What the Federal Shutdown Could Mean for Different Agencies.

With a government shutdown looming, here's a look at how different federal agencies might be affected:

The Judicial Branch:

• Activist judges will not be able to pursue their Socialist agenda.
• Most convicted felons will run free.
• Federal cases requiring urgent review will be decided by online polls.

The Department of Agriculture:

• The systematic fattening of America will cease during the shutdown.
• All tractor pulls, rodeos and hoedowns will be regulated by state and local officials.
• 4-H clubs will not meet.

The Department of Defense:

• A boot in your ass will come courtesy of Toby Keith personally, not the Red White and Blue.
• War re-enactors will appear even creepier during the shutdown.
• (Redacted) (redacted) will (redacted) (redacted) to (redacted) (redacted) and the Kremlin (redacted) (redacted) Superman (redacted) (redacted).

The Department of Education:

• Federally funded public school indoctrination programs for Communism, Fascism and Sodomy will close.
• School lunches will consist of candy and cigarettes.
• Bullies will rule the playgrounds.

The Department of Health and Human Services:

• The shutdown will allow veterinarians, tattoo artists and television actors who portray doctors to administer medicine and perform surgery.
• Viewing the heartwarming Robin Williams comedy "Patch Adams" will be the prescribed treatment for hospital patients.
• Free pills.

The Department of the Interior:

• Buffaloes will be unleashed on an unassuming public.
• With national parks closed serial killers will be forced to dump bodies in private parks.
• Federal agents will have to pay a deposit to get Old Faithful turned back on.

The CIA:

• Street drugs supplied by the CIA will be hard to find during the shutdown.
• CIA operatives will stop all mind surveillance of all Americans.
• The highly classified Operation Yellow Tail will not not exist.

The Bureau of Alcohol and Tobacco:

• Babies will be allowed to smoke.
• Beer produced during the shutdown may not be fully krausened and may only be partially krausened.
• Nothing can stop the smooth, rich taste of Camel Lights.

The Post Office:

• Due to budget constraints, postmen will now only ring once.
• Not even a government shutdown can stop junk mail - am I right folks???
• Unpaid postal employees are guaranteed to be even more surly - am I right folks???

NPR and PBS:

• PBS will pre-empt regular broadcasting for a continuous, 24-7 pledge drive marathon.
• "Seasame Street" will be brought to you by the letters "I" "O" and "U."
• "Wait...Wait...Don't Tell Me" will be retitled "Wait...Wait...Until the Federal Shutdown is Over."

The National Endowment for the Arts:

• Federal funding for obscene, homoerotic arts will be on the down low if you know what I mean.
• Artists will be forced to sell their works at local Holiday Inns at starving artists prices.
• Beauty will be in the eye of the lien holder.

Shadow Governments:

• Will not be able to fully manipulate gold markets.
• The Federal Reserve will stop giving our money to international bankers and money lenders.
• The federal shutdown plays right into the Bilderberg Group's ultimate plan for the fate of the world.