Daley Blames Lakefront Violence on Chicago Suburbanites.

Chicago Mayor Richard M. Daley on Thursday blamed suburbanites for a spate of recent violence on the city's lakefront beaches. Grant Miller Media has obtained these surveillance photos of the suburbanites in question:

This is the alleged getaway vehicle.

Several croquet mallets were found at the scene.

The attackers allegedly flashed TJ Maxx apparel.

Some got away on their luxury yacht.

Others were spotted at an inner-suburban Home Depot.

Lordy, Lordy Look Who's Not REVEALING HER BIRTH CERTIFICATE!!!!

As many of you know, I am a great PATRIOT. Like all great PATRIOTS, I love MY COUNTRY. And like all great PATRIOTS, I am REQUIRED to RANDOMLY capitalize words!!! It's also VERY IMPORTANT to end sentences with SEVERAL exclamation MARKS!!!!

But I am WRITING to YOU, my fellow AMERICANS, on a different TOPIC.

MY WIFE is celebrating a birthday this weekend. She CLAIMS it's her 40TH birthday!!! But when asked FOR PROOF of her birthday SHE AVOIDS THE QUESTION!!!!

SHE CLAIMS she was born in MAY 1970 on an AIR FORCE BASE in NORTH DAKOTA!!!! BUT HOW DO I KNOW FOR SURE????

She CLAIMS she has no memory of her BIRTH!!!! You WOULD THINK she would REMEMBER such an IMPORTANT EVENT!!!! And THE ONLY TWO witnesses to her "BIRTH" are her PARENTS!!! HOW CONVENIENT!!!!

AND according to HER "PARENTS," the family MOVED shortly after my wife's "BIRTH!!!" Sounds like SOMEONE was on the RUN from THE LAW!!!! SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW what COUNTY she was "BORN" in!!!!

CAN YOU BELIEVE in the 15 years I've known MY WIFE she's NEVER SHOWN me HER BIRTH CERTIFICATE???? What is she TRYING TO HIDE??? She's NEVER even LET me INSPECT her DRIVER'S LICENSE or PASSPORT!!! WHAT is she TRYING TO HIDE???

The FACT IS without her BIRTH CERTIFICATE I don't even know how old she is or what day SHE WAS "BORN!!!" At this point I'm just taking HER WORD FOR IT!!!! Not one person ALIVE TODAY - with the exception of her "PARENTS" - has come forward to say he was was PRESENT at MY WIFE'S "birth."

Why does she expect me to believe these LIES???? She doesn't even LOOK 40!!!! She looks barely a DAY OVER 22 - yet she maintains this CHARADE in an effort TO RECEIVE GIFTS AND drag me to see "SEX AND THE CITY 2!!!!"

Please join me, MY FELLOW AMERICANS, in demanding my WIFE make her BIRTH CERTIFICATE PUBLIC to ME!!!!

BP Oil Spill: Regulators Watched Porn, Used Meth.

The U.S. Interior Department issued a report Tuesday noting regulators overseeing BP's Deep Horizon oil rig routinely viewed porn and used meth while on the job. Here is a partial list obtained by Grant Miller Media of explicit films regulators viewed on the job.

• "Hard Drilling Vol. 8"
• "Drillin' Holes and Spewing Poles Vol. 37."
• "Drill Me, Baby, Drill Me!"
• "Big Rigs Drillin' DEEP."
• "Gushing Rigs Vol. 23."
• "Fast and the Curious."
• "Pluggin' Gushers."
• "Goin' Deep 'n' Getting Drilled Vol. 14."
• "Crude and Rude Vol. 35."
• "Heavy Petrol."
• "Fuel My Rig Harder!!!!!"
• "Crude Imports"
• "Black Gold and Texas Tea Bagged, Vol 4."

South Korea Blasts Western Music Into North Korea

South Korea blared propaganda and Western music into North Korea on Tuesday as tensions continue to rise following last month's sinking of a South Korean warship. Here's a look at other tactics South Korea is using:

• Keeping the lights on even when South Korea knows North Korea is trying to sleep.
• Eating North Korea's food from the fridge even when it's clearly marked "NORTH KOREA."
• Never changing the toilet paper.
• "Borrowing" North Korea's clothes without even asking.
• Farting while North Korea is trying to eat.
• South Korea always - always - uses all the hot water even when North Korea is late for work.
• South Korea knocks on the door - and keeps knocking - when North Korea is having some "alone time." Take a hint, South Korea...
• South Korea spends like four hours a day trying - badly - to play the solo to "Cinnamon Girl." And it's just like enough already, South Korea. Move on to the next song for chrissakes.
• South Korea just never friggin' leaves. North Korea will go out, go to work, come home and South Korea is still there. It's like don't you ever get out of the house, South Korea?
• And hey South Korea - could you once just vacuum after clipping your gnarly toe nails? Is that too much to ask, South Korea???

Practical Haikus

Permanently Erase Your Computer's Hard Drive

By Grant Miller, Poet.

First, unscrew some parts.

Then remove the CPU.

What are you hiding?

How to hold a snake.

By Grant Miller, Poet.

Get someone to help.

A snake dude - you know the type.

Like with tats and stuff.

How to prune heirloom tomatoes.

By Grant Miller, Poet.

Um. I dunno. I

just buy them at the Jewels.

Martha Stewart sucks.

How to create an awesome exercise music playlist.

By Grant Miller, Poet.

Oh. You need that song

That goes "Doof Doof doof doof doof."

It's like disco-y.

U.S. Spy Chief Resigns.

U.S. Intelligence Chief Dennis Blair announced his resignation as the country's spy chief last week after 16-months on the job. Here's a look at his possible successors:

James Clapper, Undersecretary of Defense for Intelligence.

The mysterious woman beneath the bridge.

The man in the gabardine suit.

A mad scientist bent on creating a race of master robots.

Dastardly Whiplash.

Jaws.

An old-timey movie guy with fake moustache.

For Your Peace of Mind.

Grant Miller Media values your privacy and will never sell or rent your information to third parties.*

*Grant Miller Media will sell, share or give away your information to first, second, fourth, fifth, sixth and seventh parties.

BP Begins Transmitting Live Oil Spill Cam

BP on Thursday began transmitting an underwater camera showing oil gushing out of the Deepwater Horizon well and into the Gulf of Mexico. The cam can be found on the website for the Select Committee for Energy Independence and Global Warming. Grant Miller Media warns readers not to be fooled by the following websites claiming to have live images of the spill:

• blackpipe.net
• gushingholes.com
• oiledbottoms.org
• drilleddeepcams.net
• bpdp.com
• leakypipe.net

Food Network Chef Arrested in Murder-for-Hire Plot.

Police charged former Food Network host Juan-Carlos Cruz for allegedly asking three homeless men to murder his wife. Cruz hosted Food Network's "Calorie Commando" beginning in 2004. Cruz is not the first Food Network host to run afoul of the law:

• 2008: Rachel Ray was charged with plotting to blow up the Statue of Liberty after she was found in possession of 20-tons of weapons-grade perkiness.
• 2007: Emeril Lagasse was charged with Emeril Lagassing in public.
• 2006: Giada De Laurentiis was sentenced to 15 months in federal prison after she was caught transporting an artichoke across state lines for immoral purposes.
• 2006: Jamie Oliver was charged with possessing explicit photos of an underaged Gouda.
• 2005: Bobby Flay was fined $600,000 by the FDA for grilling sausages made of "reptiles, amphibians and traces of human spleen."
• 2004: Wolfgang Puck violated his parole by affiliating with known Wolfgang bangers.

Fact!

The British Petroleum oil spill would be a lot more savory and delicious if it was the Italian Petroleum oil spill instead.

Tips for Opting Out of Facebook's Instant Personalization Platform.

Last month, Facebook announced changes to its extensive privacy policy and began an Instant Personalization, allowing users to access the social networking site from almost anywhere online. But the changes brought a flurry of criticism and left many users wanting to opt out of the program.

Here are a few simple steps to protect your Facebook privacy:

1. Use Friendster. Instead of using Facebook, convince all your friends to go back to the days of President Bush, The Strokes, "Matrix Reloaded" and "Queer Eye" and join you on Friendster. While there, you can catch up with old friends and update your profile which still reads you're IN LOVE with the Norah Jones album.
2. Simply follow the "Opt Out" guidelines. Facebook makes it easy for users to maintain their privacy. All you need to do, is click "Opt Out" on the settings page, review the accompanying terms of service document, sign it and have it notarized and witnessed by at least three legal adults and return it to Facebook via certified mail. Don't forget to include photocopies of your driver's license, Social Security card, birth certificate, pictures of your family, utility bills for the last two months, proof of purchase, blood, urine and hair samples, a signed essay of no less than 1,500 words divulging your deepest and darkest perversions, passwords, account numbers, routing numbers, credit card security code, a receipt indicating you've installed a round-the-clock security camera in your bedroom and a self-addressed stamped envelope.
3. Pray. Never underestimate the power of prayer.
4. Be careful what websites you visit. Accepting the new privacy policy allows Facebook to follow which web sites you visit regularly. That means Mark Zuckerberg has seen what you do on Chatroulette.
5. Tweet about it. Because there is no form of protest more effective than the Tweet.
6. Trust Facebook. It's the Internet - what could possibly go wrong?

Elena Kagan's Sexuality is Irrelevant, But...

Ever since Elena Kagan was nominated for the Supreme Court, questions about her personal life have persisted. Kagan, 50, has never married. Social conservatives believe this fact alone indicates Kagan is a lesbian.

Her sexuality is completely irrelevant to her job. Besides the rumors are entirely unfounded.

Kagan never married because no man could tame her - I should know...

I don't want to get into the details but let's just say, she really knows how to pound the gavel, if you know what I mean. I'm not one to kiss and tell but I did some major pro bono work for her. If you catch what I'm saying...

Let's be blunt - I'd let Elena Kagan sit on my judicial branch for life - you dig? And not to brag, but she often told me I was very well arraigned...and I'm not talking about my legal briefs either....

One time, I gave her my deposition over and over again - she couldn't get enough. She even pleaded for my conditional discharge. That's what she was into, legally speaking. And not to be coy but I'd habeas her corpus anytime...

I don't want to go into details about what went on between us, but let's just say there was always a hung jury in her courtroom - if you know what I mean. Amazingly, we never had to review a paternity suit - not that we didn't try.

I'm not going to say any more - but if Elena Kagan were charged with being a minx let's just say I'd find her guilty!

2010 Lollapalooza to Expand, Allow for More Hipsters.

The Chicago Park District announced Tuesday it will expand the Lollapalooza festival area by 35 acres, providing space for an additional 60,000 fans. Daily attendance at the annual three-day music festival tops out at 75,000. The added space will allow for an extra 20,000 tickets to be sold per day.

Park district officials estimate the added space will provide enough tickets for:

• 6,000 more hipsters.
• 20 additional guys wearing Cat in the Hat hats.
• 35 extra members of The Polyphonic Spree.
• 8,000 more hipsters who hate other hipsters.
• 200 additional cool guys.
• 80 extra girls going wild.
• 10 guys also going wild.
• 4,500 more emos.
• 1,800 additional goths.
• 900 extra juggalos
• 3,500 more posers.
• 4,200 additional scensters.
• 2,800 extra indie rock bloggers.
• 5 more totally obvious undercover cops.
• 2 additional guys that know way too much about Soundgarden.
• 15 extra guys complaining about how corporate Lollapalooza has become.
• 50 more bassists with awesome hair.
• 150 additional women who only smoke clove cigarettes.
• 400 extra guys that look exactly like the guys from Social Distortion.

Gordon Brown Resigns as Prime Minister.

UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown announced his resignation today after his Labour Party lost last week's election. The British election process is quite different from the U.S.

For example one U.S. vote is equal to 2.54 British votes because the UK uses the metric system for counting "tallies" - the British word for ballots. In last week's "vote-casting," Brown received 8.6 million British votes or roughly 21.8 million American votes.

Brown's opponent, the Honourable Lord David Cameron of Peasemore on Berkshire, received 10.6 million British votes or 26.9 million in American votes.

Although the Honourable Lord David Cameron of Peasemore on Berkshire's Conservative Party received more tallies, it was well short of the 326 Parliament seats needed for a clear majority resulting in a particularly well hung parliament.

Although a largely hung parliament would appear to have many benefits - it's not always the case.

Hung parliaments often force political insiders and lobbyists to grease the palms of lawmakers before they can insert their issues into the public discourse. These backdoor deals taint the entire political system.

Nonetheless, a hung parliament must slowly ease issues into the public arena before any crucial legislation can pass. If the hung parliament moves too fast it could tear or permanently damage the delicate area between the parties involved. This also taints the political system.

Additionally, it's important to note the British hung parliament is totally bicameral.

Neanderthal Pick-Up Lines.

Last week scientists learned Neanderthals likely mated with early humans and their DNA carries on even today. Here's a look at pick-up lines Neanderthals are believed to have used on early humans:

• Is that a club in your fur or are you just happy to see me?
• Once you go Neanderthal you never go back.
• Do you come to this cave often?
• That saber-toothed tiger hide really shows off your fur-covered legs.
• You know, if you stick with me I can introduce you to those Geico cavemen...
• I bet in 80,000 years we'll have great looking offspring.
• You hot, like fire.
• Me hung like mastodon.
• You know, my forehead isn't the only thing that's ridged.
• I used to date Madonna.

Grant Miller Media Fact Box: Elena Kagan.

Name: Elena Kagan.

Favorite Breakfast Meat: Bacon.

Favorite European Capital: Copenhagen.

Favorite Member of Steely Dan: Donald Fagen.

Favorite French Impressionist: Paul Gauguin.

Favorite "Godfather" Character: Tom Hagen.

Favorite Former CNN Anchor: Daryn Kagan.

Favorite River in Southwest Sweden: Lagan.

Favorite Spelling for the Girls' Name Megan: Maegan.

Favorite Former Mayor of New Orleans: Ray Nagin.

Favorite Religion: Pagan.

Favorite 1980s President: Ronald Reagan.

Favorite Astronomer: Carl Sagan.

Favorite Town in Western Kyrgystan: Tagan.

Favorite Diet: Vegan.

Favorite Mode of Transportation: Wagon.

A Mother's Day Announcement from Grant Miller Media.

Dear Readers,

Grant Miller Media extends its happiest Mother's Day wishes to all mothers. Especially, Angelina Jolie.

Sincerely,

Grant Miller, Esq.

Tips for Protecting Your Identity.

There were nearly 10 million reported cases of identity theft last year in the U.S. Though most Americans have taken precautions to limit potential damages, here's a list of tips to protect you from becoming an identity theft victim:

• Limit your contact with people. It's impossible to tell when your identity might be at risk. That's why you should avoid all human contact. Become a hermit and never leave the house until your decomposed body is found surrounded by cat feces and stacks of old newspapers.
• Wear a ski mask. Sometimes the simplest solution works best - in this case a simple ski mask will keep identity thieves guessing about who you really are. If a ski mask is too cumbersome, consider a fake a moustache and using a foreign accent when you speak. These are cheap and simple ways to keep your personal information safe.
• Watch your credit closely. Identity theft victims often suffer damaged credit histories that can take months or years to repair. But if you have a horrible credit history to begin with this won't be a problem. Take a few minutes to run up enormous debt on all of your credit cards. Sign up for new credit cards and immediately default on payments. Write checks for money you could never possibly have. Once a identity thief strikes, he'll be in for a BIG surprise.
• Monitor your family, friends and loved ones. Sometimes the people we least expect are the ones that hurt us most. That's why it's vital you strike first by adopting the identity of a close friend, neighbor or loved one. Then, if an identity thief gets your personal information it won't really be yours - it will be your friend's.
• Get shredding. Invest in a good paper shredder and use it to discard any personal information such as old bills, credit card statements, pictures of ex-girlfriends that never return your calls or e-mails and then have the audacity - THE NERVE! - to take you to court and get a restraining order, insurance documents or old tax forms.
• Get a cool nickname. Anyone can find your name in the phonebook or online. But if you have a cool nickname you're already a step ahead of identity thieves. For example, my legal name is Grant Miller, but everyone who actually knows me calls me "Silky Slim." So when someone calls me by my legal name I immediately suspect he is an identity thief.

What Police Know About the Car Used in the Failed Times Square Bombing.

Police are scouring Faisal Shahzad's 1993 Nissan Pathfinder allegedly used in Saturday's failed Times Square car bombing. Here's what they've learned so far:

• Shahzad paid $1,300 for the car last month.
• It's blue.
• Has anti-lock breaks.
• Air conditioning.
• Bucket seats.
• Rear window defrost and wiper.
• Power steering.
• Cruise control.
• Power locks and windows.
• It is unbelievably clean.
• It is an extremely good value that will not last.
• Looks and drives well.
• Interior still looks new!
• Non-smoking owner.
• Hurry in today for a test drive.
• Price excludes tax, title and doc fees.

The TRUTH Behind the Failed Times Square Car Bombing.

By now, you've read about Saturday's failed car bombing attempt in Times Square. You've seen footage of the 1993 Nissan Pathfinder driving down a crowded 45th Street or grainy film of a white male changing his shirt footsteps from where the bomb was to explode.

But the one thing you haven't seen, heard or read is THE TRUTH. That's because the MAINSTREAM MEDIA has too much at stake to reveal what really happened. Or what didn't really happen as the case may be.

Here is the real story - THE TRUTH - about the failed 5/1 attack. Or non-attack.

• It was an inside job: Only the highest levels of the federal government have the money required to buy, maintain and operate such a high tech killing machine like a 1993 Nissan Pathfinder. And look at the stock market - in the weeks and months preceding the 5/1 non-attack, Toyota's stock has dropped nearly 25 percent all because our corporate overlords were hedging their bets on the 1993 Nissan Pathfinder. Don't buy what the government is selling - the 1993 Nissan Pathfinder didn't not explode on its own!
• No Smoking Gun: There is no proof - aside from eyewitness accounts from the T-shirt vendor, police, HAZMAT teams, assembled onlookers, numerous surveillance cameras, network news teams and anyone watching TV Saturday night - that the 1993 Nissan Pathfinder was even in TIMES SQUARE!!! No proof at all except for the accounts of those listed.
• No Black Box: Even though federal and local agents immediately impounded the 1993 Nissan, no black box was ever found. Or if it was - the government is denying its existence as a political favor to the all-powerful Used Auto lobby.
• Israeli Involvement: If you notice, no Jewish or Israeli-Americans were in the 1993 Nissan Pathfinder when it was discovered smoking and illegally parked Saturday night near Times Square. That's because Mossad agents working in concert with the CIA, NSA, AT&T and the Daughters of the American Revolution warned them to not get in the used SUV.