Grant Miller Media.

Santorum on Backdoor Immigration.

2012-01-03T11:00:00.001-06:00

I'm not sure how many of you are into caucuses, but I sure am. That's why I took a moment to research each candidate recently. I was particularly interested to see where they stood on immigration and amnesty for illegal immigrants - sometimes called "backdoor immigration."

I began my research by Googling candidate Rick Santorum and backdoor immigration.

You'll never believe what I found! With Santorum in the mix, today's caucus could turn really messy.

Evidently, Santorum is totally against backdoor immigration and believes high unemployment is a byproduct of mixing foreign laborers with American workers. Santorum shows this issue is simply bubbling beneath the surface, waiting for someone to pull out the facts and show it for what it is - disgusting.

Santorum has made me really reconsider the need for something to block backdoor action along the border - if you know what I mean. I'm happy to see Santorum is all over it. Santorum has it covered.

I don't know who you're supporting for president, but I'm fairly certain President Obama won't want to mix it up with Santorum anytime soon.

Late-Surging Kim Jong-un Looks to Rally Voters Ahead of Iowa Caucuses.

2012-01-02T10:00:00.000-06:00

Kim Jong-un started the new year riding the wave of a strong finish in the last major poll before Tuesday's Iowa caucuses and looked to rally his supporters in a series of events on Sunday.

There were few surprises in Saturday's Des Moines Register poll - front runners Mitt Romney and Ron Paul finished 1-2 as they had in other polls during the week. But the Register poll showed Jong-un, who just weeks ago was nearly unknown outside the highest levels of the North Korean regime, pulling ahead of rivals Newt Gingrich and Rick Perry.

Jong-un's rise is the latest in a campaign-long series of votes testing crazed world-leaders against Romney, who is favored by establishment Republicans and has finished at or near the top in most polls since announcing his candidacy last summer.

Jong-un said he knew his turn would come.

"People have asked me 'When are you going to get your surge, you're not going anywhere'" the North Korean supreme leader and son of the late Kim Jong-Il said Sunday at a diner in rural Mt. Pleasant, Iowa. "I said my surge is going to come on January 3rd after the people of Iowa submit to my powerful army and nuclear weapons. Death to America."

While Jong-un is benefiting from the buzz of poll results, other candidates are taking notice and have sharpened their criticism of him in recent days.

Texas Gov. Rick Perry was the front-runner last summer, but was eclipsed following a series of debate fumbles. Perry took a moment on Sunday to detail the differences between the young North Korean leader and himself.

"There are a lot of differences between myself and Kim Jong-un, as Michele (Bachmann) pointed out he's young and untested. He inherited his position - he didn't work for it. I'm going to let him explain to the American people why they should just give him the job because of who his father was. That's not being fiscally conservative. He's just another out-of-touch Pyongyang insider and career despot."

Jong-un has not disclosed what will happen if he loses Tuesday's caucuses but insiders speculate he may endorse Bachmann.

The 2011 Drysdale Award Winners.

2012-01-01T12:00:00.000-06:00

Blogger of the Year

Andy Rooney (Grant Miller Media).

Least Influential Political Blog

Bells On

Most Micro Microblog

@grantrmiller

Blog with the Most Obtuse Language and Longest Posts

Matters of Taste

Blog with the Worst Spelling and Grammar

That Blue Yak

Blog with the Most Inaccuracies

The Great American Blog

Least Updated Blog

Grant Miller Media.

Blogger Who Shares Waaaaay to Much Information

Dr. Zibbs

Fashion Blog with the Most Ass Shots

Some Days It's Just Not Worth Chewing Through the Leather Straps

Worst Commenter

Grant Miller

Blog with the Most Swearing

Grant Miller Media.

The Drysdale Peace Prize

Chewbacca, Ergo Sum

Congratulations to all the winners and nominees. A lavish, five-star awards ceremony and gala hosted by legendary Hollywood funnyman Morey Amsterdam is scheduled for the very near future in lovely Tampa, Florida.

Nancy Grace's Top Missing People of 2011.

2011-12-31T13:30:00.006-06:00

1. Beth Howze.

2. Jerry Bavaro.

3. Tessa Klawansky.

4. Naomi Bollinger.

5. Philip Ha.

6. Dawn Hancock.

7. Linda Keefe.

8. Jeff Tassinari.

9. Mary Brandin

10. Pamela Montz

Nominees for the 2011 Drysdale Awards.

2011-12-20T09:00:00.000-06:00

Blogger of the Year

Andy Rooney (Grant Miller Media)

Steam Me Up Kid (Steam Me Up Kid)

Least Influential Political Blog

David Amundson - St. Charles, IL, Patch

The Pop Eye

Scope-Tech

Bells On

Most Micro Microblog

@grantrmiller (Twitter)

Blog with the Most Obtuse Language & Longest Posts

Matters of Taste

Chewbacca, Ergo Sum

Blog with the Worst Spelling and Grammar

Chewbacca, Ergo Sum

That Blue Yak

Blog with the Most Inaccuracies

The Great American Blog

Grant Miller Media.

Least Updated Blog

Grant Miller Media

Casual Slack

WhiskeyMarie

Blogger Who Shares Waaaaay too Much Information, Know What I Mean?

Grant Miller

Dr. Zibbs

Fashion Blog with the Most Ass Shots

Grant Miller Media.

Some Days it's Not Worth Chewing Through the Leather Straps

Worst Commenter

Grant Miller

Flannery Alden

BeckEye

Blog with the Most Swearing

Grant Miller Media.

The Drysdale Award Peace Prize

Grant Miller Media.

Chewbacca, Ergo Sum

Congratulations to all the nominees. Voting concludes at 12:01 a.m. EST Sunday, January 1. Good luck to all. A lavish, formal ceremony will be held shortly thereafter. Details to be announced soon.

The 2011 Drysdale Awards For Blogging

2011-12-13T11:00:00.000-06:00

Grant Miller Media is accepting nominations for the 2011 Drysdale Award for Blogs.

Nominees will be announced when voting begins on Dec. 19. Voting will end at 12:01 a.m. Jan. 1, 2012. Winners will be feted at a lavish gala ceremony planned for the spring sweeps on ABC and hosted by Ryan Seacrest and the Grant Miller Media Dancers.

Categories for nomination are:

Blogger of the Year.
Least Influential Political Blog.
Most Micro Microblog.
Blog with the Most Obtuse Language and Longest Posts.
Blog with the Worst Spelling and Grammar.
Blog with the Most Spam Comments.
Blog with the Most Inaccuracies.
Least Updated Blog.
Blogger who Shares Waaaaay Too Much Information, Know What I Mean?
Fashion Blog with the Most Ass Shots.
Worst Commenter.
Blog with the Most Swearing.
The Drysdale Award Peace Prize.

Nominations will be accepted via comments on this post, by e-mailing here, or by commenting on the Grant Miller Media Facebook Page or the Drysdale Award for Blogging Facebook Page. Please type "NOMINATIONS" in the subject line for all e-mail submissions.

A Personal Appeal from an Author of 549 Grant Miller Media Posts.

2011-11-30T15:00:00.001-06:00

Ever wonder how Grant Miller Media can cover so many topics so well?

Ever since I was a girl, I've been a total nerd about Grant Miller and Grant Miller-related information. I'd bring home all sorts of trivia and fun facts related to Grant Miller. My mother wasn't too thrilled.

I've written hundreds of posts at Grant Miller Media about Grant Miller. Now multiply that by 100,000 editors. That's how Grant Miller Media got to 15 million articles about Grant Miller.

For this to keep working, we volunteers need a stable infrastructure on which to work: servers, tech staff, guidance counselors, jet-ski instructors, archivists, clergy members, geologists and geophysicists, labor relations specialists, tool-and-die makers, urban and regional planners, human guinea pigs, bait-and-switch con men named Slim, Asian masseuses, fresh-faced fraternity brothers in snappy letter sweater cardigans and a legal team to protect our independence and more.

Grant Miller Media is the #5 Grant Miller-based Website in the world, but its infrastructure is maintained by a small non-profit -- all paid for by donations, just individuals giving $5, $20 or even $50. Please pitch in.

Grant Miller Media works because their is an unspoken light inside all of us that comes from the desire to help educate, to help share knowledge and to help Grant Miller. And that's what makes Grant Miller Media so magical.

If you stop and think for even a second, you'll realize how fabulous it is to get this Grant Miller-related information without a paywall, and to not have to read ads except for the ones in the lower left corner of this web page which are vitally important and provide readers with potentially life-saving information. Grant Miller Media is like a voice of sanity in a crazy, consumerist world.

If you benefit from Grant Miller Media, please consider kicking in at least a small amount of cash to support Grant Miller's lavish lifestyle.

Thanks,

Theresa Hewitt

Grant Miller Media author

Italy's Berlusconi Resigns After Passing Austerity Bill.

2011-11-09T11:45:00.000-06:00

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi resigned Tuesday after losing a governing majority in parliament and passing a crucial budget vote that will tighten government spending for years to come.

Here's a look at Italy's new austerity measures:

Cease production of sleek high-end sports cars and focus on fuel-efficient hybrids and economy-size vehicles.
Bring Sophia Loren out of retirement - am I right, fellas???
Shifting its leather glove-based economy to a cheaper, knitted half-finger glove-based economy.
Start hitting eBay hard with some of that Michelangelo crap.
Limit romantic afternoon picnics of wine and cheese to no longer than four hours daily.
Ayyyyy dats a very spizey global economy!!!
End policy of unlimited breadsticks and salads.
Eliminate strawberry from all future Neapolitan ice cream containers.
Modernize Venice - have you seen that place? They don't even have streets....
Fin.

And Now, a Final Moment with Andy Rooney.

2011-11-08T14:00:00.000-06:00

Former Grant Miller Media contributor Andy Rooney submitted this, his final post, just days before he passed away on Friday.

Have you ever noticed the more expensive coffee at the supermarket always comes in a bag? It used to be that all coffee came in a can. But somewhere along the line they began putting coffee in bags.

I would say about half of all coffee sold at the supermarket comes in a bag. The other half comes in a can and then there are those bulk containers for people who like to scoop their own coffee beans. You never see anyone scooping their coffee beans. I know I don't.

Coffee bags are nice. They're smaller than a can so they fit in your cupboard. But why is it the tape on the bag never sticks once you open it? No matter how hard you press it down it comes off.

Never have that problem with cans. Once you're done with a can you can use it for holding nails or coins. Here's an old Maxwell House can I use to hold pennies. It weighs a lot - there must be at least 600 pennies in there. Here's an old Folgers can. It's smaller. Keep my rubber bands in it.

So why is it that some coffee is ground and some is whole bean? Nobody wants the whole bean, a whole coffee bean won't help you wake up in the morning. So you have to grind it. So why don't they sell only ground coffee?

Have you ever seen someone using the coffee grinder at the supermarket? If you ask me, if you have to grind your own coffee at the store they should at least give you a dollar off.

They don't drink coffee in Europe. They drink tea.

Something tells me if the queen wanted her coffee ground, she wouldn't stand around in the supermarket doing it herself.

The Best of Andy Rooney at Grant Miller Media.

2011-11-07T12:00:00.001-06:00

Grant Miller Media was saddened by the recent passing of its longtime contributor, Andy Rooney. Mr. Rooney's final Grant Miller Media post will be published later this week.

In the meantime, here's a look back at Mr. Rooney's greatest moments at Grant Miller Media:

On the blogosphere

"It used to be if you wanted your voice heard you had to get on TV or radio or write a letter to your newspaper. Now days you hop online and start a blog, like Grant Miller Media. So now, everyone's voice is heard and everybody has a blog.

To bad no one is listening."

On slippers

"I like my slippers. I get a new pair every year and I wear them around the house. Sometimes I wear them at work, but my boss doesn't like it very much. Says it sets a bad example. Of course, he never said wearing shoes sets a good example...."

On Valentine's Day

"It's surprising how much Valentine's Day candy costs these days. So much of it is made of high fructose corn syrup and partially hydrogenated soybean oil. It's tough to find anything made with real sugar. And that's too bad...."

On taking naps

"I like late afternoons because I like to nap. You can try napping in the morning but it's not very easy. It feels more like going back to bed. If you try napping in the early afternoon you won't have much success. Someone will probably tell you to get up...."

On bubble gum

"You don't see men my age chewing bubble gum. There's something about it that looks silly once you reach a certain age. Same goes for lollipops and cotton candy...."

On eyebrows

"Not everyone's eyebrows are the same. Elizabeth Taylor's eyebrows were practically more famous than her. Groucho Marx made a career out of his. You don't see many stars now days with eyebrows like that."

On newspaper ads for women's shoes

"Here's another ad for women's shoes. I don't normally look at ads for women's shoes, but I couldn't help but notice the woman in this ad is holding the shoes, not wearing them. The least you can do if you're selling women's shoes is to show a woman wearing them. Somehow I don't think this ad was made with someone like me in mind...."

On the Super Bowl

"It used to be that only football fans would watch the Super Bowl. Of course it wasn't always called the Super Bowl. It was just the championship. But once you get enough corporate sponsors and halftime acts, I suppose you can't just call it the championship...."

On finding money

"I don't think many people give much thought to where a few extra dollars go. If you've ever found a couple dollars in an old pair of slacks it may be a nice surprise but it's hardly enough to retire on...."

On Pringles

"Pringles are the only chip that come in a can. Walk down the chip aisle of any supermarket and you won't find any chips in cans. Except Pringles. Sure, you might find shoestring potatoes in a can. But those aren't chips. At least I don't think they're chips...."

On babies in television commercials

"What about babies that sell tires? You probably didn't know babies need tires. I know I didn't. Do you really think a baby would choose one tire over another? I've never met a baby that could even tell the difference between tires and I bet you haven't either. But selling tires to worried parents is probably a little easier than selling baby food to a baby. It'll sure cost you more...."

On credit cards

"Not many people use checks anymore it seems. Even hot dog vendors accept credit cards now. Just the other day I took a cab in New York City and the driver asked if I would pay with a credit card. When I was a boy, nobody used credit cards...."

On "60 Minutes"

"How is it that '60 Minutes' has won 78 Emmys while 'America's Funniest Home Videos' hasn't won anything? I'll tell you how - everybody is scared of Mike Wallace and his slick backed hair, capped teeth and that silky smooth baritone of his...."

Muammar Gaddafi Jokes.

2011-10-21T12:45:00.003-05:00

Not many people know this, but my first job out of college was as a joke writer for Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi. He always needed a couple one-liners to loosen up his audience before preaching hatred for the West. It might surprise you, but I've found most military despots are not naturally funny guys. That's why Gaddafi relied upon writers like me to develop gags - or zingers as he called them.

I recently cleaned out my office and stumbled across some old notebooks filled with jokes from the 1998 Tripoli Correspondents Dinner. A lot of time has passed and these jokes were originally written in Arabic so the translations are not perfect, but back in 1998 Tripoli - these jokes killed. Literally, if you didn't laugh you were stoned to death.

So these jokes might not be funny now, but they were golden back in old Tripoli:

"Take my wives - please!!!"
"Libya? Wouldn't wanna beya!!!!
"How about that Libyan space program? Pretty soon we'll be offering space flights for ordinary Libyans. It'll cost $40,000 or $25,000 if you you leave from Benghazi!!!!
"It's been so hot in Tripoli lately. It's been so hot I've been dating my camel just for the shade!!!!!"
Every New Year's Eve there are thousands of fireworks going off here in Tripoli at all hours of the day. So Tripoli mothers sooth their startled young children by telling them it's just a public execution!!!!
Did you hear about these anthropologists that recently discovered a tribe in Sudan that is so remote they only have Suave shampoo but not new Suave shampoo with conditioner? It's true.
What's the deal with these cell phones? They're always losing signals. Just the other day I called one of my generals and he lost the signal. Hey - how can I expect you to win a war if you can't even win a signal - am I right folks????
How about that airline food? The other day I was flying first class on Trans Libyan Air and they put a plate of food in front of me. I pointed to it and said "What is this?" and the guy goes "It's couscous." So I say to him "Couscous? You call this couscous? It looks more like poospoos!!!
It's been so hot here in Tripoli. It's been so hot I'm executing political prisoners with poisoned margaritas!!!!

And Now, a Moment With Andy Rooney

2011-10-14T13:00:00.001-05:00

I don't know if you watched "60 Minutes" last Sunday, but I didn't.

Of all the things you can do on a Sunday evening, why would anybody spend an hour listening to Morley Safer drone on about the news. And Steve Kroft? Don't get me started, but lets just say his office isn't big enough for his ego.

Did you know I had already served in the army, fought in World War II and interviewed two presidents by the time Scott Pelley was teething? Not that he would care. You see, Scott Pelley is a know it all, one of those men who believes he has everything figured out. And if you try to tell him he just blows you off like you're a senile old man.

If there's one thing I've learned working at "60 Minutes" it's that senile old men are some of the most knowledgeable and handsome people in the world. Kids like Scott Pelley can have "Evening News." No one's watched it since Cronkite left anyway.

Did you know if you switch the channel during "60 Minutes" on Sunday night you'll likely stumble upon "America's Funniest Home Videos." I had never seen "America's Funniest Home Videos" until Sunday.

I don't know about other countries, but I'm confident America's funniest home videos would compete very strongly with the funniest home videos from other countries. England might have some funny home videos and maybe Mexico or Canada would do okay, too. Sweden probably won't do very well, it's just too cold to be funny. There's nothing funny about staring at an ice-covered fjord for nine months each year.

How is it that "60 Minutes" has won 78 Emmys while "America's Funniest Home Videos" hasn't won anything? I'll tell you how - everybody is scared of Mike Wallace and his slicked back hair, capped teeth and that silky smooth baritone of his.

I know one person who's not scared. He's an older man, but not too old. Sure he has some gray hairs, doesn't everybody? But he's not going to be intimidated by Mike Wallace and his $5,000 suits. He's seen it all, every last bit of it.

And he used to have five minutes at the end of "60 Minutes" every week.

Steve Jobs' Patents.

2011-10-06T16:00:00.002-05:00

The 317 Apple patents that list Steve Jobs as an inventor offer a glimpse inside his creative mind - from the company's products to the design of Apple stores. Here's a partial look at some of Mr. Jobs' patents:

The iMac.
The iPod.
The iPhone.
The iPad.
iTunes.
MacOS.
The Mac power adaptor.
Apple TV.
The spatula.
Double-sided tape.
Pizza bagels.
Stationary that reads "From the desk of...."
"Back off" mud flaps featuring Yosemite Sam.
Glow sticks.
Those taco shells that sit up on their own.
Co-wrote and sang harmony on El DeBarge's "Who's Johnny."
Those big mirror balls that people put in their yards.
Ketchup bottles that stand on end.
The double bass drum pedal.
The flying toaster oven screen saver.
The "Rachel" haircut.

Practical Haikus.

2011-09-29T13:00:00.001-05:00

How to Clean a Touch Screen Smart Phone

By Grant Miller, Poet

A microfiber

cloth should do it but I just

use my shirt, you know?

How to chose the best security camera system.

By Grant Miller, Poet

You should use lasers

Or, like, buy some chako sticks.

That'd be so bad ass.

What's the best way to pack a toiletry kit quickly?

By Grant Miller, Poet.

Here's what I do, dude.

Cologne. Lots and lots of it.

Yeah, it's all you need.

How can I communicate with older adults?

By Grant Miller, Poet

First off, they smell weird.

Secondly, they won't know you.

So, let's skip this one.

Kid 'n Play's "Face the Nation" Released 20 Years Ago Today.

2011-09-24T19:50:00.004-05:00

All this week, Grant Miller Media has examined the legacy and impact of Kid 'n Play's "Face the Nation" which was released 20 years ago this week. The album exploded the duo's glorious comedy hip-hop music and angular hair styles into the popular consciousness.

Much as Bob Dylan disavowed any label as voice of the 1960s generation, Play resisted claims to the epochal significance of his songs. Cultural expressions like Kid 'n Play's seminal "Rollin' with Kid 'n Play" contain discrete nuggets of truth about a particular moment rather than encompass the totality of experience for an entire age cohort.

Now, at the tell tale 20-year mark, it's more necessary than ever to pierce through the media-driven platitudes about Kid 'n Play emerging fully formed overnight to transform music and the angular hair style industry.

Prior to the "Face the Nation," Kid 'n Play honed their craft, playing gigs at dingy bars to disinterested audiences, opening for bigger acts and touring circuits throughout the nation.

Though "Gittin' Funky" compelled a wider audience, it did not immediately bestow the title of "voice of a generation" that has since been applied to Play. His discomfort with fame, outrageously baggy pants and angular hair were symptomatic of currents that ran deeper throughout the culture.

"We had no idea 'Face the Nation' would sell less than 200,000 albums. We never went out and said, 'Let's record an album that receives just two stars from All Music.com,'" Kid said recently.

To mark the occasion, Elektra Records has released a remastered box set of the album containing more than 80 unreleased tracks, a live DVD and liner notes written by Michael Azerrad. The Martin Scorsese documentary, "Kid n Play: Don't Look Wack," opens in select theaters on Friday.

Could a Second 'Contagion' Really Happen?

2011-09-17T10:30:00.000-05:00

Whether you've seen the films, read the reviews or witnessed its living bacteria billboard, chances are you've taken a panic-stricken moment to wonder: Could a second "Contagion" really happen?

The answer, it turns out, may not be exactly what you want to hear.

CDC director Thomas Frieden advised "Contagion" producers on how to make the plot plausible and keep just enough of the key characters alive in the event a second "Contagion" is necessary. His answers were unnerving.

"It's possible for this film to spread very fast beyond the main cities like New York, Chicago and Los Angeles. If it spreads to smaller cities like Tampa, Portland or Omaha we may be well beyond 'The Help,'" Frieden said.

"We could see a phenomena where each person that experiences 'Contagion' tells 15 other people. Even one person can tell someone else about 'Contagion' from 100 feet away," Frieden said. "If that happens, if enough people see 'Contagion,' we need to prepare for a recurrence in the next 18 to 24 months."

Still, Frienden said we should not panic - yet.

"It's all possible, but what's important is we can do a lot to prevent a second 'Contagion' and reduce the impact of the current 'Contagion,'" Frieden said. "We need to remind people that Steve Soderbergh orchestrated 'Ocean's 11,' '12' and '13.' That this is his modus operandi - make a one good movie and then change a few things and remake it again and again only with lesser production values and weaker scripts."

So far, the Obama administration has not commented on the possibility of a second 'Contagion' hitting the U.S. However, the Department of Homeland Security is reportedly developing an emergency response in the event Gwyneth Paltrow shows signs of aging or weight gain in the near future.

New Tapes Reveal Candid Jacqueline Kennedy.

2011-09-13T10:45:00.000-05:00

A recently released audio interview of former First Lady Jacqueline Kennedy gives new insight into the Kennedy White House and the Cuban missle crisis. The interview, recorded just months after her husband's assassination, had been sealed in the Kennedy Library until this week.

Here's a look at other revelations included in the tapes:

Her favorite meal? Fried bologna sandwiches with marshmallow Fluff.
President Kennedy routinely contemplated bombing Canada back to the Stone Age.
Lyndon Johnson was into leather.
In private, Mrs. Kennedy spoke with a thick, southern drawl.
President Kennedy's Secret Service code name: "Ole Pork & Beans."
Couldn't get enough of "The Benny Hill Show."
She dreams in sepia tone.
Once ate 50 hard-boiled eggs on a bet.

Never Forget.

2011-09-11T12:00:00.000-05:00

The drummer from the Grateful Dead is 68 today.

50 Amazing Facts About Wolf Blitzer.

2011-09-07T14:45:00.002-05:00

1. Wolf Blitzer grows 2.5 centimeters wider every year.

2. Oxygen, carbon, hydrogen and beard make up 90 percent of Wold Blitzer's body.

3. The Big Dipper is known as "The Wolf Blitzér" in France.

5. Wolf Blitzer can kill a leopard.

6. Wolf Blitzer moves away from Earth at a rate of 1.5 inches per year.

7. Wolf Blitzer can fall from a five-story building without injury.

8. Wolf Blitzer can eat 50 pounds of meat in one sitting.

9. Wolf Blitzer is the world's largest distributor of toys.

10. Wolf Blitzer is .02 degrees hotter during a full moon.

11. The names of Popeye's four cousins are Pipeye, Peepeye, Pupeye and Wolf Blitzer.

12. Karate originated in India but was developed further by Wolf Blitzer.

13. After eating, Wolf Blitzer regurgitates his food and then eats it again.

14. Eighty-five percent of all Valentine's Day cards are purchased by Wolf Blitzer.

15. Wolf Blitzer is the leading cause of poisoning in the home for children six and younger.

16. "Blitzer" is the only English word that ends in the letters "litzer."

17. If Wolf Blitzer stopped working, you'd die within 24 hours.

18. Wolf Blitzer uses the skulls of his enemies as drinking vessels.

19. Antarctica is the only land on Earth not owned by Wolf Blitzer.

20. Wolf Blitzer's original name was "Silky Slim."

21. Although Wolf Blitzer is not a wolf, English-speaking settlers called it Wolf Blitzer due to its similar appearance to wolves.

22. When someone looks at Wolf Blitzer, their neural circuits associated with social judgement are suppressed.

23. The curtains match the carpet.

24. Wolf Blitzer's beard is not white - it's transparent.

25. "Wolf Blitzer" is the only character to appear in every Shakespeare play.

26. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find Wolf Blitzer.

27. The sound you hear when placing a seashell next to your ear is not the ocean - it's the sound of Wolf Blitzer's breathing.

28. Halle Berry's stunt double in the "Cat Woman" movie was in fact Wolf Blitzer.

29. "Wolf Blitzer" is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

30. The first telephone book was one page long and contained only one name - Wolf Blitzer.

31. Only 55 percent of Americans know that Wolf Blitzer is a star.

32. The most dangerous job in the world is that of Wolf Blitzer.

33. Wolf Blitzer consumes $11 billion of pet food annually.

34. Wolf Blitzer was banned in Finland because he doesn't wear trousers.

35. Each year, 24,000 Americans are bitten by Wolf Blitzer.

36. Wolf Blizter produces more than 20 percent of the world's oxygen.

37. Wolf Blitzer can clean his ears with his 21-inch tongue.

38. Wolf Blitzer is not technically a wolf. It is a legume.

39. Wolf Blitzer does not have a blind spot.

40. Nearly 80 percent of all Americans will be the victim of Wolf Blitzer at some point in their lives.

41. Wolf Blitzer's voice can be heard from five miles away.

42. If you mouth the words "Wolf Blitzer" to someone, it looks like you are saying "I love you."

43. In just 10 minutes, Wolf Blitzer can release more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.

44. More than 80 percent of American children can identify Wolf Blitzer by their second birthday.

45. The United Nations estimates there will be two Wolf Blitzers in the world by the year 2020.

46. Wolf Blitzer once Wolf Blitzered for 72 hours straight in 2003.

47. Incas created pots in the shape of Wold Blitzer.

48. The only public Wolf Blitzer museum is located in St. Louis, Missouri.

49. Wolf Blitzer is silent and odorless and can kill a person in less than 15 minutes.

50. Wolf Blitzer's autobiography has been translated into more than 2,400 different languages, including Klingon, Aramaic and Manx.

Folded Magazine Said to Kill Mosquito No. 2.

2011-08-30T10:00:00.000-05:00

A folded June 2010 National Geographic magazine operated by Grant Miller killed the second highest ranking mosquito in the carpeted living room region on Monday, it was reported, further damaging a pestilence network that appears significantly weakened since the death of Ochlerotatus Taeniorhynchus in May.

A spokesman for Grant Miller said the strike killed Aedes Vexans, a mosquito of European origin who in the last year had taken over as the mosquitoes top operational planner. Mr. Vexans was in frequent contact with Taeniorhynchus in the months before the mosquito leader was killed on May 8 by a Discover credit card advertisement, intelligence officials said.

Grant Miller officials described Mr. Vexans death as particularly significant as compared with other high ranking mosquito operatives who have been killed because he was one of a new generation of leaders that the pestilence network hoped would assume greater control after Taeniorhynchus' death.

In the months since Taeniorhynchus' death, Grant Miller has maintained a barrage of magazine and junk mail attacks in the carpeted region of the living room, straining his already turbulent relationship with the rest of his family who would like to calmly watch television.

Grant Miller almost never consults family officials in advance of a magazine or junk mail strike. Magazine strikes have been the Miller administration's preferred means of hunting mosquito operatives and other forms of pestilence. Over the past year, Grant Miller has expanded the magazine war to the kitchen and dinning room.

Tips for Keeping Your Booze Safe If Irene Knocks Out Your Power

2011-08-26T11:30:00.001-05:00

By now, everyone on the East coast is tracking Hurricane Irene. Will she tack west or go east? Whatever path she takes, it seems certain many will get drenched and some may loose power, suffer flooding or worse. A power outage can affect the safety of your booze but there are things you can do now to prepare for that possibility.

The U.S. Department of Agriculture in accordance with Grant Miller Media recommends you keep ice on hand or know where to get it should you need it for a margarita during a power outage. If you don't have a generator, here is what you can do:

Put an appliance thermometer in the refrigerator and freezer. That way you'll know if your martini glasses are adequately chilled if the power goes out.
Make sure the freezer is set at 0 degrees F or lower for vodka and the refrigerator is at 40 degrees F or lower for tonic, sour mix, club soda and other mixers.
Group food together in the refrigerator. For instance, keep marashino cherries, orange slices, lime slices and lemon twists together for fruity drinks and olives, celery and pickled onions for bloody marys. This will help the garnishes stay longer.
Use any extra space in the refrigerator to chill Jello-shots.
Freeze gel packs ahead of time for use if you fall over in a drunken stupor.
Freeze refrigerator items like cigarettes - this helps them maintain their smooth, mild flavor longer.
Don't leave your house without a cocktail umbrella.
Plan to be without power for several days - you may have to manually mix cocktails in a shaker.
Plan ahead and know where dry ice and strobe lights can be purchased in case you decide to host a dance party.
Have coolers on hand to keep beer and wine cold if the power is out for more than four hours.
Store bowls of nuts, small pretzels and Chex Mix out of reach of children.
Don't forget your pets - dogs that drink beer are hilarious.
Check your neighbors' houses to see if they left any cool stuff behind.

Tips for Going to a New School.

2011-08-23T09:45:00.000-05:00

Going to a new school presents a lot of challenges and changes which sometimes leads to unnecessary anxiety. But going to a new school is a part of life everyone will experience at one time or another. Here are some useful tips to make the transition easier:

Administer a massive beatdown on the first day in the yard. Students sometimes feel alone or scared when confronted with a new school. Inflicting some serious justice in the yard tells other students you are not to be messed with.
Don't become a punk and don't associate with punks. While there are benefits to being friendly with punks, you don't want to get too involved. Doing so could lead you to be gambled or sold to other, stronger students.
Don't discuss why you're in school. Everyone is in school for the same reason. Make things easier on yourself by keeping your head down and accepting responsibility for your actions. Time will pass faster if you focus on the task at hand.
Exercise. Everyone is given time outside at some point during the day. Instead of standing around with friends, use this opportunity to bulk-up. Remove your shirt and get ripped to relieve stress and focus on your studies.
Don't be indebted to anyone. When you first get to school, other students may offer assistance or provide guidance. But there's a catch - they'll want payback and more later. DON'T accept loans or gifts from anyone - don't take what you can't afford on your own.

Gaddafi Sons in Custody, Father At Large

2011-08-22T12:00:00.002-05:00

Libyan rebel forces have detained four of Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi's sons as fighting intensified in Tripoli. The whereabouts of Gaddafi and other key regime leaders is unknown.

Gaddafi's sons were wanted on charges ranging from crimes against humanity to their roles in suppressing protests. Here's a look at the detained Gaddafi sons:

Saif al-Islam Gaddafi

Saadi Gaddafi

Nicholas Gaddafi

Mohammad Gaddafi

Grant Miller Media Exclusive: Video from Recent London Riots.

2011-08-11T13:00:00.000-05:00

British Prime Minister David Cameron today called on media outlets to handover footage of recent London riots and civil unrest to the police.

The prime minister said broadcasters - including the BBC, Sky News and Grant Miller Media - have a responsibility to give unused footage of the riots to police to help bring those involved to justice.

Grant Miller Media has previously strongly resisted handing over footage, claiming that it would damage the broadcaster's editorial independence.

However, Grant Miller Media has decided to turned over the following video of recent London's riots:

National Weather Service Issues "Heat" Warning.

2011-08-09T09:30:00.000-05:00

The National Weather Service issued a "Heat" warning for the entire nation through at least Sunday, urging filmgoers to avoid the 1995 action film starring Robert DeNiro and Al Pacino.

Movie lengths of 170 minutes are expected, meaning it will actually feel like it's between 200 and 220 minutes long.

The weather service warned the combination of Pacino's over-acting and tepid script can cause serious illness and even death.

"Seriously, you would think Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro in the same movie would be great, but you'd be wrong. Both are clearly phoning it in and Val Kilmer as a bad guy does not help matters," the weather service statement read. "Dude, the movie sucks."

The weather service urged residents to check on relatives and neighbors who may have the 1995 Michael Mann film in their Netflix queue. Most at risk are children and the elderly who might accidentally see the movie on TNT or Showtime while flipping channels.

In extreme cases, persons can suffer from "Heat" stroke, causing victims to quote lines from the movie and a sudden interest in Paciono's and DeNiro's lesser films like "Carlito's Way" and "Meet the Fockers."

In these cases, medical personal typically prescribe lengthy viewings of "Dog Day Afternoon."

In Light of Recent Economic Events Grant Miller Media Presents a Bunch of Graphs.

2011-08-08T07:30:00.000-05:00

U.S. Real GDP Growth.

Baltic Sea Depths by Year.

Lines going down. Lines going up.

Sunspot cycles 1749 to 2003

Omaha City Library collection.

Top State destinations for overseas travelers in 2003.

The food pyramid.

Parliament Opens Murdoch Dog and Bone 'Acking Probe.

2011-07-19T10:00:00.001-05:00

LONDON TOWNE - England's spreading dog and bone 'acking and plod back'ander scandal forced two of London Towne's top plods to resign in less than 24 hours and prompted Prime Minister David Cameron to ring up for an emergency session of parliament.

Chief Plod Paul Stephenson stepped down Sunday night, followed out the door Monday by Assistant Plod Commissioner John Yates. Yates is the official who decided two years ago not to reopen fuzz inquiries into dog and bone 'acking and plod back'ander by tabloid journos, saying 'e din't believe there wa' any new evidence to consider.

Bobbies now say they 'ave the names of 3,700 potential victims.

Evidently, the plods 'elped some journos listen in when a couple o' mates were 'aving a chinwag on the blower whilst the plods said they din't see a thing. And now some say Cameron's got real skeletons in 'is cupboard over this 'ole thing. 'Ow could 'e not 'ave a baldy notion wha' wa' 'appenin'?

And then afto they gots that arsehat Rupert Murdoch 'isself going before Parliament to argue the toss over the 'ole matter.

Murdoch was mobbed by journos on Tuesday as 'e arrived at the 'ouses o Parliament to explain exactly 'ow everything got ballsed up. The crisis banjaxed Murdoch's plan to buy BSkyB telebox and made 'is newspaper, News of the World, completely redundant.

350,000 Remain Without The Power of Love After Storm.

2011-07-12T15:00:00.002-05:00

CHICAGO - About 350,000 people remained without the "Power of Love" Tuesday following Monday's storm that pounded the Chicago area with hurricane force winds.

The number of people left without the ability to enjoy the 1985 Huey Lewis hit is the worst ComEd has seen since 1998 when 175,00 people were without Prince and the New Power Generation for more than a week.

As of 11 a.m. Tuesday, more than 350,000 were without the breakout single from the "Back to the Future" soundtrack.

It could take "several days" to restore "The Power of Love" to some customers, ComEd spokesman Tony Hernandez said.

Crews from as far away as Cleveland have been called to help restore the song that hit number one on three continents.

Additionally, ComEd is overrun with requests for Power Station's 1985 hit "Some Like it Hot" as temperatures near 100 degrees throughout Chicagoland.

The storm barreled through Chicago and the suburbs Monday morning with 85 mile-an-ahour winds and torrential downpours before heading east. The storm slammed into Cleveland by midday, but reports indicate the heart of rock and roll is still beating.

Casey Anthony Charged In Nancy Grace Explosion.

2011-07-06T19:15:00.000-05:00

ORLANDO - A Florida grand jury has indicted Casey Anthony on charges she orchestrated Tuesday's dramatic explosion of TV host Nancy Grace.

The indictment alleges Anthony, 25, intentionally made Grace's head explode on national TV. She also is charged with aggravated host abuse, aggravated host slaughter and providing false information a month too late for Spring Sweeps.

Grace's shrill voice and beet-red face was last seen Tuesday afternoon. At the time, Anthony allegedly told her family she had not seen Grace's program for more than two years and has since given conflicting accounts of her television viewing habits to police.

The sheriff's department said it believes Grace's head probably exploded.

Grace was 51-years-old when she was last seen. Her explosion has gripped the nation - for weeks, viewers nationwide have scanned the television for any mention of her possible explosion. Many hoped Grace would avoid exploding on national TV. On Tuesday, those hopes faded.

Attorney Jose Baez said on Wednesday his client should not be blamed for Grace's explosion.

"We have a court system set up for this," he said. "I sincerely believe when we have finally spoken everyone, and I mean everyone, will sit back and see my client had nothing to do with Grace's explosion."

This is the second high-profile case involving a popular TV host in recent weeks. Fox News anchor John Stossel has not been seen since June 17 after totally loosing his shit on air following a segment on organic vegetables.

Alabama Governor Signs Tough Illegal Immigration Law.

2011-06-09T12:28:00.005-05:00

Alabama Gov. Robert Bentley on Thursday signed a tough new illegal immigration law that makes it a crime to knowingly give a ride to illegal immigrants and requires schools to determine a student's immigration status.

Bentley said the new law is the nation's toughest on illegal immigration and was created to purge the state illegal immigrants.

But I disagree and feel this law is completely unnecessary. No laws are needed to drive illegal immigrants out of Alabama because no one in their right mind wants to be in Alabama to begin with.

As anyone who's ever passed through Alabama knows, it is a worthless cesspool of maggot-infested towns and villages filled with half-human, half-goat mole-people who lack even the most basic grasp of language, culture or simple hygiene.

Gov. Bentley doesn't need tough laws to make illegal immigrants want to leave Alabama. The state does a good job of that already. No immigrant, legal or illegal, wants anything to do with Alabama. The only thing they want to do when arriving is leave. Or shoot themselves.

It is quite simply hell on earth.

The new law presumes illegal immigrants want to be in Alabama and want to send their children to Alabama "schools" and want to hitch rides with Alabama's gnarly-fingered, abscess-covered residents. This is all completely untrue. No one wants to be in Alabama.

The real question here is what can we as Americans do to keep Alabamans from leaving their home state?

For too long, our federal government has stood by while Alabamans roam freely throughout our nation, taking our jobs, our wives and spreading disease. For chrissakes, Bo Bice is from Alabama.

Is this what our country has come to?

Tips For Teaching a Child to Ride a Bike.

2011-05-24T14:45:00.001-05:00

If you've ever taught a child to ride a bike, you know it can be a difficult but rewarding experience. But what are some of the best ways to get kids from training wheels to two-wheels? Here's a look at some sure-fire ways to get your child biking in no time:

Encourage your child: No child wants training wheels forever - that's why it's important to remind them all they need is practice and patience. Let them know they're getting there and once they get the hang of it, reward them with something special. This is a milestone they'll never forget!
Equip your child with the property safety gear: Buy a helmet and knee pads and help your child put them on. Kids will learn faster and be more enthusiastic to ride if they feel safe and a good helmet can protect them from serious injuries.
Extract a pint of your child's blood and keep it on hand: Learning to ride a bike can be difficult and physically demanding. At some point your child may even want to quit. That's why it's important to keep a pint of his blood handy so you can quickly, easily and safely give him a blood transfusion to boost his red blood cells and give him the extra energy he needs to ride like a pro.
Ask your child if she is comfortable and feeling safe: Reassure her she is doing well. Tell her she's almost got it and she'll be on her own soon.
Make sure your child is physically capable before you start: Not all children can learn to ride a bike at the same time. Make sure your child is ready before you start; administer small doses of EPO to your child a few days before he begins learning to ride a bike. The glycoprotein hormone typically takes a couple days to circulate through the blood stream but its effects can last for several weeks. Do not discuss the dosage or process with your child in the event he is subpoenaed by classmates, other parents or school administrators.

Congratulations!

2011-05-23T09:00:00.001-05:00

Grant Miller Media would like to congratulate that one governor for announcing this weekend that he's going to do that thing.

Congratulations!

Am I Right Folks???

2011-05-20T12:00:00.001-05:00

Oh brother. Have you heard about these morans saying the end of the world is tomorrow? They been saying that kinda stuff for years and ain't nothing ever happened.

You know how I'll know it's the end of the world? When the Cubs when the World Series - that'll be the end of the world. I mean, seriously.

Am I right folks???

But hey - the end of the world won't be that bad - at least I won't have to eat my old lady's beef casserole anymore!!! One bite outta that and you'll be begging for the plague!!!

But seriously folks - what's with that Twitter? Twitter? I don't even know her!!!! Now is it Twitter? Twatter? What ever it is, it's get me twitted off!!!

That Charlie Sheen is on there all the time nowadays. Twitting this and Twatting that. What the Hell, Chuck - we liked ya more on your show - "Two and a Half Twits!!!!"

But boy, what a life that Charlie Sheen's got - drugs, broads, tiger blood. Sounds like me on the weekends!!!

Didja hear about these relaxation brownies they got in Massachusets? They're trying to have these brownies banned because some kids ate them and had to go to the hospital.

I don't know who the geniuses are here, but those kids didn't need to go to the hospital and I know this from personal experience. What they needed were some Zeppelin albums and a couple of bean burritos!!!! That'll cure of what ails 'em!!!!

You know maybe if my old lady, Alice, would make some of those brownies I could actually stomach her cooking. But as it is - that's a big, fat N.O. And I mean big and fat if you hear me loud and clear!!!!

Can you believe these college students in Germany??? A third of them consider sex work...And the other two thirds wish they could consider sex work!!!

But really, can you call sex work, work??? It's definitely not work for me - if you know what I mean!!!! How about this - I'll consider going to college when sex becomes work - that'll be the day!!!

Jeez Louise!!!

Stash Bednarik is an associate editor and Pulitzer Prize winning columnist at Grant Miller Media. He is a lifelong nudist and resident of Whiting, Indiana. His column, "Am I Right, Folks???"appears on Fridays.

Al Qaeda Reportedly Picks Interim Leader.

2011-05-18T09:00:00.000-05:00

Egyptian militant Saif al-Adel was appointed interim leader of Al Qaeda it was reported Tuesday. It's believed al-Adel will hold the position until Ayman al-Zawahri is officially appointed to the leadership role once held by Osama Bin Laden.

Here are some perks al-Adel can expect with his promotion:

One-time 15 percent pay raise and future annual raises between 4 and 10 percent.
Full use of the Al Qaeda company sedan.
Increased medical coverage and a lower deductible for al-Adel and his family.
Corner office with private bathroom.
A specially-fitted, ergonomic office chair.
Full-time office assistant.
Reimbursed cell phone bills.
A parking spot near the office door.
Three weeks vacation, five sick days and two floating personal days in addition to holidays off.
Use of Al Qaeda's credit card for business lunches.
Can work from home every other Friday.
New business cards and stationary.
Dallas Cowboys season tickets and use of Al Qaeda's luxury suite.
Premium enrollment at any Bally Total Fitness.
Priority Club membership at Holiday Inn Express locations worldwide.

Grant Miller Media Will Follow Developments in Jordan Very Closely.

2011-05-12T09:23:00.000-05:00

As anyone who knows me will tell you, I'm student of Middle East history, culture and politics. My leisure time often is spent reading obscure texts on that region's rich and vibrant history and I'm known to speak at length on the philosophies of the Middle East's greatest thinkers.

That's why I've followed recent uprisings throughout the region very closely. I've studied how protests in one nation have sprung up almost overnight elsewhere - with millions clamoring for democracy and equality.

But the country I've followed most closely is Jordan. The kingdom has seen waves of protests as its economy flounders and food costs escalate. But most importantly, I've followed how this turmoil affects Jordan's Royal Family, particularly Queen Rania.

After conducting extensive research online, I'm happy to report that Queen Rania is fine

Some will question if Jordan's Royal Family is truly addressing the myriad of problems facing the kingdom. I don't know, but I am certain Queen Rania cannot and should not be blamed.

Perhaps she could do more. A valid argument can be made that Queen Rania should make more public appearances, particularly in places where she can be photographed. Perhaps she could visit the United States. I'm pretty sure Florida has a large Jordanian population, so maybe she should visit. And leave her husband or whatever in Jordan to maintain order. As someone very learned in Middle Eastern politics, it is my firm opinion that she should totally do that.

I will continue to follow the situation in Jordan closely, particularly how it relates to Queen Rania. That is my promise to readers.

With Bin Laden Gone, Who Will Lead Al Qaeda?

2011-05-11T16:20:00.000-05:00

The death of Osama Bin Laden does not mean the end of Al Qaeda - the group reportedly is reviewing potential successors to Bin Laden's leadership. The possibilities include many of the world's most dangerous terrorists.

Here's a look at possible candidates to lead Al Qaeda:

Ayman al-Zawahiri

Anwar al-Awlaki

llyas Kashmiri

Lars Ulrich

Abu Yahya al-Libi

Saif al-Adel

Obama Will Not Allow Bin Laden's Corpse to Be Poked With a Stick.

2011-05-06T10:00:00.002-05:00

WASHINGTON - President Barack Obama said he will not allow members of Congress, world leaders, curious bystanders and skeptics to poke Osama bin Laden's corpse with a stick after concluding such actions could incite violence against Americans.

The president's judgement came after a brief but intense debate in his war council about the pros and cons of allowing people to poke bin Laden's corpse with a stick. Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton and Defense Secretary Robert Gates warned allowing the morbidly curious to poke bin Laden's bloodied corpse with a stick would pose a national security risk. But Central Intelligence Agency director Leon Panetta said he believed everyone would eventually have a chance to poke the Al Qaeda leader's lifeless body with a stick.

White House Spokesman Jay Carney said the president expressed doubts early on about allowing citizens to poke bin Laden's corpse with a stick but consulted his senior advisers. All of them, Carney said, voiced concerns about the risks. Based on its monitoring of worldwide reaction to the announcement of bin Laden's death, Carney said the administration concluded most people viewed the reports of his death as credible and allowing everyone to poke the corpse with a stick would do little to sway those who believe it is a hoax.

Obama was direct in an interview with the CBS News program 60 Minutes, to be broadcast Sunday, according to a transcript released by the network.

"If we were to allow anyone with even the slightest interest to poke his corpse with a stick, it would only incite additional violence. It would be used as a propaganda tool. That's not who we are. You know, we don't let just anyone poke at his body for fun or curiosity," Obama said.

There were divided opinions on Capitol Hill about whether to allow people to poke bin Laden'sbody with a stick.

Some lawmakers said the United States needs to prove without a doubt that bin Laden is dead and advised letting people poke his corpse with a stick is the most efficient way to do that.

Others acknowledged they are curious and hope to poke bin Laden's corpse with a stick or at least play with his eyelids, but said letting anyone do so could generate blowback against U.S. troops.

"The whole purpose of sending our troops into the compound, rather than an aerial bombardment, was to obtain bin Laden's body so that we could poke it with a stick and determine whether he is dead," said Sen. Lindsey Graham, R-S.C. "The best way to protect and defend our interests overseas is to prove bin Laden is dead and the best way to do that is by poking his body with a stick."

Grant Miller Media Exclusive: Pictures Inside the Bin Laden Compound.

2011-05-04T09:15:00.006-05:00

Grant Miller Media has obtained highly classified pictures from U.S. Navy Seals taken from Sunday's raid on Osama Bin Laden's Pakistani compound. These pictures provide an intimate look inside the lifestyle of the world's most evil terrorist:

It's believed Bin Laden obtained this collection on a jihadist Web site.

These are among the most delicate items seized at the compound.

It's believed Bin Laden sought to obtain more plates like these.

Al Qaeda operatives spent years collecting these items.

Bin Laden evidently used this DVD to inspire hatred toward America.

Although disorganized, this materiel appears intact and operational.

CIA experts believe al Qaeda was close to completing this collection.

Obituary: Osama Bin Laden.

2011-05-02T12:15:00.001-05:00

Osama "Stretch" Bin Laden, 54, a long time Kabul resident, passed away on May, 2, 2011 at his home in Abbottabad. He was born March 10, 1957 in Riyadh the son of the late Ronald Bin Laden and Marie (nee Bailey) Bin Laden.

Mr. Bin Laden was the former general manager at the Kabul Albertsons and before that worked for 11 years at the GM Goodwrench in Badakshan. Mr. Bin Laden earned the nickname "Stretch" in the early 1970s while attending West Kabul Community High School. Prior to his graduation in 1975, Mr. Bin Laden lead the Fightin' Markhor Goats to a regional basketball title and made the dean's list every year.

Mr. Bin Laden was a member of the Abbottabad Rotary, a former member of the Kabul Shriners and a former president of the Badakshan Heights Business Park Association. He was known to mentor new employees and always organized the office NCAA pool. On weekends, Mr. Bin Laden enjoyed playing bass and singing harmony with his classic rock cover band, Osama Bin Laden and Young.

Friends described Mr. Bin Laden as a lifelong Dallas Cowboys fan, an avid reader and someone who could always be counted on to kill infidels.

In addition to his parents, Mr. Bin Laden is preceded in death by a brother Tim Bin Laden. He is survived by his wife of 24 years Elizabeth M. "Betty" (nee Reynolds) Bin Laden and his children, Nathaniel "Nate" Bin Laden, Noah Bin Laden and Nicholas "Nick" Bin Laden and his grandchildren, Dakota, Peter, Emily and Shannon.

What the Federal Shutdown Could Mean for Different Agencies.

2011-04-08T10:45:00.003-05:00

With a government shutdown looming, here's a look at how different federal agencies might be affected:

The Judicial Branch:

Activist judges will not be able to pursue their Socialist agenda.
Most convicted felons will run free.
Federal cases requiring urgent review will be decided by online polls.

The Department of Agriculture:

The systematic fattening of America will cease during the shutdown.
All tractor pulls, rodeos and hoedowns will be regulated by state and local officials.
4-H clubs will not meet.

The Department of Defense:

A boot in your ass will come courtesy of Toby Keith personally, not the Red White and Blue.
War re-enactors will appear even creepier during the shutdown.
(Redacted) (redacted) will (redacted) (redacted) to (redacted) (redacted) and the Kremlin (redacted) (redacted) Superman (redacted) (redacted).

The Department of Education:

Federally funded public school indoctrination programs for Communism, Fascism and Sodomy will close.
School lunches will consist of candy and cigarettes.
Bullies will rule the playgrounds.

The Department of Health and Human Services:

The shutdown will allow veterinarians, tattoo artists and television actors who portray doctors to administer medicine and perform surgery.
Viewing the heartwarming Robin Williams comedy "Patch Adams" will be the prescribed treatment for hospital patients.
Free pills.

The Department of the Interior:

Buffaloes will be unleashed on an unassuming public.
With national parks closed serial killers will be forced to dump bodies in private parks.
Federal agents will have to pay a deposit to get Old Faithful turned back on.

The CIA:

Street drugs supplied by the CIA will be hard to find during the shutdown.
CIA operatives will stop all mind surveillance of all Americans.
The highly classified Operation Yellow Tail will not not exist.

The Bureau of Alcohol and Tobacco:

Babies will be allowed to smoke.
Beer produced during the shutdown may not be fully krausened and may only be partially krausened.
Nothing can stop the smooth, rich taste of Camel Lights.

The Post Office:

Due to budget constraints, postmen will now only ring once.
Not even a government shutdown can stop junk mail - am I right folks???
Unpaid postal employees are guaranteed to be even more surly - am I right folks???

NPR and PBS:

PBS will pre-empt regular broadcasting for a continuous, 24-7 pledge drive marathon.
"Seasame Street" will be brought to you by the letters "I" "O" and "U."
"Wait...Wait...Don't Tell Me" will be retitled "Wait...Wait...Until the Federal Shutdown is Over."

The National Endowment for the Arts:

Federal funding for obscene, homoerotic arts will be on the down low if you know what I mean.
Artists will be forced to sell their works at local Holiday Inns at starving artists prices.
Beauty will be in the eye of the lien holder.

Shadow Governments:

Will not be able to fully manipulate gold markets.
The Federal Reserve will stop giving our money to international bankers and money lenders.
The federal shutdown plays right into the Bilderberg Group's ultimate plan for the fate of the world.

My NEW HOUSE!

2011-04-07T12:15:00.001-05:00

We moved into a new house last weekend and are finally getting settled in. We had been renting a crummy, little condo since we first moved to Tampa last summer. But this new house gives us a lot more space at a decent cost.

But enough of my yammering - here are the pictures:

This is a shot of our neighborhood - it has a real Florida vibe to it.

Some neighbors came by to welcome us to the neighborhood.

Home sweet home!!! It needs some work, but I love it!

Here's a picture of me doing heavy lifting on moving day.

Here's a picture of our kitchen.

Here's a shot of the master bedroom.

Here's a shot of the living room.

There's a two car garage, too!

Practical Haikus.

2011-04-05T09:30:00.000-05:00

Tips for Enjoying an Art Museum.

By Grant Miller, Poet

I've been to a lot.

Bored? Look for paintings with dogs.

Always works for me.

How to Save Money on Auto Insurance.

By Grant Miller, Poet.

You should steal a car.

Like a kick ass Camaro.

No one can stop you.

How to Avoid Submitting Suspicious Expense Reports.

By Grant Miller, Poet.

Get a job at the

Race track. All problems solved.

You are The Gambler.

How to Be Amazing and Fit after 50.

By Grant Miller, Poet.

How 'bout that Cybil

Shepherd? My my. Uh huh. Yeah.

Know what I'm sayin'?

Pics of My Junk.

2011-03-16T11:15:00.000-05:00

This might sound like an odd hobby, but I love taking pictures of my junk. Every chance I get, I find a private place where I can go and snap a couple shots of my junk. Even if I'm at work, I'll just quietly place my cell phone under my desk and snap a quick picture of my junk.

Sometimes I post these pictures online or give them to total strangers in the many chat rooms I frequent. One time I went to a chat room and said "Anybody want pictures of junk?" You'd never imagine the response I got!

Other times I'll just show the pictures to my wife, but she's always disgusted at the sight of my junk.

I'm sure I'm not the first guy to take pictures of his junk. Whoever invented the camera probably did it just to snap a few pictures of his junk. You know how guys are, they're always showing off their junk.

Growing up, my uncle always tried taking pictures of my junk. After awhile, I felt pretty comfortable with him looking at my junk. But things got weird when he touched my junk.

My junk has really grown recently - see, I'm renting an office in downtown Tampa, but it's also doubling as a storage locker until we move into our new house next month. So you can't crawl under my desk without bumping into my junk. But our new house will be great - it has a giant deck. I'll post some deck pics after we move in.

But you don't want to hear my life story. You just want to see my junk. Enjoy:

Here's my junk on my desk.

Here's my junk under my desk.

Another shot of my junk.

I can't wait to move so I can finally let my junk breathe.

Grant Miller Media Presents: The Unelectables.

2011-03-09T12:15:00.002-06:00

James "Jimmy" McMillan, Republican from New York.

Running for: President of the United States.

Political experience: None. McMillan unsuccessfully campaigned for governor of New York in 1994, 2006 and 2010, lost New York City mayoral bids in 1993, 2005 and 2009 and was removed from the ballot in the 2000 U.S. Senate election in New York. Although McMillan has lost every political race he's entered, in 2010 he was appointed mayor of Hyundai City in Burlington, N.J.

Platform: McMillan flatly believes rent is too damn high. McMillan supports immediate spending cuts on rent, arguing that rent is simply too damn high. On his Website, McMillan notes that "99.9 percent of our children are living under poverty" because the rent is too damn high. If elected, McMillan plans to balance the budget, mostly by lowering rental costs which, as he explains, are "too damn high." McMillan also promises to change how Washington D.C. works by changing how it pays rent, which he believes is too damn high. On foreign affairs, McMillan believes rent is too damn high. On abortion rights, McMillan has stated rent is too damn high. On gun control, McMillan supports rent is too damn high. On healthcare reform, McMillan has come out strongly for rent is too damn high. China? Rent is too damn high. Afghanistan? Rent is too damn high. Iraq: Rent is too damn high. Okay - so you get the picture. McMillan is a one issue candidate and that issue is the RENT IS TOO DAMN HIGH.

Center of the Universe: McMillan is single and has two adult children. He founded The Rent Is Too Damn High party in 2005.

Big Cool Friends: McMillan appeared in a mock debate beside Cris Collinsworth and Phil Simms on Showtime's "Inside the NFL." In the debate, McMillan frequently noted rent is too damn high. He was portrayed by Kenan Thompson in a 2010 skit on "Saturday Night Live."

Little Buddies: In November 2010, McMillan released an album on iTunes titled - you guessed it - "The Rent is Too Damn High (Volume 1)." It features hits like "R.E.N.T.," "When You Can't Pay Your Rent," "Landlord Listen Up," and "Rent Party Christmas." But the most downloaded track is "Come 2 the Floor."

Evidence of Possibly Contradictory Behavior: McMillan pays no rent. In a 2010 New York Times article, McMillan said he maintains his Flatbush apartment building in exchange for free rent from the landlord. In the 2006 New York gubernatorial election, McMillan's name appeared twice - once as a Democrat and once under the Rent Is Too Damn High party. McMillan's Democratic running mate, Randy Credico, later called him "jack off" and a "sorry ass" for abandoning the campaign. McMillan announced last month he will run as a Republican in 2012 despite years as a Democratic supporter and said he switched parties to avoid campaigning against President Obama.

He's not all bad: McMillan is a Vietnam veteran with three bronze stars. In a 2010 court case, McMillian succeeded in keeping the word "Damn" on the ballot after it was removed by the New York Board of Elections. After returning home from Vietnam, McMillan briefly worked as an R&B singer for Brunswick Records.

Odds of winning: THE RENT IS TOO DAMN HIGH!

Meaningless Encounters I've Had With Legends of Baseball and Their Celebrity Girlfriends, Vol. I

2011-03-08T12:15:00.004-06:00

Legend of Baseball:

Alex Rodriguez

Legend of Baseball's Celebrity Girlfriend:

Cameron Diaz

Date:

March 4, 2011

Location:

Tampa, Florida

The Inside Scoop: I went to the Publix (which I still call the Jewels) with my daughter and her friend early Friday evening. While there, we bumped into a neighbor, a woman who lives in the same condo building a few floors above us. "Did you hear about our new neighbors," she asked. I leaned in, expecting some juicy gossip about someone in our building violating association bylaws or playing music too loudly or something equally mundane. "No, what happened," I responded. "Well, you didn't hear this from me, but ARod and Cameron Diaz are living in our building through spring training." I tried to play it cool. "Really? I'll have to keep an eye out. Maybe send my daughter to their condo to sell Girl Scout cookies." My neighbor, who hails from New York City and alleges to have seen everyone who was ever important, admitted she was a little star struck when she first saw our celebrity neighbors. My neighbor's story was confirmed a few hours later when I saw the couple walking to their car (a black, late model Porshe convertible).

As you may know, I've had many run-ins with Legends of Baseball and Hollywood Celebrities. But this situation and its potential impact on my living situation poses a problem I never truly imagined.

Krista and I have been married 12 years. Somewhere along the line we both developed a List. This is not uncommon - many couples who've been together for years have developed similar Lists.

For those unfamiliar with the term, a List is a handful of celebrities, titans of industry, rock stars or athletes that you are allowed to leave your spouse for with no questions asked. Your spouse must be aware of the List and its members and vice versa. You can't get upset if your spouse leaves you for someone on the List - you were warned and agreed to it.

Membership on any List may change, but the idea always is the same - if they're on the List you can have at it.

My problem is Cameron Diaz has always been on my List.

Her, Charlize Theron and Scarlett Johansson are the most senior members on my List. Others have made brief appearances, but those three are the most permanent. If my List was the U.N. Security Council, those three would be the United States, the United Kingdom and France. They're there for good and have veto power.

My wife's List, like the fairer persuasion in general, is far more discreet and well-reasoned: Warren Buffett, George Clooney, Adrien Brody and Owen Wilson. Krista denies the existence of her List, much the same way Israel denies it has nuclear weapons.

When discussing my List with Krista, I always counter it with "If I really wanted Cameron Diaz, or Charlize Theron or Scarlett Johansson I would go out and get them and they would be mine. But I've chosen you, dear Krista." She knows this is bull, but I think it's a pretty good argument to get me out of a prickly situation.

But now that Cameron Diaz and I are neighbors, what am I to do? Who am I to stop her pursuing me? Technically, because she is on the List and retains veto power, I don't think I can.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Practical Haikus

2011-02-22T10:45:00.000-06:00

How to Use Social Media to Spur Political Change.

By Grant Miller, Poet.

Don't get excited.

People used to use Friendster.

Now look at it, dude.

How to Make a Tie-Dyed Cake for Your Child's Party.

By Grant Miller, Poet.

Jesus Christ, can't you

Just make a normal cake once?

Nobody likes Phish.

How to Calculate How Much Money You Need to Retire.

By Grant Miller, Poet.

It depends on the

price of Depends when you're old.

That was a cheap joke.

Tips For Selecting a Great PowerPoint Background.

By Grant Miller, Poet.

Use something cool that

Will hold their attention, dude.

Tigers are awesome.

Grant Miller Media's Endorsement for Mayor of Tampa.

2011-02-21T09:15:00.001-06:00

This week - we think - Tampa voters will choose the next mayor from a field of five (or six or seven) candidates.

We don't really know any of the candidates but can vaguely recognize some of their names. All may possess the experience, intelligence and poise required for the job, but we have absolutely no idea - we have not attended a single mayoral debate or even seen the candidates interviewed on local news.

We don't know their positions on the main issues facing Tampa, but can safely assume we agree on some of their ideas but disagree on others. There is little doubt these leaders know more about the problems facing Tampa than we do.

So voters might have a difficult task choosing a new mayor to replace the existing mayor who we are also woefully ignorant of. If pressed, it's likely we could not accurately spell the existing mayor's name and more importantly, we have no idea why she is leaving office. We do, however, know the current mayor is female. It should be noted we have no idea what she looks like.

Here is a run down of the candidates we are vaguely aware of:

The Candidate With The Black And Green Signs: This candidate probably has held several important titles within the city in recent years, but his or her signs are not as prominent as others so he or she probably will not win. We do not support losing candidates.

The Candidate With Yellow And Black Signs: This candidate has a very long last name which does not bode well for his or her chances. We believe this candidate also may have a long and distinguished career in local politics. Although it's possible this candidate is running as an outsider - it's simply too early to tell.

The Candidate We Didn't Even Know Is On The Ballot Because We Haven't Seen Any Of His Or Her Signs: Unfortunately, Grant Miller Media does not know enough about this candidate to even make a half-hearted stab at what they're all about.

The Greco Dude: We do not know much about The Greco Dude - except his name is easy to spell and his picture is everywhere or something. Also, his campaign signs are weird and oddly memorable. We applaud The Greco Dude's use of weird and oddly memorable campaign signs and wish him the best of luck or whatever.

But we believe the time is right for one of these candidates or maybe that Other Candidate With The Long Name And The Green And White Signs - not to be confused with The Candidate with the Yellow and Black Signs.

Certainly, one of these candidates (and possibly others we've forgotten) offers a bold strategy to revolutionize city government and revive the economy. If so, that is the candidate we support.

We are confident that one of these candidates, with their political experience (or lack thereof), will become the next mayor. This candidate may be a long-shot or perhaps the odds on favorite - but Grant Miller Media supports this candidate to win.

Unfortunately, race is still an issue in this country. But let it be known, race was not a factor in Grant Miller Media's endorsement because Grant Miller Media does not know the race of any of the candidates because Grant Miller Media has not followed the campaign closely. Although, it should be noted the Greco Dude is white - Grant Miller Media knows this because The Greco Dude has his picture on the campaign signs.

The candidate we have endorsed probably played a pivotal role in some kind of city, county, state or federal outlay that has greatly benefited Tampa. This would seem to make sense, as people who do not play pivotal roles in those types of things do not run for mayor.

But it's also entirely possible the candidate we've endorsed comes from the private sector and helped turn around a major local industry from certain bankruptcy saving thousands of jobs and funded his or her campaign from deep family pockets.

Or perhaps the candidate we've endorsed is some kind of anti-tax (or pro-tax) zealot riding a wave of some kind of national anger (or joy). We do not know this because we do not know who the candidates are.

In the race for mayor of Tampa, Grant Miller Media strongly endorses whomever.

Bumper Stickers You Never See.

2011-02-08T11:45:00.000-06:00

Meaningless Encounters I've Had With Legends of Baseball.

2011-01-28T09:45:00.000-06:00

Legend of Baseball

Gary Sheffield

Date:

Most recently, this morning.

Location:

Tampa, Florida

The Inside Scoop: I joined a nearby health club a couple months ago. It's pretty nice - only a block away and it's got basketball, tennis, plenty of treadmills, a steam room, sauna whatever. I go maybe two or three times during the week and once on the weekends. Always in the morning, like first thing. And every time, this same guy always is working out. When I first saw him, I was like - he looks familiar. But I couldn't place him. He's built, but kind of short. Maybe even shorter than me. After staring at his face, I realized he looked kind of like baseball legend Gary Sheffield. So he's there every time and eventually I stopped staring because I figured that'd be weird. But then today we were alternating between machines and I looked at him and I thought, "Damn - he looks exactly like Gary Sheffield. But he's way too short. Sheff is like 6'5 or something I think." Curiosity got the best of me - so I Googled "Gary Sheffield" after my workout. Turns out he's listed at 5 feet 11 inches (which is a total stretch - he's maybe as tall as me and I'm not 5'11. Kind of like how Allen Iverson was listed at 6 feet 1 inch even though everyone knew he was 5 feet 9 inches.) So not only is Gary Sheffield shorter than I thought but evidently he lives two blocks from me in the exact same neighborhood as me (his house shows up on Google!). But the deal is he lives in the nicer, gated part of the neighborhood and I live where all the hired help stays.

Meaningless Encounters I've Had with Legends of Baseball.

2011-01-27T12:15:00.000-06:00

Legend of Baseball
David Price
Date:
Jan. 20, 2011
Location:
Tampa, FL
The Inside Scoop: Our daughters went with their drama class to view a theatrical production of "Beauty and the Beast" last week, so my wife and I had an unexpected night alone. She asked if we had any wine and I was all like "No, sorry. We're out." And then she got all in my grill and goes "Wanna go get some?" And so I'm all like, "Okay." She was finishing some work so I walked to the little convenience mart around the corner from our condo. I walked in and the place is empty except for the dude that works the counter, some tall dude with funky jeans and me. I browsed the wine section - they don't have much of a selection because it's a convenience mart. But I picked up a bottle of red something or other and got in line behind the dude with the funky jeans. The reason why I noted his jeans is because he was like real tall. Like his butt came up to my eye level, so it was almost impossible to not notice his funky jeans. He was talking to the dude behind the counter about baseball or something. Finally - finally - the tall dude took his bag and left. The dude behind the counter pointed and said "How about that. Did you see that?" And I was like, "What?" "Did you see who that was?" "No. Wait, is he like on the Rays or something," I asked. And the dude behind the counter said "Yeah, that was David Price, he lives around the corner from here. So do a few of the other Rays." So that like blew me away, to be that close to a baseball legend and his funky jeans. Once I got out of the store, I Wikied "David Price" because I honestly had no idea who he was. I guess he's a pitcher or something. Technically, he's not a baseball legend. But he is my neighbor and that's what really counts in life.

Lawmakers Cross Aisles, Sit Together for State of the Union.

2011-01-26T08:30:00.001-06:00

Lawmakers from both sides of the political divide sat together during President Obama's State of the Union address on Tuesday. Typically, Republicans and Democrats sit separately, but lawmakers hoped the mixed seating arrangement would show greater civility and cooperation between the parties.

Here are some photos obtained by Grant Miller Media as lawmakers listened to Tuesday's address:

Do Films like "Black Swan" Glorify Unhealthy Body Images for Girls?

2011-01-25T11:30:00.006-06:00

Health experts have long complained Hollywood goes too far promoting unhealthy body images for teens and young adults. The complaint is simple: Teens idolize a celebrity, admire his or her body and then try to emulate what they see.

Despite these warnings, Hollywood's mill of negative body images never stops. The latest culprit is the Academy Award-nominated film, "Black Swan."

The movie, starring Natalie Portman, follows the lives of two highly-competitive dancers at a New York City ballet company and is packed with thin ballerinas prancing across the screen.

The body images in "Black Swan" are not only unhealthy, they are entirely unrealistic. No healthy woman should grow wings. Ever. It's completely unrealistic to expect that.

But movies like "Black Swan" make young women believe they need to grow wings if they want to look good for society.

How many adolescent women will see this movie and try growing wings, too? Is this the message we want sent to young girls, that to look good you have to be thin and grow wings? I hope not. How many young women will eat a diet of eggs and poultry with the unrealistic goal of sprouting wings?

Sure, some women are naturally winged and that's just their body type. But the vast majority of women do not have wings and we should not encourage them to grow wings just because it's fashionable.

Look at women like Beyoncé, Tyra Banks or Scarlett Johannson. No one has ever called them unattractive just because they don't have wings. When will Hollywood learn that non-winged is beautiful, too?

Clooney Has Malaria.

2011-01-21T09:30:00.001-06:00

Handsome actor George Clooney contracted malaria while visiting Sudan earlier this month. The disease. Malaria is common in tropical and subtropical regions and kills an estimated one and three million annually.

Here are symptoms Clooney is believed to have suffered prior to treatment:

Devastating handsomeness.
Extreme dashingness.
Bouts of dreaminess.
Confidence without arrogance.
Perfect cheekbones.
The deepest, darkest eyes God has ever given a man.
Mild facial stubble that seems totally unaffected.
A warm, masculine voice that cured all who heard it.
An easy-going demeanor that simultaneously appeared laid-back and smart.

Complete Text of President Kennedy's Inaugural Address.

2011-01-20T15:00:00.000-06:00

President Kennedy gave his historic inaugural address 50 years ago today. Considered one of the greatest presidential speeches of the 20th Century, Kennedy's address set the standard for every administration since.

To commemorate this historic event, Grant Miller Media presents the full text of President's Kennedy's speech:

"My fellow Americans,

"Blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah. Words words words. Blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah

(APPLAUSE)

"Blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah? Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah: blah blah blah blah.

"Words. More words.

"Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah!

(APPLAUSE)

"Blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah? Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, Blah blah blah blah.

Blah blah blah blah? Blah blah blah blah? Blah blah blah blah? Blah blah blah blah!

(APPLAUSE)

Blah blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

(President Kennedy then said some more stuff.)

(APPLAUSE)

"Ask not what your country can do for you - ask what you can do for your country!"

(APPLAUSE)

New Study Says Most Students Waste First Two Years in College.

2011-01-19T09:45:00.001-06:00

A new survey indicates college students spend more time socializing during their first two years than studying. The survey, conducted by the authors of "Academically Adrift," tracked 3,000 students at 29 universities and showed few developed "broad-based skills and knowledge" during their freshman and sophomore years.

Instead of learning, most college students spend those early years socializing, sleeping and only occasionally hitting the books.

Okay - so here's the deal college students - You're wasting two critical years that you will never get back. Your parents didn't send you to school so you could simply throw away two years socializing.

There simply is no excuse - your days of partying, keggers and promiscuity should not - must not - end in your sophomore year. Keep it going into your junior, senior and fifth or sixth-year senior years.

Of course, you could waste it tragically reading "Silas Marner" only to write a pathetic 20-page essay that no graduate assistant will ever read. That is your prerogative.

But that's not what college is about.

College is about watching bad cover bands at dive college bars, it's about streaking across the quad during finals week, it's about the smell of bong water, pet ferrets and interesting choices in facial hair. Most importantly, college is about hacky sack.

Are you willing to sacrifice two good years - some of the best years you will ever live - just so you can listen more attentively to some middle-aged know-it-all in tweed drone on and on about early English literature?

If you've learned anything, you should know reading "Beowulf" is an incredible waste of time.

Meaningless Encounters I've Had With Legends of Baseball.

2011-01-11T09:45:00.003-06:00

Legend of Baseball:

Derek Jeter

Date:

Jan. 3, 2011

Location:

Tampa, Florida

The Inside Scoop: My wife and I had a 9 a.m. meeting with a new accountant. Since we moved, we figured we'd hire an accountant for this year's taxes. Also, one of our 2011 resolutions is to have taxes done long before April 15. So we met with the accountant and he answered all of our questions - he seems really good. Afterwards, Krista asked if I wanted to go to the Starbucks on South Howard Street. I said "Okay." The Starbucks on South Howard is filled with more hipster cool guys than the one on Kennedy Boulevard. The one on Kennedy is filled with a few hipster cool guys, but there's also a lot of bums and hobos who use it for the bathroom. The Starbucks on Kennedy definitely has more street cred, but the one on South Howard is closer to our house and way safer. So we parked on the street out front and walked into the Starbucks. And you'll never believe who we saw - Krista's hair dresser!!!!! We chitchatted for a few minutes - I think her name is Pam or something. Then I asked Krista what she wanted - I didn't need coffee since I grabbed a full mug at the accountant's office. Krista wanted an Americano with room. I got in line while Krista continued to chitchat with her hair dresser who's name I believe is Pam. It also might be Victoria. I can't remember and if I asked Krista now, she'd think I was rude for not remembering. I know she's in band, like a ska band or something. She looks like a hair dresser that would be in a band. A ska band. So I'm in line and I saw this dude by the barista station waiting for his drink and for a second he looked like any other dude. But then I did a double take. "Oh my God. That's baseball legend Derek Jeter." Derek Jeter lives about five minutes from our condo, so it really shouldn't have come as a big surprise. I've driven by his house a few times - it's HUGE but it's still under construction. One thing I've noticed since coming to Tampa is people use their proximity to Jeter's house when giving directions. Like "I'll be there in two minutes, I'm over by Jeter's house" and stuff. My gut reaction when I see Jeter on the baseball field is to yell "you suck!" But when I saw him waiting by the barista station I was star struck. Plus, he's my neighbor now. So I motioned over to Krista "Hey - look who it is" I mouthed. She was equally star struck, plus she kind of has a crush on Jeter. Whatevs. So finally I make eye-contact with Jeter. Unlike baseball legend Bert Blyleven who held my gaze as much as I held his, Jeter immediately looked away. My gut wanted to give him the finger when he looked at me - he's Derek Jeter for chrissakes. But I lamely gave him a thumbs up. A couple seconds later he walked by with his drink. I mumbled something like "Nice job with the new contract." And he mumbled back, "Thanks." Afterward, I went up to my wife who was still talking with her hair dresser and I was like "Wow, that was so cool." And her hair dresser was all like "Who's Derek Jeter?"

Meaningless Encounters I've Had With Legends of Baseball.

2011-01-10T09:30:00.004-06:00

Legend of Baseball:

Bert Blyleven

Date:

Dec. 12, 2010

Location:

Tampa, Florida

The Inside Scoop: I took my kids to International Mall for some Christmas shopping. We parked by Nortstrom and went in. First my daughters were distracted by women's shoes, then they wanted to sample every perfume. After 20 minutes we left Nordstrom and ventured into the mall. First we stopped by the Sanrio store so my youngest daughter could buy a Hello Kitty iPod case. Then we decided to go to Claire's for earrings. The mall was crowded with holiday shoppers but as we walked I saw a tall, thin man about 50 feet away walking toward us. I immediately recognized him as baseball legend Bert Blyleven. I made eye contact and he noticed me staring. Ordinarily, I would have turned away but I was so certain he was baseball legend Bert Blyleven that I continued to hold his gaze. As he came closer we continued to stare at one another and it got a little uncomfortable and weird. As he walked past, I mouthed the words "Bert Blyleven." In that instant he knew I was the only person in the mall who recognized him. At Claire's, I Googled "Bert Blyleven" on my iPhone and found he has a winter home near Tampa. I texted my brother-in-law (the only other person I know who'd care) and told him the big news. He was mightily impressed. Three weeks later, Bert Blyleven was elected to the Hall of Fame and I believe our brief staring contest between the Sanrio store and Claire's had something to do with it.

Fact!

2011-01-08T11:30:00.000-06:00

Kraft Macaroni and Cheese is the cheesiest.

New Catchphrases for 2011.

2011-01-03T13:00:00.002-06:00

Goin' to Heaven in 2011.
Countin' on lucky number seven in 2011.
Playin' pool with a guy named Bevan in 2011.
Hey Bevan, watch where you stick that pool cue - you nearly hit my intestine in 2011.
Oh, and look here's Bevan's friend, Kevin, in 2011.
Maybe after we're done playin' pool my homies Kevin and Bevan will get our drink on with a Seven and Seven in 2011.
Oh look, here comes our mutual friend whom no one can remember the name of, The Tibetan in 2011.
Hi The Tibetan. Would you like some sweet lemon in your Seven and Seven in 2011?
Employin' the legal services of Levin, Levin and Levin in 2011.
Jammin' to the phat beats of Siouxsie and the Banshees original bassist Steven Severin in 2011.
Googlin' the career stats of retired Major Leaguer Phil Nevin in 2011.
Warmin' up my calves with some sweet leggin's in 2011s.
Listenin' to that sweet string section in 2011.
Don't be dissin' my reed section in 2011.
Playin' some mad crazy piano scores like my man André Previn in 2011.