Is Net Neutrality Even Possible?

Net neutrality is considered a bedrock principal of the Internet. It's what makes Internet service providers (ISPs) treat all Websites equally. This idea - to give all Websites the same prominence and ease of use regardless of content - has worked well for decades.

But some lawmakers and ISPs now wonder if this unwritten rule is still relevant. It's a question that is not easily answered.

Consumers argue ISPs should be objective and treat all Websites equally. This gives consumers the most access to the most information the Internet provides. It also helps smaller Websites compete against online behemoths. Without Net Neutrality, many websites would practically disappear.

This seems like a valid argument, except for one thing. How can we expect ISPs, search engines and lawmakers to remain neutral when there's a Website as totally awesome as Grant Miller Media?

Look - ISPs, search engines, lawmakers, they're human just like you and me. They see what's happening on the Internet and they try to remain objective. But they know it's a losing battle since Grant Miller Media is just too kick ass.

Sure, there was a time when Net Neutrality made sense, but that was before Grant Miller Media showed up and made the Internet its bitch. Since then, there's no use denying Grant Miller Media's mind-blowing raddness.

Sure, many, many, many Websites are equal on the Internet and should be treated as such by ISPs, search engines, lawmakers and consumers. But face it, Grant Miller Media is the big dog and Net Neutrality is a flea.

Got it, suckers? Now get back to your kitten pictures, OKGO videos and Tweeting. Grant Miller Media's got to take care of business.

Egg Company Apologizes for Salmonella Outbreak.

The owner of an Iowa egg company said he was "horrified" to learn his eggs may have sickened 1,600 people in a salmonella outbreak this summer.

Austin "Jack" DeCoster testified before Congress today and offered this apology obtained by Grant Miller Media:

"Dear sirs,

"Please eggcept my sincere apology over this summer's salmonella outbalk. This has been the worst year in our coopany's history and quite frankly I'm very clucking upset. We subjected our customers to uneggceptable risks and illnesses due to our own neggligence.

"For too long our industry has sought the over-easy route and sent scrambled messages to consumers concerning egg safety. Our coopany has instituted reforms to make sure every egg that leaves our facility undergoes strict safety chicks, I mean checks.

"Words cannot eggspress our deep sorrow over any illness or inconvenience we may have clucked.

"Reggards,

"Jack DeCoster"

Hey Kids! Here's a Fun Activity Just in Time for Fall!

Hey kids! Do you like jumping in piles of freshly raked leaves or going on a bumpy hayrides to old-timey apple orchards?

Well, that's great!

But if you'd rather stay home and watch TV, then Grant Miller Media has the perfect fall craft project for you!

Just have your parents print the list of new television programs below and cross them out once they're cancelled! Tape the list to your door or refrigerator so everyone can see it!

What you'll need: A heavy, black permanent marker. Feel free to decorate your list with felt, glitter, macaroni, stickers or drawings!

Parent tip: Be sure to watch pilot episodes with your children to help them understand why programs get cancelled.

ABC:

"Better With You."

"Body of Proof."

"Detroit 1-8-7"

"My Generation."

"No Ordinary Family."

"The Whole Truth."

CBS:

"Blue Bloods."

"The Defenders."

"Hawaii 5-0."

"Mike & Molly."

"$#*! My Dad Says."

NBC:

"Chase."

"The Event."

"Outlaw."

"Outsourced."

"Undercovers."

"Love Bites."

CW:

"Hellcats."

"Nikita."

Fox:

"Lone Star."

"Raising Hope."

"Running Wilde."

An Open Letter to the Fox Valley Marathon Runners.

Dear Participants,

Congratulations on finishing the inaugural Fox Valley Marathon on Sunday. As you undoubtedly know by now, I no longer live in the Fox Valley as I moved to Tampa this summer.

That's why I found the timing of your inaugural marathon curious.

In all my years living in Chicago's western suburbs and the Fox Valley area there was never a marathon in my neighborhood. Not even a half-marathon to my knowledge.

But then - just two months after I leave - you hold a marathon. Isn't that a little odd?

Let's face it - you waited because you knew I would totally win. Not only would I win, I would dominate. Because I'm super fast and you know it. And my stamina is off the charts - and you couldn't keep up. And don't forget my abs are totally insane and they scared you.

You totally knew I would beat all of you and that's why you waited for me to leave.

Whatever. Now that I'm gone, you should hold a Fox Valley's Strongest Man competition, too.

Pfft.

Sincerely,

Grant Miller, Esq.

Grant Miller Media Review: Arcade Fire's "The Suburbs."

It's okay.

Grant Miller Media Review: Weezer's "Hurley."

It's nothing great.

And Now, a Moment With Andy Rooney.

Have you ever wondered who determines the size of your paycheck? I'm not talking about the amount of money, but the actual size of it. How wide it is. How tall it is. How it fits in your wallet.

I guess most people don't even get a paycheck at work anymore. They prefer it to be directly deposited into their bank. That way they don't spend it before they get home. It's your money and I guess you can do what you want with it but I like to actually see my pay check and hold it in my hands. That way I know I'm actually getting paid.

Have you ever looked at your pay check? There are all these numbers and letters. A certain amount is taken out each month, but where does it all go? I'd ask my accountant but he'd probably charge me.

Not many people use checks anymore it seems. Even hot dog vendors accept credit cards now. Just the other day I took a cab in New York City and the driver asked if I would pay with a credit card. When I was a boy, nobody used credit cards.

Checks now days seem smaller to me. Most are the size of a dollar bill so they're easy to loose in your wallet. But some are even smaller than that. I prefer larger checks. I'm not talking about these gimmick checks you see on TV after somebody wins the lottery. Has anyone ever really tried to cash one of those? I don't think my bank would take it.

But bigger checks seem more substantial. They feel different in your hand. They seem more substantial. And they're not very easy to loose.

Here's a check I got from a magazine subscription I had. You can't lose that in your wallet, that's for sure even if it is just for 34-cents. Here's one I wrote out to Con Ed.

The comedian Bob Hope used to write checks for everything because people wouldn't cash his checks. They figured having Bob Hope's autograph was worth more than what the check was written for.

Unfortunately, that doesn't happen to me.

Penelope Cruz, Javier Bardem Expecting First Child.

Celebrities Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem are expecting their first child, it was announced on Tuesday. The Oscar-winning newlyweds met while filming Woody Allen's "Vicky Christina Barcelona" in 2008. Here's what we know about the couple's new arrival:

• The baby will be filled with passion and wonder and a certain I don't know what.
• The baby will be dramatic and sometimes off-beat and possibly Oscar-worthy.
• Cuchi cuchi cuchi!
• The baby will be sultry.
• The baby also will be hirsute and display an inner rage that boils just under the surface.
• The baby will be much better looking than your baby.

Never Forget.

Today is Moby's birthday.

An Open Letter to America.

Dear American,

Did you know 33 percent of American children have never seen a Ben Affleck movie? Almost 56 percent of American kids don't even know who Ben Affleck is. And only 2 percent of all Americans - regardless of age, race or income - actually enjoy Ben Affleck movies.

But this hasn't always been the case.

When I'm asked why we should care about what happens to Ben Affleck's career, I think about my daughter, Allison.

Before she was born in 2000, Ben Affleck's career appeared unstoppable. Movies like "Good Will Hunting," "Shakespeare in Love,"and "Armageddon" won critical acclaim and box office paydays. He won an Academy Award! Even before Allison's first birthday, Ben Affleck's 2001 action movie "Pearl Harbor" was one of the top grossing summer films.

Allison's future looked bleak; if Ben Affleck continued to do well she might grow up never realizing he's a total smarmy hack.

But because of the hard work and dedication from people like you, Ben Affleck's career began to falter around 2003. He made movies like "Gigli" and "Clerks II." His box office numbers nosedived and critics finally saw through his anemic performances.

Today, Allison is a healthy fifth grader and shows no symptoms of wanting to see a Ben Affleck movie. Her goal in life is to sing and act and provide audiences with the type of heartfelt performances they will never receive from a hack like Ben Affleck.

This year we have the ambitious goal of wiping out Ben Affleck's career entirely. Won't you consider helping us by not seeing his new movie "The Town" when it is released on Sept. 17? Think of the other children, just like Allison, who will never be exposed to this awful celebrity.

Sincerely,

Grant Miller, Esq.

Grant Miller Media FactBox: Piers Morgan

Piers Morgan was named as Larry King's replacement beginning in January 2011 on CNN. Here's a brief look at Morgan's life and career:

• FULL NAME: Don't know.
• AGE: Don't care.
• HOMETOWN: Seriously.
• FAMILY: Why would I care?
• FIRST JOB: Not listening.
• HERO: Whatevs.
• FAVORITE MOVIE: Totally indifferent.
• FAVORITE QUOTE: Stopped listening.
• FAVORITE CHILDHOOD MEMORY: Not interested.
• FAVORITE BOOK: Do people still watch Larry King?
• CAREER AMBITION: I seriously wouldn't recognize the guy.

Fact!

Talking to someone on Skype reminds me of my time in prison.

My Mayor Daley Memories.

I grew up in Elmhurst - a blue collar, working class neighborhood not terribly far from Chicago. Today, Elmhurst is notorious for its urban blight, gang controlled neighborhoods, drugs, alcohol and prostitution - a true modern hell hole.

But growing up, it was a different town. Men would awake before dawn and head for good, honest jobs in the coal mines of nearby Oak Brook and Hinsdale. Others would toil for hours at the massive steel mills that lined Ogden Avenue in Naperville. We didn't worry about crime or poverty - we weren't wealthy, snooty suburbanites, but we weren't poor.

My family lived in a three bedroom apartment above a Hagans Avenue bar. There were fights and gambling - even us kids knew what went on downstairs - but it was a home. And it was our home. As long as my six brothers and I stayed out of the nearby SRO hotel, our mother didn't worry.

But my parents - Stanley and Basia - wanted more for me. They saved every last penny and dollar with hopes that one day I would get out of the old neighborhood and attend a middling, inexpensive state school.

When I was graduated years later from Northern Illinois University it was a day of great joy at the Miller home. We ate a glorious homemade meal of pickled beets, herring and cabbage soup using my mother's old world recipe.

For the very next day I began a prestigious job in Chicago as a gopher and bartender for a tour boat company along the city's lakefront. I'd take the train in from Elmhurst - past the glorious mansions and manicured estates of Melrose Park and Chicago's west side - and into the gilded skyscrapers of Chicago's Loop.

For months, I would keep my head down and work hard at my job - keeping my eyes on the goal of one day of landing a high-paying job as a newspaper reporter.

Walking to the boat dock each morning, I enjoyed the solitude among the masses all hurriedly going to work. But one day, I chose a different route. It was a hot summer morning and the shade from the Lake Street L provided shade as I walked east near State Street. Surprisingly, the sidewalk was not crowded.

As I walked, a black sedan pulled up next to me and two big guys in suits hopped out and opened the door for a passenger in the back seat.

I looked over and realized it was Chicago's Mayor Daley.

"Hey - it's Chicago's Mayor Daley," I thought to myself.

Then the three walked quickly into an office building nearby and I continued on my way to work.

The end.

How Bad is the Economy?

• It's so bad Johnny Paycheck is living hand-to-mouth.
• It's so bad Johnny Cash is penniless.
• It's so bad Bob Dylan is willing to work on Maggie's Farm.
• It's so bad Dolly Parton sometimes works Nine-to-Seven.
• It's so bad Huey Lewis has been out of workin' for a livin' since November.
• It's so bad Sammy Hagar drives 55 miles an hour just to save on gas.
• It's so bad Paul McCartney has to buy love at Aldi.
• It's so bad Kiss can only rock and roll until 9 p.m. because it has a longer morning commute.
• It's so bad Calloway just wants to get by.
• It's so bad Jay-Z is okay with subdued pimpin'.
• It's so bad Todd Rundgren can only bang on the drum in the evening after work.
• It's so bad Donna Summers works hard for half the money.
• It's so bad for P.Diddy that it's all about the Hamiltons.
• It's so bad Loverboy is working on the weekend.
• It's so bad the Notorious B.I.G. has less money and less problems.
• It's so bad the Eagles must drive in the carpool lane.
• It's so bad Steve Miller took the money and paid down his credit card.

My Cover Letter to Chicago Gang Leaders.

Dear Chicago gang leaders,

My name is Grant Miller, founder of Grant Miller Media, and I was compelled to contact you following your recent press conference.

At Grant Miller Media, we understand the importance of good public relations. From simple press releases to dynamic communications strategies for the 21st Century and beyond, our commitment remains the same - to provide communication results at the point of impact.

We believe our array of resources and expertise will help your gangs reach a wider audience and deliver extraordinary results.

Here's how:

• Convergent Marketing - It's a fact - public relations and marketing are converging. Although the trend is driven by digital media, it extends to all channels of communication and that includes gang signs, colors, tagging and rites of passage. At Grant Miller Media, we're not waiting to see how things evolve - we're driving the evolution forward.
• Reputation Management - Your reputation is your gang's most valuable asset and credible, well-respected reputations are built over time. Our global experts will help you measure your gang's value and identify untapped neighborhoods to enhance your reputation and make snitches think twice.
• Media Presentation & Training - A gang captain needs to deliver a keynote speech to group of ho's. Or maybe it's a live webcast to unveil a new shipment of China white. No matter the medium, every speaking situation is an opportunity to deliver your message with clarity and conviction. That's why Grant Miller Media provides customized media and presentation training to help generate buzz for your message and persuade your audience to pay up now, motherfucker.
• Internal Communications - Every gang in today's marketplace is going through a transformation. But no matter the size or situation, Grant Miller Media believes a gang's ability to achieve business objectives depends on how well it engages, aligns and motivates the shorties. We'll raise awareness and drive behavior by helping you navigate change, develop strategies and break legs and hide evidence.
• Professional Services - As today's gangs continue to face more complex issues, they lean heavily on the professionals who advise them. At Grant Miller Media, we'll help you grow and protect your gang relationships by demonstrating your capabilities, scope of services, depth of talent and total motherfuckin' control, bitchass.

Everyday around the world, we strive to identify the opportunities and address the challenges facing our clients. Simply put, Grant Miller Media is built to meet your gang's communication and public relations needs.

Our global network is expanding and responding to the demands of a "one degree of separation" world. And our passionate, best-in-the-business people can help you succeed by bringing your innovative ideas to life. Or death if need be.

In the end, I believe Grant Miller Media is poised and ready to meet your needs in an age of unmatched communications possibilities.

Sincerely,

Grant Miller, Esq.

Oval Office Gets Makeover.

The White House unveiled a re-modeled Oval Office on Tuesday prior to President Obama's televised address. Every president has added some design or decorative changes during his tenure. Here are some of the new details added by the Obama Administration:

• New desk installed with top-secret direct line to Hollywood, Gay Hollywood, Jeremiah Wright, Sodomites, Barbara Streisand, the United Nations, the Illuminati, Oprah, the Bilderberg Group, Black Panthers and a cabal of Marxist college professors.
• Replaced 1786 portrait of George Washington with Obama's favorite artwork - "Piss Christ."
• Added a bronzed sculpture of President Obama's hero, Vladimir Lenin.
• Cleared bookshelves of historical manuscripts and priceless artifacts for the President's first edition copy of "Das Kapital."
• Removed rug with presidential seal and added a simple Muslim prayer rug.
• Installed large file cabinet for holding President Obama's Kenyan birth certificate and passport and dual citizenship records from Indonesia and Pakistan.
• Shifted furniture so the President's desk always points toward Mecca.

Hurricane Earl Could Hit New England.

Meteorologists are tracking Hurricane Earl as it continues to threaten the East Coast. The latest projections show the Category 3 hurricane could strike Cape Cod, Nantucket and Martha's Vineyard this weekend. Local officials are warning residents of the wealthy vacation enclaves to prepare for evacuation and have provided this list of essential supplies and preparation tips:

• Men should pack at least one bottle of aged, single malt scotch. Women should pack gin and lots of it.
• Seersucker suits should be laundered before the storm hits.
• Each household should have a three-day supply of clam chowder from a beloved great-great nanna's recipe.
• Residents should pack blankets emblazoned with the name of the prep academy named after their grandfather. Blankets bearing the coat of arms of prestigious Ivy League schools also are acceptable.
• Don't forget sufficient food and water for polo horses, English riding horses and hunting dogs. Servants also should be looked after.
• Residents are advised to end wistful, sepia-toned games of touch football along the beach by 3 p.m. Friday.
• All croquet equipment should be placed in the servant's quarters by 6 p.m. Friday.
• Homeowners should batten down bronzed plaques noting George Washington once visited there.
• If power is lost, families are advised to discuss their love of the Red Sox by candlelight. If electricity is out for more than 72 hours, residents should discuss how much Jeter sucks.
• FEMA has already set aside $3 billion for quaint and picturesque restoration projects after the storm passes.