Common Misquotations.

Misquote: "Winning isn't everything; It's the only thing," often attributed to Vince Lombardi.

The real quote: "Winning isn't everything; There's also hummus with Triscuits. Have you tried that? Delicious - just as good as winning, maybe even better."

Misquote: "Elementary, my dear Watson" attributed to fictional character Sherlock Holmes.

The real quote: "Elementary, my dear, dear, precious, fair-skinned, supple and tender Watson."

Misquote: "Religion is the opiate of the masses" attributed to Karl Marx.

The real quote: "Oxycotin is the opiate of the masses."

Misquote: "Friends, Romans, Countrymen lend me your ears" attributed to Mark Antony.

The real quote: "Friends, Romans, Countrymen lend me like $1,000. I got into some weird shit and Reno and now this guy wants my ass."

Misquote: "I'm not a crook" attributed to President Nixon.

The real quote: "I'm not a crook. I'm a racist and a homophobe and kinda paranoid, but not a crook!"

Misquote: "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar" attributed to Sigmund Freud.

The real quote: Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. But it's usually a penis you sick, perverted deviant. You're weird."

Misquote: "Let them eat cake" attributed to Marie Antoinette.

The real quote: "Don't let anyone have the last piece."

Misquote: "The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step" attributed to Confucius.

The real quote: "The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step...in bed."

Misquote: "I never yet met a man I didn't like" attributed to Will Rogers.

The real quote: "I never yet met a man I didn't like...if you get my drift wink wink."

Jobs at Grant Miller Media.

Grant Miller Media is looking for bright, motivated and energetic people to join its corporate headquarters in St. Charles, Illinois.

As a member of the Grant Miller Media corporate team, you'll play a valuable role in our ongoing success while gaining important experience in a fast-paced, challenging field. If you're passionate about your corporate career join us in making Grant Miller Media the Internet's Number One source for Grant Miller-related information.

The following positions are available as of July 15, 2009:

• Grave digger.
• Biohazard removal.
• Forced laborer.
• Indentured servant.
• Textile machinery operator.
• Coal miner.
• Print journalist.
• Carnival attendant.
• Poultry processing.
• Nuclear decontamination.
• Scientific guinea pig.
• Cat husbandry.
• Test subject.
• Human zoo exhibit.

Grant Miller Media has grown to become one of the nation's leading Grant Miller-related information sources with more than 4,600 offices worldwide. Our annual retail sales of $13 billion rank Grant Miller Media in the top 25 of all U.S. Grant Miller-related information sources. We've been in business for more than 80 years, have a legendary distribution network, a strong financial record and a history of success. Grant Miller Media is an equal opportunity employer supporting diversity in the workplace. Except Mongolians.

Hackers Attack Microsoft Office Users.

Cybercriminals attacked a flaw in Microsoft's Office software, putting users of the popular product at risk, a company spokesman said Tuesday. According to Microsoft, infected Office software will display the following symptoms:

• Running smoothly without reboot.
• Improved ease of use with simple, easy-to-follow prompts.
• Able to run multiple applications without freezing up.
• Logical button combinations.
• Work is regularly saved so users can operate the software worry-free.
• Does not cause computer to smoke or make weird noises.

Are You A Koala? Take The Grant Miller Media Quiz and Find Out!

Do you sometimes feel people treat you differently? Are you regularly excluded from social events? Are you looking to get ahead at work but wondering what it takes? Do you have a thick coat of fur? If so, take this Grant Miller Media quiz to determine whether you are a koala.

1. If you had plans with a friend and they cancelled what would you do?

a. Ask why.

b. Be sad because you were really looking forward to going out.

c. Call someone else.

d. Mark your territory with saliva and urine.

2. When you've had a long day, how do you relax?

a. Read a favorite book.

b. Round up some friends and go out.

c. Chill out at home with a movie.

d. Nap in a eucalyptus tree for 18 hours.

3. You're at a park and see a child fall and start crying. You:

a. Rush to see if she needs help.

b. Alert the child's parents.

c. Walk away and act like you didn't notice.

d. Use your deadly fangs and sharp claws to devour her.

4. You think a date went well if:

a. You talked about a lot of interesting things.

b. You laughed a lot.

c. You planned to meet again.

d. You displayed your bifurcated penis.

5. Which of these best describes your bedroom?

a. Coordinated and well-put-together.

b. Messy. Tons of posters, toys and food everywhere.

c. A bed. A dresser. Don't need much else.

d. A mature eucalyptus tree covered with your scent.

6. If you knew you would die tomorrow, how would you spend your last day?

a. Reading great literature or going to a museum.

b. Visiting family and friends.

c. Crying.

d. High on eucalyptus leaves.

7. You often dream you are:

a. Falling.

b. Searching for something or someone.

c. I don't know. I can never remember.

d. A koala.

8. The television show "Two and a Half Men" is:

a. Funny and good-natured.

b. Entertaining for the whole family.

c. Mildly amusing.

d. A tragic waste of the human spirit.

9. What's your best physical attribute?

a. My eyes.

b. My body - it's a temple!!

c. My mind - I'm very cerebral, baby!

d. My thick coat of fur that pads my body while sitting in trees.

10. Your parents are:

a. My best friends! I love you guys!

b. Tolerant of my decisions even if they disagree.

c. So embarrassing OMG!

d. Koalas

If you answered "D" to any of these questions you are a koala.

A Helpful Tip From Grant Miller Media.

People get really upset if they catch you using hand sanitizer for any other bodily appendage.

Have a Great Weekend!

• Since 2003, the number of underground tremors along a section of the San Andreas Fault has doubled. The same section produced a 7.8-magnitude earthquake in 1857, considered the last "big one" to hit the area. Scientists acknowledge they don't know what the rise in tremors signifies.
• Although there are no concrete numbers, experts estimate there are 300 active serial killers in the United States at any time.
• The "Big Freeze" - a term used by scientists to describe an ever expanding universe that ultimately drops in temperature - is the most commonly accepted theory on how the universe will end. Other theories include Heat Death (the universe contracts), the Big Rip (dark energy density increases, destroying all matter) and the Big Crunch (the Big Bang, but in reverse).
• In 1989, a 1,000-foot diameter asteroid missed the Earth by 400,000 miles. Had it flown by just six hours earlier, it would have struck the Earth causing an explosion the "equivalent of one Hiroshima-sized atomic bomb detonating every second for 50 days." Scientists estimate similar asteroids miss the Earth undetected every "two or three years."
• Last week, scientists discovered a new, medium-sized black hole. It is 500 times larger than the sun and has a gravitational pull so strong that nothing escapes it.
• Astronomers speculate Jupiter's gravitational pull will eventually pull Mercury out of its orbit and possibly hit Earth. If so, the explosion would be large enough to form another moon.
• About two million Americans are allergic to bee stings. In 2006, honey bees began disappearing throughout North America. Bees play a vital role in pollination. Their extinction could disrupt the food chain. A disruption in the food chain could lead to mass starvation and extinctions of other life forms including humans.
• In 1997, Russia informed the United Nations that 100 nuclear weapons were unaccounted for. In 2005, that number grew to 250.
• "Paris Hilton's My New BFF" began filming in Dubai last month.

U.S. Reporter Jailed in N.Korea Calls Sister.

An American journalist jailed since March in North Korea phoned her sister late last month, it was reported Thursday. Laura Ling, 32, and Euna Lee, 36, were charged with illegal entry into North Korea and with an unspecified "grave crime." Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and others have lobbied for their release.

Grant Miller Media obtained these phone transcripts between Ling and her sister, former "View" co-host Lisa Ling:

Laura Ling: "What'd you do with those heels that you tried on last time you came over?"

Lisa Ling: "What do you mean?"

Laura: "You know what I mean. Last time you were here you were all 'Oh my God I love these shoes' and you even tried them on. Now, I go to wear them and they're gone. Like they totally vanished."

Lisa: "What are you talking about, I didn't touch them."

Laura: "Oh, so I guess they just disappeared on their own?"

Lisa: "Are you calling me a thief?"

Laura: "Well, I don't know where else they'd be..."

Lisa: "Look, I didn't even touch your shoes. They're way too small..."

Laura: "Whatever, whatever, whatever...Look. Just give 'em back, stop all this BS and it's over. Okay. No questions asked."

Lisa: "I don't have your shoes, Laura. What is wrong with you?"

Laura: "Fine. Whatever. Just don't be surprised if that paper weight thing mom gave you is missing sometime."

Lisa: "Pfft. Whatevs."

Ca. Students Get X-Rated Version of Class DVD.

A California elementary teacher got into trouble last week for accidentally including a 6-second clip of her having sex on DVDs she gave to students.

The DVDs were intended as a year-end gift to students. It contained clips of classroom memories and school activities before abruptly cutting to teacher Crystal Defanti with her husband.

A spokesman for Elk Grove Unified School District apologized for the error and said the DVDs should be destroyed. It's unclear if the fifth grade Isabelle Jackson Elementary teacher will be reprimanded.

But this episode highlights a growing problem in American schools - teachers having sex.

When I was a school boy, nothing turned me off more than the thought of Mrs. Mather getting it from behind. Not that I routinely imagined her greying body in the throes of coital bliss, but it crossed my mind here and there.

Likewise, the very idea that Mrs. Kurth ever got naked - much less had sex - nearly made gag. To me, the pictures she kept on her desk of her kids were an eerie reminder that at some point someone had nailed her. A spine-chilling image to say the least.

But today, our teachers are having sex. And not the perfunctory, passionless sex that's taught in "What's Happening to My Body."

No. Modern teachers are having sex that is so naughty and perverse that they are recording it for future generations. It's like New Math but with sexier decimal points. Before you know it, teachers will be measuring body parts with the metric system and that's simply disgusting.

Teachers - like parents - should never have sex. Granted, I'm a parent and I know several teachers. But these facts do not change my views. Nothing is more repulsive than hearing my in-laws talk about their "golden years" and lounging around in a hammock together. They're grandparents for chrissakes.

The only time teachers - or parents - should ever have sex is in Van Halen videos or in "coming-of-age" movies set during the summer of 1942 on Nantucket.

Otherwise, keep it in your pants teachers.

Details Announced for Billy Mays Tribute.

Plans for a televised tribute for infomercial pitchman Billy Mays were released today. The concert performance will be held next week at the Los Angeles Staples Center and will be televised between 1 a.m. and 6 a.m. on most basic cable channels. Viewers will be encouraged to donate to Billy Mays' Memorial Fund by calling the number on their screen. Operators are standing by.

Performers scheduled to appear include:

• The ShamWow Guy.
• Mariette Hartley.
• Ron Popeil.
• Mr. Microphone.
• The Ginsu Knife chef.
• Guthy and Renker.
• Billy Blanks.
• The Victory Auto Wreckers dude.
• Miss Cleo.
• The Progressive Insurance babe.
• Mavis Beacon.
• Joe Isuzu.
• The reunited Cavity Creeps.
• An acoustic performance by the Free Credit Report band.
• The old guy from the Snuggie commercial.
• And a very special appearance by the Whassup? guys.