A Reminder to All My Liberal, Educated, Fair-Trade Latte-Swilling, Hybrid-Driving, NPR-Listening Friends.

It's Truck Month at participating Chevy dealers nationwide.

An Open Letter to My Family.

Dear Family,

In just a few days, this great house of ours will be transformed thanks to your hard work and continued support. And as the next husband and father from this beautiful family, I will work tirelessly to bring tacos or Chinese back to this three-bedroom condo, to cut spending and improve life not only for today but for generations to come.

Unlike my opponent, I support our kids. When I was supporting our kids, my opponent was at yoga. When I was supporting our kids my opponent was out visiting her friends across town. I don't know about my opponent, but if I'm re-elected to this house next Tuesday I will continue to support our kids 100 percent.

For years I've opposed the entry of illegal aliens into our house. I was the one who proposed locking the door to keep illegal aliens out. When we went to Jamaica in 2007, I was the one who proposed setting the lights on timers to prevent illegal aliens from entering our house. My opponent may talk a big game but I'll tell you right now - she has no plan for stopping the flow of illegal immigrants into our house!

My opponent tries to paint herself as an outsider to this family with no special interests. But let's face it - it's her signature that goes on every check and she's controlled this family's purse strings for too long. In this race, there's only one true outsider, someone who hasn't really balanced a checkbook since college and isn't bound by memorizing account numbers and passwords. And that candidate is me.

I don't know about you, but I'm pretty upset with the way things are going in our kitchen. I remember a time when I could open the freezer and see a nearly full carton of cookies-and-cream ice cream. But those days are long gone. Now my opponent expects WORKING AMERICANS like you and me to go to the store and hand over our hard-earned money to get more COOKIES-AND-CREAM.

If you think the freezer needs more ice cream, be sure to vote for me next Tuesday.

Sincerely,

Grant Miller, Esq.

'Hiccup Girl' Charged with Murder in Florida.

A St. Petersburg teen who gained notoriety for uncontrollable hiccups was charged Saturday for allegedly helping rob and murder her neighbor. Jennifer Mee, 19, and two others were charged in connection with the crime.

In 2007, Mee's bout with uncontrollable hiccups was featured on the "Today" show and experts nationwide tried to assist her. At one point, Mee would hiccup 50 times per minute. The uncontrolled hiccups stopped on their own five weeks after they began.

Mee is only the latest Florida criminal known for bodily functions. Here's a look at others:

• Bank robber, Pete "Farts" McGee.
• Cattle rustler, "Eye Booger" Sloane.
• Murderer, Ivan the Drooler.
• Embezzler, James "Poopy Pants" Fitzgerald.
• Train Robber, Butch "Pink Eye" Cuddady.
• Kidnapper, Frankie "Lactose Intolerant" Bianchi.
• Forger, Sergi Valdés the Mouth Breather.
• Arms Dealer, Rick "Girl Sneeze" Petersen.
• Bank robbing sorority roommates, Samantha Pepitone and Tammy Larson aka "The Synchronized Sorority Sister Swindlers."

Congratulations!

Congratulations to 2010 Mock Turtleneck Hall of Fame inductee Stan Van Gundy!

Bumper Stickers You Never See.

Practical Haikus

How to Win Your Fantasy Football League.

By Grant Miller, Poet.

First, you should be me.

Because, I am the master.

I am your sensei.

How to entertain young children.

By Grant Miller, Poet.

Turn on the TV.

And walk away. Do you have

any wine or booze?

How to Retire In Your 30s

By Grant Miller, Poet.

Get to be 30.

Then make a lot of money.

Ta da - you are done.

Learn How to Make a Scented Candle in a Glass.

By Grant Miller, Poet.

You should just buy one.

It's easier that way, dude.

Wanna play Halo?

What Grant Wore: The Grocery Store.

My refrigerator was looking bare this morning so I ran to the Publix GreenWise in Hyde Park after dropping off the kids at school.

Publix - it's a grocery store.

But I forgot it doesn't open until like 8 a.m. so I just kind of drove around and stuff for awhile. I thought about going to Krispy Kreme over on Kennedy and MacDill, but figured "Nah."

I thought about going here.

Finally at 8 a.m., the grocery store opened so I drove over to the Publix GreenWise. Since I was like the first person in the store, the place kind of smelled like disinfectant.

Disinfectant.

I needed to pick up O.J., soy milk, bread, butter, cereal and HoHos. I got that stuff and then scanned this month's Reader's Digest while at the checkout line. Did you know Sigourney Weaver has a guilty pleasure?

Sigourney Weaver secretly loves "Jersey Shore."

I usually dress like a hobo when dropping the kids at school in the morning. But I had some actual work to do this morning, so I couldn't look like a total slob.

My typical appearance.

I decided to dress like a mildly productive member of society. Here's what I wore:

Blue button-down shirt from the Gap.

Tan chinos.

And brown loafers.

Oh. I forgot dryer sheets. Damn.

Things Overheard During the Chilean Miners Rescue.

• "Please tell me 'Eat Pray Love' is still in theaters."
• "God I hope my family TiVoed 'Glee.'
• "Brett Farve is still in the NFL???"
• "Is it too late to cash in on Chilean Miner Halloween costumes?"
• "Damnit. I left my wallet down there."
• "Hey baby, I can go down for 69 days if you know what I mean..."
• "How about that Rick Sanchez? What a dick..."
• "So the recession is over, right?"
• "What??? Ken Mehlman's gay????"
• "Is everyone over Katy Perry, yet?"

Grant Miller Media EXCLUSIVE: The Brett Favre Pictures.

The NFL is investigating claims All-Pro quarterback Brett Favre sent several inappropriate pictures to a female employee of the New York Jets in 2008. Favre, a Super Bowl champion and three-time MVP with the Green Bay Packers, has not commented on the allegations.

Grant Miller Media has obtained these graphic photos allegedly sent by Favre:

Farve's "Famous" summer sausage.

Fried cheese curds - a Green Bay delicacy.

Farve wanted to keep it classy with Rhinelander.

And a brandy old Fashioned.

The most damning evidence - a fried perch dinner for two.

New Sex Survey Yields Surprising Facts.

A new study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine is the largest survey of its kind in more than 20 years. The study conducted by Indiana University's Center for Sexual Health Promotion scrutinized the sex lives of 5,000 randomly selected participants on their bedroom habits and beliefs.

Here's a breakdown of the numbers:

• More than half (53 percent) said they'd do anything for love but won't do that.
• Most (60 percent) monogamous couples do a little hehehe in the heehee and sometimes with hehehe or a cat.
• Roughly 45 percent of Americans agree that if the van is a rocking, you should not come a knocking.
• An astounding 100 percent of happily married males have never ever looked for nude pictures of Scarlett Johansson online and can attribute such searches to co-workers goofing around when I accidentally left my laptop unlocked so really there's nothing more to talk about here, okay?
• Everyone (100 percent) at one time or another has dreamt about bathing in a cool, mountain stream with James Van Der Beek.
• Roughly a quarter of American women (24 percent) would like fries with that shake.
• Only 6 percent of Americans 18 to 44 find Rod Stewart sexy.
• 78 percent of American males think you have really nice eyes and such soft lips.

Notable Nobel Peace Prize Winners.

Imprisoned Chinese dissident Liu Xiaobo was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize on Friday for his campaign of non-violence highlighting human rights violations in his homeland.

Here's a look at other notable winners of the distinguished award:

President Barack Obama, 2009.

President Jimmy Carter, 2002.

Nelson Mandela, 1993.

The Dalai Lama, 1989

Mr. Stanley Roper, 1981.

Mother Theresa, 1979.

Fact!

CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer enjoys spending summer nights on his Situation Patio.

Tips for Americans Traveling in Europe.

The State Department on Sunday issued a travel alert for Americans in Europe following last week's the discovery of a terrorist plot to attack major European cities. Here's a list of precautions Americans should take when traveling abroad:

• When in Rome, do as Romans do.
• Just act like you're Canadian.
• Avoid large, metropolitan cities filled with glitz, culture and excitement and instead visit boring-ass towns in the middle of friggin' nowhere.
• Just spend a day staring at Google Earth. That's pretty much the same thing.
• Instead of visiting Ireland just stop by Bennigans where everyday is St. Patrick's Day!!!
• You no visito a Spaino. Is dangerouso.
• Lock yourself in your hotel room and watch overdubbed reruns of "Friends" until the terror alert passes.
• You should totally check out those "coffee shops" they got there in Amsterdam.
• If you're visiting France, stand on a street corner and lock yourself in an invisible box and then silently call for help to the enjoyment of passers-by.
• When passing through Germany, beware of Scorpions as they are capable of rocking you like a hurricane.
• Never forget.

Runners Up for the 2010 Nobel Prize in Medicine.

• The HeadOn Lady.
• Wilford Brimley.
• A scientist from Finland that no one knows who cured a disease that no one has.
• Those guys in the lab coats with the Mentos and Coke bottles.
• The doctor that invented Retsyn.
• Robin Williams for his touching portrayal of Dr. Patch Adams - proof that laughter truly is the best medicine.
• The dude that sells weed to your brother.
• Taylor Swift.
• Glaxo and Smith. But not Kline.
• That know-it-all brainiac who married your high school sweetheart.