An Open Letter to the TSA.

Dear TSA,

In recent weeks, your organization has come under attack from civil libertarians and others who claim full-body scanners and airport security pat are an invasion of privacy. Some have even said they will boycott security checkpoints during next week's busy holiday rush.

I will not comment on the validity of their arguments or offer suggestions on how to make your duties less invasive. I am writing you today for one reason: To make everything all right.

You look so good in that standard, government issue bright blue uniform with those patches and tie. Mmmm. Oh yeah. Yeah. You know. Those polyester pants they make you look so fine. So fine I'm losing my mind, baby.

Here, let me get a little more comfortable and take off my shoes. Ahhh. That's better. You like when I place my shoes in this grey bin? I knew you would, baby. You know where I want your shoes? How about over my shoulders, baby.

Step right this way, you ask? You know I couldn't say no, because it's a federal crime. Oh? You want me to step into your what what? Oh a full-body scan? You move so fast, it must be because there's 100 more people in line behind me.

There you go baby. I'm all yours to see. And as you can tell, I am 100 percent All-American male, baby, and I am the bomb.

Yeah, roll the cameras, sound the sirens - you don't see something like this everyday. I don't have any weapons, unless you're talking about these guns right here, baby. I would turn around but I can't take my eyes off you, baby.

See something you like? Maybe you need to come in for a feel - you never can be too safe when you're so sexy. Pat me down and feel me up, I'm all yours. However you like it.

Now you wanna what? You wanna unzip my bags, baby? I love it when you unzip slowly, reaching down, feeling my rolled up socks and undershirts. And then you find what you're looking for: My 4-ounces of love. I got 4-ounces of whatever you need - mouthwash, hair gel, cologne, contact solution or allergy medicine. And it's all yours too see in my ziplock bag.

You can ride my friendly skies anytime you want, baby.

Sincerely,

Grant Miller, Esq.

An Appeal from Grant Miller Media Founder Grant Miller.

I got a lot of funny looks 10 years ago when I started talking to people about Grant Miller Media.

Let's just say some people were skeptical of the notion that volunteers from all across the world could come together to create a pool of Grant Miller-related knowledge - all for the simple purpose of sharing.

No ads. No agenda. No strings attached.

Although ads were later included at Grant Miller Media it should be noted our hearts - at least initially - were in the right place. Also, I should mention while Grant Miller Media has no clear agenda, there is certainly a hidden agenda which our readers, fans and devoted followers will pay a hefty price for one day. As for the "No Strings Attached" policy? Well, that's changed a bit over the years. Sorry.

A decade after its founding, nearly 400 million people use Grant Miller Media and its sister sites every hour - almost a third of the Internet-connected world.

Grant Miller Media is the fifth most popular Grant Miller-related Website in the world - but Grant Miller Media isn't anything like a commercial Website, mostly because it doesn't generate any real money. But also because it is a community creation, written by indentured servants, migrant workers and day laborers one entry at a time. You are part of that community. And I'm writing today to ask you to protect and sustain Grant Miller Media.

Together, we can keep it temporarily free of charge and free of advertising - except for the highly valued advertising that already exists, of course. We can keep it open - you can use the information in Grant Miller Media anywhere you want - though doing so violates copyright laws - just a little FYI. Most importantly, we can keep it growing - spreading Grant Miller-related information everywhere, and inviting participation from everyone. Everyone except Ernest Rosler, 39, of 1597 Springdale Court, North Aurora, Illinois. He knows why.

Each year at this time, we reach out to ask you and others all across the Grant Miller Media community to help sustain our joint enterprise with a modest donation of $20, $35, $50 or more. Like $600 or something.

If you value Grant Miller Media as a source of Grant Miller-related information - and a source of Grant Miller-related inspiration - I hope you'll choose to act right now.

All the best,

Grant Miller

Founder, Grant Miller Media

P.S. Grant Miller Media is about the power of the people like us to do extraordinary things. But mostly, it's about Grant Miller. People like us write Grant Miller Media one word at a time. People like us fund it, one donation at a time. It's proof of our collective potential to change the world. Or whatever.

Top-Rated Shows on the Golf Channel.

1. "Golf."
2. "CSI: Augusta."
3. "Golf."
4. "How I Met Your Ball Washer."
5. "Golf."
6. "Dimples!"
7. "Golf."
8. "Bogey, Mulligan and the Back Nine Gang."
9. "Are You Smarter than a Five-Iron?"
10. "Golf."

Ireland May Require Financial Bailout.

The Euro fell to its lowest levels on Tuesday on fears Ireland may require a financial bailout from the European Union. The Euro slid to $1.35 - its lowest point since September.

Here's a look at some of the problems facing Ireland:

• It's filled with gingers.
• In 2004, Ireland converted to potato-based economy.
• After repeated attempts and heightened security, Ireland's stash of Lucky Charms was stolen.
• Legislative debates within the Irish government always - always - end with someone going to the hospital for stitches.
• In 2007, Scientists concluded Lucky Charms possess no magical abilities and are actually flavored by high fructose corn syrup.
• Notre Dame hasn't had a winning season since 2008.
• The Irish government owes an estimated $8 trillion - roughly 30-times its gross domestic product - to Callaghan's Pub in Dublin.
• The country invested heavily in college classes to better understand "Finnegans Wake."
• Many of Ireland's sparse, bleak and frankly confusing monetary policies were written by Samuel Beckett.
• U2 hasn't had a good album in 10 years.

FDA Unveils New Warning Labels for Cigarettes.

Federal drug regulators unveiled 36 proposed warning labels for cigarettes on Wednesday including some that are striking pictures of smoking's effects.

Here's a list of some proposed warning labels obtained by Grant Miller Media.

1. WARNING: You should ash your cigarette often to avoid clothing burns.

2. WARNING: You've come a long way, baby.

3. WARNING: Everybody's doing it. Come on. What's the matter? You chicken? Balk balk balk.

4. WARNING: Smoking causes the opposite sex to think you are sexy and debonair.

5. WARNING: You could be enjoying the smooth, mild tastes of menthol Kool cigarettes.

6. WARNING: Pregnant women should not smoke when they drink.

7. WARNING: Meth is cheaper.

8. WARNING: The cigarette you are about to enjoy will certainly take the edge off.

9. WARNING: Label writer too busy smoking outside to finish label.

10: WARNING: Children exposed to cigarette smoke are likely to grow up cool.

11. WARNING: All these government taxes and regulations will kill you if the cigarettes don't get you first...Am I right folks????

12: WARNING: Why smoke when you could chew?

13. WARNING: You're gonna die someday.

A Sincere Thank You for Veterans Day

To whom it may concern,

Tomorrow is Veterans Day - a day for remembering and honoring the brave men and women who have placed their lives in harm's way to protect our great nation. But I would like to take a moment to thank the American Legion, an organization that every year sends me a hand-written card thanking me for my service to our country.

I would also like to thank the Veterans of Foreign Wars who also note my dedication to our national safety with a formal letter sent to me every Veterans Day. I am greatly honored that both of these distinguished organizations have taken the time and effort to acknowledge my sacrifices.

I must express my sincere gratitude to the countless mortgage companies, for-profit colleges and insurance companies that have contacted me weekly for several years now via direct mail, e-mail or phone calls - thanking me for my sacrifice while offering considerable bargains available only for veterans.

Thank you all very much. But just so you know, I'm not a veteran and I think you may have confused my service (or lack thereof) with my wife who actually served eight years in the Air Force. She's the veteran in our family, not me.

You see, while my wife was overseas serving our nation, I was in college - skipping classes and staying up all night playing Super Nintendo. For eight long years, my wife bravely fought to protect my freedom to make water bongs and drink Schlitz beer on Thursday nights. When my wife heard the call of duty, I heard Black Sabbath and Rush. And for that sacrifice she has my heartfelt and sincerest gratitude.

So, this Veterans Day please update your mailing lists to address my wife as the veteran and not me. And just so you know she's a little offended this happened in the first place - she thinks it's sexist that you'd just assume I'm the veteran because I'm a guy.

Sincerely,

Grant Miller, Esq.

Practical Haikus

How to be a Dance Music DJ Using CDs

By Grant Miller, Poet.

Uh, what year is it?

1994? Do you

have "Sister Christian?"

How to Avoid Spiked Drinks.

By Grant Miller, Poet

Avoid spiked drinks?

Why would you want to do that?

You should seek them out.

Tips for Rock Climbing Safely.

By Grant Miller, Poet.

If you get stranded,

We'll look for you - promise. Can

I have your TV?

How to Communicate with Older Adults

By Grant Miller, Poet.

Try to convince them

You are their son or daughter.

Have them sign their name.

An Announcement.

Dear Readers,

Due to recent events, Grant Miller Media will not sell or ship its inventory of Precious Moments figurines to Yemen. Sorry for any inconvenience.

Sincerely,

Grant Miller, Esq.

Ugh! Buying a New House is So Hard!

Okay, so when we moved to Tampa in August, we decided to rent a condo temporarily until we found a house we liked.

Well guess what? We found a place and we love it!!! Oh, but that's just the beginning.

First we have to negotiate the price, get bank approval and then have an inspector check it out. But here's what we know:

• It's in a good up-and-coming neighborhood. The house is next to a former mental hospital that was converted into upscale lofts a couple years ago - so that should really help resale value. The house was originally built by a doctor at the hospital who used it to treat particularly ill patients. It will be so exciting to live in a house with such history!!!
• It's within city limits - which was really important to me. The house was built in the 1920s about the time city leaders gained control of the land from Native Americans and turned their sacred burial grounds into a residential subdivision.
• Unfortunately, it doesn't get very good television reception. I can just imagine my kids horror when they wake up late at night and flip on the tube only to see static on every channel!! I think we can use this to really talk down the asking price!
• The house has a clear view of Tampa's finest waterways and a nearby shipyard. Our realtor promised the shipyard has not leaked space-age, toxic chemicals into the city's labyrinthine and crocodile-infested sewer system in at least three months so there's really nothing to be concerned about.
• The house has a long upstairs hallway. I cannot wait to see my daughters walking in unison while wearing their matching baby blue dresses! It will be so adorable!!!
• Although few houses in Florida have basements, this one is unique for a very deep and nearly inaccessible pit hidden beneath the living room floor. According to the MLS listing, the pit is completely sound proof and a rope-and-pulley system allows for easy delivery of food and drink to anyone in the pit.
• Unfortunately, the house is near a well-known lovers lane where teenagers often go to be alone on dark and stormy nights.