Meaningless Encounters I've Had With Legends of Baseball and Their Celebrity Girlfriends, Vol. I

Legend of Baseball:

Alex Rodriguez

Legend of Baseball's Celebrity Girlfriend:

Cameron Diaz

Date:

March 4, 2011

Location:

Tampa, Florida

The Inside Scoop: I went to the Publix (which I still call the Jewels) with my daughter and her friend early Friday evening. While there, we bumped into a neighbor, a woman who lives in the same condo building a few floors above us. "Did you hear about our new neighbors," she asked. I leaned in, expecting some juicy gossip about someone in our building violating association bylaws or playing music too loudly or something equally mundane. "No, what happened," I responded. "Well, you didn't hear this from me, but ARod and Cameron Diaz are living in our building through spring training." I tried to play it cool. "Really? I'll have to keep an eye out. Maybe send my daughter to their condo to sell Girl Scout cookies." My neighbor, who hails from New York City and alleges to have seen everyone who was ever important, admitted she was a little star struck when she first saw our celebrity neighbors. My neighbor's story was confirmed a few hours later when I saw the couple walking to their car (a black, late model Porshe convertible).

As you may know, I've had many run-ins with Legends of Baseball and Hollywood Celebrities. But this situation and its potential impact on my living situation poses a problem I never truly imagined.

Krista and I have been married 12 years. Somewhere along the line we both developed a List. This is not uncommon - many couples who've been together for years have developed similar Lists.

For those unfamiliar with the term, a List is a handful of celebrities, titans of industry, rock stars or athletes that you are allowed to leave your spouse for with no questions asked. Your spouse must be aware of the List and its members and vice versa. You can't get upset if your spouse leaves you for someone on the List - you were warned and agreed to it.

Membership on any List may change, but the idea always is the same - if they're on the List you can have at it.

My problem is Cameron Diaz has always been on my List.

Her, Charlize Theron and Scarlett Johansson are the most senior members on my List. Others have made brief appearances, but those three are the most permanent. If my List was the U.N. Security Council, those three would be the United States, the United Kingdom and France. They're there for good and have veto power.

My wife's List, like the fairer persuasion in general, is far more discreet and well-reasoned: Warren Buffett, George Clooney, Adrien Brody and Owen Wilson. Krista denies the existence of her List, much the same way Israel denies it has nuclear weapons.

When discussing my List with Krista, I always counter it with "If I really wanted Cameron Diaz, or Charlize Theron or Scarlett Johansson I would go out and get them and they would be mine. But I've chosen you, dear Krista." She knows this is bull, but I think it's a pretty good argument to get me out of a prickly situation.

But now that Cameron Diaz and I are neighbors, what am I to do? Who am I to stop her pursuing me? Technically, because she is on the List and retains veto power, I don't think I can.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.