4.29.2010

Rejected Titles for President George W. Bush's Memoirs.

  • "Mommie Dearest."
  • "Presidentin' for Dummies."
  • "1,001 Delicious and Delectable Deviled Egg Ideas."
  • "Dreams For My Father II: The Vengeance."
  • "My Struggle."
  • "BUSH'D!!!!! A Celebration of President Bush's Wackiest Gags!"
  • "1982: My Year on the Road Following Ronnie Milsap."
  • "Presidentin' - Texas Style!!!"
  • "DISCOVERY: A detailed account of how I finally found Waldo."
  • "Me Talk Pretty One Day."

4.28.2010

Fact!

The downtown Starbucks is way cooler than the one over by the mall.

4.27.2010

Arizona Approves Tougher Immigration Laws.

A new Arizona law makes it illegal to reside, work, visit, think about, imagine, remember, look at or come within 500 feet of America and allows state and local police to arrest anyone they see - including other officers - within American borders. The law - which takes effect in July - is considered the strictest anti-immigration measure in recent history. The following people or groups are advised to report immediately to their ancestral countries of origin before the final process begins:

  • Abkhazian-Americans.
  • Afghan-Americans.
  • Akrotiri or Dhekelia-Americans.
  • Åland Islander-Americans.
  • Albanian-Americans.
  • Algerian-Americans.
  • American Samoans.
  • Andorra, Anguilla, Antigua and Barbudan-Americans.
  • Argentinean-Americans.
  • Armenian-Americans.
  • Aruban-Americans.
  • Ascension Islander-Americans
  • Australian-Americans.
  • Austrian-Americans
  • Azerbaijani-Americans.
  • Bahamian-Americans.
  • Bahraini-Americans.
  • Bangladeshi-Americans.
  • Barbadian-Americans.
  • Belarusian-Americans.
  • Belgian-Americans.
  • Belizean-Americans.
  • Beninese-Americans.
  • Bermudan-Americans.
  • Bhutanese-Americans.
  • Bolivian-Americans.
  • Bosnian and Herzegovinian-Americans.
  • Botswana-Americans.
  • Brazilian-Americans.
  • Bruneian-Americans.
  • Bulgarian-Americans.
  • Burkina Fasoian-Americans.
  • Burundian-Americans.
  • Cambodian-Americans.
  • Cameroonian-Americans.
  • Canadian-Americans.
  • Cape Verdean-Americans.
  • Cayman-Americans.
  • Central African Republican-Americans.
  • Chadian-Americans.
  • Chilean-Americans.
  • Chinese and Taiwanese-Americans.
  • Christmas Islander-Americans.
  • Cocos or Keeling Islander-Americans.
  • Colombian-Americans.
  • Comorian-Americans.
  • Democratic Republic of the Congolese-Americans.
  • Republic of the Congolese-Americans.
  • Cook Islander-Americans.
  • Costa Rican-Americans.
  • Côte d'Ivoirian-Americans.
  • Croatian-Americans.
  • Cuban-Americans.
  • Cypriot-Americans.
  • Czech-Americans.
  • Danish-Americans.
  • Djiboutian-Americans.
  • Dominican-Americans.
  • East Timorese-Americans.
  • Ecuadorian-Americans.
  • Egyptian-Americans.
  • Salvadorian-Americans.
  • Republic of Equatorial Guinean-Americans.
  • Eritrean-Americans.
  • Estonian-Americans.
  • Ethiopian-Americans.
  • Falklander-Americans.
  • Faroe Islander-Americans.
  • Fijian-Americans.
  • Finnish-Americans.
  • French-Americans.
  • French Polynesian-Americans.
  • Gabonese-Americans.
  • Gambian-Americans.
  • Georgian-Americans.
  • German-Americans.
  • Ghanian-Americans.
  • Gibraltarian-Americans.
  • Greek-Americans.
  • Greenlander-Americans.
  • Grenadian-Americans.
  • Guamanian-Americans.
  • Guatemalan-Americans.
  • Guernésiais-Americans.
  • Guinean-Americans.
  • Guinea-Bissauan-Americans.
  • Guyanese-Americans.
  • Haitian-Americans.
  • Honduran-Americans,
  • Hongkonger-Americans.
  • Hungarian-Americans.
  • Icelandic-Americans.
  • Indian-Americans.
  • Indonesian-Americans.
  • Iranian-Americans.
  • Iraqi-Americans.
  • Irish-Americans.
  • Manx-Americans.
  • Israeli-Americans.
  • Italian-Americans.
  • Jamaican-Americans.
  • Japanese-Americans.
  • Jérrais-Americans.
  • Jordanian-Americans.
  • Kazakhstani-Americans.
  • Kenyan-Americans.
  • Kiribati-Americans.
  • North Korean-Americans.
  • South Korean-Americans.
  • The Demilitarized Zone-Americans.
  • Kuwaiti-Americans.
  • Kyrgyzstani-Americans.
  • Laotian-Americans.
  • Latvian-Americans.
  • Lebanese-Americans.
  • Basotho-Americans.
  • Liberian-Americans.
  • Librarians.
  • Libyan-Americans.
  • Liechtensteiner-Americans.
  • Lithuanian-Americans.
  • Luxembourger-Americans.
  • Macanese-Americans.
  • Macedonian-Americans.
  • Malagasy-Americans.
  • Malawian-Americans.
  • Malaysian-Americans.
  • Maldivian-Americans.
  • Malian-Americans.
  • Maltese-Americans.
  • Marshall Islander-Americans.
  • Mauritanian-Americans.
  • Mauritian-Americans.
  • Mahoran-Americans.
  • Mexican-Americans.
  • Micronesian-Americans.
  • Moldovan-Americans.
  • Monacan-Americans.
  • Mongolian-Americans.
  • Montenegrin-Americans.
  • Montserrat-Americans.
  • Moroccan-Americans.
  • Mozambican-Americans.
  • Burmese-Americans.
  • Nagorno-Karabakh Republican-Americans.
  • Namibian-Americans.
  • Nauruan-Americans.
  • Nepali-Americans.
  • Dutch-Americans.
  • Dutch-Antilles-Americans.
  • New Caledonia and its dependencies-Americans.
  • New Zealander-Americans.
  • Nicaraguan-Americans.
  • Nigerien-Americans.
  • Niuean-Americans.
  • Norfolk Islander-Americans.
  • Northern Cyprus-Americans.
  • Northern Mariana Islander-Americans.
  • Norwegian-Americans.
  • Omani-Americans.
  • Pakistani-Americans.
  • Palauan-Americans.
  • Palestinian-Americans.
  • Panamanian-Americans.
  • Papua New Guinean-Americans.
  • Paraguayan-Americans.
  • Peruvian-Americans.
  • Filipino-Americans.
  • Pitcairn Islander-Americans.
  • Polish-Americans.
  • Portuguese-Americans.
  • Puerto Rican-Americans.
  • Qatari-Americans.
  • Romanian-Americans.
  • Russian-Americans.
  • Rwandan-Americans.
  • Sahrawi Arab Democratic Republican-Americans.
  • Saint Barthélemy-Americans.
  • Saint Helenan-Americans.
  • Saint Kitts and Nevis Islander-Americans.
  • Saint Lucian-Americans.
  • Saint Martiner-Americans.
  • Saint Pierre and Miquelon Islander-Americans.
  • Saint Vincent and the Grenadines Islander-Americans.
  • Samoan-Americans.
  • Sammarinese-Americans.
  • São Tomé and Príncipe-Americans.
  • Saudi Arabian-Americans.
  • Senegalese-Americans.
  • Serbian-Americans.
  • Seychellean-Americans.
  • Sierra Leonese-Americans.
  • Singaporan-Americans.
  • Slovakian-Americans.
  • Slovenian-Americans.
  • Solomon Islander-Americans.
  • Somalian-Americans.
  • Somalilander-Americans.
  • South African-Americans.
  • South Ossetian-Americans.
  • Spainish-Americans.
  • Sri Lankan-Americans.
  • Sudanese-Americans.
  • Surinamese-Americans.
  • Svalbardian-Americans.
  • Swazilander-Americans.
  • Swedish-Americans.
  • Swiss-Americans.
  • Syrian-Americans.
  • Tajikistani-Americans.
  • Tanzanian-Americans.
  • Thai-Americans.
  • Togolese-Americans.
  • Tokelauan-Americans.
  • Tongan-Americans.
  • Transnistrian Moldovan Republican-Americans.
  • Trinidad and Tobagoan-Americans.
  • Tristan da Cunhan-Americans.
  • Tunisian-Americans.
  • Turkish-Americans.
  • Turkmenistani-Americans.
  • Turks and Caicos Islander-Americans.
  • Tuvaluan-Americans.
  • Ugandan-Americans.
  • Ukrainian-Americans.
  • Emirati Arabian-Americans.
  • British-Americans.
  • American-Americans.
  • Uruguayan-Americans.
  • Uzbekistani-Americans.
  • Vanuatuan-Americans.
  • Vatican City-Americans.
  • Venezuelan-Americans.
  • Vietnamese-Americans.
  • British Virgin Islander-Americans.
  • United States Virgin Islander-Americans.
  • Wallis and Futuna Islander-Americans.
  • Yemeni-Americans.
  • Zambian-Americans.
  • Zimbabwean-Americans.
  • Disputed zone-Americans.
  • Inaccessible region-Americans.
  • Unrecognized nation-Americans.
  • Secessionist movement-Americans.
  • Freedonian-Americans.
  • Lower Slobovian-Americans.
  • Eurasian-Americans.
  • Gnubian-Americans.
  • Ishtari-Americans.
  • Kabulstani-Americans.
  • Kreplakistani-Americans.
  • Myposean-Americans.
  • Nambutu-Americans.
  • Oceania-Americans.
  • Ozian-Americans.
  • Pathos-Americans.
  • Symbionese-Americans.
  • Arctic-Americans.
  • Antarctic-Americans.
  • Aquatic-Americans.
  • Merman-Americans.
  • Amphibian-Americans
  • International Space Station-Americans.

4.26.2010

Most Americans Don't Trust Government.

According to a new poll from the Pew Research Center, 80 percent of Americans distrust the federal government. Here are some of the reasons why Americans no longer trust government.

  • Government told Americans it would be at the Cineplex for the 9:20 p.m. showing of "Clash of the Titans" and then totally flaked. Didn't call. No text. Nothing.
  • Americans loaned Government $75 for rent last month and then like the very next night, Americans saw Government out at McCabe's totally ordering drinks for everybody.
  • Government never does the dishes and whenever you call Government on it Government's all like "Those aren't mine."
  • After Americans broke up with Linda, Government calls and asks if it's "cool" if he sees her next weekend. And Americans were just like "Do you really want to be that guy, Government? Seriously."
  • Last weekend, Government came over to chill and play cards and then spent the night puking in the bathroom. Real classy, Government. Real classy.
  • Not once has Government offered to pay for gas - not once.
  • Americans told Government a hilarious joke and then Government goes around and says the exact same joke - verbatim - to this waitress like he friggin' came up with the joke himself. Pfft. As if...

4.23.2010

Titles of Adult Videos Accessed By SEC Regulators.

The Securities and Exchange Commission is under fire following reports of regulators routinely accessing pornography Web while overseeing the nation's financial industry. Here's a list obtained by Grant Miller Media of graphic videos downloaded by SEC staffers:
  • "Liquid Assets."
  • "A Very, Very Strong Hold."
  • "Fishnet Income."
  • "Trading - After Hours!"
  • "Irrational Exuberance Vol. 27."
  • "Debbie Does Berkshire Hathaway."
  • "IPO: Initial Pubic Offering."
  • "The Foxy Proxy."
  • "The ATM Machine."
  • "Standard Deviations."
  • "The 10 Bagger."
  • "Topping Out."
  • "The Big SEC Probe."
  • "The AMEXXX."
  • "Asset Play Vol. 32"
  • "Bears and Bulls."
  • "Infidelity Investments."
  • "NASDAQed All Night Long."
  • "Sloppy Secondary Markets."
  • "Milton's Friedman"
  • "The Stimulus Package."

4.20.2010

Rejected "Handy Manny" Titles.

  • "Stop Snitchin'."
  • "Happy Hour."
  • "¡Inmigración! Inmigración! ¡Andale! ¡Andale!"
  • "Birthday Sex."
  • "Handy Manny Gets a Little Too Handy."
  • "I'll Give You My Gun When You Take it From My Cold, Dead Hands."
  • "Handy Manny Loses a Thumb."
  • "Grab Ass."
  • "Handy Manny Scans the Internet for Pictures of Dora The Explorer."
  • "Handy Manny Can't Fix a Broken Heart."
  • "One Guy, One Cup."
  • "The Boy Who Sniffed Carpenter's Glue."
  • "Handy Manscaping."
  • "Handy Manny Finally Wipes That Grin Off Caillou's Fat, Little Face."

4.19.2010

Volcanic Ash Spreads Across Europe

Clouds of volcanic ash spread across much of Europe over the weekend stranding travelers and bringing the continent to a standstill. Here's a look at where the volcanic ash has traveled and damage left in its wake:

  • Italy: Had its picture taken holding up the leaning tower of Pisa. Posted the pictures on Facebook. Was later seen in Venice totally eyeing some of those fine Italian donnas.
  • Spain: Hooked up with a Canadian college student in Madrid. Promised to text her when he got to Switzerland but never did.
  • Germany: Got wasted in Munich and started yodeling with some guys in lederhosen - was HIGHLARIOUS!!!!!
  • Holland: Spent a day just hanging out in Amsterdam "coffee shops." Got totally blazed!!!!
  • France: Couldn't get close to the Mona Lisa because of the crowd, but got some pictures in the Louvre. Then went and saw where they filmed that one scene from "The Bourne Ultimatum."
  • London: Complained English beer is warm. Did that pose from "Abbey Road" where the Beatles are walking across the street. Got totally delayed at Heathrow. Sucks, man.

Next Week in Grant Miller Media

Here are the stories we're already planning for next week at Grant Miller Media:

  • The 10 Hottest Summer Fashions!
  • Look What Lady Gaga's Done Now!!!!
  • 5 Tips to Look Younger NOW!
  • 17 Bad Skin Habits to Break Before Summer!
  • What Does He Tell His Friends That He Isn't Telling You?
  • Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow: A Step by Step Guide to Taming the Frizzies!
  • One Woman's Incredible Journey to Bring Glamour to Darfur.
  • His Secret Sex Language: What He Says...And What He Really Means!
  • OMG! Justin! Justin! Justin! (You'll just have to read it to find out!!!)

4.15.2010

Poll Finds Tea Party Backers Wealthier, More Educated.

A recent New York Times Poll shows supporters of the conservative Tea Party movement are wealthier and better educated than the general public. Here's a look at other numbers found in the poll:

  • A majority (94 percent) are whiter than the general public. Of those, more than half consider themselves "really white" or "extremely white."
  • They are more likely to suffer from a medical condition called "itchy trigger finger" syndrome.
  • Americans who identify themselves as Tea Party supporters are three times more inclined to yell when speaking.
  • They are also eight times more likely to keep their caps lock button on at all times.
  • A majority (87 percent) believe you are wrong!
  • A stunning 100 percent of Tea Party supporters know what's best for the country they love.

Legally Accepted Reasons to Request a Tax Extension.

The following is a list of legally accepted reasons to request a tax extension from the IRS:

  • Just "plumb forgot."
  • A doctor's note excusing you from any strenuous filling out of forms.
  • Couldn't use solar-powered calculator while living in cave.
  • Asking nicely.
  • Too busy filing out census.
  • Just not feelin' it.
  • You are Wesley Snipes.
  • Lost your tax forms when you burnt down your house for insurance.
  • You're not a "numbers" person.
  • In the process of moving all of your taxable assets to offshore accounts.

4.14.2010

Suggested Titles for Movies if the Main Character is Named 'Tim.'

  • "The Timpire Strikes Back."
  • "The Last Timptation of Christ."
  • "The Timinator."
  • "Tim in Wonderland."
  • "Tim-E."
  • "Timdog Millionaire"
  • "Tim Dog and Glory."
  • "Tim's Island."
  • "Timformers"
  • "E.T. - The Extra Tim."
  • "Tim!"
  • "Brokeback Mountim."
  • "The Royal Timenbaums."
  • "Kill Tim: Vol 1."
  • "Kill Tim: Vol. 2."
  • "Tim Brockovich"
  • "Tim X."
  • "T*I*M"
  • "Dirty Tim"
  • "Timmy."

4.13.2010

Obama Calls for Tighter Controls on Nukes.

More than 40 world leaders are in Washington this week to discuss nuclear proliferation and security. Today, President Obama urged leaders to gain greater control of nuclear arsenals. In particular, the President said nuclear weapons must be kept out of the hands of the following:

  • Terrorists.
  • Mad scientists.
  • Reclusive billionaires hell-bent on destruction.
  • The re-animated corpses of Adolph Hitler, Joseph Stalin and Ted Williams.
  • Inept but lovable bands of high school nerds.
  • Hyperintelligent and emotionless computers.
  • Jilted lovers.
  • Remote island laboratories where scientists push evolutionary boundaries by genetically recreating a species of intelligent and blood-thirsty dinosaurs.

4.09.2010

Fare Thee Well, Gentle Friend.

Grant Miller Media is sad to learn of the recent passing of that one guy from "Dynasty" who we just assumed died years ago anyway.


You will not be forgotten...

4.07.2010

Scientists Discover Heavy New Element.

Russian and American scientists on Wednesday announced the discovery of a new element believed to be the heaviest matter ever produced. The as-yet unnamed element could be the first in a series of massive new elements with completely unknown chemical properties.

Here's a graph depicting how the new element compares with other heavy matter:

Fact!

The most common word in the English language is "Lobsterfest."

4.05.2010

BREAKING NEWS: No Celebrities Injured in 7.2 Earthquake.

No Hollywood celebrities were injured when a 7.2 earthquake rocked portions of Southern California on Sunday afternoon.


The epicenter was located near the Mexican border east of San Diego - roughly 250 miles from Beverly Hills and most Hollywood celebrities.

Only two fatalities have been reported and neither were considered celebrities or even mildly glamorous. Grant Miller Media could not confirm reports the deceased were related to the sultry and sexy Selma Hayek.

There were conflicting rumors veteran actor Tommy Lee Jones was filming a character-driven, modern-day western near the quake's epicenter. The Academy Award winning actor's agent however said he is safe and in good spirits.

It's believed Sunday's quake may have caused "Twilight" super-hunk Robert Pattinson to briefly display emotion. Hollywood wags said the young English actor raised an eyebrow and asked members of his entourage "if they felt that."

Johnny Depp is believed to have briefly suffered from quake-induced "bad vibes."

Emergency officials in Hollywood fielded hundreds of calls from panicked celebrities following Sunday's quake. FEMA is investigating reports of spilled cocktails and tranquil endless pools momentarily upset by waves caused by the quake. The Humane Society also is addressing celebrity purse-sized poodles showing signs of post-traumatic stress disorder.

There is one good story from Sunday's quake to give survivors hope - Tuesday's release of "Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami: Season One" on Blu-Ray and DVD.