A Clarification.

Dear Readers,

It was reported today one of the 11 Russian spies arrested this week on the East Coast was both "beautiful" and "sexy" and lead a normal "suburban life."

Although I clearly fit the above description, I can assure you I am not a spy...for Russia.

Sincerely,

Grant Miller, Esq.

An Open Letter to LeBron James.

Dear Mr. James,

Welcome to Chicago.

Since you're new here, you'll want to get acquainted with the city before the NBA season starts. Look to me as your guide in the City of Big Shoulders.

Quite frankly, no one knows Chicago like me. I've lived kind of near it my entire life and in those 28 years I've gotten to know several of its streets and neighborhoods. Chicago - like me - is a tough, gritty city that works hard and plays hard.

But it's the people that make Chicago special. The valets, the coat checkers or cleaning women - these are the Chicagoans I know and love.

Here's my list of places that are absolutely, Authentic Chicago. Enjoy:

1. The Rainforest Cafe: Nothing says "Chicago" quite like the Rainforest Cafe. Specifically the one at Woodfield Mall in Schaumburg. Whether it's the simulated thunderstorms or the safari-themed waitstaff - you'll think you slipped into a Nelson Algren novel in no time.
2. Pizzeria Uno Chicago Bar & Grill: Chicagoans love deep dish pizza and what better place to experience authentic local flavor than where it was invented - the Pizzeria Uno Chicago Bar & Grill in Lombard. You may recognize this location from the "Hill Street Blues" opening sequence. That hit show - which turned local boy Daniel J. Travanti into a megastar - was filmed throughout the Chicago neighborhood of Lombard.
3. The Streets of Woodfield: Growing up, my parents took me here every weekend. Back then it was filled with immigrants selling their traditional wares and ethnic foods. The sounds of the blues, gospel and even Polish folk music filled the air. You may recognize it from the "Blues Brothers." A lot has changed but it's still a great place to get a pair of tan chinos, a polo shirt or catch the latest movies.

I could go on but hopefully you'll discover some real Chicago places of your own like I have.

Sincerely,

Grant Miller, Esq.

15 Little Known Facts About "The Twilight Saga: Eclipse."

1. To prepare for his role as werewolf Jacob Black, actor Taylor Lautner ate nothing but Alpo for a month.
2. The film series is based on popular books by J.K. Rowling, "The Lord of the Rings."
3. Robert Pattinson's character, vampire Edward Cullen, was loosely based on a young Al Gore.
4. Rumors have swirled for years that "Twilight" star Kristen Stewart is the daughter of home decor guru Martha Stewart. However, there is no connection between the two except for the mutual respect and admiration all entertainers feel for one another.
5. In addition to their aversion to garlic, most vampires also are lactose intolerant.
6. "Twilight" was originally titled "Early Evening."
7. It's a widely known secret in Hollywood that Robert Pattinson wears a toupée.
8. Keeping with the previous "Twilight" movies, "Eclipse" ends with a hilarious montage of bloopers and wisecracks as the credits roll.
9. TV heartthrob Bert Convy was originally cast in the role as Edward Cullen.
10. Family Fun Weekend kicks off Farmer Boys grand re-opening June 25th through June 27th in Moreno Valley. Everyone is invited to the celebration!
11. Early drafts of the script show the main characters as dentists, not cool-looking vampires and werewolves.
12. Shortly before his death, noted screen actor Burgess Meredith acknowledged "Twilight" as his favorite film.
13. Hollywood insiders believe some merchandising and corporate tie-ins may accompany the film's release.
14. Werewolves that live together long enough are known to synchronize their howling.
15. Lautner is romantically linked to another famous Taylor - singing sensation Taylor Swift. But did you know that long before the couple met, Lautner named his dog "Swift" and Swift named her cat "Lautner."

My Family's Shame.

I love my family. But everyday, I know something is wrong.

It started a few years ago when we purchased my daughter her first Barbie doll. We bought some outfits, a car and a townhouse, too. But somewhere along the line, something changed with Barbie. She began collecting items from other dolls - dishes, shoes, furniture and even food - anything she could get her little rubber hands on.

Pretty soon, Barbie's townhouse was filled with clutter and items from other dolls. She had crossed the line from a collector to a hoarder.

Barbie lives alone in her three-story, one bedroom townhome. Despite this, she owns four beds including a giant canopy that doesn't even fit in her house. She's also amassed five cars despite no discernible income since moving her veterinary practice into her home.

Her living room is littered with broken bedroom sets, table lamps, chairs, candelabras, princess wands and several unmatched shoes. A half eaten pizza sits near the front door and a box of ice cream is clearly visible beneath one of her three couches. Clothes are strewn throughout the house and even outside near her cars.

Barbie's kitchen rarely is used for its intended purpose - a chaise lounge blocks the entrance and the floor is covered with uneaten food and dishes. A clawfoot bathtub sits just outside where Barbie bathes for hours. The washer and dryer remain empty as clothes pile everywhere. The sink is free of dishes as Barbie almost never puts away her dishes. And a fully trimmed turkey sits untouched in the oven.

Kelly, Barbie's sister, hasn't ventured inside for months. They typically play outside at their shared swingset or meet for cotton candy next door. Barbie's boyfriend, Ken, isn't aware of Barbie's hoarding, as the two are no longer speaking. Instead, he spends his days naked in bed in the couple's RV camper.

It appears Barbie's extreme hoarding has already cost her lifelong dream of being a World Peace Ambassador/Life Guard/Astronaut/Ballerina.

Very Dull Children's Books.

• "The Anonymous Giving Tree."
• "Where the Sidewalk Descends Slightly."
• "The Very Contented Caterpillar."
• "Goodnight Allan Bloom."
• "Egg Whites and Whole Grain Toast."
• "Tweed."
• "Where the Insurance Agents Are."
• "Oh, the Places You'll Go by Bus."
• "How The Grinch Stole Flag Day."
• "Are You My Maternal Cousin Twice Removed?"
• "Clifford, the Perfectly Normal Golden Retriever."
• "Charlie and the Brake Pad Factory."
• "James and the Irregular Sized Tan Chinos."
• "Anne of Schaumburg."

Lesser Known Porn Stars.

• Danny Aiellomygod.
• Bud Abutt.
• Richard Dean Andersin.
• Scott Gotbakula
• Alec Baldweiner
• Wilford Rimley
• Warren Booty.
• Firmest Borgnine.
• Steve Blewcemi.
• Carroll O'O'O'O'O'Connor.
• David Caruso.
• Dabney Holeman.
• Dillis Philler.
• Sandy Badonkaduncan.
• Clint Beastwood.
• Peter Falk.
• Lou Ferrignomeansyes.
• Denise Franz.
• Elliott Goold.
• Jock Klugman.
• Matthew McConhauwhoha.
• Joe Mantangya.
• Bette Fidler.
• Fugly Moore.
• Oliver Splatt.
• Stanley Tuccme.

An Open Letter to My Dad.

Dear Dad,

I know it's been years since we last spoke, but hardly a day passes without thoughts of you filling my mind. You taught me so much a shaped the man I am today.

Quite simply, I love you, dad.

I love the way you talk - I could listen to your voice for hours. Admittedly, sometimes I can't hear your words as I am so lost in your deep, blue eyes. Those full, pouting lips move but your words simply melt into the far reaches of my heart.

Oh God, how I love you, dad.

You have such strong cheek bones, dad. It's as if they were carved by God himself they are so perfect. And those muscular arms and hirsute, chiseled torso. It's not always easy for me to say this dad, but I really love you.

I loved when we went camping and got lost and had to build a tent on our own. As we huddled to stay warm I truly felt a love for you like none other. God, I love you dad. Or the next morning when we bathed in that icy, mountain stream. These are memories I can never forget.

I love you so bad, dad.

Sincerely,

Grant

Practical Haikus.

How to Put an eBook on an iPad.

By Grant Miller, Poet.

Um, how about you

eAsk someone who iCares,

...know it all, show off.

How to Get Something Notarized.

By Grant Miller, Poet.

Take it to a bank.

Or an insurance office.

They'll do it for free.

How to cope with having a younger or less experienced boss.

By Grant Miller, Poet

Dye your hair and grow

a 'stache. Aviator shades.

You should work out more.

How to Open Your Spiritual Chakras.

By Grant Miller, Poet.

How to open what?

Chakras? Huh? Who's a chakras?

You smoke too much pot.

Bumper Stickers You Never See.

Nicknames for Sarah Palin's New Breasts.

• Sarah's Palins.
• The Denalis.
• The Nome Domes.
• The Igloos.
• The You Betcha's
• The Klondikes.
• The Best of America.
• The Prude 'Hoes.
• The Exxon Val Double-DDs.
• The Ketchi-Cans.
• The Mammilla from Wasilla.
• The Sled Puppies.
• Seward's Follies.

How to Get That Perfect Beach Body in Time for Summer

Your bathing suit debut is right around the corner and if you're not ready to show some skin, don't worry. Just follow these simple steps and you'll be turning heads at the beach all summer long!

1. Suck in your tummy a lot. Beaches are filled with buff bodies and six-pack abs. But if you don't have either, just suck in your tummy. No one will notice your flab. Easy as can be.
2. Wear a t-shirt. If no one can see your moobs they'll never know you're a fatty. If possible, wear a pinstriped t-shirt as stripes are slimming.
3. Lie. Tell people you've put on weight for a summer stock production of "Fat Albert."
4. Just stay home. When friends ask to go to the beach tell them you're busy working out when you're actually home alone on the couch eating Fluff from a jar and watching Sally Jesse repeats.
5. Wear your swimsuit really high. By wearing your swimsuit really high it will help cover your enormous belly but it may leave your thunder thighs exposed.

Grant Miller Media Gossip Bombshell!!!! That's Not Jesse James' Baby!!!!

Just when you thought things couldn't get any stranger between Hollywood A-Lister Sandra Bullock and ex-husband Jesse James, Grant Miller Media has learned Jesse may not be the father of the couple's 5-month old son!!!!

Grant Miller Media has it on very good authority that the tattooed Lothario is not baby Louis' father nor was Jesse even present for the child's birth!!!

Although it was reported the couple split due to James' infidelity, this new twist shows it takes two to tango!!! In case you didn't know, the couple broke up soon after the baby was born. Could it be Jesse learned he wasn't the father and decided to bolt???

And it sounds like the stork is ready to make another visit to sexy single mom Sandra - just a couple months after kicking Jesse to the curb!!!! You do the math, but it sounds like Sandra was getting a little something on her blind side!!!!

Stick with Grant Miller Media for coverage of your favorite celebrities! Follow Grant Miller Media on Twitter and Facebook!

Oil Spill Could Impact Hurricane Season.

The BP oil spill could make for a catastrophic hurricane season according to new research. Unless it is stopped soon, scientists believe the oil spill could:

• Flood New Orleans, break levees and destroy much of the city.
• Cover Port-au-Prince, Haiti, and slow relief efforts from January's earthquake.
• Move up the East Coast and crash into the Pentagon.
• Ooze into World Trade Center site in New York City.
• Detonate a car bomb in Times Square.
• Move north and melt the Greenland ice sheet causing the oceans to rise dramatically.
• Surround the Iceland volcano and spew hot oil miles into the atmosphere and bring European travel to a standstill.
• Flow into the Mediterranean, through the Aegean, into the Dardanelles and the Black Sea and onto the Ukraine where it will encounter the remnants of the Chernobyl disaster and unleash untold amounts of radioactive material into the air.
• Cover much of Israel, the Gaza Strip and West Bank and finally bring peace to the Middle East.
• Ease down to South Africa and dominate at the 2010 World Cup.
• Unlock the genetic code for a breed of super sharks that can walk on land.
• Grow into a tsunami of oil, water and super sharks that buries portions of Southeast Asia.

Practical Haikus

8 Steps for Recognizing and Treating a Concussion.

By Grant Miller, Poet.

Oh. My. God. There's BLOOD!

Somebody call 911!

Please don't die, Grandma!

Tips for Taking Amazing Beach Photos.

By Grant Miller, Poet.

Hide in the bushes

With a telephoto lens.

Chicks in bikinis.

Tips for Keeping your Home Safe From Home Invasion.

By Grant Miller.

I'll give you my gun

When you take it from my cold

dead hands, you punk ass.

Tips for Giving a Great Graduation Speech.

By Grant Miller, Poet.

Make a joke at first.

Remind them life is short and

They'll die in the end.

Today's Dullest Press Releases.

As found on prnewswire.com:

1. Get Ready! Frontier Airlines' Airbus 320 Arrives at Akron-Canton Airport.
2. Media Invited to Water Basin Groundbreaking Ceremony.
3. Wasp Mobile, a Subsidiary of uVuMobile, Has Acquired Controlling Interest in Paws and Claws Pet Club Franchise.
4. Luxembourg's Luxair to Expand Fleet with Boeing Next Generation 737-800.
5. Take Kids on a Reading Safari This Summer - in the Jungle!
6. Tossed Boston Proves Salad Restaurant Chain's New Business Recipe is Delicious Success.
7. PolyGel® Receives SAFMERC Approval for L-Code L0627 for New ThermoActive™ Plus Cold & Hot Compression Lumbar Orthosis.
8. ePsolutions Announces the Release of emPower 4.0, the Premier Software Solution for Energy Retailers in the Texas Market.
9. In the Face of Pain® Offers Social Media 101 for Pain Management Advocates.
10. Particle Sciences Adds Dried Blood Spot Analysis to its Bioanalytic Services.

Al Gore Pick-Up Lines.

• You know my personality isn't the only thing made of wood.
• Yes, I do have a Nobel Prize, a Grammy and an Oscar in my pocket and yes I am happy to see you.
• I'd love to melt your ice caps.
• I'd like to Gore your Bush.
• I'd like to warm your globes.
• Want a piece of my Nobel Prize?
• Wanna see the backseat of my Prius?
• Excuse me while I climate change into something more comfortable...
• The only thing that can come between us is Ralph Nader.
• Yes, yes. I can introduce you to Clinton. Like I haven't heard that a million times before...

Grant Miller Media's Summer Vacation Beach Reading List 2010!!!

The days are getting longer, temperatures are creeping higher and you need the perfect, relaxing book to while away the hours at the beach or beside the pool. Don't grab just any book: Summer reading should be a vacation for your mind the same way sun and surf is relaxation for your body.

Even if you're not at the beach or pool, a good summer book provides the perfect escape from everyday stress. A good summer read is like a day at the beach - restful and rejuvenating!

So here's a look at some of the best reads you'll find anywhere this summer:

• The Old Testament: This is the word of God and perfect in every way. It is the answer to all our questions and provides us with God's direction and guidance. It is perfect and it must be studied, learned, trusted and believed and is the only true authority in all matters.
• The New Testament: This is the companion and follow-up to God's original best seller, the Old Testament. Much like the first installment, the New Testament is perfect and without flaws of any kind. It is the undiluted word of God written down in its perfect form by humans. It is perfect in all matters spiritual, scientific, historic, psychological, sociological, artistic and political. It is the only book ever written, imagined or that will ever be written that is entirely infallible and without error.

If you read anything else this summer you will burn in HELL!!!!!!!!!!!