: Agriculture Secretary Ed Schafer

From: W.

Subject: Cheetos

"Hey Too Tall -

"Tell me something - what is the deal with Cheetos? They taste like cheese but then I look at the bag and it says they're made from corn. Says it right there. What gives? Are they cheese or are they corn? They with us or they against us? You tell me - you seem to have all the answers smart guy.

"I'm not leaving till I get an answer on this

"W."

This is one of 22 million recently discovered emails previously believed lost by the Bush Administration. Grant Miller Media is presenting samples of these emails as an ongoing series.

30 Little Known Presidential Facts.

1. Thomas Jefferson took the oath of office in Latin.
2. At 6'5, Abraham Lincoln is widely considered America's tallest president. Modern historians now believe this was due to his hat.
3. Shortly after taking office in 1977, Jimmy Carter installed a mechanical bull in the oval office.
4. James Monroe's nickname was "Old Pork and Beans."
5. Instead of a presidential limousine, Dwight Eisenhower drove a souped-up, nitro-burning drag racer named "Ike's Heavy Chevy."
6. Prior to Franklin Roosevelt, the 10 cent dime featured the likeness of Shirley Temple.
7. James Garfield had a tramp stamp.
8. Gerald Ford once worked as a drug mule.
9. John F. Kennedy's middle name was Fantasia.
10. Franklin D. Roosevelt faked having polio.
11. Grover Cleveland invented the taco.
12. In German, "Martin Van Buren" is slang for the male anatomy.
13. In 1997, Bill Clinton established the Executive Mile High Club aboard Air Force One.
14. Barack Obama has sought to institute a new policy for gays in the military called "Don't Ask, Don't tell, Just Whisper it to Me."
15. Rutherford Hayes was a chubby chaser.
16. Not only did George Washington have wooden teeth, he also had a glass eye, a peg leg and wore a wig.
17. Calvin Coolidge once dated Madonna.
18. George W. Bush lobbied Congress to change the national anthem to Grand Funk Railroad's "We're an American Band."
19. William Henry Harrison left office a month after his inauguration to backpack across Europe.
20. During his two terms in office, President Reagan never once missed an episode of "Spencer for Hire."
21. Ulysses S. Grant was a known alcoholic while in office. His favorite drink: White Zin and 7-Up.
22. John Quincy Adams was elected primarily on the strength of his muttonchops.
23. Lyndon Johnson once woke up in a Del Rio, Texas, Red Roof Inn bathtub buried in ice.
24. Andrew Jackson and Michael Jackson were first cousins.
25. Every occupant of the Executive branch is linked to a shadowy, secret society known as The Subway Sub Club®.
26. While it's true that George Washington could not tell a lie, he routinely stiffed D.C. area diners.
27. Modern DNA science has proven without a doubt that John Adams was the notorious Jack the Ripper.
28. There are more towns named after Millard Fillmore than all other presidents combined.
29. The White House's design is based on a sketch of a Baltimore-area Long John Silver restaurant.
30. Thomas Jefferson finished his inaugural speech with the immortal words: "Obey Your Thirst."

Lost Bush Emails, Vol. VI

Date: June 21, 2004

To: Drug Enforcement Agency Chief Karen Tandy

From: W.

"Hey Dandy Tandy,

"I got an email today from an 'old friend' who's going on vacation to Texas next week and wanted to know if you guys could recommend some good 'Tex-Mex' down there. Get it? He wants some 'Tex-Mex.' Thought you guys might be able to hook him up with somebody who's got 'Tex-Mex.' You know, someone who's 'cool.' Get what I'm saying here?

"Don't worry about this guy. Let's just say I know him real well. I've known him, hell, all my life. You dig what I'm saying? He's a good guy, just wants some 'Tex-Mex' while he's on vacation in Crawford. Got it now?

"You know, if you can make this happen and get him some primo 'Tex-Mex' let's just say he's very powerful and could really help your career. Hell, he might even be the most powerful guy in the whole damn world. You get me?

"So how about some 'Tex-Mex' for my 'old friend?'

"Hook 'em horns,

"W."

This is one of 22 million recently discovered emails previously believed lost by the Bush Administration. Grant Miller Media is presenting samples of these emails as an ongoing series.

Five Romantic Ways to Spend Valentine's Day Leading a Double Life With Your Secret Lover.

Are you looking for a truly romantic (and discreet) way to spend Valentine's Day with your secret lover? Here are five surefire ways to put that spark back into your double life:

1. Take a second honeymoon. While your first honeymoon was spent with your lawfully wedded spouse - make this one special by spending it with one of your secret partners. Book a room (under an assumed name and with cash) at an out-of-town bed-and-breakfast where no one will recognize you.
2. Be kids again. Get a box of children's Valentine's and write them out to one of your secret lovers. You can use famous poems or make a few of your own. Just be sure to write them with your opposite hand so the penmanship is less identifiable and eliminate the evidence by burning the cards afterwards.
3. Smell the roses. Don't just buy a tired, old dozen red roses like you would for your spouse. Instead, shower the room with rose petals for the weekly rendezvous at the rundown motel near the airport. Don't worry about the mess - that's what housekeeping is for.
4. The gift that keeps on giving. Take the cute stuffed animal or box of chocolates your real spouse gave you and regift them to your second or third lover. He or she or both of them will enjoy your spouse's thoughtfulness.
5. Include the family. Today's hectic life makes raising a secret family difficult. That's why it's important to spend time with your illegitimate children when you've told your spouse you're stuck at work finishing a big project. A few extra moments or surprise gifts will ease their pain when you tell them "not to call" because you're "very busy on an important business trip."

Pictures of the 2010 Illinois Earthquake.

The Chicago suburbs experienced a 4.3 magnitude earthquake early Wednesday morning. Here are some pictures I shot of the damage at Grant Miller Media headquarters in St. Charles, Illinois. Please be advised they are quite graphic and should not be viewed by children, pregnant women, women who may become pregnant, the elderly, those with heart conditions or fancy lads:

BEFORE: I'd spent the evening making this drawing for my kids.

AFTER: All that hard work lost to the quake.

BEFORE: I accidentally left my golden Slinky at the top of the stairs.

AFTER: This picture was taken as the quake started.

BEFORE: Our living room before the quake.

AFTER: This is how it looked the next morning.

BEFORE: This vase holds my mom's ashes. It means a lot to me.

AFTER: Now look at it.

Most and Least Common Search Words Used to Find Grant Miller Media.

The Most Common:

1. least popular baby names 2009
2. scat blogspot
3. milton berle penis
4. catchphrases 2009
5. samantha brown nude
6. who's gay in hollywood
7. grant miller media
8. ipad
9. lame knock knock jokes
10. jd salinger memorial

The Least Popular:

1. seniorsexparty.com
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Random Song on My iPod.

1. "Breadcrumb Trail" by Slint. This is as math rock as my iPod gets.
2. "The Geese of Beverly Road" by The National. I liked The National when I first heard them. Now I find them a bit too sentimental.
3. "Land: Horses/Land of a Thousand Dances/La Mer (De)" by Patti Smith. Not my favorite song off "Horses."
4. "Fight" by The Cure. This was from my wife's massive Cure collection. I had nothing to do with it.
5. "A Time to Be So Small" by Interpol. I used to think these guys were pretty good. Now I find them pretty okay.
6. "Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)" by The Eurythmics. I love this song. Dave Stewart is a genius and I can totally sing this in the shower or car.
7. "Mistress Witch from McClure (Or the Mind That Knows Itself)" by Sufjan Stevens. This song would be perfect for like a Volkswagen commercial or something. VW ad people should call me, I have it all planned out.
8. "Statue of Liberty" by The Descendents. Not my favorite song of theirs.
9. "Is This Desire" by P.J. Harvey. Spooky song. Maybe the spookiest on my iPod.
10. "Rainy Day Women #12 & 35" by Bob Dylan. Super-overrated Dylan song. Way Overrated. It's only known for one thing.
11. "The Sidewinder Sleeps Tonight" by R.E.M. There are a million R.E.M. cover bands doing this song on YouTube. Some are pretty entertaining for all the wrong reasons.
12. "Lazy Eye" by The Silversun Pickups. Not bad for a little radio song. Also not great, but definitely not bad.
13. "One World (Not Three)" by The Police. It's pretty funny when Sting gets all reggae.
14. "I Don't Know What to Do With My Life" by The Buzzcocks. It's as true now as when I first heard it at 13 or something. I'd like to form a band now that makes responses to these coming-of-age type anthems. I'd write a song titled "I Don't Know What I've Done With My Life."
15. "Frankly Mr. Shankly" by The Smiths. The best Kinks song ever written by Morrissey and Marr.

How Prepared Are You For a Weather Emergency? Here's a List of What You'll Need.

As the worst storm in the history of all weather events destroys most of the East Coast this weekend, it's a good time to review emergency supply kits. Here's a list of what every home needs when disaster strikes:

• One gallon of water per person, per day for at least three days.
• A three-day supply of non-perishable food.
• Battery powered radio.
• A working flashlight.
• Trip wire.
• Machete.
• Gas masks for every person and animal.
• Flares.
• A crowbar for breaking into a neighbor's house.
• Purification tablets for turning urine into water.
• Shovel for digging ditches to bury the dead or dying.
• Cigarettes, alcohol or pornography to use for bartering once the world economy collapses.
• Bear spray.
• A gun silencer.
• Smoke bombs.
• Chako sticks.
• An elephant rifle.
• A necklace with a shark's tooth to tie around your neck as riots and despair spread across the countryside.
• A remote control computer jamming device in case you're being followed on radar or GPS.
• A small axe for throwing at trees if an enemy approaches.
• A thorough understanding of the International Signal Code and personal set of hand gestures that can be used when moving silently in enemy territory.
• Printed copies of Grant Miller Media.
• Hacksaw for cutting wood or primitive medical procedures.
• A bad ass looking knife.
• Candles in case you want to get romantic.
• Cyanide tablets in case you are discovered behind enemy lines.
• Camo suits for all terrain for every member of your family including pets.

18 Little Known Facts About the New Orleans Saints.

• The Saints are one of two professional teams owned by the Vatican. The other is the San Diego Padres.
• Although many NFL stars claim God is on their side, He only bets on the Saints.
• In his first official act as Pontiff, Pope Benedict drafted Reggie Bush.
• Under strict orders from the Vatican, the Saints practice Hail Mary passes more than all other offensive plays combined.
• The Saints also are known for two-point conversions.
• The Pope condemns fantasy football because it promotes the worship of false idols.
• Last month, New Orleans resigned and canonized former running back Deuce McAllister and named him the Patron Saint of breaking tackles.
• Not even the Pope watched the Pro Bowl.
• If the Saints lose on Sunday, Pope Benedict said Drew Brees will go to hell.
• Mother Theresa was cut from the team following an ankle injury in 1989.
• The only former Saints star in the NFL Hall of Fame is Saint Peter. The former middle linebacker was inducted into the hall in 1994 along with Tony Dorsett, Jimmy Johnson and Randy White.
• Since his retirement as Coach in 1997, Saint Paul has operated several successful car dealerships in the greater Phoenix area.
• Jesus never played football in high school.
• Saints kicker John Carney is known to turn Gatorade into wine during halftime.
• The phrase "Who Dat?" translates to "Quisnam est ut" in Latin.
• Michelangelo's descendants were flown in from Italy to help repair the Louisiana Superdome roof after Hurricane Katrina in 2005.
• Former Saints great Rickey Jackson once appeared in Coca-Cola commercial with St. Francis of Assisi and a young Shia LeBeouf.
• God typically doesn't watch the Super Bowl halftime show.

Fact!

The first thing they teach you in law school is that it's totally legal to wear slippers while driving.

Study Reveals Why Kids Get Bullied.

A new study by Chicago's Rush Neurobehavioral Center shows schoolyard bullies typically pick on children displaying certain behaviors that often remain for life. According to researchers, children who are picked on often share one or more of the following traits:

• They're losers.
• Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!
• They have four eyes.
• They're not cool.
• They are rotten eggs.
• They are nanny-nanny boo boo.
• They have too much lunch money.
• They are dweebs.
• They have cooties.
• Their mothers are unattractive and wear combat boots.
• They are big babies.
• Wahhh. Wahhhh.

Lesser Known Norman Rockwell Paintings.

• "The Puppy Mill."
• "Hobo Chili."
• "Grandpa's Secret."
• "I'll Give You My Gun When You Take it From My Cold, Dead Hands."
• "Thinking of You."
• "Grab Ass."
• "The Key Party."
• "Cock Blocked."
• "Peeping Tom."
• "Missing Hikers."
• "The Angry Drunk."
• "Running with Scissors."
• "Home Invasion."
• "Couple of Guys Sitting Around, Watching TV."
• "Don't Stare."
• "The Knife Fight."
• "Hands Are Tough to Draw."
• "One Guy One Cup."

Signs You Have a Counterfeit iPad.

Last week's release of Apple's iPad also so reports of knockoff iPads trying to make a fast buck. Here are signs your iPad may be a bootleg:

• It's just an oversized postcard from Puerto Vallarta.
• It looks suspiciously like your TV remote.
• It's covered in delicious frosting with a gooey strawberry filling inside.
• It requires the battery from a 1993 Ford Taurus to run.
• The only video it plays is of your wedding night.
• It plays Bejeweled but not Bejeweled Blitz, damnit!
• It was designed by Lou Dobbs, not Steve Jobs.
• Using it makes you feel superior and cool, but not as superior and cool as you'd hoped.
• It's orange, circular and glides through the air.
• It shakes and giggles whenever you use the touch screen.

An Open Letter to the Obama Administration.

Dear Obama Administration,

I read recently that you want to take the 9/11 trials out of Manhattan and are offering $200 million for an alternative location.

After discussing the issue with my wife and kids, we've agreed holding the 9/11 trials at our house would be okay.

We have sufficient space - four bedrooms and two baths, a finished basement and an attached two car garage. We live on a quiet street just footsteps away from a cul-de-sac so traffic shouldn't be an issue. We're walking distance to schools, parks and shopping.

I'm not sure what kind of facilities you would need, but we have a long table that seats four in the dining room. You could push it against the wall and the judge could sit there.

There's also a couch in the living room. It seats four comfortably. And there's an Ottoman and an oversized chair that easily sits two. The two chairs by the bookshelf are mostly decorative - no one ever sits there. But I guess you could use those, too.

If security is an issue, we have you covered. I'm doorsteps from a local cop and my neighbor across the street - Mr. Wallace - is a retired police officer. Every summer he holds a neighborhood cookout that's always a lot of fun. Obviously 9/11 suspects would not be welcome there.

There's also a firefighter that lives three houses down.

For additional security, I can plug in the light-timers and show you how to use the locks in case no one is home. Our next door neighbors usually watch our house when we're away. I could tell them to be expecting you. We'll probably leave town while you're holding the 9/11 trials just to get out of your way.

I hope you will consider our house when choosing a location for the 9/11 trials. Additionally, we'll do it at half the cost - just $100 million!!!

Thanks,

Grant Miller, Esq.

Biggest Surprises in Obama's State of the Union Address.

• The way Biden kept winking and pointing at babes in the front row.
• Simon Cowell's bitchy comments following the speech.
• The way President Obama compared everything to the movie "Avatar."
• Started speech with a couple of dirty limericks.
• Most of it was clearly lifted from Wikipedia.
• Ended the speech with a delicious recipe for deviled eggs.
• Promised to land a man on Janet Napolitano by 2012.