Muammar Gaddafi Jokes.

Not many people know this, but my first job out of college was as a joke writer for Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi. He always needed a couple one-liners to loosen up his audience before preaching hatred for the West. It might surprise you, but I've found most military despots are not naturally funny guys. That's why Gaddafi relied upon writers like me to develop gags - or zingers as he called them.

I recently cleaned out my office and stumbled across some old notebooks filled with jokes from the 1998 Tripoli Correspondents Dinner. A lot of time has passed and these jokes were originally written in Arabic so the translations are not perfect, but back in 1998 Tripoli - these jokes killed. Literally, if you didn't laugh you were stoned to death.

So these jokes might not be funny now, but they were golden back in old Tripoli:

• "Take my wives - please!!!"
• "Libya? Wouldn't wanna beya!!!!
• "How about that Libyan space program? Pretty soon we'll be offering space flights for ordinary Libyans. It'll cost $40,000 or $25,000 if you you leave from Benghazi!!!!
• "It's been so hot in Tripoli lately. It's been so hot I've been dating my camel just for the shade!!!!!"
• Every New Year's Eve there are thousands of fireworks going off here in Tripoli at all hours of the day. So Tripoli mothers sooth their startled young children by telling them it's just a public execution!!!!
• Did you hear about these anthropologists that recently discovered a tribe in Sudan that is so remote they only have Suave shampoo but not new Suave shampoo with conditioner? It's true.
• What's the deal with these cell phones? They're always losing signals. Just the other day I called one of my generals and he lost the signal. Hey - how can I expect you to win a war if you can't even win a signal - am I right folks????
• How about that airline food? The other day I was flying first class on Trans Libyan Air and they put a plate of food in front of me. I pointed to it and said "What is this?" and the guy goes "It's couscous." So I say to him "Couscous? You call this couscous? It looks more like poospoos!!!
• It's been so hot here in Tripoli. It's been so hot I'm executing political prisoners with poisoned margaritas!!!!

And Now, a Moment With Andy Rooney

I don't know if you watched "60 Minutes" last Sunday, but I didn't.

Of all the things you can do on a Sunday evening, why would anybody spend an hour listening to Morley Safer drone on about the news. And Steve Kroft? Don't get me started, but lets just say his office isn't big enough for his ego.

Did you know I had already served in the army, fought in World War II and interviewed two presidents by the time Scott Pelley was teething? Not that he would care. You see, Scott Pelley is a know it all, one of those men who believes he has everything figured out. And if you try to tell him he just blows you off like you're a senile old man.

If there's one thing I've learned working at "60 Minutes" it's that senile old men are some of the most knowledgeable and handsome people in the world. Kids like Scott Pelley can have "Evening News." No one's watched it since Cronkite left anyway.

Did you know if you switch the channel during "60 Minutes" on Sunday night you'll likely stumble upon "America's Funniest Home Videos." I had never seen "America's Funniest Home Videos" until Sunday.

I don't know about other countries, but I'm confident America's funniest home videos would compete very strongly with the funniest home videos from other countries. England might have some funny home videos and maybe Mexico or Canada would do okay, too. Sweden probably won't do very well, it's just too cold to be funny. There's nothing funny about staring at an ice-covered fjord for nine months each year.

How is it that "60 Minutes" has won 78 Emmys while "America's Funniest Home Videos" hasn't won anything? I'll tell you how - everybody is scared of Mike Wallace and his slicked back hair, capped teeth and that silky smooth baritone of his.

I know one person who's not scared. He's an older man, but not too old. Sure he has some gray hairs, doesn't everybody? But he's not going to be intimidated by Mike Wallace and his $5,000 suits. He's seen it all, every last bit of it.

And he used to have five minutes at the end of "60 Minutes" every week.

Steve Jobs' Patents.

The 317 Apple patents that list Steve Jobs as an inventor offer a glimpse inside his creative mind - from the company's products to the design of Apple stores. Here's a partial look at some of Mr. Jobs' patents:

• The iMac.
• The iPod.
• The iPhone.
• The iPad.
• iTunes.
• MacOS.
• The Mac power adaptor.
• Apple TV.
• The spatula.
• Double-sided tape.
• Pizza bagels.
• Stationary that reads "From the desk of...."
• "Back off" mud flaps featuring Yosemite Sam.
• Glow sticks.
• Those taco shells that sit up on their own.
• Co-wrote and sang harmony on El DeBarge's "Who's Johnny."
• Those big mirror balls that people put in their yards.
• Ketchup bottles that stand on end.
• The double bass drum pedal.
• The flying toaster oven screen saver.
• The "Rachel" haircut.