And Now, a Moment With Andy Rooney

I don't know if you watched "60 Minutes" last Sunday, but I didn't.

Of all the things you can do on a Sunday evening, why would anybody spend an hour listening to Morley Safer drone on about the news. And Steve Kroft? Don't get me started, but lets just say his office isn't big enough for his ego.

Did you know I had already served in the army, fought in World War II and interviewed two presidents by the time Scott Pelley was teething? Not that he would care. You see, Scott Pelley is a know it all, one of those men who believes he has everything figured out. And if you try to tell him he just blows you off like you're a senile old man.

If there's one thing I've learned working at "60 Minutes" it's that senile old men are some of the most knowledgeable and handsome people in the world. Kids like Scott Pelley can have "Evening News." No one's watched it since Cronkite left anyway.

Did you know if you switch the channel during "60 Minutes" on Sunday night you'll likely stumble upon "America's Funniest Home Videos." I had never seen "America's Funniest Home Videos" until Sunday.

I don't know about other countries, but I'm confident America's funniest home videos would compete very strongly with the funniest home videos from other countries. England might have some funny home videos and maybe Mexico or Canada would do okay, too. Sweden probably won't do very well, it's just too cold to be funny. There's nothing funny about staring at an ice-covered fjord for nine months each year.

How is it that "60 Minutes" has won 78 Emmys while "America's Funniest Home Videos" hasn't won anything? I'll tell you how - everybody is scared of Mike Wallace and his slicked back hair, capped teeth and that silky smooth baritone of his.

I know one person who's not scared. He's an older man, but not too old. Sure he has some gray hairs, doesn't everybody? But he's not going to be intimidated by Mike Wallace and his $5,000 suits. He's seen it all, every last bit of it.

And he used to have five minutes at the end of "60 Minutes" every week.