Earth Hour FYI!

In observation of Earth Hour this evening, Grant Miller Media will be powered entirely by the size of my ego.

Palin Stumps for McCain.

Sarah Palin campaigned for John McCain today in Arizona - the first time since the former running mates lost their 2008 White House bid. Here's a look at why they're doing it now:

• Coincides with release of greatest hits box set, "50,000,000 Hockey Moms Can't Be Wrong: The Very Best of McCain-Palin."
• Creative differences ended the campaign hopes of a McCain-Hagar ticket.
• Settled lawsuit against "McCain-Palin Revisited" - a campaign team comprised of no original members that continued to perform McCain-Palin hits at county fairs nationwide.
• Were offered $5 million to headline Coachella this year.
• Couldn't stand watching Fox News and seeing every campaign team rip them off without giving credit.
• Wanted to bring their campaign slogans to a wider, younger audience.
• Co-chaired a discussion at South by Southwest on repealing the estate tax and just started playing some of their old campaign speeches for fun.
• McCain needed the money after several failed investments and drug problems.
• Were offered a shot at the 2011 Super Bowl half-time show.

Top of the Charts: Loafers

This week's most popular selections of loafers at Grant Miller Media headquarters are compiled between 8 a.m. Monday and 10 p.m. Friday from a variety of sources and merchants. Numbers in parentheses denotes a loafers' rank last week.

1. Tassled loafers (1)
2. Loafers (2)
3. Penny loafers (3)

Data for the Grant Miller Media Top of the Charts: Loafers - which includes all varieties available at Grant Miller Media headquarters and those at nearby or online shoe merchants - is compiled by Nielsen Soundshoe. The chart includes not only loafers owned by Grant Miller Media but those seen in catalogs, department stores or on other people. Grant Miller Media Top of the Charts: Loafers is audited semi-annually by the firm of Deloitte Touche and Tohmatsu. A copy of the most recent audit is available at most public libraries, institutions of higher learning, houses of worship or by filing a formal request. For more information or to file a formal request, please send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to FCIC P.O. Box 100, Pueblo Colorado, 81009.

4 Facts You Should Know About President Obama.

1. President Obama personally insures every fluid ounce of United States water contains fluoride. This highly secretive program was instituted shortly after President Obama was sworn in by his reptilian overlords. Following his daily briefing with the Illuminati, Bilderberg Group and United Nations Security Council, the President reviews fluoridation levels and adjusts them accordingly to control gold prices.
2. President Obama maintains close watch over a shadowy, desert military installation known as "Area 51." Many conspiracy theorists mistakenly believe this location 80 miles north of Las Vegas houses alien technology and UFOs. In fact, President Obama uses the site to hide his Indonesian birth certificate and Muslim prayer rug.
3. President Obama was sworn into office on the Quran. When taking the oath of office, President Obama placed his hand on a copy of the Quran that once belonged to his father, the Ayatollah Khomeini.
4. President Obama attended a Madrassa while living in Indonesia as a child. This is almost true. More accurately, Obama attended medical school in Indonesia to study abortions, stem cell transplants, kidney harvesting, witchcraft and levitation.

Is That a Javelin in Your Luggage or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

If you're traveling for spring break please review the following actual luggage restrictions culled from airline Websites:

• American Airlines limits passengers to one javelin at a checked baggage cost of $100.
• Delta prohibits passengers from bringing kayaks or canoes aboard domestic flights. However, parachutes are allowed as carry-ons.
• On Southwest, passengers must check their swords before boarding. The airline also allows passengers to carry-on a parachute but it may not be worn during flights.
• Pets accompanying their owners aboard Southwest are not eligible for the airline's frequent flier program.
• Fliers packing hunting trophies aboard Continental Airlines are asked to wrap the carcass' skull prior to boarding.
• Fliers on United are charged $175 for every vaulting pole brought aboard.
• United also charges $250 to check hang gliders.
• U.S. Airways allows passengers one bow and one quiver on domestic flights.
• U.S. Airways also allows fliers to bring three bowling balls aboard flights - the most in the industry.

The End Has No End.

The following is a repost of a 2006 Grant Miller Media editorial that seems appropriate given today's historic congressional vote on healthcare.

First posted Dec. 18, 2006:

You may have heard last week that Senator Tim Johnson, D-South Dakota, suffered a stroke.

I wish him a full and speedy recovery. But there are thousands of others more deserving of sympathy.

It's unfortunate Johnson had a stroke. But he's lucky to be in Congress.

Congressmen, like Johnson, are privy to a healthcare plan with hundreds of choices. That freedom means nearly everything is covered. A procedure that isn't covered under one plan might be with another. Congressmen, like Johnson, can shop around. The free market system at its best.

My last employer's healthcare plan offered two choices. Three, if you include declining coverage entirely. Yours is probably no better. If something's not covered, TFB. Shopping around isn't in the cards. Milton Friedman wouldn't approve.

The government then negotiates with those HMOs and medical companies to keep costs reasonable. Does your employer negotiate with HMOs or medical companies? Insurance companies? Neither did mine.

Thousands of Americans suffer strokes everyday. The costs are astronomical.

In 1998, my mother suffered a stroke. She had about $200,000 in cash ready for retirement. She was self-employed and paid a fortune for health insurance before the stroke. After the stroke, nobody would cover her.

When she died a few years later, attorneys, nursing homes and doctors fought over her last $1,000. Other bills simply went unpaid. There was barely enough to pay for her cremation.

By 2050, Americans will pay $2.2 trillion in stroke-related healthcare unless the federal government steps in. As usual, blacks and Latinos are expected to pay the biggest share.

Still, Congress wants that super healthcare plan all to themselves. Earlier this month, the outgoing Republican majority voted to expand health savings account program. It's a decent idea and my family uses it - we stock a few bucks away every month. But if I have a stroke tomorrow the house is up for sale the next day. I suspect you're the same way.

The health savings account program is pushed by Republicans as a way to give consumers greater responsibility in the marketplace. It's also a way to divert discussion on real healthcare reform.

If Republicans really want consumer responsibility and the free-market to work, let us buy into their sweet healthcare plan. Let us choose from hundreds of plans instead of one or two. I mean, Republicans are "Pro-Life," right?

40 Little Known Facts About CNN Anchor Wolf Blitzer.

1. Wolf Blitzer is made of 70 percent water, 30 percent beard.
2. Wolf Blitzer sneezes with his eyes open.
3. In 2007, Lloyd's of London insured Wold Blitzer's beard for $250,000.
4. Wolf Blitzer was raised by wolves.
5. The carpet matches the curtains.
6. Wolf Blitzer's sense of smell is 100,000 times stronger than Glenn Beck's.
7. Wolf Blitzer's eyesight is weaker than Glenn Beck's.
8. The U.S. has the highest Wolf Blitzer population in the world.
9. Wolf Blitzer can be trained to detect epileptic seizures.
10. It costs more than $10,000 to train Wolf Blitzer to be a search and rescue Wolf Blitzer.
11. In 2002 alone, more people were killed by Wolf Blitzer than by sharks in the last 100 years.
12. Wolf Blitzer is the only CNN anchor mentioned in the Bible.
13. Mange is the number one health problem among Wolf Blitzer.
14. Wolf Blitzer has no sense of time.
15. The largest breed of Wolf Blitzer is the Irish Wolf Blitzer.
16. Wolf Blitzer was originally bred for fighting.
17. The world's smartest Wolf Blitzers are thought to be (1) Wolf Blitzer (2) Wolf Blitzer (3) Wolf Blitzer.
18. Wolf Blitzer judges objects first by their movement, then by their brightness and lastly by their shape.
19. Chocolate contains a substance called theobromine (similar to caffeine) which can kill Wolf Blitzer or at least make him violently ill.
20. Wolf Blitzer's heart beats 120 times per minute, nearly 50 percent faster than an average human.
21. Wolf Blitzer has sweat glands between his fingers.
22. After Wolf Blitzer dies, his beard continues to grow.
23. Wolf Blitzer thinks about attacking every seven seconds.
24. A special property of the equinox allows Wolf Blitzer to do a handstand that day.
25. If we could shrink the Earth's population to a village of precisely 100 people, there would be only one Wolf Blitzer.
26. Wolf Blitzer uses 12 percent of his brain.
27. Leave a window open slightly during a hurricane to equalize Wolf Blitzer.
28. The four kings in a deck of cards represent Charlemagne, David, Caesar and Wolf Blitzer.
29. Wolf Blitzer was born with a beard.
30. Wolf Blitzer's nickname is "Wolf."
31. The term the "dog days of summer" was coined by Wolf Blitzer.
32. Wolf Blitzer's beard print is as unique as a human fingerprint and can be used to identify him.
33. Petting Wolf Blitzer is known to lower blood pressure in hospital patients.
34. A person should never kick Wolf Blitzer. Wolf Blitzer can bite 10 times before a human can respond.
35. Wolf Blitzer's beard has 1,500 pounds of pressure per square inch.
36. Television's Wolf Blitzer was a male.
37. Wolf Blitzer was born completely white, blind and toothless.
38. Wolf Blitzer should be bathed once every two months or as needed.
39. Wolf Blitzer was used by Tibetan monks to guard sacred temples.
40. Wolf Blitzer's beard can sense minute changes in air pressure.

Fact!

Most people named Gary have a criminal record.

Census Bureau Over-Budget as Heavy Counting Begins.

The U.S. Census Bureau, which tabulates the population of the United States every decade, is already over-budget according to some estimates. The census is required every 10 years to assist in redistricting Congressional lines and determining federally funded social services and infrastructure needs.

Here's a look at why the census is over-budget this year:

• New calculators.
• Accidentally counted everybody twice.
• Just when they think they've got everybody counted, somebody dies and they have to start from scratch.
• Some census workers accidentally included kitties in their numbers.
• One guy in Pennsylvania kept screwing up census workers by saying "Twelve, Thirteen, Fourteen" really loudly.
• Census workers were confused by people that looked kind of alike.
• Census workers forgot to count themselves.
• Federal law required switching over to the metric system.

Asteroid "Only Plausible" Reason for Dinosaur Extinction: Report.

A panel of leading scientists concluded recently an asteroid is the "only plausible" explanation for the extinction of dinosaurs 65 million years ago. The panel reviewed more than 20 years of research on several possible reasons for mass extinction.

Here's a look at some extinction theories the panel debunked:

• Dinosaurs died because of universal healthcare.
• Terrorism.
• Dinosaurs were socialists.
• The extinction was caused by gay dinosaurs.
• Dinosaurs hated freedom.
• They weren't Christian.
• Because of illegal immigration.

Bumper Stickers You Never See.

Will 2010 be the Year PB&J Finally Gets in the Sandwich Hall of Fame?

Peanut Butter and Jelly, who fell nine votes short of election by the Veterans Committee to the Sandwich Hall of Fame in 2009, said the process needs to change after the committee failed to elect a new sandwich for the fourth straight year.

The committee, a 64-sandwich panel made up exclusively of uneaten Hall of Fame sandwiches, votes every other year on sandwiches eligible for induction. The Peanut Butter and Jelly, a longtime favorite of kids and adults, led voting with 39 votes or 61 percent. Sandwiches need at least 75 percent of the ballots to be voted into the hall.

"It's a travesty," PB&J said, according to the Chicago Sun-Times. "When I saw nobody got in again, I just thought 'This is wrong.' They can't keep going the way they're going. Nobody's going to get into Reubenstown at this rate."

PB&J was an All First Choice lunch sandwich nine times in its career. It retired in 1974 with 2 pieces of bread, 1 ounce of Strawberry jelly, an average of 1.0 tablespoons of peanut butter and four golden crusts cut off.

Peanut Butter and Jelly critics note the sandwich, though delicious, isn't in the same league as the hamburger or sloppy Joe.

"The hamburger and sloppy joe are dinner sandwiches," sandwich historian Bill James said. "Sure, you can have them at lunch, but people remember the sandwiches they have at dinner. PB&J just never got to the dinner table and that's the knock against it. If it's so great why didn't it win a spot as the main course at dinner?"

PB&J supporters say the sandwich routinely came up clutch in its career as a late-night snack and displayed remarkable versatility with either strawberry or grape jelly. Additionally, the Sandwich Hall of Fame has come under scrutiny for long ignoring the contributions of open faced sandwiches. SHOF voters rejected open faced sandwiches until 2002 when the turkey and gravy open faced sandwich broke the open-faced barrier.

"Look, if the dainty, little cucumber sandwich can get into Reubenstown, why not the PB&J," asked PB&J supporter Trevor Van Briggle, 8. "Both have similar construction with or without crusts and provide the much needed dietary spark in the middle of the day. Yet the PB&J gets snubbed every year."

PB&J said its life will not change if it continues to be denied a place in Reubenstown - but still believes it belongs in the hall.

"Getting in or not getting in isn't going to change my life one bit. I'm going to be me and that's it," PB&J told the Chicago Tribune. "But I feel I deserve this. I put up Hall of Fame numbers in an era when deli meats and cold cuts dominated. And I played my entire career without meat. Only vegetarians can know what that's like. And quite frankly, I'm delicious."

Fact!

Only pornographers, drug dealers and spies use post office boxes.

A Brief Family Tree of Genghis Khan.

Historians believe Genghis Khan was one of the most prolific sires of all time. It's estimated that perhaps 8 percent of the total human population may trace their DNA back to the feared Mongolian leader. Here's a brief look at his family tree:

Genghis Khan, Mongolian warrior

Madeline Khan, 1970s film star.

Chaka Khan, funk singer.

James Khan, actor

Sean Khannery, the original James Bond

Dean Khain, television actor

Marcus Khamby, basketball star.

GRANT MILLER MEDIA ALERT!

Somewhere on Earth at this very moment, Sting is thinking about playing a lute solo.

Fact!

I suffer an overwhelming sense of inadequacy when placing a cucumber in a produce bag at the store.